Moment of Truth

I weighed in with my TOPS group last night. I hadn't been on the "official" scale since November 15. I felt that I held things together quite well the first couple of weeks after the "15th" and this was during a traveling period, so I felt very successful. But then the holiday season was in full swing and once we had our big high school reunion committee Christmas bash at our house it was downhill from there. Too many goodies around the house, at work, in stores, at restaurants, etc. I knew what I was doing but I did it anyway with the pretense that I had time to lose a little before I got back to TOPS. I found out how important facing the scale on a regular basis can be. It was a 4 1/2# gain but I'm glad to have that behind me and back to walking the straight and narrow. BUT, there is no weigh in next Monday because of the holiday so another two week gap. That will NOT matter this time. I will be weighing a couple of times a week on my home scale. I will not avoid it like I did. It will help me stay focused. The New Year is fast approaching and it will be a good one. One where goals will be reached and pleasant surprises abounding.

I need to form habits again. Bringing my lunch to work a majority of the time but when giving myself a break from that to have a pre-planned plan. Learn to tell myself no and then give myself a reason for why I made that decision. To try new things, even if I find myself falling flat on my face ... just knowing that I tried is something to be proud of. Reveal in what works and being willing to change what doesn't.

I will enjoy what I'm eating but will wait until it's time to eat on a scheduled basis with no surprises. It's time to starting journaling, measuring and blogging on a regular basis. Okay I hope to be off and running again starting about two hours ago.

Nuts!

I appreciate the kudos yesterday from Gertie, Ann and Nan but I slipped up in the evening with nuts and not using a proper measuring device. Let me tell you, your hand is not what you should be measuring with. The annoying little voice in my head kept saying "it's protein, it's protein" but I know too much of a good thing isn't good. I also kept hearing Stephanie words "Get rid of the nuts". They're from the party we had on Saturday and I spent too much to toss them, so I need to work on my discipline.

When overeating like this happens it makes me think about all the posts I read about food addiction and binging and I really don't think that's my problem. Addiction would mean if I didn't have it ... I would go out and get it no matter what. I would wake up in the middle of the night and tear into the cabinets. No, I don't think I'm addicted to food. I think I just have an addictive behavior that I need to work on. Much like a two year old throwing a fit when they don't get what they want. I've also never sat down and emptied an entire container of anything unless it was a snacksize package but no large tubs of ice cream, or family size bag of chips. There were still nuts left last night so I don't think I was binging, my behavior was just whacked up.

I will start working on my behavior and not food in particular and see what happens from there. I know I'm making this much harder than it needs to be, but it just what you deal with at the starting over process.

Quit Saying You Will .... AND do it!

You've heard the expression about ... or get off the pot. I have been so wishy washy with my plan the last six weeks or so. I can point out that it's the holiday season, things can get busy and stressful but the truth of the matter is that I've been using LIFE and all that goes on in it at certain periods as an excuse to procrastinate and lose sense of priorities. I didn't get to the point of losing over 25 pounds with that type of thinking. I lost that weight by planning and doing . . . not wishing and hoping.

I want my groove back and while it's hard, I know it will only take a week or two of positive enforcement on my part to gain that once iron clad confidence I had back in September when I had my best weight loss month in the year. If I can get my act together now, the new year will take care of itself as I always go into a new year with fervor.

It has been so easy to say I'll start tomorrow. I've had years of that type of thinking and if I continue on my present course, I can have as many putting off until tomorrows as I want in the days ahead. But that's not what I want. I've always been the person who wanted instant results ... so, if I want instant results why don't I want to start NOW and keep doing what I need to be doing, then I'll see those results a lot quicker.

I can't let this destructive behavior become a way of life. I don't deserve the extra pounds any more than I deserve the overabundance of food I've consumed or the lack luster attitude that has developed from my choices lately but that's what I'll get.

It's only because of some habits I had formed over the past year that has saved me from going totally over the edge but you know what they say about giving an inch ... It has to stop and for me today was going to be the day.

I had a planned breakfast and I knew I had my "Smart Ones" lunch in the freezer at work. This is how I got started with my plan over a year ago and then again after falling off the wagon last spring, this plan helped me get back in rhythm in May when I found blogging. Not too many calories during the first part of the day, having a normal dinner and maybe a light treat in the evening, I was on plan and felt it was just a normal way of life, making good choices. I never felt deprived and it never stopped me for hanging out with anyone.

Oh, but then the lunchhour rolled around and I knew I wanted to go to the mall to pick up a few things. What's wrong with eating out? Mmmmm, chili sounds good since it's so cold out. Voices in my head going at it ... who was going to win. I had to take a stand. I had to start over and that meant frozen dinner. No, it's not as appetizing, but it's okay and dinner is the meal I look forward to on this plan. The other meals are just to sustain me and that hasn't bothered me in the past and looking deep in my heart and soul, it doesn't bother me now because of what I'll see and feel and hear and experience when the pounds start coming on again.

Once day at a time, one step at a time, one pound at a time. So far today I have found success. Got a feeling we'll be having chili for dinner tomorrow.

TGIF

Yesterday was a good day. I felt more in control and the day was full of fun and enjoyment. We had our department lunch at a restaurant in downtown Indy. People were ordering pizza and pasta but I had soup and salad mainly because of my debacle with food the day before and I was fine with my choice. I love this particular restaurant's portebello mushroom soup. I ate slowly (which is another good habit I had gotten out of the habit doing) so I wouldn't be just sitting there when I was finished watching everyone else eat. We exchanged gifts and it was fun to watch the excitement on everyone's face as they opened their gifts, just like they were kids again. I received a very nice Christmas platter. Perfect timing with our party coming up on Saturday.

Last night was Jacob's Christmas program and I'm so glad that we are able to share in our kids and grandkids activities. They all have special meaning to me. The church was crowded but fortunately Stephanie got their early and we had seats.

Since Gary wanted to watch the Colts game and forgot to set the DVR, we headed home instead of our plan to stop for dinner after the program. We put together some tuna salad and mac n cheese and settled in for the game. I know that's not the best menu but I watched my portions and I felt okay partaking in this meal. However, as the evening wore on and I had already had my sugar free fudgie, I wanted more. More ice cream, cookies and popcorn were calling my name but I held my ground and got through the rest of the evening.

I still haven't been on the scale but this morning the slacks I wore were loose, so I hope that's a good sign. Maybe I can conjure up the courage to weigh in the morning.

Got to Get it Together

I feel like I've awaken a sleeping giant. Why am I wanting to eat everything in sight. Am I squashing emotions? I didn't post yesterday and that probably was a mistake. Maybe I should have posted something about my desire to find something to eat that is satisfying and it doesn't have to be hot dogs, french fries, candy or popcorn. Those were things that I reached for yesterday that I should have found a good substitute.

I do feel a little overwhelmed but it's not to the point that I'm frantic. In fact things are starting to come together with my plan to do first things first. My department luncheon is today and last night I got everything done that I was responsible for. Next in line is the party at our house on Saturday and I delegated things to Gary to help me with that. That isn't me. I usually want to handle it all but I've opened my eyes a little on that.

I'll work on Christmas cards and shopping after our party and then should be in good shape ... oh, I forgot about our company Christmas party which I coordinate, but that will be fine too. I just want to enjoy the season and have some fun along with it. Overeating junk is not to be considered fun and I'll keep reminding myself of that.

Tonight is my grandson's school Christmas program. If anything lifts my spirits, it's my grandkids smiling faces. I spent wonderful time with my three in Maryland last week and get to see the other two several times this week because of the Christmas programs. Who needs gifts when I have these living treasures.

Back to the Routine

It's back to work today and getting involved in something is good. Less time to ponder and think and make up these wild stories in your head. I have vowed to be more confident and also go with the attitude to do what I can do and move on. I know I can't have everything I want but I can also dream.

I didn't get on the scales this morning. That'll come tomorrow after I drink a ton of water today. I don't drink that much when we're traveling and I need to be primed to get the water flowing out of me.

I plan to do a little shopping on my lunch hour and also get a list together of some small things I would like. I had the disappointment of not hearing from my "Christmas Swap" person, so I guess she changed her mind. I had a small list started for her that I'll just expand on for family. Maybe it was divine intervention because of feeling I'm too committed right now and also feel that I'm behind in what needs to be done.

I have never worked with to do lists before but I need some structure in my life to lessen the overwhelmed feelings. It'll get done ... it always does and this time that includes taking off the weight. All the tasks in my life are one step at a time.

Blue Monday

We're back on the road on the PA turnpike seeing the countryside covered in snow. The road is clear thankfully. We'll be sleeping in our own bed tonight and it'll be back to work tomorrow.

Yesterday evening seemed to be very frustrating for me with a work related issue and lousy performance by my beloved Colts. It's funny how such things we have no control over and really don't affect us personally have such a stronghold on our moods. Like taking an aspirin for a headache to dull the pain, chocolate sounded like it would do the trick. Good thing someone got to the dish before me and it was empty. We ate at an Italian restaurant last night and the portions were huge. So much that the amount I took home was overflowing in the takeout container I asked for In my frame of mind, I'm surprised I didn't eat the whole thing The scale this morning remained at 175 , so I know I at least maintained this trip..

My mood has switched from work and football to missing the kids and grandkids, wishing I still had kids at home to decorate with and play in the snow. Gary asked what was wrong and I said .. just life and he said I'm sorry I didn't know your life was so bad. It's not ... I'm so blessed with so much. So much to really feel guilty when I feel this way. I definitely need to put things in perspective.

What could be better?

I'm sitting here with a blanket wrapped around me listening to Christmas music with sounds of children playing in the background as I catch up on my book "Deliver us from Evil". A much needed slower pace. It will revitalize me upon our return to Indiana on Monday and all the activities at work and home I'm facing, including 3 parties, 2 school programs, shopping and probably weather, in the next couple of weeks. I always get a late start on my shopping but am way behind this year since I haven't even started yet. At times I seem to thrive under pressure ... hope I can hold it together this time.

Doing okay away from home with the eating. I'm definitely using portion control and hoping to hold my own. Getting down on the floor playing with the kids will have to serve as exercise or maybe getting up off the floor is THE exercise. I felt pretty guilty this morning when I found out that my DIL was at the gym ... not because I wasn't but because I was in bed asleep while she was. I'm really taking advantage of sleeping in while I can.

I did weigh on their scales the morning after we got here (on Thursday). I know every scale is different and I really didn't get on them to see what I weighed but to gauge what I'm doing while I'm here. I was down yesterday morning and this morning I didn't weigh ... I'll probably wait and weigh on Monday before we leave and see just how much of those portions I controlled.

12 Days of Christmas

I was suppose to do this as soon as I read about it, but I'm a big procrastinator and also with traveling didn't get it done ... so, you only have a few hours to sign up. I saw on Kenz blog about this gift exchange and was to let all my readers know, so here goes.

Here is a list of the particulars that you need to know if you plan to participate:

* You must have a blog to participate! It's important because participants will be asked to post about the event on their blogs too. We want to see what everyone receives! :)

* This swap is only open to bloggers in the US. I heart my international friends, but shipping will be too complicated at this time of year. We should have come up with this idea sooner, right? ;)

* Don't be cheap! The gifts don't need to be expensive! They just need to be thoughtful and fun to receive. Fill the package with gifts that you'd like to receive. :) Think about how you want to feel when you open your package, and add a little "wow" to your gifts. You get the idea, right?

Here are some ideas in case you need examples:
~your favorite lotion
~Christmas ornament
~favorite candy or healthy food item

Find out things about your partner...this is also supposed to help you gain friends :) Have tons of fun with it!

* Each gift MUST be individually wrapped. You can number the gifts so your partner knows what to open each day or just write a note that it's okay to open them in any order.

* The package must be mailed out by Thursday, December 9...so that they can start opening their 12 days of Christmas on the 13th...please don't be that person that sends it late...

So here's what to do:

* Add a link to your blog at the bottom of this post

* Leave a comment with your e-mail address so we know how to contact you.

* Post about the swap on your blog and link back so others can join. Hey..they more the merrier right? :)

* Sign up before Friday, Dec. 3rd at noon central time.

* Wait for an e-mail with your swap partner's information and blog address.

If you have any questions you can email Kenz or Janna at: shrinkingkenz@gmail.com or atxbikegirl@gmail.com!

* You will have a partner by Saturday December 4th

Then let the shopping and shipping BEGIN!!!

This is such a great way to make new friends! Please join the fun and do your part to make this an incredible swap! :)

It'll Be a Cold Day . . .

I guess winter is here. I'll be covered up a little more with a coat and sweaters. The layered look will be in. That will not be any reason to hide those extra pounds because of the season. It'll just give me reason to keep on doing what I need to do to emerge like a butterfly once spring arrives. A new transformation both inside and outside.

Enjoying my time with the kids and grandkids and also able to sleep in and relax a little. This is the traveling I like. I did have a lot a food placed in front of me yesterday. We had lunch at a new restaurant for us here. It was a place that has brick oven pizzas, but I choose to have sandwich. I asked about splitting a sandwich but was told they weren't that big. 1/2 sandwich would have been plenty. Gary and I ended up getting different sandwiches and taking each other's leftover half. Have you ever noticed when a sandwich is cut in half there is usually one side that is smaller. So, I had two smaller halves. We also celebrated my son, Erick's, birthday at his M-I-L's. A chicken parm and pasta meal. I cut the smallest chicken breast in half (maybe half-sees is my new approach) and a small portion of pasta and loaded HALF the plate with salad. It was enough and I just ate slowly. Then out came the dessert. Truffles, cookies and TWO frozen delecacies from Stone Cold Creamery. I was fine with diving into the conversation and listening intently ... I didn't miss the sugar rush that the grandkids seem to have on the way home. All in all, it was a good day.

I mentioned I had a lot of food placed in front of me ... I usually don't like to post pictures of food because I'm afraid it will be tempting to other but this is what my granddaughter Katherine fixed for me.

The Storm

After I wrote my post from the car yesterday, we started to see snow on the ground as we approached West Virginia. Once we got up in the mountains it was starting to get hairy. It was down to one lane on the interstate and the visability was well ... challenging. Once we got to a lower elevation there wasn't even any evidence of snow. We arrived safely and it was great to see the kids. Kim has lost three pant sizes and Erick continues to be very disciplined about his marathon training. He's sure to do well next month.

I still feel like I'm a newbie with the diet regimine. I'm still fighting the good fight but I lost some of my resolve by slipping or should I say "just getting by" for a couple of weeks. I found it difficult to forego bread yesterday ... the same as in the beginning. I did eventually get a handle on it before but it took several weeks into the program and I'm hoping after one or two failed attempts I'll finally GET it and be able to pass it by without a second thought unless I have planned for it. No, I take that back ... that's a copout. I'm done with the excuses. Bread will not be a stronghold over me. I'm in charge. Just like sweets do not bother me. Again, I'm in charge of when and where andy WHY I will consume such things.

Okay, I feel pretty strong and confident right now. I am in charge, I will make good choices. If I decide to eat something that is higher in calories, I will make modifications and control my portions. I will not use ANYthing as an excuse not to get to where I am going. I've will come through the storm unscathed.

Motoring On

It's not quite the Jet Setting lifestyle but it sure seems like it. As I write this we are headed east on I-70 toward Maryland. The fourth time we have been on the road in a little over a month. That can cause havoc on a diet but I'm hanging in there and I feel Thanksgiving at home was the real challenge.

Yesterday went well with no sidestepping on my plan. It was a quick day at the office and plenty to do with laundry and packing when I got home ... just no time for exercise and I'm missing it.

I thought yesterday about the Jet Setting life and how sophisticated those people are. Since I seem to be a Jet Set Wannabe now I should take some cues. I don't think those type of people hang out at McD's drive thru or choose chips over cavier. Of course fish eggs don't sound all that appealing so I would have to pass and have nothing. Yes HAVE NOTHING. Pass ... no thanks ... maybe later .. can do without attitude.

Victorious and Exhausted

Yesterday being the first day back entirely on plan, I felt I did quite well. Maybe I should say back on plan with eating as I did not exercise. It does seem like I'm starting completely over because in the very beginning I did not exercise right away. That does not mean I am not moving and just vegging out in front of the TV. I feel I am keeping quite active but noticed I'm very tired. I also noticed that trend when I first started slashing at the calories and eliminating junk ... maybe it's just a good sign that my body is making some adjustments and I will begin to see some results.

I had no problem with cravings or desires until evening and of course it was all in my mind ... AGAIN. We went to Applebee's for dinner and I got their Asian Crunch Salad listed in their "UNDER 550 CALORIE" menu. I had had an Asian Salad there before but this was new and for my taste quite disappointing. It just wasn't very flavorful. My mind was working in the same way when it wants what it wants ... it wasn't satisfied so it wanted something else. Gary offered me some of his steak but ... no, I had to work on the discipline. POPCORN ... POPCORN. Having some 94% fat free popcorn when I got home wouldn't throw me off plan, would it? Ooops, there's still some candy left over from Halloween (that stuff should have been thrown out weeks ago) ... no I've got to get through the first day with some discipline. Weighing ... yes weighing. I've got to weigh which is the most important satisfaction ... satisfying a food desire or satisfying the desire to lose those extra pounds and the snowball effect of losing.

When we got home I had to get the rest of the Christmas decorations out of the storage tubs to finish decorating before we leave for Maryland tomorrow. After I did that I don't know whether it was being too tired or too lazy, I didn't make it into the kitchen. I just fell asleep on the couch and finally made it upstairs to bed without any snacking.

Back to the Basics

You know better, you prepare, you have all this support out there and then you kick yourself for not following through. The scales are up this morning and it's really no surprise. On the heels of vacation came Thanksgiving with a couple of celebrations and the few days prior to that I was fighting some sort of malady I returned from vacation with and my guard was down ... no exercise, no control over eating, no discipline, so obviously no loss.

It's all behind me now and I was glad to get on the scales this morning to have a new beginning. Not that it is going to get any easier. We're leaving for Maryland on Wednesday to visit the kids but I will be under control and drink lots of water on the trip. Something else that I've been slacking on.

While I am starting over, I still am happy with my success. I have to use that as a stepping stone to convince myself while it's a long hard road, there is much to benefit from. I'm starting to see a small change and don't want to give that up. It gives me desire to want more and I don't want to lose that confidence to believe in myself.

Just Here

Back from our trip and the scale didn't go crazy so I'm okay with that. I think I maintained but can never be sure with the home scale. Not feeling all that great physically and the mental part has shifted as well. I'm not overeating but it just seems harder and more of a fight.

When I talked to my son on my birthday he mentioned that they are going back to DisneyWorld in October when they have their Half Marathon. Erick, Kim and our oldest grandson, Brandon are planning on running in it. I told him maybe I should consider it, as well. Could I really run ... I think I could walk but don't know about running? If it could become a reality ... I guess I better start training, huh?

Happy New Year

I want to thank everyone for my birthday wishes. I gave given myself a very valuable gift today with the weight that I have left behind. There is less of me but in the same token so much more. More seft worth, self confidence, self esteem. I am FULL of life. I am truly blessed with good health and a loving family and I hope to have a better attitude from this point going forward. There are so many things to be thankful for and I plan to open my eyes to them every day.

I do feel that I've come quite a distance. I was somewhat frustrated yesterday. I was very conscious of my behavior yesterday and kept fighting all the excuses that could be used to overeat. By our evening meal, I was tried of fighting and decided to let myself go. As I stood in front of the dessert table at the buffet, that little voice in my head .... remember that little voice that seems to torment us sometime .... surely you too have listened to it many times???? Well, that little voice was saying. Look around, is there anything that great or that you can't live without. Is there anything that is there TODAY that is worth the questions you are going to ask yourself tonight when you lie you head on the pillow. I stood there like I was frozen in time and finally answered myself ... no, not TODAY and walked back to our table.

This morning I slept in or at least it felt like it. There's an hour difference in time where we are. I didn't make it to the gym yesterday as we were just getting settled and our schedule was somewhat irractic. We did do a surmountable amount of walking though. However, this morning I being determined to give myself the best year of my life going forward, I hit the gym. 45 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes on the treadmill. That's the first time for today ... I'm not giving up hope that I will go back because the gym is open until 11:00 p.m.

I don't know how often I'll be able to blog on this trip as there is not wifi in the room. I have to go to the lobby and it just depends on our schedule. Did you know that the percentages for success go up tremendously if you give yourself credit for how far you've come. There's something to say for confidence. Hold up your head and move forward.

He clarified the goal

This will be a short post. I'm doing this on my Kindle in the car and it's painfully slow ... just like seeing results when you're dieting ... but I'll get there. I had my physical this morning and the doc did say he was very pleased with my weight loss and congratulated me and said he knew it wasn't an easy thing to accomplish. He asked how much I weighed when I got married. I said there was no way I could get to that weight. I think I was at 128. He said 150 to 155 would be good. I guess I now have a goal. Before seeinng him I thought I would continue losing until I really struggled and I would take that as my cue that was my ideal weight. Maybe that'd be too easy or turn out to be a copout. So whatever .. it's still one pound at a time.

Try, Try Again

My weigh-in last night showed me with a gain of one pound. My last gain was in August. I'm over it and ready to move forward. Lots of activities in the weeks ahead. In about 1/2 hour my department at work will be celebrating my birthday. I tried to get out of this by not being here on Friday but they moved it until today. I told the gal who has my name that I didn't want a dessert, she said something about fruit, so we'll see. I would have been happy with only my office decorated, but they didn't even do that ... that's okay, it nothing special anyway ... YES, it is. Just because I'm 61 doesn't mean that I'm not still like a kid excited about her birthday.

I have my annual physical tomorrow and I know the doc will probably say something. He's not one of those that only lectures you when you need to lose and doesn't say anything when you do. I'm sure he'll be happy about my weight and hopefully it will reflect in my bloodwork.

After the doctor, we will be on the road. Going to get away for a few days to celebrate my birthday. Like I did before, I plan on hitting the gym everyday while we're there and choose wisely at the buffet. I did it before. I'm getting in the right mindset to do it again.

The big problem that faces me is that I will not be weighing in for the next three to four weeks as we will be traveling every weekend, including Mondays between now and then and I won't be making my TOPS meetings. I will be using my home scales to be accountable and hopefully go back to TOPS with a loss.

The Fire's Out

I struggled all weekend and that's about it. I'm very emotional like it used to be with PMS. There's always tomorrow but I seem to be walking such a fine line with so much ahead of me. Faking it until I make it seemed to backfire this time but we'll see what happens.

I Feel Better Now

I have this thing for a good hot dog. I especially like the ones that snap when you bite into them, but can't seem to find any here in Indy. On my way to work this week, I notice a place called "American Hot Dog Company" was now open. I talked to Gary about it and we decided to go there for lunch yesterday since I get off at noon on Fridays. I knew I could work it into my plan. When we got there, we found out that it was just a drive thru place and not what I envisioned and we decided not to have lunch there. There was a place close by that we had never eaten before and I suggested it. It was just a mom and pop type restaurant with the typical fare of sandwiches, salads, fries, etc., I immediately gravitated to the grilled pork tenderloin. I had one a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty good. What did I order? Breaded Tenderloin, fries and cole slaw. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth ... but it didn't stop me from eating it. What was going on? Was I disappointed I didn't get the hot dog I had been thinking about all week, so I was out to ... I don't know ... get some kind of satisfaction? Was I binging? I had been reading so many blogs about that lately. I came home and did a couple of things around the house. I really needed to pick up some things at Target but I was really procrastinating. Hmmmm, I thought maybe if I went shopping and tried some things on to see the new me, I might perk up. I mentioned it to Gary. He said give me 30 minutes, I'm going to lie down for a while. What did that mean, was he going to go with me? Did he want me to wait until I went by myself. We actually do enjoy spending time together and my mood wasn't that great ... so I just sat. It was getting closer and closer to 5:45. That's the time the Zumba class starts at the rec center. Was I going ??? naw, I wasn't ... but I've been going when we didn't have anything to do ... I'd better go ... but I said something about going shopping. Gary had been downstairs now for awhile but I was just sitting. In tears, I finally said did you want to go shopping with me .... my emotions let go. I should have gone to Zumba, why am I in this destructive zone? I wasn't in the mood to shop, but maybe if I went ... my mood would improve. We headed out and I roamed around a couple of department stores in a fog. Maybe I was waiting for Stacey and Clinton to jump out and say "Try This On". Finally I said something to Gary and he said I'm Not Saying Anything ... but then did start looking at things on the racks and picked out something for me to try on. It was a pant suit that had a jacket that was belted. It would show a defined waist. Something that I was looking for to show there was a change in my body. The thing is there wasn't anything smaller than a 16 (the size I have been wearing since I started this journey). Surely after 30 pounds I am a smaller size. I tried it on. It fit ... all this effort and I'm still wearing the same size. Yes, the waist, hips and thighs were loose, but a smaller size and it would have been too tight. It looked nice and Gary bought it for me for the birthday which is next week. Is that's what's bothering me or is it just a combination of crummy attitude.

I got up this morning and did a stupid thing. I got on the scale and it was up 2#'s. I don't usually weigh on a Saturday because we have rice on Friday and I know that tends to make me hold water but there was something in me that made me think damage had been done and I wanted to see how much ... that's really crazy because I had been doing great all week but you know how the mind works. Maybe it was a good thing after all as I decided I was going to head to the rec center. There was a Zumba class at 9:00. I hoped it wouldn't be full and they told me it wasn't, so I paid my $5 walk in fee. The class was packed. The class had many people my age and while I sweated and felt I had a good workout, I think this must have been a beginner's class because it wasn't as intense. I'm glad I went and the clouds are lifting. I have two parties today and we have our first Thanksgiving dinner to celebrate tomorrow and I am not going to throw in the towel. I can't ... I just can't.

TGIF

Here it is Friday again and I'm tired. It was a late night last night and from 7:00 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. in heels wore me out -- but my calves look good. Yep, I walked at the mall on my lunch hour like I had planned, doing a little window shopping and people watching as I went along. We had an event to go to last night and it was rush home, pick up Gary and we were off. A new Performing Arts Building in the area is opening in January and they had a "Tuning Of the Hall" last night. Several music jaundras are playing between now and then to help adjust and tweak the sound and acoustics. Our nephew plays in a Billy Joel tribute band and they were fortunate to be the first group to play inside this building prior to opening to the public in January. As the evening went on, they sounded really good.

Yesterday I failed to eat breakfast. Did you hear there's a new study out where they're questioning eating breakfast if you're not hungry. I still think you need it, but no cereal in the cupboard and no time for much else and my usually rush, rush, rush in the morning made me do without. I just had a "Smart Ones" at lunch and 1/2 sandwich and soup for dinner before the show, so I believe my points were on the low side yesterday or would have been if I hadn't got into the nuts when I got home. Nuts are one of those things that I play over in my head as a good nutritious snack full of protein. It gives me the false feeling of security. I need to remember you can get too much of a good thing. But, they're gone now and there won't be any in the house until our next party which is our annual Reunion Committee Christmas party on December 11.

This weekend is packed with activities. That being said I know there will be food temptations but I feel I'm far enough into my program that I am confident that I know how to handle them. I will continue to fill up on water and use portion control, if I feel myself wavering.

It's Just Not Me

Okay trying to get back on schedule here but since I wrote last night, this will be a short post.

I think I mentioned I'm not a morning person and I also tend to lose things. Personalities can't be changed but what we do can. It's called discipline and I need some. This morning I made two extra trips upstairs because I had planned to work out on my lunchhour and had my bag with my workout clothes ready but I needed socks. After I rushed upstairs to get them and back down to put them in my bag, I remembered I took my shoes off upstairs and had to retrace my steps back upstairs to get them. Don't shoes and socks always go together ... why two trips? I rushed out the door which is par for the course and got about half way to work and at a stoplight got this strange feeling. I looked over my shoulder into the back seat and guess what WASN'T there. Yep, you guessed it ... my bag with my workout clothes. Well guess what I'm not doing on my lunchhour? REALLY, you think forgetting my clothes will keep me from a little exercise? I will be mall walking ... yep, in heels. At least it will tone my calves. What I'm not doing is overeating. Have a good day everyone.

Out of Sorts

My blog timing is all out of whack. I usually blog in the morning and report on my previous day. Sometimes I'd do this before I leave for work in the morning, at morning break or the latest on my lunch hour. Since the weekend my schedule is all screwed up. Does it make any difference ... surely not but I don't like getting out of the habit of doing something because when you get out of the habit things start to slide. How many time have you started a exercise regimen and took a day off for no good reason, saying I'll do it tomorrow. Same thing with falling off the wagon and saying I'll start again tomorrow and for some reason tomorrow never comes. It seems like it takes a lot longer to get back to a habit than it does creating that habit. Gary is gone this evening so I'm alone and now is a good time for me to write a little until I get back on schedule tomorrow.

There is really nothing different going on in my life to write about but I think it's important to check in at least five times a week ... I would like to check in on all seven days but weekends can some times be challenging.

I came home from work tonight, changed clothes and headed to the gym. I was hoping to exercise at work but my day didn't start on the right foot. I overslept (first time I've done that in years) and rushed out of the house, leaving some important bills that needed to be put in the mail today so I had Gary meet me for lunch and there went my workout time. I had a good workout at the gym tonight though and the machines said that I burned 500 calories. Mmmmm, 500 huh? There's still a bowl of halloween candy on the table in the entryway. Are you kidding me ... I'd rather have a glass of milk with my chili or some crackers in it.

Okay, that it ... oh, maybe not. I'm busy at work with Christmas party prep. We're going to play a family feud game and I need some questions answered to get a consensus. You know where they say "100 people were surveyed". Well I need 100 people. If you're interested email me at the email address in the sidebar. You and 20 of your closest friends :) Thanks.

Tag, You're It

I’ve been tagged by Ann of Livin’ Large No More to answer some questions and then I guess the object of the game is to tag four other bloggers and they are to tag someone else with new questions, so here’s my questions from Ann to answer

1. How often do you go to the grocery store (which one/ones)?
Since my husband retired and started doing all or at least most of the cooking, he also does most of the grocery shopping. I may go with him on a weekend once a month. We usually go to Meijer or Kroger.

2. What is your favorite activity, and why?
I like to be active and get out and do things. I’d have to say being involved with My high school class and reconnecting with classmates. I’ve been in charge since Our 35th reunion in 2002 and the committee has become very close. The committee has several annual events and we continue to try to get together on a monthly basis. We also have a class blog where I send out questions each month for classmates to answer and post those on our class blog. We will start planning our 45th reunion next year to occur in 2012

3. So far, what has been your favorite reaction, when someone notices your weight loss?
That’s tough because I’m just getting to a point where it’s noticeable. I guess it’s compliments which are always good to hear and being told that I’m doing well with my program.

4. Within 5 hours from your house, what is your favorite destination, why, and when did you last go there?
Wow, Ann, you’re making me think way too hard. I love to travel and I’m trying to think of places that are within 5 hours which would be Milwaukee or the Lake Erie area … maybe Put In Bay, Ohio. I do have a favorite Inn in the Cincinnati area that we have been to several times, but I’m going to say just the State of Indiana. When Gary retired we started this adventure of wanting to visit all 92 counties in the state and learning a little history about each of them. We try to stay overnight in a B&B and have stayed in some interesting places and learned a lot about our state. It’ll take us 20 years probably to cover the state but it’ll be fun.

Okay here are the four people I’m tagging and here are my questions for them.
Tess
Sharon
Gertie
and my beautiful daughter Stephanie

1. What is your favorite holiday and why and how do you celebrate it?

2. Do you relish time alone and what was the last thing you did when you were alone for 24 hours?

3. What is your favorite type of ethic food and when and what was the last time you ate it?

4. Who was your favorite teacher in high school and why?

I'm Feeling It

Yesterday was a real busy day and I couldn't find time to do any blogging, even though I had a lot to talk about. We had our annual staff meeting yesterday at work where we honor staff with service awards. It is my responsibility to organize, set-up and purchase the awards. Yesterday, I was busy making nametags, purchasing refreshments and supervising the room set-up as well as attending the meeting and also making 100 brownie sundaes, scooping out the ice cream . If I couldn't eat 'em, at least I could make 'em and inhale the aroma.

When I left this blog, my last entry was about getting in touch with all of my emotions not just the bad but also the good. Being able to express myself more openly and find the "JOY". Gary and I went on a wine trail event on Saturday, visiting four wineries where they were also providing samples of food that were made with wine. Don't get ahead of me ... the wine didn't bring out the exuberance in me. When we first started out on our adventure, we were going down this country road and I said "Woo--Hoo, we're gonna, have a great day." I guess I said it too loud, or too shrieky cause Gary said "do you wnat me to have a wreck" ... he thought something was wrong on the road. When I 'splained it to him, he was okay and we talked about being in a good mood, being happy, being blessed that we could do all we do. I may have acted a little silly at times on Saturday, but you know what ... when I did, it put a smile on my face. We also stopped at a Riverboat Casino where we both played the penny slots together and had a ball ... I let myself go and screamed when I thought I was getting close to hitting a bonus spin and again had fun. I only ended up winning fifteen cents but felt like I had won fifteen hundred dollars by the time we got home which was pretty late.

Fast forward or I guess it's really back it up until Sunday. We went to noon mass and Gary asked if I wanted to go to Jockomo's for lunch. I love their spinach salad and we used to travel about 60-90 minutes roundtrip to visit this pizza place. They have now opened a restaurant five minutes from our house. The thing is, as I have written before, I don't like to eat salad the day before I weigh in because it tends to make me hold water. At first, I asked if we could go somewhere else but I stopped myself and said I've tried really hard this week and I'm sure I'm losing, if I do have a gain at TOPS, I'll know it's from water weight and that won't stop me. I had my salad and one slice of pizza and I felt great. We both decided we'd eat light at dinner. The result at my weigh-in last night ???? ... it didn't affect my weigh-in. Maybe it's a salad made with iceberg lettuce that holds water and spinach salad doesn't have the same effect because I lost two pounds. I am now at 30 pounds lost and it feels great. WOO-HOO .... yes, WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!!

One thing I forgot to mention was when we went out on Saturday, I put on a pair of black jeans. Like with some jeans that tend to stretch out a little after you first put them on ... well, we did quite a bit of walking and it wasn't too long before they were like the pants in the song "pants on the ground" hanging around my butt cheeks and I was constantly having to pull them up. I'm starting to see results. YEAH-YEAH-YEAH!

I love Friday since I only have to work until noon but it seemed to drag yesterday. I guess I was excited about having lunch with a friend I haven't seen for awhile. She had just returned from Rome and I was anxious to hear about her trip and get caught up in general. We had lunch at a quaint restaurant and both of us chose the 1/2 sandwich and soup. We spent a couple hours just chatting and it made me realize the importance of friends.

I had to make a stop on the way home to pick up some awards for our staff meeting on Monday and of course it was way out of the way on an opposite side of town. I couldn't believe that it was almost 4:00 when I got home. So much for getting anything done on my afternoon off but it was nice to have a "me" afternoon. I still intended on going to Zumba but thought ... it's going to be harder because of not being able to go last week. I also remember the episode with the light headedness and dizzyness and decided to have some nuts and a banana on my way and made sure I took water. When I got to the rec center, I was the first one there and while talking to the instructor learned that I was in an intermediate class. Why that should make a difference I don't know, but I thought wow, I'm almost keeping up and it's more than a beginner's class. I was just proud of myself for that ... don't know why. I still had some weird sensations and had to stop in the middle of step sometimes ... but don't want to give this up. Something is pushing me to continue Zumba.

Last night while watching "What Not To Wear", there was a scene when the gal that was getting a makeover came into the room dressed beautifully and her friends and family were screaming and clapping. Gary said why do girls scream. I couldn't answer that question, because for some reason I've never done that. I don't tend to get overly excited about anything. Why ... do I also suppress my emotions when I'm happy or excited. I'm told alot to "smile" ... do I need to question getting in touch with my emotions ... will I be happier then? I'm pleased with my life. I'm content with my life. I AM happy, but do I feel really joy. Is joy letting out those emotions. They say when you look good, you feel good. When you let it out do you feel the joy.

I don't know how this post ended up with this but I guess I needed to write about it. Gary and I are going out and do a lot of things today. Things that can be a lot of fun. We'll see if I get in tune with my emotions.

Ming Boggling

As I mentioned in my last entry, we had our annual chili cook-off at work yesterday. We have this event this time of year to raise money for our Christmas families that we provide gifts and food. We had good response and raised over $200 to put into this fund. Last year I participated by bringing in chili and would have done so again this year if the number of entries were down. With other things going, I was glad we had enough cooks. Staff also brings in accompaniments for the chili, as well. Cheese, crackers, sour cream, corn chips, bread and of course there were brownies for dessert. I mean what's chili without all of the goodies that you pile on. What is it? It's added calories and talk about pile on ... yep with me it piles on my hips and thighs. So, yes I participated but my chili stood alone ... I did bring in a veggie tray, so I guess those were my add ons ... but not in the chili, you know what I mean.

After lunch we celebrated a department member's birthday. I wish we would do this activity like I've heard others do and that would be to have a gathering for all those with birthdays in the month on one certain day of the month, but we take turns hosting and today it was up to me. I stopped and got a colorful plant and put up decorations around my fellow employee's door. The night before I made a chocolate cake from a recipe that I found online. It was actually low cal not using any oil or shortening in the cake and the frosting was made with sugar-free pudding. Since Gary now does 98% of the cooking, I struggled making the cake. It wasn't baking or raising the way it should. I think maybe when turning on the timer, I turned off the oven after it was pre-heated. Gary came to my rescue and finally it was done. It looked okay and the toothpicks came out clean so I assumed it wouldn't be half-baked .... mmm, I've heard that description before. Anyway, I had to give a preamble before I served the cake that this was all an experiment and then when I was the only one that didn't take a piece, people wondered ... but said it was good. That's right ... after all the struggles I went through, I didn't have any cake. I didn't feel deprived or anything, it was just my choice. It seems for the past few months, desserts are something I just pass by. Maybe even without any thought. I'm not tempted or crave them. On one of the blogs I read, Leslie wrote a great post and mentioned something about not being able to handle sugar. I took it as sugar addiction but the more I'm thinking about it ... maybe she wasn't talking about it as addiction but just the way the body processes it. Maybe I avoid desserts because of something subconsciously going on. I have never considered myself a person that binges but maybe there is something going on in my head that tells me that dessert isn't the right fit for me right now. This probably doesn't make any sense but I'd like to know more about this sugar thing and what it does to your body. Things with natural sugar like fruit seem to be okay, it just things like cakes, pies, cookies, donuts ... you know. Okay now I'm really confused. I hope Leslie continues on this topic.

**POOF**

I think a good mood is much like a balloon ... it brings joy and it floats around in a carefree manner. Much like I felt when I got up yesterday, ready to face another day with optimism. Then later in the morning when faced with frustration, my good mood had some of the air let out. and before I knew it poof, it was gone. I didn't want to do anything because whatever I did wasn't turning out the way it should. Something that should have taken no time at all couldn't be done the same way it had been done in the past and in some cases I had to go back to GO and NOT collect .... well, whatever they do in Monopoly. It was so defeating, so frustrating, so tiring, so ....

I had my workout clothes again to do a short sprint on the bike and treadmill during my lunch hour but with my mood ... could anything motivate me. Well, something did. It was the comments I received about yesterday's post that I checked out before lunch. Thanks ladies. So even though my heart wasn't in it, I headed downstairs at noon. Funny thing, a lot of the tension I was feeling was gone when I had put in my time. It's becoming a trend. I forgot my lunch again and ended up having to walk for my lunch too. It was a couple of blocks to Subway and I thought that was my best bet.

I was ready to crash when I got home but I was faced with baking a cake and getting a veggie tray together. We're celebrating a birthday in my department today and it's my turn to bring the goodies and to top that off we're also having a company wide chili-cookoff to raise money for our Christmas families. My evening had extra activities in it, but I made the effort to still get to the gym for a mini-session before dinner.

All I can say is I must REALLY want a loss next Monday.

The "Why" Has It

Yesterday I was full of determination. I got up ready to face the world and what it had to offer. I knew there would be plenty of opportunities for me to take advantage. I had been too complacent the last couple of weeks and I wanted to see those scales move the next time I got on them ... really move.

Monday I carted my work-out clothes to work with me because the fire was starting to ignite then but I wondered if working out right before a weigh-in would have any bearing. I've heard muscles can retain water after exercising, so I decided not to chance it.

The company where I work has workout facilities. Do I take advantage of them ... mmm. I did when we first moved to our new building but just like anything else the excitement soon wore off. But are there reasons to take advantage of things around you, that can help you get where you're going. YOU BET! Why do I let these moments pass me by? I'm not looking at big chunks of time. I don't have time for that but with all the little bits of time here and there I'm wasting, I think 20 or 30 minutes just isn't that significant to make it an excuse. I brought my clothes again with me yesterday. I wasn't going to use all my lunch hour, just part of it. I did 10 minutes on the bike and 15 minutes on the treadmill. Was that enough to make any difference? The readout said I did burn some calories.

Was I done ... nope. I had put in some exercise for the day, although a small amount but I had another small block of time after I got home and there was no reason I couldn't go to the community center and workout before dinner. I'm very fortunate that since Gary retired he does most of the cooking, especially during the week. I don't have to rush home to make dinner so there is no reason why I shouldn't put in a little time at the gym in the evening.

It's not that I enjoy working out. I don't hate anything or anybody but exercise is just not one of the loves of my life. Maybe I could say it's one of those necessary evils like cleaning the toilet. Nothing glamorous or exciting about that, but it needs to be done. Anyway, even in short segments, it seems to help and I can push myself through those small blocks of time and not give up.

Where Am I?

My body is adjusting and learning how to maintain its weight ... ya think? Second week in a row where the number on the scale remained the same and I am fine with it because the last couple of weeks I feel that I haven't been totally true to the journey.

I need to get my head back into the game instead of coasting along. There will be enough time for that when I'm at my journey's destination and then again .... I'm not so sure about that!

I've evidently learned some things because I didn't totally cave when I could have the last two weeks. I also made better choices than in my past attempts but that in no way means that I can do this without trying. I need to focus in on my day and my week. Set some parameters to help me succeed. Mainly, get back to the basics.

I stayed busy last week and was pretty active with the grandkids on our trip to Cincinnati. I went to the workout room once at the hotel for ten minutes but my heart (or head) wasn't in it and I didn't even break a sweat. I feel that I do need a good workout at least twice a week ... probably even more than that, but that should be the minimum. I really do think that proper eating is #1 but I'm pleased with the exercise that is toning and shaping my body. I finally am seeing a difference in my clothes and there are a couple of items I may be retiring from my closet.

So, all is good ... but it could be better!

I'm Exhausted

We've spent the last few days watching two of our grandkids and making sure they had as much fun as their mom and dad were having in Florida. Jacob and Gracie were on Fall Break Thursday and Friday so he headed to Cincinnati. Our first day we hit the Aquarium which is actually across the Ohio River in Kentucky. It was a fun time and they had many individual exhibits. Here I'm looking at a giant octopus.

We stopped for lunch before we got to the Aquarium, so I had no problem with my choice, although I was tempted while others had frostys. No, actually I wasn't ... sweets don't seem to bother me.

After the aquarium we went back to the hotel and had fun in the pool. In the past, I wouldn't have even put on a swimsuit but it was different this time. It did help that we had the pool to ourselves. I actually did a few laps in the pool.

Friday the Children's Museum was on our schedule. The hotel offered breakfast but the choices for me were slim to none. I ended up with a banana. Here I'm sitting in "The Woods" while the kids played.

We had a fun time and I tried to choose wisely, we'll see what happens tonight.

What I Learned

Wow was yesterday ever busy. That's my kind of day. I can stay out of trouble on busy days. My emotions don't have time to creep in and make me question ... well, anything.

I missed lunch yesterday but I didn't have hunger pangs or think it was time to eat because of the clock. My boss said he was leaving at 1:30 and needed something completed for his signature before he left. I was happy to adhere my schedule to get this done especially when I knew I would be out the rest of the week. It was 2:00 when I would have been able to go out and get a quick bite as I forgot to bring anything to eat at my desk from home. I knew we would be eating an early dinner so since I wasn't really hungry thought I just grab some pnut butter crackers from the vending machine to tide me over. I couldn't believe that the package of crackers had more points than what I would have eaten if I had brought my "Smart Ones" from home. I learned vending machines don't contain good lunch options.

I also learned that I treated eating the crackers as a snack as not a meal. Meaning that I continued to work at my desk and didn't pay that much attention to what I was eating. One minute there was a full package and the next, there was only one cracker left and I didn't remember those inbetween. I learned that when I eat a meal I am more conscious of what I'm eating. I can also say I am more satisfied and think I enjoy what I had just consumed more. How many times do you eat something and not even remember how it tasted?

Nothing much happened yesterday but even at that ... there are still things we can learn every day.

No Movement

Yesterday, I carried on like any normal day. The exception is on Monday I always get on the scales when I first get up to see where I am to prepare me for my Monday evening weigh-ins. I have eliminated the every day scale hopping. It was pretty weird when I got on, I immediately saw the number from the week previously but in the blink of an eye, it went up two pounds. What do you do then? You get off and get back on ... right? Well I did that (a couple of times) and the number remained at the higher weight. The most defeating picture that kept replaying in my mind was that I was no longer in the '70's decade. That was the crushing thing ... but like I started this entry, I went along with normalcy. I was going to have acceptance for whatever happened on the scales at my meeting. This time, I chose to look at the big picture. The total pounds that I had taken off ... not just one weeks worth. It's important to make that purse out of a sow's ear, to see the rainbow, and whatever other positive thing that comes to mind. I had already said I wasn't giving up and I meant it. I wasn't going to go out at lunch and eat what I wanted just because I knew I had a gain. I let that mentality go a long time away.

I reread my posts from last week and it was full of struggle and doubt. I tried to stay positive but it was hard. I stumbled too many times but while I was slow getting up, I did get up. I have no idea as to what is going on ... but I know I have to get past it. I do too much comparing myself to others. It's easy when you are reading other blogs to wish you had their confidence, their results, their support, their dedication, etc., but it is not about them, it's about me and I need to take the inspiration in and leave the comparison behind. We are all different, we have different body chemistry, we have different body shapes, we have different family genes. Everyone says to be honest in your blogs. It's hard when you see defects or shortcomings in yourself but maybe it is something you should admit so you can face it and move on or do something to change things. I'll admit jealousy is rearing its ugly head. I'm embarrassed about it and it's hard to acknowledge that I'm that vain. I really don't think of myself as that type of person but why does it bother me that I want to be a couple of sizes smaller just because someone else my same weight is, but here I am wearing the same size that I wore when I started. I just need to realize that perhaps that person carries their weight differently ... I want to get the compliments others are getting, and actually to be truthful, I am, but maybe just not by the group of people I want to hear them from. I want loads and loads of support and again what's wrong with the support I'm getting, my support seem to be on a more personal level and I've made some friends with those I have supporting me. I may also need to ask myself an important question .. am I giving it back? It's so true ... it helps to write it out. Don't abandon your blogs, especially if you are struggling. Write a little something every day even if it's only a sentence or two long, especially about what you're feeling. It may bring to light something you need to realize or something that you really need to work on.

I'm sorry but I cried wolf again and I see that it is a negative thing and I need to get away from the negatives, so I will no longer write about my feelings of anxiety of the scale for my Monday weigh-in. For the most part it proves that I am putting the cart in front of the horse and worrying unnecessarily. I will not make predictions. I will wait to have solid concrete evidence. Last night I didn't lose but I didn't gain and I'm still in the '70's, so I'll take what I learned from that and turn it into something positive.

That's All I've Got

If we could have do-over's, I'd certainly be changing some things from over the weekend. I know that I will pay for them as I look back. A loss isn't guaranteed by Zumba, a charity walk or hitting the gym doing the week. I'm thinking what goes in your mouth dominates.

It absolutely boggles my mind how I can turn away from things that always has been such a strong temptation in the past like hot rolls and butter and desserts but yet collapse over a tub of movie popcorn or because I wanted soup one night and didn't get it ... that I choose it the next two nights along with my meal.

I didn't think I was that far off plan, but like I said, going over things I can see why I will have no excuse for what I am facing. Since there are NO do-overs, all I can do is accept and continue. If I've learned anything ... it's that I've got a long ways to go.

Anything Is Worth A Try

A couple of years ago right after the decline in the economy, the company I work for was no different than any other company in that they were trimming their budget. They suggested a voluntary hour reduction among the staff to help save jobs. One of the positions that were up for elimination was the person I supervise, so I had a personal interest. I could only afford to reduce my pay by four hours a week and I thought once I went to the trouble of getting up, getting ready and making it to the office, I might as well stay there. In my opinion, only working a half day would be such a waste, but I decided to give it a go. So many times we think things won’t work or we won’t like something, so we don’t even try. I’m glad I tried. I love my Friday afternoons off. I can’t believe what I can accomplish in those four hours if I try and it ends up giving me a little more leisure time for the weekend if I need it. It took a little adjustment but it’s worth it. Just like this change in lifestyle I’m walking through now with my weight.

I did another walk-in class at Zumba yesterday. I’m still lost at some of the steps with the unfamiliar music selections but I’m still moving and still sweating so I know it’s beneficial. It was a bit different yesterday though. About half way through the class, I felt very light headed, and a little dizzy. I didn’t know what to do. My first thought was to quit and I turned around and walked away. Then something in me wouldn’t let me do that. I got a drink of water and went back. I don’t know if that was wise or not. I continued but at times had to stop and take a minute or two until the sensation passed. I was fine after class. I guess I need to ask my Zumba Officiato if I need to eat some protein or carbs or whatever … right before the class. I had a good lunch with protein and veggies but maybe I needed more or maybe I needed more water???

Last night we went to a high school football and since we went there immediately after my class we didn’t eat dinner until very late. Is that really a bad thing or is it an old wives tale. I tried to stay up for a little while before going to bed but all I did was sit in a chair until I made my way upstairs. I just wasn’t into doing jumping jacks or sit-ups at 10:00, but maybe I should have. A guy in the stands next to us had on an interesting T-Shirt. The message was something to think about.

I've Got A Couple of Questions

Earlier in the week when I had my meltdown, Stephanie got me thinking about a lot of things. Some were questions I had to answer to keep myself on this journey and others just bought to mind some things that have happened over the years.

She talked about when she went to TOPS with me when she was in 8th grade and how she wouldn't eat lunch on Mondays because that was weigh-in day. Where did she get that kind of thinking ... from me of course. That was my method and who did I learn that from ... would you believe, my mother, maybe? Right before I joined TOPS when I was first married, my mother was successful with her weight loss, so why not do what she did, huh? I remember with my mom, we would weigh in and since we had about 45 minutes before the meeting started, we would go to a cafeteria that was close-by for dinner, which on more occasions than none, including a piece of pie or some kind of dessert. That as Stephanie put it, seems so "ridiculous" now, but back then it was just the way it was and maybe it even worked. Guess I never really thought about ... if I just ate the same kind of meals and that plural meals on Monday that week after week the end result would be the same if I was consistent with the rest of the week, it really wouldn't have any bearing on the overall picture ... I would only be kidding myself if I fasted because I ate half a pizza the night before. That half a pizza is eventually going to show up. The same with gripping about my weigh-ins being on Monday. Does the day really make any difference? No matter where you start, it's always seven days apart. Yes, I normally eat more on the weekend because of group activities but because of what I choose to do earlier in the week with maybe more exercise on the weekend, it should balance out ... right? Guess I've learned over the years there might be a better way because I now have both breakfast and lunch on Monday. I still eat out after I weigh in at TOPS, but it's after the meeting with some other members and part of the reason is because I come straight from work and our meeting isn't over until 7:30 p.m. and I still have a 30-40 drive from there. I figure I still have to learn to eat in a social setting and I always eat the way I would if it were any other day of the week.

So ... I'm just wondering if anyone reading this gives themselves an "off" day ... perhaps the day after their weekly weigh-in. Be honest? If it works into your plan, it works into your plan. I'm also wondering if you have any consistency in meals during the week like Monday is meatloaf night, Tuesday is Tuna Casserole night, etc. I find myself now taking my lunch and it consisting of a "Smart Ones" frozen dinner. It's easy, convenient and I'm satisfied knowing I only have to wait a few hours until I'll have something delish for dinner. When I find myself wanting to wander out for lunch, though, I know it's time to switch to leftovers, or a sandwich. We always have to be in touch with ourselves, right?

Have a great weekend!

One of Those Days

Yesterday was a normal day and I think we all could use more of those. I got up at the same time and went through the same routine until I got to the office. Things continue to be slow at work which makes for a long day.

I didn't waver from my plans to have the lunch I intended. I did do something a little different after I ate though and that was to head to the mall and do a little walking. I would have taken my walk outdoors but it was a little nippy and I didn't wear a coat to work, thinking I wouldn't need one. The mall is only a block away and I thought I could walk that distance without much discomfort. I hate being cold.

On the drive home from work, I thought about going to the gym but got too comfortable in front of the TV once I got home. Gary had made chili and it smelled wonderful as I walked in the door but it was a little too early for dinner. I think it's good practice for me to not pounce on food just cause it's there. I felt I overindulged with two bowls since I have been keeping my portions to one but it still worked into my plan as I had a "Smart Ones" for lunch keeping the points down. I also had an ice cream bar after dinner. It wasn't my usual one point fudgie as Gary had grabbed the wrong package while he was at the grocery. I guess I felt two more points wasn't awful, so I ate it anyway. I found though after eating it, I really wanted another one. I refrained but did end up picking up three dark chocolate kisses as I passed the candy dish later.

I fell asleep while Survivor was on and woke up a couple of hours later. I really felt like I was drugged. Was is the lack of activity, the extra bowl of chili, the chocolate, just having a lazy evening? I don't know ... I'll just chalk it up one of those days when you win some and you lose some. It wasn't all that bad ... it could have been better and tomorrow is a brand new day.

Something that did put a smile on my face (and we need more of those) was something that a fellow blogger (and now friend) put on her blog. It's 45 lessons you can learn. Check it out at on Bernice's Final Destination Healthy site

Tomorow Can Always Be A Better Day

I can't thank all of you enough for your comments yesterday. It was exactly what I needed to re-evaluate and to ask myself questions that would move me forward. Sometimes you just feel stuck and having someone extend a hand and walk you out of that rut is a true blessing. Very few times in the past have I received that kind of help, mainly because I haven't asked for it. I have always tried to figure things out for myself. That's what makes blogging so beneficial.

I guess I was just a little weary and needed to be propped up. As you probably well know it's usually not one thing but a combination of things that get you off track. I had several disappointments last week with which I didn't deal well and again it all goes back to a frame of mind. Sometimes things turn out okay but just not the way you envisioned and it makes you wonder if you're doing it right ... whatever "right" is? Then, when I thought I could get away from it all and have fun I was constantly bugged that I still had to weigh in and I HAD to have that loss because it was awards night and I had to deserve any award that I might get. If I had done what my heart felt instead of my head, I would have skipped my meeting, not weighed in on the "official" scales just like being away on vacation. I put entirely too much pressure on myself and was acting out of obligation. Stephanie asked me a hard question ... do I benefit from going to TOPS (this is a group like WW that meets weekly. It's non-profit and they don't provide a diet, it's mainly a support group)? I took a hard long look at that and decided that it really hurt me Monday and if I didn't blog and tried to figure it out on my own in the frame of mind I was in, I may have just started a downward spiral. Thankfully, I have additional support someplace other than my TOPS chapter and today is a much better day. I do think I benefit from my weekly meetings but I need to continue to look at it to see if I really do or if I just enjoy the social part of it. I know many of you go to meetings and use that for your "moment of truth" but maybe it would be better to pick a day and time to step on the scale that is better suited for you.

I did well yesterday and did all that I had planned to do. I made the comment to Stephanie that I felt I was slipping, even though all things indicate I'm not, continuous losses, pretty much in control of my eating, exercising more. I'm still fighting the battle in my head and am afraid that I'm obsessing about it, especially after being so pre-occupied on Sunday and Monday. Sean Anderson said something about this subject and I guess I have a ways to go. He said "when someone is constantly consumed with vocalizing their changes and choices, it can be a sign of uncertainty within them---Don't be uncertain---Feel that confidence within you and realize, that this is the time---Different from all the others...This is the last time we lose this weight. Feels incredible doesn't it?"

Today I feel pretty incredible and I'm just living life.

Overwhelmed

Yesterday was very hard for me. Looking back, for the last couple of weeks my head and heart have not been aligned. In past attempts when I have been successful temporarily there was a point where I was in a groove and my momentum carried me on at an acceptable pace. Seven years ago, during my most successful dieting phase ... a point where I was less than ten pounds from goal, I remember saying it wasn't all that tough. In fact, the whole dieting scene was pretty simple if you just followed the plan and I couldn't understand why "anyone" couldn't lose weight. It was a "reformers" mentality. It certainly wasn't ... you can't understand anything until you go through it and each journey is personal.

Why am I at the point where I'm just so tired of it all? Even though I've seen pound by pound drop from my body pretty consistently, it seems like it's a constant battle and it has really worn me down. Yesterday I was totally preoccupied with what was going to happen at the scale. I can honestly say that it ruined not only my day but Gary's. Looking back, I certainly did not think it out when I chose to take Monday (my weigh-in day at TOPS) as a personal day. All I was thinking was that it would extend my weekend. I didn't even consider that something I did several hours before I weighed might have bearing if I lost or I didn't. Even to the point of drinking a diet coke that couldn't be eliminated before I stepped on the scale. I just had to think about too many restrictions and what the outcome would be, instead of enjoying myself. One of the things we had planned to do on our "fun" day was visit some wineries. But I had to be selective and even nix any visits after 2:00. I guess I didn't. I didn't HAVE to taste any wine but that's what we were doing. I couldn't eat the majority of my points at lunch even if I had them available for something special that I couldn't eat anywhere else for the fear the meal would weigh heavy a few hours later.

Did I consider not going to my meeting and weighing in? Couldn't ... last night was our monthly awards and I had a pretty good idea I was the best loser for September. So many times in the past I remember how I felt when I was given some honor and I had slipped between when the accomplishment was achieved and the honor bestowed. Yeah, I earned and deserved what I had done, but I also didn't feel all that deserving that night because I didn't continue what I had started and felt like I fell on my face.

The pressure has just become too much and I know I'm putting it all on myself ... I don't want to give up but it just seems to be getting to me. What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard? Is this normal? I did have a loss last night. I lost another pound and I was honored with being September's best loser. I couldn't even celebrate either of those and I don't know why.







Best Loser in August
with 7.5 #'s lost

Uncomfortable Feeling

I took today as another personal day. We left yesterday after church for Southern Indiana. I will be weighing tonight but I will be going in blind as I'll have no scales available to step on before my meeting.. I usually have an idea where I am and for weeks it seems like it has been too close to call but at least I had some idea and would hope for the best or gripe about the Joker. Why does tonight make any difference. Maybe it has something to do with preparing myself for somthing I don't want to see. Maybe it has to do with how much or how little effort I put forth to push through to see the scale read in my favor. I wasn't going to eat breakfast to help me from packing any extra ounces and what will I do about lunch? This is suppose to be a fun and relaxing day not a day of second guessing and stress. There is always tomorrow to start off and play catch up. I've done it before and was right back on course. Things come up and you still have to live your life and be happy. I'm still hoping to see anything but a gain tonight but for now it's time to enjoy and not make life more complicated.

Love the Weekends

I'm like so many others that I live for the weekend, but they always seem to be busy. But I do better when I have planned activities. This weekend is one of the active times. Yesterday morning we were off and running early straightening up the house and a run to the store getting things for a class gathering we had last night. Then early afternoon we were off to the zoo for their "Zoo-Boo" event. Here's a pic of me with Jacob and Gracie in their costumes. The zoo had cool things for the kids to do including pumpkin bowling and getting treats at various sections of the zoo.



On the way home from the zoo, we stopped at a great pizza place that has an awesome spinach salad for an early dinner. I hadn't planned on having any pizza but couldn't resist and cut one of the slices in half and was able to stopped at that. We only had about 90 minutes before our guests were to arrive when we got home and started last minute prep and changing clothles.

I'm very involved with my high school class and always trying to find opportunities of bringing our class together. We usually have a summer picnic but this year we opted just to have a gathering at our house. The turnout wasn't that great but it was a fun time anyway reminiscing about the "Good Ole' Days". I didn't go overboard with food like I normally do with loads of stuff left over that we end up eating. Some people brought dessert and I made sure that those slices of pumpkin pie and apple crisp went home with someone else. My only indulgence during the evening was 1/2 glass of wine and a handful of nuts. I considered myself successful in a party atmosphere.

I might note that I am wearing the brown slacks that I pulled out a few weeks ago and were able to get over my thighs and hips but weren't quite there buttoning. Last night, they were tight around the waist but comfortable enough to wear all evening and the button didn't pop.

Movin' On

Things are better. Got my act together and my head back in the game. Because of it being the weekend, and I'm taking Monday off and we have made some plans, helps too. Thinking back about my wandering off the path with my high calorie lunch on Thursday, I should admit that I had been thinking for a couple of weeks about visiting that particular place. I should have planned for it, gotten it out of the way ... over and done with and I may not have been so frustrated and started the litany of questions and the seed of fear. But it's now history and maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I worked out more this week than I have since I started blogging. The scale this morning? Nope, it didn't move ... so since it never moved up, I'm happy.

Looks like Zumba is back on again at work ... but I'm taking a pass. It may cost an additional five bucks for the session because of the low turnout and the new instructor they found is a guy. Neither of those is a reason I'm not participating. I took a class at our community center last night and will continue to do that. I actually liked it better. I don't know why. Maybe because the class was bigger. Maybe there was more and faster footwork. Maybe because I was drenched with sweat at the end. I was really surrpised that absolutely NONE of the music was familiar. My only mistake last night was that I didn't stand right behind the instructor to watch the moves. Lesson learned. The cost is also about half of the cost of what I was paying. There is only one more class in the session, so maybe I'll sign up for one class that always fills up and also drop into the Friday class that has less participation. I can do both for about the same cost I was paying for one class at work.

All's well in my world. I hope it is in yours too!

The Reins Are In My Hands

Back in July Gary and I vacationed in Door County, Wisconsin. One of the activities we participated in was horseback riding. I hadn't been on a horse in probably 30 years but I enjoyed it and I think it was good exercise. Goldilocks was my horse. She was an older sturdy horse and we had no problems together but a young girl behind me was on a horse that kept wanting to wander off the path and into the woods to graze on grass. There wasn't any on the path. The teenager was getting frustrated and yelled at the guide for help to get the horse back on the path.

I don't know what brought it on but my morning wasn't the best. I had the same kind of day last week. Just before I went to lunch, I even went to the blogs to see if the ones I followed had any updates to get me past "my mood". No updates since those that I read before I left for work this morning. I even went back and read mine. The sentence that said "I didn't cave". I read it over and over and over but still ended up at ... Stephanie can guess. A place where I consumed at least 22 points. Am I upset, you bet ... what can I do about it? I started by going to the gym and exercising off 400 calories. Gary was planning on fixing another great dinner but knew I wouldn't eat much of it, so after the gym he ordered a small pizza. I had the smallest piece and started writing. I'm not faced with the emotions of beating myself up or giving up or anything like that. I know what's done is done and it's always one step at a time but I'm bothered about this once a week test and why I didn't get a passing grade this time.

Back to the horse. The guide and even some of the other riders told the young girl to pull on the reins. they called out ... make the horse head back by tugging on the reins on the side closest to the path. The rider was getting scared because the horse wasn't cooperating but the guide just kept saying pull on the reins and talk to the horse with a stern voice and finally she got back on the trail. The guide never got off her horse to bring the teen and her horse back, she knew the rider could do it herself. She needed to do it herself. I don't think the young rider had as much fun as the rest of us and I sure hope it doesn't prevent her from riding again.

So, what's my point. I don't know. I know I just had to write something and I thought it would help expressing my frustration not with myself but the situation I put myself in ... or maybe that is the same thing as being frustrated with myself. A little confusion going on here. I'm very emotional and while listening to my IPOD while exercising "I am Woman" came on and hit me in the face, especially the lines ...

"You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul.

The body plateaus sometimes where it doesn't listen no matter what you do, does the brain do the same thing? A good night's sleep will help. Tomorrow being Friday will help.

Trying to Figure It Out

Yesterday went pretty well. I conveniently forgot to bring anything for lunch and I had already used my back-up plan earlier in the week and hadn't replaced it, so I headed to the mall and Subway for lunch. I thought that would be my best option. It seems like here lately that I have been eating lunch out on the average of once a week and still doing okay.

Gary tried a new recipe for dinner and it was really, really, REAlLY good. It was a salsbury steak, and the sauce was wonderful. He made it with lean ground beef. It could have fewer calories if made with ground turkey or ground sirloin. As always, I kept my portion small and ate off a salad plate to trick my brain because my plate looked pretty covered. I was fine with my portion and satisfied. HOWEVER, while watching TV, I kept thinking how good dinner was and my head was filled with thoughts of what else is there to eat. Could it be time for a snack? I wondered why? When you have something satisfying is there some brain mechanism or chemical that makes you want to continue to eat that is different when you eat something that's not all that great but filling? As time passed, the sensation wasn't as strong and I didn't cave.

My only disappointment yesterday wasn't that I didn't walk. I intended to when I got home but got distracted and before I knew it the window of opportunity was gone because it was getting dark. That's one downside of this beautiful autumn season. I'm having second thoughts about that goal ranging I wrote about. It's too easy to go for the low side. It's almost as bad as giving up when you don't reach the ultimate goal.

Until the next time, choose wisely and go for the gold.