Yesterday, I carried on like any normal day. The exception is on Monday I always get on the scales when I first get up to see where I am to prepare me for my Monday evening weigh-ins. I have eliminated the every day scale hopping. It was pretty weird when I got on, I immediately saw the number from the week previously but in the blink of an eye, it went up two pounds. What do you do then? You get off and get back on ... right? Well I did that (a couple of times) and the number remained at the higher weight. The most defeating picture that kept replaying in my mind was that I was no longer in the '70's decade. That was the crushing thing ... but like I started this entry, I went along with normalcy. I was going to have acceptance for whatever happened on the scales at my meeting. This time, I chose to look at the big picture. The total pounds that I had taken off ... not just one weeks worth. It's important to make that purse out of a sow's ear, to see the rainbow, and whatever other positive thing that comes to mind. I had already said I wasn't giving up and I meant it. I wasn't going to go out at lunch and eat what I wanted just because I knew I had a gain. I let that mentality go a long time away.
I reread my posts from last week and it was full of struggle and doubt. I tried to stay positive but it was hard. I stumbled too many times but while I was slow getting up, I did get up. I have no idea as to what is going on ... but I know I have to get past it. I do too much comparing myself to others. It's easy when you are reading other blogs to wish you had their confidence, their results, their support, their dedication, etc., but it is not about them, it's about me and I need to take the inspiration in and leave the comparison behind. We are all different, we have different body chemistry, we have different body shapes, we have different family genes. Everyone says to be honest in your blogs. It's hard when you see defects or shortcomings in yourself but maybe it is something you should admit so you can face it and move on or do something to change things. I'll admit jealousy is rearing its ugly head. I'm embarrassed about it and it's hard to acknowledge that I'm that vain. I really don't think of myself as that type of person but why does it bother me that I want to be a couple of sizes smaller just because someone else my same weight is, but here I am wearing the same size that I wore when I started. I just need to realize that perhaps that person carries their weight differently ... I want to get the compliments others are getting, and actually to be truthful, I am, but maybe just not by the group of people I want to hear them from. I want loads and loads of support and again what's wrong with the support I'm getting, my support seem to be on a more personal level and I've made some friends with those I have supporting me. I may also need to ask myself an important question .. am I giving it back? It's so true ... it helps to write it out. Don't abandon your blogs, especially if you are struggling. Write a little something every day even if it's only a sentence or two long, especially about what you're feeling. It may bring to light something you need to realize or something that you really need to work on.I'm sorry but I cried wolf again and I see that it is a negative thing and I need to get away from the negatives, so I will no longer write about my feelings of anxiety of the scale for my Monday weigh-in. For the most part it proves that I am putting the cart in front of the horse and worrying unnecessarily. I will not make predictions. I will wait to have solid concrete evidence. Last night I didn't lose but I didn't gain and I'm still in the '70's, so I'll take what I learned from that and turn it into something positive.