I have this thing for a good hot dog. I especially like the ones that snap when you bite into them, but can't seem to find any here in Indy. On my way to work this week, I notice a place called "American Hot Dog Company" was now open. I talked to Gary about it and we decided to go there for lunch yesterday since I get off at noon on Fridays. I knew I could work it into my plan. When we got there, we found out that it was just a drive thru place and not what I envisioned and we decided not to have lunch there. There was a place close by that we had never eaten before and I suggested it. It was just a mom and pop type restaurant with the typical fare of sandwiches, salads, fries, etc., I immediately gravitated to the grilled pork tenderloin. I had one a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty good. What did I order? Breaded Tenderloin, fries and cole slaw. I couldn't believe that came out of my mouth ... but it didn't stop me from eating it. What was going on? Was I disappointed I didn't get the hot dog I had been thinking about all week, so I was out to ... I don't know ... get some kind of satisfaction? Was I binging? I had been reading so many blogs about that lately. I came home and did a couple of things around the house. I really needed to pick up some things at Target but I was really procrastinating. Hmmmm, I thought maybe if I went shopping and tried some things on to see the new me, I might perk up. I mentioned it to Gary. He said give me 30 minutes, I'm going to lie down for a while. What did that mean, was he going to go with me? Did he want me to wait until I went by myself. We actually do enjoy spending time together and my mood wasn't that great ... so I just sat. It was getting closer and closer to 5:45. That's the time the Zumba class starts at the rec center. Was I going ??? naw, I wasn't ... but I've been going when we didn't have anything to do ... I'd better go ... but I said something about going shopping. Gary had been downstairs now for awhile but I was just sitting. In tears, I finally said did you want to go shopping with me .... my emotions let go. I should have gone to Zumba, why am I in this destructive zone? I wasn't in the mood to shop, but maybe if I went ... my mood would improve. We headed out and I roamed around a couple of department stores in a fog. Maybe I was waiting for Stacey and Clinton to jump out and say "Try This On". Finally I said something to Gary and he said I'm Not Saying Anything ... but then did start looking at things on the racks and picked out something for me to try on. It was a pant suit that had a jacket that was belted. It would show a defined waist. Something that I was looking for to show there was a change in my body. The thing is there wasn't anything smaller than a 16 (the size I have been wearing since I started this journey). Surely after 30 pounds I am a smaller size. I tried it on. It fit ... all this effort and I'm still wearing the same size. Yes, the waist, hips and thighs were loose, but a smaller size and it would have been too tight. It looked nice and Gary bought it for me for the birthday which is next week. Is that's what's bothering me or is it just a combination of crummy attitude.
I got up this morning and did a stupid thing. I got on the scale and it was up 2#'s. I don't usually weigh on a Saturday because we have rice on Friday and I know that tends to make me hold water but there was something in me that made me think damage had been done and I wanted to see how much ... that's really crazy because I had been doing great all week but you know how the mind works. Maybe it was a good thing after all as I decided I was going to head to the rec center. There was a Zumba class at 9:00. I hoped it wouldn't be full and they told me it wasn't, so I paid my $5 walk in fee. The class was packed. The class had many people my age and while I sweated and felt I had a good workout, I think this must have been a beginner's class because it wasn't as intense. I'm glad I went and the clouds are lifting. I have two parties today and we have our first Thanksgiving dinner to celebrate tomorrow and I am not going to throw in the towel. I can't ... I just can't.