Wednesday, June 30, 2010


What's the deal with extras in food orders? Have I not realized this before or just crammed it in because it was there. My boss is very generous and insists when he has me go out and get his lunch that I also get something for myself. It sure beats the can of soup or frozen meal that I was planning on having at my desk.

This happened again yesterday. I was headed to Paradise Cafe and I had it worked into my plan to get myself soup and 1/2 sandwich. They always include cookies with all sandwiches (the extra) and George told me long ago never to give him the cookie when I came back with his lunch. Today, not only did I have two cookies but the server gave me three more because of my wait. Good thing I've got five grandchildren at my house.

But it didn't stop there. July 3 is George's birthday and I have always been responsible in putting something together for him from the staff. His favorite cookie is Peanut Butter, so Tuesday night I stopped and got two dozen P-Nut Butter Cookies. Tuesday, I had sent out an email about staff signing his b-day card and donating a quarter or two for the cookies. Yesterday when I gathered everything from the front desk where the card and change envelope were, I found that employees had been very generous and I had much more money than I expected. I decided instead of him ending up with four dozen cookies, to get him a book along with one dozen cookies and keep the other dozen to bring home. Oh, those cookies smelled good.

The family went to Texas Road House for dinner last night and I refrained from the rolls (a restaurant extra). I had the smothered chicken which was still in my plan and I felt I had a good day. When we got home I announced I had dessert and had the grandkids choose first whether they wanted a chocolate chip or p-nut butter cookie. No surprise they all choose chocolate chip. Some of the bigger kids had a cookie too but I was using my will power. But, as P-Nut Butter is also my favorite cookie and I don't get one very often after all the kids were in bed, it was just too much for me to hold back. Guess I'm not far enough into my program, so I indulged. I didn't feel bad about it and I was satisfied with just the one. It was over and done and gave me no reason to go off the deep end. I'm back on track and will adjust for the small discretion.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Things usually work out

It helped yesterday taking a walk to pick up lunch. Walking always seems to clear my mind and I do some of my best thinking then, as well. It is also a good escape rather than digging into some decatant dessert or fat laden snack. I weighed in at TOPS with a three pound loss and was very happy and very proud that I did so well my first week in. I hope the chapter had a good night too. I didn't stick around, as I had a date with my family at Johnny Carino's. Dinner was ordered before I got there. It was discount platter night and we were having three different ones. Chicken Parm; Spaghetti and Meatballs and Grilled Lemon Chicken. I had a caesar salad and the grilled chicken and felt very satisfied. We came home and had some time together before Stephanie had to get the kids home and to bed so they'd be ready for another day at camp.

I remembered today not to leave any question unanswered. I asked Gary this morning if he had talked to Kim about going to Chicago's for lunch and he said he hadn't and would let me know. No call, so at 11:00 I called him to see what was up ... no more assuming. I've learned that it makes an ASS U ME. I got there right after the Summers minus one got there. I started out with a salad and probably got carried away having 3 slices of pizza but I could have been worse and the slices was on the small side, so maybe I was okay if I ate sensibly at dinner.

I announced I was cooking tonight and decided on pork chops. Everyone seem to enjoy dinner, especially the kids which made Grammie feel good. I posted on Facebook this morning that it was going to be a wonderful day with sunshine. The sunshine was in my heart and it continues to shine well into the night.

Monday, June 28, 2010


The amusement park of life is still open and I'm riding the roller coaster. Yesterday I was on top of one of the mammoth hills, but by late morning I find myself going down a steep grade. I'm equipped this time just to close my eyes and take deep breaths until it's time to exit the ride. My plan this week was to take extended lunch hours and meet up with everyone to give me a little more family time since I'm stuck in this current work environment. I need to rework the last part of that sentence because a change of attitude about work is needed for me to truly get in touch with my emotions.

This blog is mainly about dealing with emotions to help with weight loss goals. I had to use what I'd learned about getting in touch with my feelings and questioning them. As I stated above, I thought we were going to meet up for lunch but with a misinterpreted email, I found No Lunch and had the feeling of abandonment. The one emotion I find that I struggle most with and one that goes back to childhood. It was almost 11:30 when Gary called and said "I guess you're not meeting us for lunch". With a lump in my throat, I said I didn't think you were going to lunch. I felt that emptiness but knew I had to question what I was feeling and contradict the voices in my head with what I knew was true. I hadn't even brought anything from home for lunch because I thought I would be eating out. Fortunately George had ask me to go to Palomino and get him and I a salad. However, they always stick that wonderful yummy warm bread and relish in there too and oh was I tempted. Didn't I need something to help me feel better ... the so called "comfort food", but no, this time it had to be different. No question, I need to improve how I feel, but I also want to be in a good mood not just now but tonight and tomorrow and next week and I knew what that bread and relish would lead to. I told myself that it was all a misunderstanding and that my family loves me and I was going to have some wonderful, special time together at dinner after I left my TOPS weigh-in. I'm okay. I didn't need food to make me feel better, I had my family.


I had an absolute perfect weekend ... can anything be perfect? Well, maybe not but it was great. Normally on Monday morning I reflect on what I had accomplished and usually have this feeling of disappointment and throwing away valuable time. Not this weekend. Sure weekends are for leisure and relaxation after working all week, but they're also to catch up on things that need to be done away from work. I had a few things on my "to do" list and all were accomplished. I got some exercise in on Saturday. I planned ahead on my meals so there would be less of that mindless eating or frustration on what to eat and the most important event of the weekend ... I had my entire family together. Erick and his family arrived from Maryland and timing was perfect when Stephanie and her family pulled into the drive-way right behind them. We all visited for awhile before I started dinner. I had taco fixins' using extra lean ground beef. Some of the crew had tacos and some of us, including myself, had taco salad to be on the lite side. We had good conversation going on at the table and I was in heaven.

When I got on the scale this morning, I was elated that I was down a little bit more but TOPS scales tonight are the official scales. I'm sure I'll hear a clunk as I'm confident I've lost, just not knowing how much. I know it's only been one week with my newest challenge but I'm ready for week two. Stephanie's blog is so inspirational. The only thing is ... I want to read more. I'll just chalk that up to helping to achieve that patient side of me that I have so much trouble with.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Check it Off

Goals are important. But I've decided that long term goals are less effective than short terms one. I guess that's why they say to break your goals down into segments. I would really like to achieve my weight loss goal at my birthday in November, but I'm not putting that in writing or even attempting to achieve it by then. I'm afraid if I start crunching the numbers and see that I have to be at a certain weight by the end of next month and I'm four pounds short, it will sabatoge me. For me long term goals are distracting and for now I will only focus on a goal that can be completed in a span of 24 hours. As I left work on yesterday and ready to start my weekend, there were some thing that I wanted to accomplish when I got home, i.e. goals. I took care of two but didn't quite accomplish the third, so it went back on my list for today. I felt good that I had about a 90% success rate and confident that I would finish what I started yesterday but if I didn't, I'd still be ahead of the game and have another day to finish the task.

This morning, I added walking to my goal list. They say goals are suppose to be specific, but for me it was just to get out and walk. I could have said at 9:00 a.m., I am going to set out and walk. What would happen if something prevented me from going out at 9:00, would it allow that gremlin in my emotional pschye to say you didn't make it ... sorry, it's a done deal. The fact is that I walked twice, which was really more than I anticipated by going out once in the morning and once in the evening. Today was a good day and I accomplished more than I set out to do.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Adjusting the Sails

I read a quote yesterday that I kinda liked. "Is the glass half empty, half full or as twice as large as it needs to be?" It's a common rule that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. But that's math not life. Just because you set a goal, doesn't mean that it's going to be accomplished in your original time frame. There are circumstances that may aid or hider you. More often than not when I've set out to do something, I'm faced with a situation that wasn't in the game plan. They say it's important to define goals but I find that's it's also important to rework those goals when you face a roadblock.

Yesterday I thought quite a bit about our budget and finding some way that we could still take that July vacation. I'm sure Gary learned about readjusting the sails in his training and I needed to learn that too instead of pulling out the anchor and preventing myself from going anywhere. I came to terms with the negative emotions I was feeling enough to understand what I needed to do instead of being paralyzed by them as I have so often done in the past.

Patience can sometimes solve problems or at least make you realize they're not always these huge obstacles that put a stop to your dreams. Just like looking at objects from a distance and they appearing to look smaller, it can be the same with those situations we face. I need to remember to give myself some time and not jump to the first conclusion. There may be another way to achieve that goal. If you want something bad enough, you find a way. Also, like the quote said ... maybe the glass can be a little smaller and you still get what you want.

I figured that we can cut the cost of a vacation in half by doing a camping vacation. It has been years since we had this type of adventure. I talked to Gary last night and he wasn't very receptive but seemed to have a change of heart later in the evening. We are going to plan this together and I am going to pull out our album from our Connecticut camping trip to remind him of the fun we had.

Fortunately, through the last couple of days, I've been able to control my eating and not let excuses invade my ability to see the scales do a nose dive on Monday. I now have something to steer me full steam ahead, my emotions are back in check. Today is payday and our budget is a little more healthy, vacations plans are back on track and I just heard from Gary that the blood tests came back with everything in the normal range, so no worries ... well, unless I let them in and if they do creep in, I can look at them for what they are and adjust the sails.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Fear Creeping In

Good News and Bad News to report this morning. I finally got on the scales and they went down WAY down ... well for me anyway. If I count by five's of the lines on the scale I just passed one ... no it doesn't mean 5#'s lost but it went past that mark on the scale and I'm going to look at that as a milestone. It's not as big as going into the next sets of numbers but I'm sure I'll see that soon if I continue the effort I've shown the past couple of days. I've got to keep reminding myself that I've just started. You're always excited once you start something, especially if there was apprehension and procrastination involved. But it's keeping the motivation that is key to continuing this journey.

The Bad News which I guess wasn't as bad as I initially felt and after I had some time to rationalize and rework it. Anyway, last night I was determined not to sit on my butt when I got home from work like I tend to do. I had a mountain of receipts to log into my Money program and see where the budget stood. Well, it turns out it didn't stand at all, it collapsed. I spent way more than I remembered or should have. The weekend in Put in Bay didn't help and I was robbing Peter to pay Paul with some of the accounts.

When I had finished allocating, I felt drained and depressed. I'm used to living a certain lifestyle. I deserve it. I work for it. I know that we're very blessed and I am appreciative of all that we have but I guess things need to change. The belt needs a little tightening. Funny that can be taken in a couple of contexts, but it worth working on and adjusting. At 8:45, I told Gary I was going to bed. I needed to escape from it all. I was pretty down. I was surprised that I choose bed over ice cream, cashews, cookies and whatever else was in the kitchen.

This morning after the good news on the scales which helped my mood, I started thinking of the one concern I had about not being able to take the vacation we were thinking about in July. Although no plans has been set, I had the date picked and I was spending a lot of time exploring different possibilities from a few days in Wisconsin to looking at discounts on cruises. All I knew was that I wanted that vacation. One of my main joys is not working and being able to travel. We have been pretty much able to do that, although not extravagantly, and I wanted that to continue. The fear was creeping in again. I could feel the vulnerability and wanting to feel better with some sort of pastry. I've read there are really only two emotions Love and Fear. All other feelings are byproducts of those two. I was feeling anger, frustration and loss ... but it all came from fear. Fear that I wasn't able to achieve a goal.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Yesterday I was just a little off. If I had to take back anything, it would be the handful of cashews I ate after dinner. We had sort of a low-cal dinner, smoked sausage and green beans and my points prior to dinner were about 9. But, I wasn't satisfied and that's why the cashews. They were out on the counter for me to see and that was a mistake. Later, Gary came in with an apple and reminded me that's what I should of snacked on initially. I've got to get more fruits and veggie's available for moments like those. I did eat an apple and it was pretty tasty and I was okay the rest of the evening.

Today I'm stressed out and emotional. I've hung in there with my food choices which really amazes me. Gary had a doctor's appointment this morning because he's still not recovered from the fatigue and exhaustion he suffered on the Niagara. I'm sure everything is okay and it's just going to take awhile, but with health issues my mind runs wild. They did an EKG which came out okay and also did some blood work which the results should be back on Friday. I just thought once he was home, things would be back to normal and a little easier for me to cope and work on my emotion strategy for a newer, happier me ... but I find things aren't normal and I seem to be a mess. I've got to remain positive and do what I need to do and not retreat into a lazy stupor.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Right On

I was right about my weigh-in and having a gain but it wasn't bad as I thought it could be. I gained 1/2#. I started to say "only" 1/2# but I needed to work on my thinking as "only" implies that it's okay and it's not.

We had a speaker after the business part of the meeting. It was our Area Captain, Connie Crane. She did a program on stress and I didn't get too much out of it. Seems like I've heard it all before but I've got to keep my mind open.

I was right on with my points yesterday and felt very proud of my accomplishment. We went to McAllister's for dinner after the meeting and I was carefully looking over the menu to see what choice I should make when Darlene pointed out the under 500calorie menu. I ended up geting the turkey melt and chef salad. It was very satisfying and I'll remember this the next time I go to McAllister.

Monday, June 21, 2010


The original title of this blog was "New in 2009". It was all a lie. There was nothing new about 2009. It started the same way and ended the same way, as far as weight loss efforts go. The start was gung ho ... nothing can stop me and it ended with another year of fighting the battle but by year end the war continued to rage on.

My last post was this same week last year; and after just weighing myself, I find the number on the scale was the same as well. I will no doubt be weighing in tonight at TOPS with another gain. But when I step off that scale tonight, things will change. In fact, they have already changed and week by week, I am confident I will see more evidence of that change.

I decided to give myself a new start. I am worth the effort. I deleted all entries from the past and wiped the slate clean. My new found motivation has been due to a number of things. The motivation to attempt blogging again came from Stephanie. She now has a blog called. "I'M MY FAVORITE". She writes so well and since I can relate to her entries, I thought I would pick up my blog again. It has always helped to keep a journal and that's when I find I'm the most successful. So this blog will be one of the tools in what I call my "Keep Believing" kit.

Two weeks ago, I hosted a mini-retreat and the theme was "DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR". I wanted to touch on emotional eating and those voices in your head that were at odds and pull you in so many directions. I did a lot of research and pulled theories and ideas from many websites. Our discussions opened up a lot of soul searching and I came away with a different perspective on what emotions were and the way I dealt with them. This material and knowledge also goes into my kit.

I am going to start counting "Weight Watchers Points" again. When I was successful in the past, this was one of the reasons. I designed and printed out a worksheet to help me track ... put it in the kit!

I know that I will be adding items as I make my way on this journey but now I feel that I at least have some direction as I head out ... I'm on my way!