Yesterday was very hard for me. Looking back, for the last couple of weeks my head and heart have not been aligned. In past attempts when I have been successful temporarily there was a point where I was in a groove and my momentum carried me on at an acceptable pace. Seven years ago, during my most successful dieting phase ... a point where I was less than ten pounds from goal, I remember saying it wasn't all that tough. In fact, the whole dieting scene was pretty simple if you just followed the plan and I couldn't understand why "anyone" couldn't lose weight. It was a "reformers" mentality. It certainly wasn't ... you can't understand anything until you go through it and each journey is personal.
Why am I at the point where I'm just so tired of it all? Even though I've seen pound by pound drop from my body pretty consistently, it seems like it's a constant battle and it has really worn me down. Yesterday I was totally preoccupied with what was going to happen at the scale. I can honestly say that it ruined not only my day but Gary's. Looking back, I certainly did not think it out when I chose to take Monday (my weigh-in day at TOPS) as a personal day. All I was thinking was that it would extend my weekend. I didn't even consider that something I did several hours before I weighed might have bearing if I lost or I didn't. Even to the point of drinking a diet coke that couldn't be eliminated before I stepped on the scale. I just had to think about too many restrictions and what the outcome would be, instead of enjoying myself. One of the things we had planned to do on our "fun" day was visit some wineries. But I had to be selective and even nix any visits after 2:00. I guess I didn't. I didn't HAVE to taste any wine but that's what we were doing. I couldn't eat the majority of my points at lunch even if I had them available for something special that I couldn't eat anywhere else for the fear the meal would weigh heavy a few hours later.
Did I consider not going to my meeting and weighing in? Couldn't ... last night was our monthly awards and I had a pretty good idea I was the best loser for September. So many times in the past I remember how I felt when I was given some honor and I had slipped between when the accomplishment was achieved and the honor bestowed. Yeah, I earned and deserved what I had done, but I also didn't feel all that deserving that night because I didn't continue what I had started and felt like I fell on my face.
The pressure has just become too much and I know I'm putting it all on myself ... I don't want to give up but it just seems to be getting to me. What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard? Is this normal? I did have a loss last night. I lost another pound and I was honored with being September's best loser. I couldn't even celebrate either of those and I don't know why.
Best Loser in August
with 7.5 #'s lost