Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Yesterday was very hard for me. Looking back, for the last couple of weeks my head and heart have not been aligned. In past attempts when I have been successful temporarily there was a point where I was in a groove and my momentum carried me on at an acceptable pace. Seven years ago, during my most successful dieting phase ... a point where I was less than ten pounds from goal, I remember saying it wasn't all that tough. In fact, the whole dieting scene was pretty simple if you just followed the plan and I couldn't understand why "anyone" couldn't lose weight. It was a "reformers" mentality. It certainly wasn't ... you can't understand anything until you go through it and each journey is personal.

Why am I at the point where I'm just so tired of it all? Even though I've seen pound by pound drop from my body pretty consistently, it seems like it's a constant battle and it has really worn me down. Yesterday I was totally preoccupied with what was going to happen at the scale. I can honestly say that it ruined not only my day but Gary's. Looking back, I certainly did not think it out when I chose to take Monday (my weigh-in day at TOPS) as a personal day. All I was thinking was that it would extend my weekend. I didn't even consider that something I did several hours before I weighed might have bearing if I lost or I didn't. Even to the point of drinking a diet coke that couldn't be eliminated before I stepped on the scale. I just had to think about too many restrictions and what the outcome would be, instead of enjoying myself. One of the things we had planned to do on our "fun" day was visit some wineries. But I had to be selective and even nix any visits after 2:00. I guess I didn't. I didn't HAVE to taste any wine but that's what we were doing. I couldn't eat the majority of my points at lunch even if I had them available for something special that I couldn't eat anywhere else for the fear the meal would weigh heavy a few hours later.

Did I consider not going to my meeting and weighing in? Couldn't ... last night was our monthly awards and I had a pretty good idea I was the best loser for September. So many times in the past I remember how I felt when I was given some honor and I had slipped between when the accomplishment was achieved and the honor bestowed. Yeah, I earned and deserved what I had done, but I also didn't feel all that deserving that night because I didn't continue what I had started and felt like I fell on my face.

The pressure has just become too much and I know I'm putting it all on myself ... I don't want to give up but it just seems to be getting to me. What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard? Is this normal? I did have a loss last night. I lost another pound and I was honored with being September's best loser. I couldn't even celebrate either of those and I don't know why.

Best Loser in August
with 7.5 #'s lost


I'm My Favorite said...

I was surprised to see a post from you today that seemed to be down. I browsed over your past several weeks of blog posts and you've been so positive on your blog the entire month of September and all of October up until today. I did see that you last "down" blog post were after a gain you had in August. I really think there is more to how you're feeling than just what the scale is saying but I'm not sure what it is? Maybe you could go back and read all your Monday and Tuesday blog posts and see if there is a pattern to your emotions. Are Mondays never a happy day for you? Are you always worried what the scale will say? I've read many of your Tuesday posts that said you were worried you would gain and you lost a pound and you didn't seem excited about it. What's going on there? You lost 7.5 pounds in September. That is incredible. Like you said - you really need to figure out why you are so tired of it all especially coming off such a successful month of weight loss. Are you trying to sabotage yourself? Are you afraid of success? I've been there - it's scary. Maybe you can have a different approach to your Monday weigh-ins. For example, you've said in the past that you won't eat salad on Sunday because it makes you hold water. But what if you made a rule that you always ate a salad on Sunday and that way it would be consistent on the scale. (So that's probably not the best example, but you know what I mean). I remember sitting in the cafeteria in eight grades on Monday’s not eating lunch because I had to weigh in that night and looking back I think that was just ridiculous. There was absolutely no reason for me not to eat. Running to a meeting – sorry if this doesn’t make sense

NAN said...

Aww that is so sad! I am with you on the whole easy to diet thing. IMO it is NOT- I become obsessed with food, get all my cookbooks out, and then usually fail after a couple of weeks or even in some cases DAYS! You have been doing great and I imagine you're thinking "Let's get this done with so I can move on." I have decided I am not going to set a low goal and be perfectly content with a much higher number. I just don't want to see that number go up- NEVER in this lifetime! Your daughter knows you well- listen to her. I applaud that 7.5 pound loss!!!

Tammy said...

It gets hard for everyone girl...sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. It IS a constant battle thinking about food...what to eat, what to restrict (feels like nearly everything!)....I totally get it. I've been blogging for almost a year and a half so I totally get the worn out feeling of it all. I'm just trying to maintain right now til I can get in the groove again. I hope things look brighter for you soon...I really do. :)

Ann (-17 lbs in -60 lb challenge) said...

It is all mental, because you have the mechanics of weight loss down cold.

We all go through this. And it is the pits, isn't it?

Sometimes it is boredom with our routines, or we find ourselves in food-ruts. Sometimes, we start looking at the scale as a dictator of actions, rather than the mere gauge to give us feedback on how we've done recently. There are dozens of reasons to feel tired of it all.

But whatever the reason, you need to come up with a solution to get you around this. You are focusing a lot on the problematic, and need to replace that with something fun and uplifting.

Goodness, you have done so well already, and you've worked too hard NOT to be able to feel celebratory!

The world is full of dieters who give up (I've done that a dozen times before) ... and not one of them reaches goal weight. Only by sticking with it will you get there, and you can do this!!

Will changing your weigh-in day make a difference to you? Or perhaps adding different activities to your week? Maybe follow the scale reading with something really interesting or fun immediately afterwards - so your attention is shifted from the scale-focus-worry to the activity beyond it? Start brainstorming. I think you will come up with the perfect solution.


TinaM said...

Sorry you are feeling this way.
We all have these days, and it's how you deal with it that counts... It will pass.
Don't give up, you are doing great.
Just think of all the good that comes from it-
like wearing those brown pants :)
Try not to worry so much about the scale... I know- easier said than done!

Tessa said...

I also am a member of TOPS and Monday's are our meeting days as well. I had a bad night last night and had a gain when I weighed in. I've learned not to let the scale dictate my life. There are always going to be times where you will have a lose and times when you will have a gain. I was stressed out because we had a big problem in our Chapter and it had to be fixed. Last night was the night to read the riot act and get the group motivated again. So what did I do, I ate like crazy all weekend because I was major stressed and the results of that binging showed on the scale. You are doing good and congrats on the Spetember award. Be kind to yourself and do the things that you want regardless of the effect that it has on the scale. Remember that you have 7 days in a week so a lose cannot be obtained on the last day. You worked hard all week to get that 1 pound lose so give yourself a pat on the back and keep on keeping on. Remember if you always do as you always did you will get what you always got. TOPS Hugs!!!!

Carol said...

Congrats on your loss for the month! I wish I could say I did likewise, but no.... I do agree with you about feeling exhausted with so much focus on food, but I realize it's a never-ending battle and we must keep up the fight. It does get so old, doesn't it? If I had a penny for every second I have thought and/or obsessed about food, I'd be rich!

Anonymous said...

I think Tessa says it best - don't let the scale dictate your life. To think that a diet coke you drank is going to make an ounce[s] worth of difference because you can't expel it before you weigh in has got to be impossible. I can't imagine the pressure that entails. Everyone has to take in liquids and it isn't a true measurement of your weight to ingest one soda or a glass of water and weigh yourself.

It isn't a contest - it is trying to be as healthy as you can be. Tessa is right, leave the scale behind and consider what you are putting in your body regarding health then what "it" is going to weigh two hours later.

Take care and please be well.

Ann (-17 lbs in -60 lb challenge) said...

Tessa, what is TOPS? I've seen a few references to it, but I have no idea what that is. Educate me, please!

Sheilah, I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not, but my word verification said "ahsol" ... what the heck?!! LOL I guess that is better than calling me a phataz.


Bernice said...

Wow! Sheilah, look at all the support you are getting! That's awesome! You must feel so special? It is so nice when you are feeling so down to have so many hands picking you up? You are always there for everyone else! We will carry you through this difficult time. I also am struggling but I will get through this too! I agree with everyone else. You have done a great job! Will everyday be great? Probably not? We are human we make mistakes. We overcome them to reach our ultimate goal. To be healthy! We are not on a time schedule! Enjoy life! It's too short! Love every minute of it! By letting the scale have so much influence on you is the same as letting food have control over us! We're not gonna take it! Anymore!! You are doing great! Don't let the scale rob you of your accomplishments!!