BLUNTLY HONEST

I got up yesterday and looked at the "Preview of Coming Attractions" on my scale.  Umph ... not exactly what I wanted to see, especially after feeling pretty good about my slacks fitting on Sunday and actually having a few other things that "felt" looser this week, as well.  The number I glared at was acceptable, I guess.  It WAS progress from the non-movement the week before.  I concentrated on drinking more water while at the office to help the cause and soon was off to my TOPS meeting and my weekly weigh-in.

I got on the scale but didn't hear that metal piece clunk to the bottom, it was just sitting there suspended in mid-air and our Weight Recorder said "how about a turtle"?  (Translation of Turtle in TOPS language is that you stayed the same weight.)  I cried out "NO", I don't want a turtle, I want a loss!  I was a little less than happy, as I stepped off the scale but I tried to stay positive and just told myself to move forward, and not to replay everything over in my head.

But ... the rumblings continued.  Boy, this has been a lousy month for losing -- I think I lost a whole big whopping pound this month, with even having one more opportunity being there were FIVE Mondays in October.  I finally got somewhat in a gym habit and what did it get me -- a stall.  Okay, I did have an off day but I made sure I worked that off and came in that day on target.  What other thoughts took their place on stage.

We're leaaving for vacation on Friday for a week.  We're staying at a Casino where we'll be getting compted for room and food which means lots of buffets and free drinks.  Was I up for it ... I'm starting to wonder.  I really needed a good loss to carry me into that challenge, but now .... ???

I still have the resolve to keep on the way I have been, but the promise of losing is getting overshadowed.  I know I've been in this position before but it's happening just way too much lately.  I'm fighting it with all I've got to not tell myself just to start over when we get back from our trip.

I have so many more things rolling around in my head but I don't have time to put them to paper.  

DAY OF REST

It may be getting to the point where there really isn't anything to write about.  Really ... ya think.  Could it be that everything is falling into place and from here on, it's smooth sailing.  Or ... maybe I'm getting cocky in my thinking that I know what to do and I'm doing it, so why write about it.  Or ... I'm bored with all of it, the constant being on guard, choosing what I eat instead of impulse decisions, and the smell of wet socks at the gym?

Nope, it isn't that way but there are days when nothing much happens, like yesterday.  I guess it's something like ... no news is good news.  The highlight of yesterday was when my daughter, Stephanie, along with Jacob and Gracie stopped by.  Oh, that and I tried on the green slacks again.  You know the ones I tried on about a month ago and was so pleased that I could get them over my hips and zipped and buttoned.  Was there any change?  Hmmmmm, not sure but I think so.  I think in that post earlier in the month, I got them on but I really had to suck it in to get them zipped and buttoned.  No problem in that area yesterday.  They're still snug around the waist but it was all good and I'm anxious to see what will happen at the progress fitting next time.

Tonight is weigh-in. Wish me luck!

PONDERING

I was up early for a Saturday.  There was a special area meeting for TOPS chapters yesterday morning and since it was being held only about ten minutes from my house, I thought I would attend.  Who knows I thought I might get inspired.  I knew I had to stop at the bank on the way, so I left the house with enough time to let me do that.  When I got to the bank, I thought it was strange that there were no cars in the parking lot.  I found out that not all the branches are open on Saturday.  That meant I'd have to leave the meeting early to make it to the other bank before noon when it closed.  I got to the meeting and no one from my chapter was there.  I was the lone representative and most of the tables were full of groups.  I sat with a group from another chapter and they were busy chatting among themselves.  I felt out of place and started getting impatient when the meeting didn't start on time, mainly because I knew my time was limited.  When it did start and roll was being taken, the chapters were to stand and make themselves heard.  When my chapter was called, I stood and said "just me".  I got a laugh but it was stll awkward.  Awards were given to the various chapters for weight loss, attendance, exercise challenge, etc., and I was worried that our chapter wouldn't be called before I had to leave because it was going very slow.  Not long after that thought entered my head, we were called and I'm able to at least take our certificates and ribbons back to our chapter.  I find that I don't do well when I'm put in a position by myself, I do better with a partner or a group.  It is a support thing.  I'm happy that I have a group of friends on MFP and Blogger where I feel comfortable writing about my struggles and victories.

I got to the bank and came home to pick up Gary to run some other errands and have lunch.  I need to get it out of my head that when having a sandwich at lunch that it needs to be accompanied by something else.  Granted, I have substituted more nutritious things for the fries I used to eat, but I'm still adding calories when I could get by with just a sandwich.  The extra calories in the chili at lunch and soup at dinner made me go over my calories yesterday.  I could have exercised those 400 off but it was just one of those days when it didn't happen.

Other things didn't happen either.  I needed to take advantage and get things done around the house but felt I just sat around thinking about what to do and not getting it done.  I did get a spurt of energy but it was 8:00 by then.  I did get through a ton of paperwork while I was sitting though, so I guess it wasn't a complete lost cause.  We tend to drown in paper.  Receipts, copies of paid bills, advertisements, magazines, flyers, correspondence, coupons ... I'm ready for a paperless system.  Do I really need to keep the receipt copies of bills after I pay them?  At times all the clutter frustrates me and that's a emotion that I look to release.  The obvious release is to clear the clutter away but sometimes I clear the refrigerator of snacky food instead but thankfully not yesterday.  I'm more in control and I keep fight to keep it that way.

New Rule

I wondered how yesterday was going to play out.  I was only scheduled to work until noon yesterday and then be able to start my much needed weekend.  I went into work knowing that might not happen because of a late phone call the night before.  My boss called me at home on Thursday night and said "I hope you don't have any plans tomorrow".  That really didn't surprise me because I knew with him leaving for three weeks on Tuesday there was last minute things to tie up and I was fine with helping out because we DIDN'T have any set plans.  His next statement, however, left me speechless.  He said I'm cancelling my trip and we have a lot to get done tomorrow.  This was something that he had been planning for close to a year and this trip with his wife and friends was something, after a turbulant year, he deserved and needed.  I knew that he hadn't been feeling well which probably explained alot that had happened last week.  He said two doctors wouldn't release him to fly and he was scheduled for sinus surgery next week.   So no matter who we are, we are faced with things that throw us for a curve and can derail us. 

I think maybe I learned from my day on Thursday that no matter what you tell yourself ... you're still human and you have emotions and you shouldn't deny them or fight them.  I think if I didn't handle my "bad" day the way I did on Thursday, letting myself go a little, I would have taken that bad day and turned it into several bad days.  You hear about people being born in the wrong decade, century, etc.  I think I would have made a good caveman because I tend to dwell in a dark place for too long.  My new rule is when things aren't always roses and lollipops that I give myself a certain amount of time maybe an hour or two (probably no longer than that) to get out the emotions whether it be feeling sorry for myself, blame whomever, scream that life isn't fair, cry my eyes out, stomp my feet, have a hot dog or whatever I need to do but it has to be done, affecting me only, not calling in troops of others to help me confirm whatever negative things I'm thinking ... BUT when that time is up it's back to the straight and narrow.  You've let your emotions have their way, and now it's time for your determination and resolve to have their day in the sun which hopefully continues for more days to come.  This is only an experiment.  I felt pretty good yesterday and it was a good day with lots of positive reinforcements ... we'll see how well it works the next time.   If it doesn't work then, it'll be time for another new plan. 

I'M OKAY

Yesterday started out like any other day or did it?  I felt a slight mood shift as I went to bed on Wednesday night.  So, maybe I got up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday morning.  If I did, I would have had to hurdle Gary and he was still lying there.  I showered, put my contacts in, got dressed and headed downstairs to step on the scale for the Holiday Challenge.   I thought at first I was down a pound but checking my weight from the week before, I was the same.  That's okay after my big loss last week and the stats I saw.  On the drive to work something wasn't right.  My vision was blurred, especially my right eye.  When I got to work I left my boss a voicemail that I dreaded because I knew he wouldn't be happy with it.  I told him that I knew he couldn't deal with it now because he getting ready to go to Asia for three weeks but I was just letting him know that Christmas cards needed to be ordered (he picks them out).  I went into the restroom and took out my contact, thinking I'd just reinsert it and everything would be fine.  It was so dry that I couldn't get it back in, I dropped it a couple of times and was scared to death that I'd lose it completely and then I'd be in a bind because I couldn't see a thing.  I went back to my office and sent off an email titled "Jelp" asking if anyone had contact solution I could use.  I guess quite a few people got a chuckle out of my attempt to type in the blind. 

As I finished the email, the phone rang and I heard those words from my boss who wasn't a happy camper.  One word went straight to my heart "disappointed".  I don't know what there is about that word but it just breaks my spirit and it's easier to mend a broken heart than a broken spirit.  I don't know if sometime long, long ago someone told me I was a big disappointment to them or what but it pushes my buttons.  I tried to brush it off, but then it seemed like everything I did was a challenge.  When my boss came in we were going over his trip and he was upset that the travel agent messed up the itinerary with the times of his flight.  She really hadn't made a mistake, they were okay, it was just figuring the difference in time and crossing the date line when today was yesterday.  Then I started getting confused and starting losing confidence in myself. 

By lunchtime, I had had it and knew exactly what I was going to do, which was ... head to my favorite Hot Dog place.  I can't even remember the last time I visited there but that was my destination.  This wasn't an impulse decision, it was planned ... AND, it also wasn't a decision I was going to regret.  I felt I needed a boost and I could control the outcome.  I enjoyed my jumbo hot dog with the kind of casing that snaps (it's the only place around with this type of hot dog) and of course I added chili and cheese to it and had fries.  But, I chose it willingly and knew I'd go to the gym later.  I ate slow and enjoyed every bite.  Something was now good about the day.  I don't know if it was the hot dog, or the control I felt or maybe the comfort of something good. 

I was anxious to go to the gym later, I was looking forward to it.  I was going to blow off steam and work off calories.  I put in a little more time than my last session and was hot behind the collar, only literally, when I left.  Gary fixed a nice low calorie dinner of pork tenderloin and green beans and with my exercise calories I came in under my target.  I checked out MFB and had some very supportive messages, I knew then that all things were okay and tomorrow would be another and better day.

STUFF

Yesterday I walked on my lunch hour.

I had a salad for lunch.

I passed by wings and fries, but had pizza for dinner but within limits.

Today is a not a good day for writing, but something needs to be put down.

Stay tuned tomorrow to see if I'm still blogging through the "dark side"

THE WAY THINGS ARE

Well, yesterday was an "I DON'T WANNA" day.  I don't wanna get up, I don't wanna go to work, I don't wanna blog and admit I wasn't as confident as I thought ... I don't wanna make that phone call and have to wait and wait on the line ... I don't wanna cardboard frozen lunch ... and I certainly don't wanna work out.

But, I'm not a kid ... I'm an adult and adults have responsibilities.  It just takes awhile to get through the thought process.  In fact, I was so wishy washy about my lunch choice that I wasted 1/3 of my lunchhour trying to make a decision whether to eat at my desk or go out and splurge.  I was victorious and it was raining anyway. 

As I was leaving for work yesterday morning, Gary said "gym tonight ... right?" and I just nodded my head.  I kept fairly busy at work which is a good thing and 5:00 finally arrived.  As I was driving home,  I was hoping Gary forgot all about the gym comment.  He was on the phone when I walked in the door.  I plopped down on couch playing ping pong in my head -- go ... don't go ... go ... don't go.  When he finally got off the phone, we talked a little and finally that part of my brain slammed the ball, I mean words ... are you ready to go.  Wow, did that come out of the I don't wanna me.  I quickly ran upstairs to change and we were out the door.  When I got there, I thought I might as well make the most out it.  My plan was to up my time on the bike and do 25 minutes.  Well, it must have been previous set to 22 minutes and when I got to that point it stopped.  Bummer ... guess I have to make it up on the treadmill.  You know what ... I felt different when leaving the gym.  I need to go back over my past blog posts.  Didn't I feel that way when I got my mojo back after my disappointing gain.  Gotta remember that ...working out isn't such a bad thing, maybe it's a "I WANNA" thing.

I GUESS I WASN'T SO LUCKY

Someone said to wish big and another someone said you need to have dreams for your dreams to come true. I guess maybe I was just wishing or dreaming when I said yesterday ... if I was lucky I'd lose a pound at weigh-in last night. Then Coach Mora's speech kept playing over and over in my head. He gave a famous speech years ago after an NFL game when asked about making the playoffs. He said playoffs ... playoffs, are you kidding me, I just hope we win a game. I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head this morning. No, I didn't lose last night but I need to remember that I put in effort last week and I didn't have a gain either. Sometimes that's hard to comprehend, but it's life and it's happened before and it's probably going to happen again, so chalk it up to experience and move on.

Life is also about focus and WHAT you focus on. I mentioned before that I am in a Holiday Challenge on MFP. I was pretty excited before it started ... as we normally are pumped up before an actual event takes place, where you think there's going to be this great outcome, whether it be a holiday, vacation, party, etc. Then you're thrown into the work that's involved, and the excitement tends to diminish some. Well, I was pretty excited, even jumping the gun with a post I made and then reality set in. We were out of town a couple of times and I couldn't weigh in on the appropriate day and the big blow came when I had a big gain. Did I think about giving up ... wondering what I had got myself into ... feeling that I let my teammate(s) down? You bet I did but I didn't give in to all those emotions. Something inside of me is pushing me to finish this challenge no matter what the outcome will be. I was shocked yesterday when results were posted and I had the best percentage of weight loss so far. So, lesson learned. Focus on what you can do day by day and don't worry about the playoffs. You've got to win some games to get there. Not EVERY game, but the majority of them. I'm getting my head back into the game, learning from mistakes and working for a big win next weigh-in.

I'VE ARRIVED

As I took a peek at my home scales this morning after I got ready for work, it didn't bother me to see just about the same thing as I saw last Monday.  I'm figuring I could have a small loss, or maybe even a pound, if I'm lucky at the official scales tonight.  I did some sort of exercise every day the past week and some were even gym workouts where I actually glowed.  I love the quote that women don't sweat.  "Horses sweat, men perspire and women glow!"   I even made it a point to use machines in a hotel exercise room.  I don't know if I was out to prove a point to myself or if something is starting to click.  I actually don't think that the exercise I'm doing is really making that much difference. I'm not spending huge amounts of time, I'm just making the time to get some exercise in my day. Although I said I didn't think it was making that much difference, what I meant to say was that it wasn't making that much difference on the scale. I think it does help my attitude and I know that it helps to relieve stress. Another thing is that I think it does reflect in my appearance of being more toned. So have I arrived? Well, I think I've arrived at the conclusion that I'm a little closer than I was when I started and that's about it.

ME TIME

Yesterday went much better.  I had my day planned.  Planning helps no matter what you're doing, although plans don't ALWAYS go the way they're layed out.  I was going to sleep in ... and then just lay in bed.  Well, from laying in bed watching the ballgame the night before and getting a good night's sleep, I found by 7 or 8 o'clock my hips were hurting from spending so much time in bed.  Maybe some of the fat is coming off my hips and I had less of a cushion ... ya think?  So, I went downstair to the hotel's hot breakfast.  I didn't even look ... remember, I had a plan.  I grabbed some yogurt and banana and had a seat.  Then I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and went back to the room to shower.  I spent more time than ever getting dressed, and primping.  Something I haven't done in ages, but it was a nice change.  I was then off to the mall for some shopping, lunch and to see a movie.  I did this solo and it was okay.  While shopping I bought some things to have a spa night while Gary was finishing up his meetings.  I don't often take time for just me, but maybe that'll change.

BORED OUT OF MY GOURD

I need to stop worrying about things until there is something to worry about and is anything really worth worrying about ... if it happens, it happens.  Wonder if somebody said that once so that I can quote it.  I couldn't wait to head out yesterday just to get away from the office.  I was still nervous about meeting new people.  But it was needless worry because the non-knotty wives didn't show.  I wonder if they actually were a bit like me, but too scared to make a move.  So, I feel a little out of place but will just do my own thing.  I did make it to the workout room last night but they only had a couple of treadmills and a stepper.  No bike, so that left me wondering and out my my normal gym routine, if you can call three times at the gym a routine.  There was also a TV in the room, so I got on the treadmill and started searching for the baseball game.  I could watch the game and get my time in on the machine with no problem.  I went through the channels twice and no game.  I know its on, because the pre-game was on in the room.  Bummer.  Okay, by now, I really wasn't it in ... I did twenty minutes and headed back to the room to watch the game with a glass of wine while Gary and his friends learned how to do another version of a ..... turkshead or whatever.  Tomorrow will be my own adventure.

OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE

Yesterday was a long, long day and on top of that it was a late night.  This morning I'm really dragging.  Work was one of those days when all there was ... was busy work to be done. I barely saw the people that I support, so it was up to me to keep occupied.  I'm working on our company Christmas party but the creative side of me was off somewhere else.  Those kind of days are dangerous because when you want to keep busy or fill yourself up with busyness and you can't find it, you go looking for something else.  Looking back, I'm really surprised I didn't delve into my stash of snacks.  Maybe I knew it was a fried rice night and I had to conserve my calories.  Hmmm, maybe it's finally sinking in.

I knew I was going to work out in the evening, so I just had my Lean Cuisine at my desk and didn't even venture out of the office on my lunch-hour.  As the afternoon drug on, doubts started rolling around in my head about going to the gym.  Then, I went and did it ... I normally log in after the fact on MFP, but I put in my dinner info to see where I was and also my exercise that I would be doing at the gym.  I forgot that sends an automated message to my feed and then came the responses about my workout ... now I had to do it, right?  I'm an honest person, so what is ... IS.  I really didn't want to work out and I think my body is asking for a break, because it didn't give me that same THANK YOU, I'M ENERGIZED when I left the gym.  It was more like WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME ... I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS.

We're going out of town for the weekend and you'd think I'd be a pro at packing by now, since it's seems like we've been gone every other weekend since the end of July.  I still had laundry to do in addition to the packing and there were a couple of shows on TV I wanted to watch, so it was after midnight when I finally got to bed.  Hmmm, maybe it's the late night instead of the exercise that's the reason for my slow moving body this morning.

The weekend is a Knot Symposium, so to speak, that my husband is involved in through The International Guild of Knot Tyers.  It's a passion of his.  He's wanting me to hook up with a couple of the wives while he's busy in his sessions.  I am so uncomfortable in meeting people, especially on my own.  Of course when you're uncomfortable what happens?  You look for something that makes you feel good, something you're familiar with ... mmmm, what could that be?  I've got a feeling this weekend is going to be more of a challenge than I thought.  I thought I could just sleep, read and relax, maybe hit the hotel workout room but I do need to get to know some of the wives because there is a big meeting on the Queen Mary next May that Gary is planning on attending and I don't want to be stuck in my room alone the whole time we're there.  We'll see what happens.

GUYS HAVE IT EASY + IT'S PAJAMA TIME

I came downstairs yesterday morning with my hair in hot rollers.  I had colored my hair the night before and while it is close to Halloween, I knew if I didn't curl it, my frizzy hair would resemble one of a witch.  I used a dark mahogany brown rinse thinking it would be a close match to my dark, dark brown locks.  Uhmmm, no ... there was a red tint to it.  Oh well, some times you just have to take what life gives you, knowing it's only temporary, because as in life things do change and I'll be covering the gray again before I know it.  I've just got to hang in there.  Boy, that's sounds familiar.  Anyway, Gary was up and downstairs before me.  Oh how I wish I could just pop out of bed like he does.  He took a look and said ... boy, guys have it easy.  We don't have to color our hair, if it turns gray, we're just glad we still have hair and if it gets long enough to curl, we just get it cut.  Yeah, I guess guys are less maintenance.  He probably knows where his black shoes are too, since he only has one pair.

The one reason I went to the mall the other day, when I had my Subway lunch, was to continue to look for those pajamas that I told myself I would reward myself with when I lost ten pounds.  I got a scare a couple weeks ago when I had that big gain.  I realized how quick you can gain back the weight if you don't pick yourself up and keep on moving down the road.  I didn't want to give up that ten pounds loss reward which reminded me I hadn't found my pajamas yet.  But, Tuesday, after I had my sandwich, I decided to walk the mall for awhile and ran out of time to do any shopping.  I went back yesterday and had good timing because I had a coupon from one of the stores in my morning email for 20% off.  After looking on several racks, I found pretty much what I was looking for.  I really wanted a pair with sleeves but these were pretty.  A girl wants to look pretty even when she goes to bed, especially when she wakes up transformed, if you know what I mean.  It's a hair thing again and not so pretty.

So it's now onto the second ten pounds for a pair of shoes (maybe black ones) and I'm already half way there!

ANOTHER DAY IN THE LIFE OF . . .

OR ... also known as the boring accounts of a dieter.   I can't believe that I can ramble on and on about my day, mostly everyday.  My life isn't that exciting and there aren't that many breaking news flashes for others to read but it's the one way I know how to keep me going on this journey to the goal I want to accomplish.  It help me get through those tough times and I can also pat myself on the back for what I may have thought were impossible accomplishments .... like yesterday ... so here I go.

Yesterday was another one of those hurrying out the door, not thinking about what I needed to bring, like walking shoes or maybe ... my lunch.  So, did that mean a quick trip to McDonald'?  I could have gone to McDonald's and been okay ... really, I could have.  But, there isn't a McDonald's close to my office, so I decided to go to the mall and have Subway.  I hadn't had it in awhile but the last time I did, I wasn't too satisfied and thought it was about as appetizing as eating cardboard.  I don't care that much for veggies, so with the sandwich being 25% meat and cheese and 75% bread without veggies, it wasn't that kind of meal that you anticipate and crave ... but for me at that time, I thought it was the best choice.  I decided to go with a different bread, the Italian Herb, and that did give it a different texture.  I also did add spinach and onion to the shredded lettuce and lite mayo I normally get, so it did bulk it up a little more.  It was okay ... it wasn't a feast, just a meal and that was okay with me at the time but maybe that is why I wanted a snack in the afternoon.

Gary had a meeting and was gone before I got home from work.  I knew what I was going to do and thought about it off and on during the day.  I rushed home, changed clothes and then was headed to the gym.  I had thought about increasing my time from the 17 and 18 minutes I accomplished on the bike and treadmill last week.  Yes, I was upping it to 20 minutes each.  I guess important things I can remember because I made sure I grabbed my IPOD that Gary had charged for me off the desk as I headed out the door.  I was ready, I was determined ... I got on the bike, started pedaling as I put my ear-buds in.  I turned the IPOD on and then off and then on again, I push the volume up and any other indentation I could find to hear the music.  Nothing!  Oh great, how am I going to get through 20 minutes without music.  There were TV's on and they helped a little but I couldn't hear what was going on because you have to have special earphones.  Well fooling around with the IPOD, looking at the TV, trying to dash my thoughts about giving up while I peddled took care of the first five minutes.  Can I get through this.  Mmmm, maybe I could make my own music but all I could think of were camp songs ... Do your ears hang low.  When I got to 10 minutes, I realized I was half-way done and maybe I could do this, then it was 15 minutes and I had it in the bag, but then I started fretting again.  There was still the treadmill and I really don't mind biking but ... the treadmill?  As I got on the treadmill, I thought well we'll see what happens.  No matter how long I'd go, I knew I probably wouldn't run any, but at three minutes in I thought why not, so I ran for a minute.  It took me a few minutes to recover and I ran another minute and before I knew it, I had 20 minutes in and Zippity Do Da popped in my head as I finished up.  I did it ... I did what I set out to do.  I had my own debate going on during this time but the new me won, the new me that is determined and motivated that promises a much better future if I side with my new way of thinking.

Gary had fixed chili and it was simmering on the stove when I got home.  I usually don't like to drink my calories (unless it's wine) but decided a tall glass of cold milk would hit the spot.  So, another day in the life of this ... mmmm, what can I call myself .... some sort of candidate???   

LIKELY EXCUSE

Like normal ... I rushed out the door yesterday morning without the checklist in my head.  It was morning and who thinks about anything but going back to bed in the morning ... or is that just me?  I got halfway to the office and thought geez ... I'm in heels and a dress this morning, how am I going to walk on my lunchhour since I didn't bring an extra pair of shoes.  It was my only opportunity as I had my TOPS meeting after work and I wouldn't get home until after 9:00 p.m.  I ate lunch at my desk and spent my entire lunch hour checking out Facebook and MyFitnessPal.  Divine intervention pops in and I find myself having to run a couple of office errands that involved several blocks of walking.  Yes, I could walk quite a distance in heels.  It wasn't the most opportune way to walk, but it could be done.  Maybe it would even tone my legs.  I lucked out this time, but I need to find an old pair of flats just to keep at the office because I know my morning habits of rushing out the door are probably going to be hard to change.

I headed to my TOPS meeting ready to face the scales.  I still wasn't quite sure what kind of loss I would have, as everyone now knows my home scales are fickle, but I was confident it would be a loss.  Vera always sets the weights at where you weighed in the time before and it didn't budge when she started moving the upper bar.  1# -- 1 1/2# - 2# - 2 1/2# ... I kept holding my breath as the weight was starting to rise and ended up with a 4# loss.  Wow, I got off my previous week's gain of 3# and another pound.  What more could I ask for?  Nope, I'm not going to say ... well, you know, another pound because I'm already concerned for how my body is going to react to take off more this week.  Is it going to think ... hey, I'm done what more do you want, do you expect me to keep losing, maybe I'll just stall out this week.  Those thoughts rolling around in my head can only bring doubts and I've had enough of those.  I'm sticking to my plan and thinking positive and I know that'll see me through.

My TOPS Chapter had a horrible week the week before and I certainly added to their weight report in the red.  We have a small chapter with only nine members.  Last week we had a gain of 12 pounds with only one member having a loss.  We had a good program and we shared a lot and I felt everyone was pretty pumped up to come in last night with a better weight report.  I thought we'd have a huge net loss but it only ended up being 2.5# and remember I had a 4# loss.  Only I and another lady lost and her loss was 1/2#.  I almost felt kind of bad, you know in that sense of being embarrassed for overdoing it but by george I came through alot last week and I worked hard and I needed that big loss.  But, I still feel for my fellow members.  I remember years ago, there was a time when I was the only one losing and I did sluff off because I didn't want to feel like an outsider ... but that was the worse thing I could do.  It wasn't like I was a parent who let a child win a game to prevent them from ever wanting to play again.  Setbacks stem from faulty thinking.  How many people are setback when listening to things like, have a piece of cake ... one piece won't hurt or you don't need to lose anymore weight, you look fine.  Putting everything in perspective, I'm joined TOPS to help me in losing weight and now perhaps even motivate others to follow in my footsteps ... no, I'm not holding back, I'm out to be a winner by losing.  

FICKLE SCALE OR FICKLE ME

I got on the scale this morning like I do every Monday morning and was pleased with what I saw. You'll remember back to Thursday when the scale was up and I was trying to convince myself that it didn't mean a thing. I was muddling through a lot, trying to get out of my funk and back on track. But, I still was thinking way too much, analyzing too much and questioning whether I was doing enough. It was things like I was behind the eight ball and needed to lose six pounds just to get even and I knew that wasn't going to happen. Also being faced with three more trips that I knew of and the upcoming holidays. Whatever happened to a day at a time and my vow of not making long-range goals where I'd start calculating how much I needed to lose each week. All I can say now is that panic must have set in and I was at a point of not knowing which way to turn. Well, I found out it wasn't about turning, it was about moving forward and it really didn't matter how fast. I just had to continue trying until I was back in the groove and got my confidence back. I had to give myself time, be patient and believe that I was going to lose consistently again. It's always easier looking back on the tough times after you've made your way through them than it is going through it but I need to remember this the next time and that's why I'm writing it down. When I've hit a rough spot, I tend to go back and reread my entries which helps tremendously.

 I have a few blogging friends who read my posts and they also were instrumental in helping me believe in myself. They were there to hand me the pieces as I was trying to put things back together and I am so thankful for that. I'm in a good place right now and I know when it gets tough the next time, it should be a little easier to rebound.

Yesterday was a day of rest. There were plenty of things to take care of, including a mounds of paper to sort through but the weather outside and the forecast from the weatherman kind of set the mood. It was dreary and rainy in the morning and I heard on TV, that once the rain headed out, it was to turn cooler. It was very cloudy and overcast and I could hear the wind really gusting. I watched out the window at the leaves falling like rain. I assumed the weatherman was right, it looked like a early winter day. Well, I guess you can't believe everything you hear because when I finally got out of the house and went to Mass in the evening the temp on my car said it was 70. An opportunity for a nice fall walk had passed me by.

MFP has really been a Godsend. I have been diligent about tracking my food and I know that has helped tremendously, but the other thing is the random messages it generates.  It shows what the handful of friends that I've found are doing in completing their food journal and tracking their exercise, in addition to all the little things the individual writes. Yesterday though I was paying particular attention to their activity and it finally kicked in that I needed to do something even if I wasn't going out in the cold (which as I mentioned turned out to be a myth). I knew I had some exercise videos around and when the pathetic Colts game was over, I thought I could do that. The task at hand though was to find them. I hadn't done that type of exercise in ages. There they were in the first place I looked. It dates me because what I was searching for was Richard Simmons Sweating tapes which needed a VCR to play. Our son gave us his old VCR years ago and I asked Gary if we still had it. Yep, it was there in the console ... now to figure out how it worked. Before too long, the Sweating to Disco Music was on. I didn't remember it, had I used it at all? The 70's and Disco were a wild time and it was wild trying to keep up, but as long as I was moving AND sweating, I knew it was doing it's thing, but maybe I should have pulled out the Broadway tunes instead ... no, this is fine and the steps will come back to me if I continue to use it.

So, yesterday ... was it unproductive? It's all in the way you look at it.

STEADY AS SHE GOES

Not too much to expand on for today. Just staying focused and positive. We had two of the grandkids yesterday and Gary wanted to do something away from the house. We thought about a kids movie and that would fit the bill for me to see something light and funny which most kids movies are but we also heard that the weather might be nice enough to be outside and we don't know how many more of those days we're going to get since it's mid-October in the Midwest. We decided to seek out a pumpkin patch that is geared around Halloween. There are a couple of orchards in the area but I wanted to go to someplace new and different. I remember my neice talking about a place she took her kids to last year, so we headed to Kelsey Farms. It's a dairy farm they've turned into a Kids Halloween Paradise. Many more activities than the other places we've gone too. I thought a corn maze was a corn maze but this one incorporated a scavenger hunt and we walked around it for a long time never finding all four clues but it was fun and I got my walking in.

The kids also loved the hay mountain, pumpkin bowling and the corn crib which was like a gigantic sandbox except it was full of corn kernels.  There was also apple fritters, carmel apples, and chocolate shakes which I was fine not sharing in, because watching kids having fun satisfied me.

We spent several hours at Kelsey's and then to dinner where I ordered a chicken quesedilla.  I only had 1/2 of it because I know they are high in calories but wonder why ... chicken's good .... the tomatoes are good .... the tortilla is equal to bread, so that's not that bad ... hmmm, must be the cheese but again I was okay in asking for a box to bring the other half home.  I feel I had a fun day and didn't miss out on a thing!

Momentum

I only had to work until noon yesterday and was fairly busy, so the morning yet pretty fast and I was soon starting my weekend.  Gary had sent me an email saying tuna salad and tomato soup for lunch?  Sounded good to me.  No trip this weekend, so not much on my plate and I need to keep it that way literally.  When I got home I did some laundry and picking up around the house but also took advantage of the free time and took a 45 minute walk.  When I got home I wasn't worn out from the walk but dozed off for a short nap.  Maybe it just totally relaxed me.  However, the nap meant I didn't sleep well last night so you win some, you lose some.  I got up this morning and was so tempted to get on the scale to see if my last couple of days were reflected in a good way but I don't want to ruin my weekend if there was fluctuation going on and I'll deal with whatever I need to deal with on Monday.  I'm out just to enjoy myself for a couple of days and not put any unnecessary pressure on myself.

I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK

Well finally things are changing.  I was still fighting my way of the bag yesterday morning.  Gary told me that he had 1/2 turkey sandwich leftover from his lunch the day before or that their was leftover pizza in the fridge that I could take for lunch at work.  I decided the sandwich would be the best fit for my calories intake.  As I may have mentioned before, I am not a morning person and am not very responsive in the morning.  Yep, I walked out the door without my lunch.  Lunchtime rolled around and I knew that I had a SmartOnes meal in the breakroom freezer.  However, I was already bored at work and going out would break-up the monotony.  It would also double my calories.  I know I went back and forth in my head a dozen times with all the benefits from both side of the coin.  I think THAT decision started my move out of the "dark side".  I did have the frozen meal and it actually wasn't too bad but most of all, I was satisfied and after it was said and done, I was proud of my decision.

As the afternoon rolled around with nothing exciting or pressing to do, I found I wasn't quite there yet getting out of my funk.  I wanted something ... my stash of snacks were calling to me.  I knew that I needed quantity over quality (one of the mind games we play) so accessing the amount of bites plus the calories I choose a packet of Cheez It Gripz.  They were teeny tiny crackers about the size of a pin head but there were lots of them in the packet at only 120 calories.  They fit into my plan but part of me was saying ... you're not hungry, you're bored but I had them over the Chewy Dipps.

Then came my turning point.  I came home plopped on the couch.  Gary said we had a show on the DVR to watch and fleeting thoughts about going to the gym entered my head.  I told myself after my weigh in on Monday that I needed to hit the gym again but when Tuesday came and went and I didn't go, even after telling Gary I wanted to go, I pushed it further and further back into my brain.  But there it was again, the thought of exercising.  I pretty much gave up the gym after doing the 5K at Disney about this time last year and what was the result of that .... extra pounds.  As I was watching Vegas, I blurted out ... let's go to the gym when this is over.  We were going out to dinner anyway, why not hit the gym first.  So, that's what we did.

I knew I was going to take it slow.  Not do as much as I was doing when I was going on a regular basis.  We got there and it became obvious we hadn't been there in awhile because our membership had expired.  No problem, we took a few minutes to renew and we were on our way upstairs.  My plan was 10 minutes on the bike and 10 minutes on the treadmill.  I thought surely I could get through that.  When I got on the bike, I wondered.  My legs were feeling it after the first couple of minutes.  I concentrated on the music I was listening to and got to the 10 minute mark.  At that point I was doing okay, thinking I can push for 5 more minutes and I'd do 15 minutes on the treadmill too and that would get me to the 30 minutes of exercise I've been challenged to do on the Holiday Challenge in which I felt I was doing miserable.  Then something happened at the 15 minute mark on the bike, I saw that I had burned about 175 calories.  If I went a couple more minutes, I could burn 200 ... that was motivating me and I did it.  I got on the treadmill, thinking ... well since I did 17 minutes on the bike, I'll only have to do 13 on the treadmill.  I walked about five minutes at a fast pace and thought I'm going to push myself and see how long I can bump it up and run.  I ran for one minute ... winded but I ran.  At the 10 minute point, I ran another minute and when I got to 13 minutes, I thought what the heck just make it 15 minutes and then at 15, the same thing happened with seeing how many calories I burned and I was determined to hit 100 calories burned and I got off the treadmill at 18 minutes with another short run.  I felt good, I felt empowered.

I knew that I had turned the corner at dinner.  I opened my fortune cookie with no intention of eating it but just to read the fortune and here's what I saw "You will conquer obstacles to achieve success".  My next test was that the plan was only to eat 1/2 portion of my chicken fried rice to stay in my calorie range.  I did that too, even when Gary was taking forever to finish his meal and I just sat there looking at what remained on my plate.  I hate to waste food but they don't do half portions and I was back in the groove and had no problem throwing the remainder in the trash. 

I read a lot of quotes yesterday about getting up when you fall.  One said that a stumble may prevent a fall.  I realize now that I didn't fall, I just stumbled and caught myself because I got hurt.

THERAPY SESSION

I thought I'd be over this by now but when I got on the scales for my Holiday Challenge weigh-in on MFP this morning, I found that just wasn't the case.  I expected to see a loss because while I accepted my gain on Monday, I didn't feel that it was a true reading and while thinking maybe the entire three pounds wouldn't be gone, I'd certainly be lower than Monday.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!!!  So, how do I feel?  Pretty deflated.  I feel like the kid that's always picked last, who wants to play but just doesn't have the natural talent to be very good or the student who is always in the lower rankings of the class.  I'm not going to quit playing or quit trying to do better, but it's pretty hard right now.

Last night was a fun evening with my daughter.  We attended what is called Wine and Canvas.  It's a 3-hour painting session where you're led step by step from an instructor.  I've mentioned it here before when I've went with my husband.  This was the third time for me and at each session, there are people attending for the first time with no painting experience.  It's amazing what you can accomplish.    I'm not very good but at the end of the evening your piece actually is recognizable of what you've set out to paint.  At times I got frustrated .... maybe because I came in frustrated but I kept trying, encouragement from Stephanie helped too.  Anyway, if you keep at it you do accomplish something ... maybe not exactly what you want but something more than you initially expected.    I guess that's how I'm feeling about my weight.  Each time I've gone to Wine and Canvas, I think I'll get better at it, but it's still hard even when trying to follow step by step of what the instructor is telling us.  My strokes don't always turn out the way I envision in my head.

As I was thinking about what I would be writing in my blog post, as I walked away the scale, I thought it would just be a line that said something about getting on the scale, not liking what I saw and there wouldn't be a post today.  I know, however, that one of the best things I can do when I feel like this is to write ... to get the emotions out, to come to terms with my frustration and to come up with ideas that will reverse my way of thinking.  I'm starting out fresh today with a clean slate with resolve to stick to the plan, do what I know will help me get back in the groove and see results when I weigh-in on Monday.  I can do this ... I want to do this ... I will do this!!! 

DIFFICULT

I don't quite understand why it is so hard to get back to the groove I was in prior to my weigh-in on Monday.  I got up yesterday with every intention to go back to what I was doing, which by the way didn't seem that difficult when I was doing it.  I was just making wise choices and limiting my intake and little by little, I was loosing enough to keep me motivated.  Maybe it was because I didn't start my day off with a traditional breakfast but here lately I had gotten away from that.  Maybe it's time to start over totally.  I just grabbed a granola bar once I got to work and lunch was just some soup.  Gary fixed stroganoff for dinner and I had that on my smaller salad plate and only one serving, even though it was so delicious.  But shortly after dinner, I was back in the kitchen rummaging around for more, it turned out to be a fudgie and about 90 minutes later popcorn.  Those aren't bad things to have but it's just not like me to snack like that and I'm afraid if I continue, it will carry over to overeating something else.  I now realize that this is going to be a difficult week until I face the scales at my next weigh-in.  I'm know that's it's all psychological but that doesn't make it any less difficult.  I've just got to hang in there.

BUMMER

Last night's weigh in went worse than I anticipated.  I tried all my usual things when I'm faced with such a weigh-in ... wearing the lightest weight clothes I have, drinking lots of water, staying confident but it was all futile last night.  A big whopping three pound gain.  As I wrote yesterday, I tried to shake it off, telling myself that I have an immediate new start.  I'm not looking at the big picture but step by step, day by day victories that roll into bigger results.  I noticed however AFTER I weighed-in and went to dinner that my control was lacking and I wasn't satisfied.  For the last two months, I have been able to control my portions, leaving food on my plate with no problem and feeling good about it.  Last night at dinner, once I started eating, it was like an addict that couldn't get enough and still wanted more.  When I got home, although it was almost 9:30, I was in the kitchen looking for something to fill me up.  Maybe a sandwich but ended up being a fudgie and a couple of pretzels.  I know I have not lost complete control but I don't like the side of me that showed up last night.  I'm exhausted this morning and didn't take time for breakfast because I had rather lie on the couch until time to leave.  I have not failed, I've only stumbled but still feel lousy about the outcome.

BACK IN THE SADDLE

I've been thrown off the horse, but it's been my own fault for bucking him, seeing how much he could take.  I'm bruised from the fall but hope I can learn what happens when you take some wild chances.  We had a great long weekend and I don't want to take away from that.  We shopped, visited some attractions, had meals with friends and family, gambled, had wine and were constantly on the go.  I did miss having total access to a computer though but thankful I did have my Kindle.  I am definitely going to order a Kindle Fire 4G.

Friday, I could feel myself slipping, letting down my guard and my determination waning.  We had quite a drive in the rain to St. Louis and I was edgy and tired.  Bad combination when you want to be on top of your game.  We had the opportunity for another free meal, courtesy of a casino offer and maybe after you turn down things so many times, when you finally do say okay, you go wild.  I didn't exactly go wild but I felt I did push the envelope some and that just left the door open and my choices after that didn't exactly fit my game plan but what's done is done and it's time to get back down to business.

My fingers feel a little puffy this morning and I'm hoping that drinking lots of water will help help to flush me out some before my weigh-in tonight taking some fat cells with it.

REELNG MYSELF BACK IN

We're in St. Louis after a long rainy drive..  Our mystery hotel is the DoubleTree which we have stayed quite a bit and have enjoyed.  It happened ... I lost control, starting with a bite of the cookie we were given checking in.  It went downhill from there.  Well just dinner, I guess.  We got a free buffet at a nearby casino and I didn't do as well this time even though I limited myself to one trip ... but it was a total of a four-couurse meal and I feel very stuffed.  Maybe I was trying to tell my body that ths was an off day and  I wasn't starving it ... Okay, BIG excuse.  The hotel has a workout room.  I guess I should make a visit to it.

AW COME ON!

Well no real post today.  We are traveling again and the hotel where we're staying is suppose to have free WIFI but we couldn't get connected, so here I am at McDonald's this morning ... yes, McDonald's using their WIFI.  I'm having one of their fruit parfaits for breakfast instead of the sausage biscuit I used to get.  I also made it through a buffet last night and did okay.  Will write again when we get to our next destination which will be tomorrow (Friday) night. 

SO ... SO -- SO?

Yesterday wasn't that exciting, so not much to write.  I could be like my husband when our kids were small and asked him questions ... he'd just make something up.  I could say I got on the scales yesterday and lost 8#'s since the day before or that I just completed my 25th marathon this year but even a stranger would think that was far fetched.  Guess I'll just have to settle for my boring account.

I went to the store with Gary on Sunday after church.  Since he retired he does 95% of the cooking and pretty much all the grocery shopping but he had some coupons for some kitchen stuff and he wanted me to go along to listen to my opinion of "to buy or not to buy".  While we were in the store, I thought it might be wise to get some snacks for work.  I know many people in the office have a specified drawer in their desk or credenza for their "stash".  I know there have been times in the past where I have found myself standing in front of the vending machine with absolutely horrible choices and I thought having my own pre-picked snacks would help.  I ended up with some Cheez It Crackers (120 calories) and Quaker Chewy Dipps (150 calories).  Now, I'm wondering if that was such a good decision.  Of course Monday wasn't a problem because I was faced with my weigh-in but yesterday mid-afternoon I saw the sack with my goodies just lying there calling to me.  I know for a fact that had they not been there, I would have gone on with my day not even thinking about going to the vending machine.  But I hadn't had one of those Quaker things for a long, long time and it was chocolate coated and I was somewhat bored with the task at hand and I knew I had the calories to dispense and, and, and ...  BUT, if it wasn't there, I wouldn't have eaten anything, but I did ... so, what have I learned?  I need a designated drawer to keep it ... out of sight, out of mind.  I've done without a mid-afternoon snack for a couple of months, I probably don't need one now ... fruit would be a better choice, or perhaps ... this is all a learning process and seeing what works and what doesn't is key.

RAINY DAYS AND . . .

We're getting some relief from the summer drought with rain setting in for a few days.  But, is it too little, too late.  Is it ever ... too little, too late?  I don't think so.  As long as you need something, you should be thankful for every morsel you receive, no matter how small or how long it takes to click in and show up.  You just grab at the brass ring when the opportunity arises and ya know, the opportunity is really always there in front of you.

I got up yesterday and made my way to the scale to see how I'd be doing at my official weigh in last night.  It's just something I do to cushion any shock if there are any less than favorable results at weigh-in.  My scales are not spot on with the old fashioned upright moving the weights type scale at my TOPS meeting but they do give me a gauge of where I'm at.  Yesterday morning, however, it was one of those "too close to call" moments.  I could have a small loss or just the reverse.  But, I was okay with that because I knew that whatever happened later in the evening would just keep me more determined to see the scale go down in the future, unlike my spinout from last week when I was trying to juggle two weigh-ins a week.  They say you learn from experience and WOW have I had some experience, but maybe finally I have learned any my attitude has changed a little.

It didn't start raining until after I was back from lunch, so I got a short walk in.  At 1:30, though, our department was headed down to the breakroom to celebrate a co-workers birthday.  My fellows workers know by now ... if it's Monday, don't even offer Sheilah anything.  I used to feel bad because I felt like I wasn't participating or celebrating but I realize that's what "I" thought and my thinking has caused "ME" problems in the past ... I'm there, I'm singing Happy Birthday, I'm wishing the person best wishes, I don't have to eat chocolate cake with sugary icing if I feel it will prevent me from my goal.  The next birthday we celebrate will be mine and I have about six weeks to figure out what I'm going to do then.

As I left the office on the way to my meeting, it was drizzling.  I thought ... boy, if I have a little gain, I'm gonna blame it on the rain and being wet and the water making the difference for the extra weight.  No need ... when I set foot on the scale the weight sat on the bottom from what I was last week which meant I lost.  I ended up being the best loser with 1.5# loss.  My average ... although I didn't feel average, I felt great ... another loss ... another step closer to goal.

UNEVENTFUL ... MAYBE NOT

Yesterday was a pretty quiet day with nothing really to report.  When I got dressed I couldn't decide what to wear, but remembered seeing a pair of green slacks that I used to wear as I was putting away some of the ironing I did on Saturday.  My closet or should I say closets contain various variations of fit.  It goes from ... it's a smidgen loose ... it's okay ...wow, I can hardly breathe ... to no way, Jose.  The green slacks while worn the last time I lost successfully had now ended up pushed into the back of the closet and were .... mmm, I can hardly get them over my hips, let alone zip them up.  Do I even dare to try them on.  The last time I lost weight (which was around 30# and what seemed to be so quick to gain back even though it was over a year),  I couldn't see any difference in my clothes until between the 25 to 30 pound mark lost and remembered being pretty happy getting in those green slacks.  But now ... I'm only about halfway to that point.  Oh, what the heck ... yep, they went over my hips but the real test was could I zip them ... suck it up, Sheilah ... now the button.  Are you kidding me???  Well, they're not in that last category anymore and maybe even a little better than the one before it because even though tight around the waist, I wore them all day so I obviously was breathing.  I think they will be the best gauge of my progress.  I definitely remember how they felt putting them on yesterday and I plan to wait several weeks before trying them on again to review the fit.  There is one result from losing that I am anxious to see and that is to have a distinctive waist.  Maybe I'm starting to see it.  While nothing in my closets are at the point of too sloopy to wear anymore, I'm actually thinking that point isn't that far away.