Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Something's Got to Give

It's been awhile ... probably too long since I've written. Friday was the start of my downward spiral and although writing is therapeutic, I wasn't in the mood. I have tried very hard to stay on track but seem to be dictated by the scales. I know, I know, I know ... they fluctuate. I know all about hormones and water weight and atmospheric pulls. I wish someone would 'splain that to my emotional side. Stay off the scales, you say? Well I kind of did that. I didn't weigh until Friday but knew I needed to get on the scales because of my overindulgence the day before and I wanted to keep myself in check. I did write a note on Friday to the TOPS loop I'm on and I was going to expand on that here on my blog but it never happened. Here's my note to the group.

I got up this morning and put on a pair of jeans (it's casual day at work) and
they felt tight. After getting dressed I headed downstairs to get on the
scales. I hadn't been on them since Monday morning and was hoping to see a loss but just had this feeling. As I took each stair, I felt the soreness in my legs from spending three nights this week at the gym. I got on the scales as softly (like that makes a difference) as I could and stood there a second before I opened my eyes. Yep, there it was ... a gain of over a pound. My first reaction was thinking a few choice words and then came the WHY. Surely my one off day didn't mean a gain, especially with the extra exercise and then came the logical reasoning (yeah right) ... the rice last night still needed digesting. I should have waited another day to weigh myself. I am so tired of this roller coaster ... so, Sheilah why not just get off? Because the ride's not over. It doesn't actually come back into the station until I get on the official scales at TOPS on Monday. So, I'll keep holding my breath or screaming at the top of my lungs to the tune of something like "get me off of here". But, who knows maybe with a loss on Monday night, I'll find myself back in line.


Gary and I had a big night planned for Friday. We were going to see "Rent" and I had a BOGO for Fogo's, a Brazilian Steakhouse. I really watched what I ate all day and tried not to overindulge with all the succulent cuts of meat at Fogo. To be perfectly honest, I was a little disappointed with the evening.

Saturday I slept until about 7:30 and felt pretty good. Last week I mentioned about staying in bed too long and said I was going to try to get up when I first awoke this weekend, but sleeping in was just too tempting. I got on the scales Saturday morning and they didn't budge. I wanted to turn things around from last weekend where I felt nothing was accomplished and kept busy with various tasks until it was time to get ready to go downtown to "The Taste of Downtown" at Easley's Winery. Again, I ate lightly because I knew we would be eating at food booths but I was going to choose wisely there. I was determined to have a loss come Monday. What a waste of time. To start off we couldn't find a parking space and ended up walking several blocks which would have been okay except for the heat. The line for tasting at the winery was back almost to the door. We tried to get there early, but I guess it wasn't early enough and there were only four or five food booths and some of them were restaurants I never heard of. I was expecting most of the downtown eating establishments to be represented but I was sure wrong about that. The band we wanted to hear wouldn't be playing for over 90 minutes, so we just walked the circuit around the area, looked at a few of the old cars that were on display and left, asking each other where we were going for dinner. Wherever it was, I was going to be in control.

Sunday morning's face-off with the scales saw a miniscule movement but still no loss for the week. I was starting to get ticked. We had no plans for the day, so we headed to Horseshoe Casino. I knew that Gary was chomping at the bit to gamble after his good fortune when we were on vacation and thought I'd just play a few slot machines and take my Kindle to read. It was a light breakfast at home before we left and I had no idea what would happen for lunch or dinner. That's really a bad move. I need pre-planning. There was a big fiasco at the casino with the slot machines. They weren't printing vouchers when you cashed out and you had to wait for a hand pay. I didn't even bother because I knew I'd grow impatient and ended up playing the machine until my money ran out. Gary played for a couple of hours and on our way out, a Horseshoe Employee offered us free food comps for our inconvenience. We ended up going to the buffet ... oh, Lord what am I going to do! Well, I settled for a slice of beef, vegetables and a couple spoonfuls of dressing. I knew to stay away from the salad because it tends to make me hold water. I wasn't satisfied, I was bummed about not playing the machines, and I was still ticked about my measure of success with the scales this morning. Okay, I've had it ... I'm gonna get what I want. I made my way back to the buffet, looking at the mac n cheese, continued walking around and then over to the dessert table staring at the banana cream pie, back circling the main buffet like I was ready to pounce at any moment and then back to the table where Gary was sitting with nothing acting like a defeated dog with my tail between my legs. I had really won a battle but yet felt defeated.

Moving on to yesterday morning. Up and at 'em. The scale would surely show me what I wanted to see after my sacrifice the day before. Damn scales ... I've had it. It's not worth all the aggravation and emotional drama I'm putting myself though. It's just not in the cards for me to lose. I'll have to be satisfied with things the way they are. I'm not a person that can eat sprouts, tofu and brown rice. I get enjoyment from eating and if I have to pay the price for that then ... bring it on. My mood was dictated all day by those crazy scales. I felt I was only a speck, easily flicked away as some insignificant annoyance hanging around. I couldn't do anything right and as the day went on, I felt the pull downward. There must have been some hope deep inside though, because I was drinking water like I was living in a desert to flush out some of those fat cells and excess water I thought maybe I was holding.

As I showed up at my TOPS meeting, awaiting my moment of truth, I felt a glimmer of hope just being surrounded by friends facing the same struggle but yet succeeding. I finally realized that I was succeeding too no matter what was about to happen as I stepped on that metal monster. Geez, what kind of cruel game is this .... I had lost one pound. I was exhausted from all the drama. I couldn't even revel in my success. Was it just a number? I'm not sure. Where's the hallelujah. It just wasn't in me like the week before when I went below that hashmark. I've got to regain that enthusiasm some how or I'm not going to make it. I'm just so tired of it all, but there's still seems to be something inside of me that is making me keep going. I'm hoping something happens soon similar to that runner's high that usually comes right after the point of exhaustion. I sure need it.

4 comments:

I'm My Favorite said...

I really think the scale is doing more harm than good for you. From reading your blog it's obvious that your scale and the TOPS scale are not the same. You weigh yourself right before TOPS at home with a gain and then lose a pound on the TOPS scale? No wonder you're so frustrated. Shouldn't you just subtract a pound from your home scale?

If you are going to weigh yourself ever day (and I totally get it - I do it to) I would suggest doing it at the same time every day, once a day. TMI here, but I weigh myself after I first get up and I've used the potty and before I step in the shower. That way you don't have to guess how much clothes weigh. (never weigh yourself while wearing jeans;)

I have a challenge for you. It's just for one week. I know you can do it. The challenge is to go a week without weighing yourself. Call Dad right now and ask him to hide the scale.

If you are tracking calories or counting WW points you will lose. There will be no question of IF you will lose. The plan works. It really is simple - calories in; calories out.

Track every bite that goes into your mouth. I would even suggest staying away from resturants for this one week just so you can see.

You're not trusting yourself. You're doubting if you can lose weight. You're telling yourself the plan doesn't work for you. If you stay within your calories or points you will see a loss. But you HAVE to track. Every bite. Then you will not get on the scale hoping to see a loss. You will not step lightly on the scale. You will get on confidently knowing that you will have a loss.

mensa said...

Stephanie, you're right I'm putting too much focus on the scale. I'll take you up on your challenge. It will be hard because I want to see proof of my work but it can wait until next Monday, I suppose. The weight is just coming off much slower this time and I'm impatient but I guess as long as it's coming off is the important thing.

Kim Summers said...

I agree with Stephanie that the scales are not doing you any good. Everyone is different and need to find what works for them. I, unlike Stephanie, found the weighing my self everyday did not work for me. I would get more discouraged than motivated. I would rather see a bigger number weekly than smaller movement daily. I understand weight fluctuates daily and I don't need to see that progression. I also agree that you should weigh yourself first thing in the morning and naked. I choose Friday morning because weekends are usually where I struggle a bit so by the next Friday, I never see any slight gains because they have already been taken care of.

Anyway, you can do this!

mensa said...

Thanks, Kim ... we'll see what goes this week as I'm gonna stay off the scale. I'm pretty much stuck with the Monday weigh in which can be a good thing keeping me honest over the weekend. I do weigh in the morning but have a tendency to weigh a little less as the day goes on and I eliminate water. We are all in this for the duration and we can do it!