Time to Move On

As I suspected last night was no party. I weighed in with a 3 1/2# gain. To make matters worse, by my standards, I was the only member that gained. I felt, not only did I let myself down, but everyone else too for the chance of the distinction of a "no gain" meeting. However no one said anything, except for the words of encouragement and listening to how my resolve dissolved over the past couple of days. Besides my TOPS members, I'm thankful to have cheerleaders like Kim, Karyn and the "Unknowndieter", telling me "push 'em back ... push 'em back, harder, harder ... meaning the snacking temptations. I also feel I have a coach in Stephanie telling me to get back out there and do my best because it's not over until it's over and it's far from over.

I found that's losing weight isn't just not eating less and exercising more, it's knowing exactly what you're doing. Planning and pre-planning and never let yourself sit in one spot for too long. I guess it's back to the basics and more awareness. There's no doubt I can do this, I've just got to build up my confidence a bit.

I knew exactly how many points I had left when we went to dinner last night and this time I didn't guess how many points something had, I checked out the listing for Bob Evans, got something I like within range and came in on target for the day. This morning I did get on the scales but I'm not going to make it a daily routine. I thought with the big gain and being right on yesterday I would see at least a small drop ... not yet, but I'll keep trying.

We're having dinner with a classmate we haven't seen since we graduated in 1967. A little nervous about that and because it's a mom and pop restaurant with a limited menu and not as easy as going to a site and seeing what points the entrees have. However, I have a plan and I am sticking to it. I'm not letting last night's gain do to me what my last gain did when I ironically had the same number of weigh-ins without a gain (9). I'm grazed but not down for the count. I have it in me to do this and when I feel I don't, I'll be grabbing someone or something to hold onto.

Crashed and Burned

The weekend started up so well, with only a couple of constructive criticizing remarks by my boss before I actually started it (maybe I should have not said anything in an earlier post about this kind of character building). I held firm on my choices at the festival we attended on Friday and I was pretty much right on up until dinner on Saturday. We had Jacob and Gracie on Saturday night and it seems their favorite place for dinner when staying with us is Cracker Barrel. I felt good about ordering a grilled chicken salad but then sucuumbed to the biscuits. At this point, I don't know if I had 1 1/2 or 2. Neither of the kids finished their meal and I did something I've never done before, I ate off both of their plates ... only a couple of bites, but with dumplings and mac n cheese, it wasn't the thing to do. We took the kids to play miniature golf and we had a fun evening and I guess it was a little bit of exercise bending over and picking up my golf ball for 18 holes.

But this morning, I kept remembering those biscuits and feeling like I was completely out of control. It was haunting me. My indiscretions were there in the back of my mind wondering what triggered this. I had a great weekend. I'm so blessed to be able to live the life I'm living. To be able to travel and have fun-filled weekends that don't need to be centered around food. After Stephanie and Jim picked up the kids, Gary left for a meeting and I had all these plans to clean house and get caught up on all the masses of paper we always seem to be drowining in. But I couldn't be motivated in doing anything. I held off the gremlins suggesting that a snack would get me moving but I was still justs sitting doing nothing but watching "American Pickers" that was on TV. Why was it so hard just to turn off the "idiot box" and clean the bathroom. I was given some alone time that I could get so much done and what was I doing ... wasting it. I felt like one of those characters from an old TV show, sitting on the couch, watching TV, downing bons bons. Well, it wasn't bon bons, as I became weaker from earlier in the day and got into some cashews and a fudgcicle. I really was trying but not hard enough.

When Gary came home, we went to dinner and again had no power over the bread and olive oil. I did bring home half of my dinner, but it was because I had spoiled my appetite with too much bread.

I know tomorrow will be a diaster for my weigh-in but I got to just get over it, accept that it'll put me a little behind and move on. They say it's good to bear your soul and admit it when you've done something wrong. I've got to convince myself that one bad day doesn't mean I'm done. It's not a stopping point to get off but just a connecting place to refuel and continue. Right now that seems to be easier said than done but I'll sleep on it tonight and ready to get back into the groove tomorrow.

Rooted in Me?

Can personality traits that have been ingrained for years be changed or it is just a part of who you are and you're stuck with it? I've always been shy and reserved but on occasion I can come out of my shell so maybe the "people pleaser" in me can change or at least be modified. I mean it's good to a point in being kind and helpful but is there a "dark side" to this trait?

Last week the TOPS loop I'm on started a team contest with various tasks to accomplish each week. One was to keep a food diary. No problem with that, I know how helpful journaling can be and it keeps me accountable. The dilemma was you got extra points for posting on the loop for everyone else to see. I immediately felt judgment set in with people thinking how does she think she can lose weight by eating that? I almost gave up those extra points for my team but half-heartedly managed to convince myself what does it matter what they think? It's working for me. I can have that glass of wine or that serving of augratin potatoes if I work it into my plan. Why do we worry so much about how others think? Is it holding us back from what we really want to become? I know alot of people won't go to the gym because they feel people are talking behind their back about their size. I almost succumbed to that way of thinking a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to decide whether to participate in a day on the lake and being faced with probably being the largest one in a swimsuit. They were supposedly my friends and they certainly weren't going to mock me, were they? Rereading this ... maybe it's not the people pleasing part but the judgment part or do they go hand in hand.

I'm diligently trying to learn to be my own person and do what I need to do that will get be to where I want to be. Does it matter what another person thinks ... maybe. I guess there's always room for constructive criticism. It just how I react to it that can make the difference in a good day or a bummer-type of a day. It's going to take a while but I'll get this all sorted out. Success feeds on success and what a great feeling that is!

I've got a friend

I've been avoiding the scale for the last couple of weeks except for my weigh-ins on Monday at TOPS and it seems to be working keeping my mood on an even keel about my progress. But, yesterday morning I found success somewhere other than a scale. It was in a pair of blue slacks that I haven't been able to wear I know in well over a year, maybe longer. I had been wondering how long or how many pounds it would take to see a change in my clothes. Years ago a rule of thumb was lose ten pounds go down a dress size. That has never worked for me. Maybe because my body is so disproportioned. Different designs fit differently and the cost of the clothes sometimes makes a difference too. I have been avoiding trying on anything that I don't normally wear because I just didn't want to be reminded that I wasn't quite where I wished to be. This morning, however, I wanted to wear a certain jacket and the only thing in my closet that would go with it was the blue slacks. Do I dare try? The last time I checked I could hardly get them over my thighs. As I held my breath, which would be practice for what was to come later, I found that I even had a little wiggle room in the upper leg portion of the pants. I think Zumba and the time I’ve been spending on the bike was paying off. While the legs weren’t skin tight, the waist was … so I took a big deep breath and yep got it buttoned. They were tight but I was determined to claim victory and wear my navy blue outfit.

I really want to keep with my schedule of the gym on Thursday nights. The last couple of weeks Gary has gone with me. He has been under the weather all week and I knew I shouldn’t bother asking him about going. I really need someone, not really to exercise with, but just go … it would give me that push and motivation I need but since I don’t, I’ve got to dig down deep and convince myself it’s the thing to do and not call the game due to whimpyness. I did go to the gym. Maybe the motivation tonight was what I wore to work this morning . The time on the bike was just like Zumba was on Tuesday night and that was that it was over before I knew it. I even did an additional five minutes on the bike, thanking it for my results. It’s a new friend that I promised to hang out with.

Keep Moving

Yesterday was a much better day. Things do seem to have a way of working out. I was pretty busy at work, which is a blessing in itself. It doesn't give me a lot of time sitting around and let my mind wander ... usually in the wrong direction. George is back in the office for a couple of hours each day since his horseback accident and it makes the workday more routine.

Yesterday when I went out to pick up something for our lunch (George was buying), it seemed like I had to pass more homeless people and their signs than usual. I always feel bad walking past these individuals, keeping my head down focused away from them, wondering if I'm turning my back on someone that really needs help. I even took an alternate route back to the office to avoid this unpleasant reminder but it ended up making no difference. It seems like there was someone on each street corner. I need to realize, however, you can't help everyone and some people just like living the way they are and don't want to change, even if it means living less than a life they could.

I guess it's the same way with losing weight, living healthy and being happy with whom you are along the journey. That doesn't mean you can't ask for help but there are better ways than thinking someone else is going to lift that burden and make it all better. There is work involved on your part and sometimes it tough and you think you can't live any other way than what you're living now. I guess the first step is wanting to change and willing to work to make it happen. I believe that I've taken that step and even though some days I feel a little confused and want to give it all up for that moment or that day, I know all I need to do is look a little deeper within myself, ask myself a few questions, have faith and keep moving and persevering toward that goal.

Lessons Learned

Today is a brand new day and I'm so glad we get that "do over" opportunity. I learned two things you need, that top the list when you're on this journey, and they are rest and water. Lack of those make the task a bit more difficult. I didn't sleep well Monday night and yesterday my foggy mental state seeped into my physical well being. I had already learned that dehydration even on a moderate level can make you tired. However, a lesson learned isn't always practiced. Lack of those two things accompanied by being surrounded by negative situations caused a small relapse for me. I just wanted to totally get away from it all yesterday. To break away from the norm and not to have to think about each step. While my eating wasn't the best, I didn't cast fate to the wind and eat everything in sight or search out those items in cupboards, the freezer or in drawers. I also learned that exercise could be just what is needed to lift that fog and see things a bit more clearly. Yesterday's Zumba class went so quickly and I actually felt so much better on my drive home. I tried hard yesterday to get past all those emotional setbacks and I posted on my Facebook page that I needed a pep talk and had a few responses. I also googled "Pep Talk" and ended up looking at Patton's final pep-talk to the troops. I have decided to change my analogy of sports and having a victory to becoming a soldier and winning the war. I find that in sports it's about the competition. Others are involved that want to win as badly as you. But, even if you're on the same team, some players are better than you are, the so called "Stars". Some times that makes you work harder but it could also be defeating if you're always coming in second. However, when you're engaged in war you're also working as a team, but individual effort is vital, especially to your fellow commrades. You both fighting for that ultimate goal which is freedom. I retreated during yesterday's battle but the war is still mine to win.

A little confused

I weighed in last night with a 1 1/4# loss.

I'm not in the best of moods this morning. I keep writing and then deleting. I'm just too darn negative, so that's my post for the day!

Definitely not bored

Well the weekend was crazy and I didn't get a chance to blog any yesterday because we headed for Lexington pretty early and didn't get home until after 9:00. Let me back up until Saturday though. Saturday was jam packed. We already had purchased our tickets for WAMM Fest but we got a phone call on Friday night from a high school classmate asking if we could join her and her husband and another classmate and his wife for a small get together at their house. I jumped all over the invitation because as head of our reunion committee I'm always trying to put events together and it's nice once in awhile if we're the invitee at smaller gatherings. We tried to hook up with Eileen and Randy on a couple of other occasions but things never seemed to work out. The weather was iffy Saturday for the festival and we hoped any rain would hold off in the morning and early afternoon so we could get both activities in. I still had my craving for a juicy hotdog and circled the food vendors to see which one I would be visiting for lunch. The reggae band that was playing when we got to the park was pretty decent and we didn't have to fight a big crowd probably due to the impending rain that was predicted. I watched a danced troupe and we walked around the art booths. There seemed to more of them this year but nothing really caught my eye or agreed with my pocketbook. We tried a few wine samples including the Slender Wines from Chateau Thomas that I tried that were sugar free. I asked the vendor about the calorie content and found out it was just about the same which made me think ... what's the point? She said they were calories from alcohol and burned faster ... yeah, right? Calories are calories. Time to eat! Only two places had hot dogs and neither were ready yet and we were on a tight schedule, so we opted for pulled pork. It was really good and we had never eaten at this restaurant, so it's some place we may try. I figured pork would be better than a burger or pizza. We sat down and listened to another band, which was playing jazz. We had participated in all but the Microbrewery part of W(ine) A(rt) M(usic) and M(icros) Fest and would have probably stayed longer if we didn't have places to go and people to see.

We got to Eileen's about 3:00 and if wasn't long before the chips and salsa were brought out. I easily passed on those because we were too busy chatting, reminiscing and getting caught up with each other. I'm finding out now, that is really what social events are all about ... the people, not the food. Well, not so much the food anyway. That's the card I was playing Saturday night.

My sister has gone through quite a bit lately with her husband's death and many rounds of chemo and radiation. She finally had been released to go visit her daughter and since Lexington wasn't that far away, we decided to head there early yesterday morning, arrive around noon, visit for awhile and head back home. It was about six hours of driving but it was certainly worth it. She was in very good spirits and I could tell she was glad we made the trip. We don't get to see each other that often and just like other opportunities to see family, I jump at the chance. My niece had a great lite pasta salad for lunch, along with some fresh fruit and I thought it fit the bill with watching what I was eating, especially after having probably a little too much beef the last two nights. I hadn't been on the scales all week and didn't know where I stood but knew I needed to pull back the reins.

So all in all, the weekend was chock-full and I'm dragging this morning. It's good to keep busy but I feel that I overdid it a bit. However, I won't complain because boredom is my worse enemy when it comes to being tempted by putting too much in this body that wants to be more healthy and more defined.

Wandering in the Dark

Yesterday was payday and since we didn't have anything in the house for lunch, I thought we'd go out. We were meeting Gary's brother and his wife for dinner, so I knew two meals out meant I needed to choose wisely for lunch and thought a salad would work. I'm questioning my judgment this morning. I know you really have to be careful because salads can be loaded with calories and sometimes a burger would amazingly have less calories. We headed to O'Charley's and I was really in the mood for a salad. It was hot out and a fresh salad sounded like it would hit the spot. I like their Pecan Chicken salad but I'm not shy to ask for it to be made with grilled chicken instead of the fried pecan crusted kind. I also asked for the blu cheese to be left off. With the balsamic vinnegrette dressing I figured I'd probably cut the points in half. But ..... checking the points/calories this morning (I know, I know, I should have checked first) find that the normal count is 46 points or 1925 calories. WHAT THE? So even with the special ordering and thinking that I surely cut the points by 50% would still mean I would be eating 75% of my points for the day with this meal. How could a salad have that many calories. I started to break it down by using Calorie King.com. The cranberries have 2 points, the oranges have 1, the pecans were 5 and the chicken was 4. The dressing was the biggie at 6.5. Yep, while not 24 or half of the regularly prepared salad, it was still 18.5. That would be okay if it was my main meal of the day but it wasn't going to be.

When we got home I worked on our household budget and then ran some errands before meeting Steve and Pam for dinner. The afternoon whizzed past and while thinking about hitting the gym, I didn't make it there. We were going to the American Legion for dinner as Steve said they had a real good deal on the Prime Rib Friday night special. I've read that prime rib is about the worse cut of beef you can have because of its fat content so I knew that wouldn't be my choice. I did want a steak though, so I ordered the strip. About half way though, I thought mmmm, I'm satisfied, I just take the rest home. The next time I looked down, it was gone. I just kept picking at it and cutting off a piece here and there while I was waiting for everyone else to finish. Another tip that I know, but didn't put to use, was to ask for a to-go container right away and not wait until the check comes. That way it gets the food out of sight. So, eating today was on the high side but I don't think disasterous or at least I wasn't going to let it get me down, I would learn my lesson and move on.

On the way home, I told Gary I was going to sit for a while and then planned to take a walk and asked if he wanted to go with me. About 8:30 we headed out, it was still light out. Our neighborhood is a great place to walk because of all the connecting subdivisions. You can really vary your route and not get bored. I knew that Gary would probably only walk for 30-40 minutes because he was complaining how muggy it was not long after we started. We started out in the opposite direction than we usually go, and before we knew it, the sun was gone and dusk had set in. We continued walking and Gary said "do you know where we are". I really didn't, nothing was that familiar but assumed he did. It now was dark and we saw a pond but there's alot of ponds around us. We kept walking and we had a difference of opinion of what busy street was ahead of us (but I was RIGHT) and we got our bearings. Everything seemed to look different when it was dark and houses were lit up. We started our walk at 8:30 and it was going on 10:00 when we got home. Sounds like a long time saying it that way but it was 70 minutes and maybe it helped work off some of that steak I meant to leave on my plate.

I'm a Good Person

Yesterday I decided to do something different at lunch. Yeah King David's Dogs is still calling but I'm ignoring that for the time being. I had my Lean Cuisine in the break-room freezer and I'd eventually get to it. Instead of my normal routine of spending my lunch hour sitting at my desk getting caught up on Facebook and various weight-loss blogs, I decided it would be a nice day for a walk. It didn't matter if I had already planned on going to the gym tonight, a little more exercise wasn't going to kill me and what doesn't kill ya, makes ya stronger, right? This week the temperatures had been lower along with the humidity, so I thought ... go for it. I headed out in the direction of the canal. Walking by the water just does it for me. It's calming, soothing and spiritual in a way. I had a several blocks to walk before I got there and I started to feel the heat. Was it because of all the cars or the black asphalt on the street? Surely, it would be more comfortable without those factors. I guess I needed to realize that calories are energy and burning energy involves heat and that's what I was feeling. So that's a good thing even though I thought about turning back. By the time I was finished arguing with that voice in my brain about finishing what I start, I was rounding the half way mark of my walk and thinking, well now I'm pretty much committed. Committment reminded me of the story about the chicken and the pig contribution to breakfast.









As I approached the point where I would be leaving the canal and back on the street, I decided to cut through the Government Center. That way I'd be in the air conditioning for about three of my five blocks back to the office. When I worked in the old building prior to our move a few years ago, I used to walk the tunnels of the Government Center a lot. It was convenient because it was close and more comfortable in inclement weather and the winter months but I hadn't done this since we moved. The tricky part is that you enter off the canal into the cafeteria. No problem, I didn't bring any money with me so no temptation there. I walked in behind someone and noticed the security thingy by the door but I was focused on my walking. As I walked down the last corridor, I could see a closed door that had always been opened in the past. When I got there, the door wouldn't open and there was another one of those thingy's. I immediately started to panic. Oh no, it's not like it used to be. I've snuck into a secure building and the police will be here soon. I don't have enough time on my lunch hour to head back to the cafeteria and hope I can get out. I'm a good person, I wasn't trying to doing anything unlawful. Just then, a guy came up behind me and opened the door saying sometimes they're locked, sometimes they're not. I made it back to the office with enough time to have my lunch with no arrest record or being questioned by the Department of Homeland Security. Will I have nightmares tonight about being locked in a cafeteria and interrogated about my food choices? When I got home from work, I changed and Gary and I headed to the Rec Center. My entry here was more routine and I did have my membership card that allowed me to wave it at their thingy and proceed upstairs to the workout area.

I'd like to propose a toast

After Zumba on Tuesday I was spent. I figured it was just the exercise. Gary had dinner pretty much ready when I got home from class and I just sat on the couch after eating. While watching TV, I fell asleep and this is something I rarely do. It took all my strength to climb the stairs to go to bed.

Yesterday I woke up and was dragging. I'll attest to not being a morning person but still at 10:30 I didn't know if I was going to make it through the day without a nap. In my typical fashion, I wondered why ... there always has to be a reason with me.

I thought about dehydration and looked it up on the web. The first symptom of moderate hydration was feeling light headed. Mmmm, maybe that explains last Friday after my workout at the gym. I don't take water with me and I just took a couple of swigs at the water fountain before I left. I felt the light headedness at Zumba too. I did have water with me then but still had a half bottle on my ride home. Fatigue was the next symptom and well that's exactly what I was feeling right now, so WAKE UP CALL. Next, hunger and cravings. So that's why I had planned to ditch my planned lunch in the office and head to my favorite hot dog establishment. The last two didn't slap me in the face as much as the first three. They were water retention and constipation. Since I hadn't been on the scale since my weigh-in on Monday I didn't know if I was up on the scales but I didn't have any obvious swelling.

Thinking back, Monday is a day where I really down the water hoping it will help me lose at the scales. Being in a controlled environment behind my desk I'm more conscious with the glass sitting in front of me. But, I didn't work this past Monday and also didn't do well over the weekend because I was on the go. I've gotten out of the habit and I think I'm paying for it. Once I got the news flash I immediately filled up my glass and after about three of them was starting to feel a little perky. Coincidence ... mmmm, maybe, but I know now that I'm going to keep at it because of what I've learned about the benefits of staying hydrated. So as I raise this glass ... good health to all!

Never Give Up

Yesterday for lunch I brought a Lean Cuisine entree. Normally I buy Smart Ones because they have the point count right on the package. There's a few I go back and buy over and over again. They aren't that good and the portion is sometimes ridiculously small but they get me through for a few hours until dinner. I found what keeps me from overeating is knowing that I can eat again in a few hours and normally it will be something I like. Since I only have 5 or 6 points for lunch, I can normally have a regular portion for dinner. Back to the Lean Cuisine, it was 300 points and the fat content brought it up to 7 points, but boy was it good. The serving seemed to be a little more than the "red box" but I was ready to sacrifice that point in something else.

Tuesday night is Zumba and as I did each routine, I kept asking myself why isn't it getting easier? Do I need to take another class to get in the groove and build up my endurance? I think it's my arms that I having the most trouble with, so I think this week, I'll add to my exercise routine using some weights a couple of times. I refuse to use the "age" card. Sixty is today's 40, right? Or did I reverse that. I can get this and I'm not giving up!

Put Me in Coach

Another Monday rolled around and this one I had looked forward to. I took a personal day to spend the last day of Jacob and Gracie's summer vacation with them. We had planned on going to the zoo and it looked like the weather was going to cooperate. A little different from the oppressive heat we had last week. Unfortunately Jacob had a stomach bug and we were playing things by ear hour to hour and eventually decided to scrap our plans. We still had a nice day together and it felt good to nurture and have it so obviously shown that you're needed.

It was time for me to leave for my TOPS meeting and it felt strange to not know what I was going to face at the scales. I was sure it was going to be a loss but how much? I even had the fear that it would be TOO much. No really, I had been satisfied with my average of 1 1/2# the last few weeks. I thought if I had a big loss, it might prevent me from losing next week and what a gain would do to my ego and my future. Here I didn't even know what tonight was going to bring and I was worrying about next week's weigh-in. Got to stifle that way of thinking.

Vera always sets the scale where you were the previous week. So, when I got on the scale -- our group uses one of those old big upright doctor scales with the weights -- it sat on the bottom which meant a loss. The next question was how much? As Vera moved the bar to my left one pound, the weight still sat there, okay two pounds with no movement, three pounds and she jiggled the main weight to make sure it was in its slot for a true reading -- nothing. Four pounds and my fear about losing too much was starting to be a reality. Five pounds and we were both wondering what the ... At six pounds ...oh she says, I started you ten pounds higher than you were last week. I hadn't noticed it when I initially got on the scale. I stepped down and we started over. My loss for the week was 1 3/4#. Acceptable but yet a little disappointing after thinking I finally was seeing numbers other people had achieved that I had been following on blogs and weight loss shows.

It was our monthly awards program and because I was on vacation last month on awards night, I received a charm for being the best loser in June and also a charm for my ten pound loss. I also received a buck for being runner-up in the weekly category. It was nice to be acknowledged but I've never thought myself to be a competitive person. I've always thought, to have that trait you had to be good at something. I've never been good in sports, music or even board games. However, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy any of those. I have a good time with the involvement and it really doesn't matter if I win or lose, as long as I get to play. Well I'm finally in this weight game and playing again, instead of sitting on the sidelines. A big question now that I am getting good at this and receiving recognition, will I start to be a little bit more competitive? Or the even bigger question ... am I really getting good at this?

A Fun Day

Yesterday was to be a day of fun and I was ready. After we went to 9:00 mass, we circled back home to pick up our swimsuits and food and headed down to Ann and Dave's cottage on Lake Lemon. We knew we wouldn't be eating until late afternoon, so Gary wanted to stop on the way and get a sandwich. Trafalgar was our last chance that had any fast food and I knew there was a Dairy Queen there where I could stay OP with a B-B-Q sandwich. The parking lot looked empty though and we found out that they weren't opened yet. We drove down the way where there was a Burger King where I thought I could get a grilled chicken but didn't find that on the drive-thru board so as Gary started to order, I told him that I didn't want anything. I eyed a Subway sign and told Gary as I jumped out of the car, that I was going to walk over there while he waited on the food. He yelled back "I ordered you onion rings and a drink". On the short jaunt to Subway I thought about my encounter with Onion Rings on Monday and the lesson learned and knew it wouldn't be me that ate those onion rings. This was a new side of me. Normally I would just settle and not inconvenience anyone with my special needs.

We arrived at the lake, being the first guests to arrive, but before long everyone was there and we were loading the boat with coolers and snacks. It was another hot day and a good one to spend on the water. We headed over to the beach where we pulled the boat up and docked for awhile. I liked my new swimsuit but I still wore my coverup unless I was in the water. Even though I felt like a new me that wasn't going to deprive mysself of fun while I was transforming, I wasn't ready to come out entirely and expose myself, but I was a little more comfortable. This year I was determined to get in the water and have fun which meant putting on a swimsuit and that was a big step. We waded around in the water and I rode the waverunner which I could feel in my arms this morning from holding on so tight and bouncing up and down. I was really surprised at all the good healthy snacks people brought for the boat besides the carrot and celery that I brought. There was other veggies, fresh fruit and hummus and crackers. There was also chocolate chip cookies that I managed to avoid. After spending some time at the beach Dave drove the boat over to a cove, where he anchored and we all jumped in the water, and floated around. I kept moving by swimming, floating or treading water. It was a form of exercise and it was fun.

Around 4:00 we headed back to the cottage where Ann had marinated some pork tenderloin and Dave put those on the grill. We had a great meal together accompanied by the side dishes we brought. I had discovered I liked three bean salad, so that was my contribution. We visited some more after we ate and then it was time to head home. What a wonderful day.

Deserving

Got up at 8:00 yesterday morning and didn't feel too bad although Gary greeted me when he came in from his walk with "how ya feeling ... you still look a little out of it". I'm not a morning person, so maybe that was it. My wonderful husband fixed me breakfast and I worked on putting some of our vacation pictures in an album. It's not exactly scrapbooking. After I get all the pictures in the album, I'll go back and embelish the pages with stickers and some narrative. One of my non-weight goals is to work on all the pictures we've taken over many years and get them in a form where they can be enjoyed instead of in a box, on a CD or in a file on the computer. It will be an outlet when I feel bored or want to engross myself in something instead of gazing into the fridge or pantry.

After doing some Saturday morning chores, it was getting to be lunchtime. Where it came from I have no idea, but I had a craving for a gas station hot dog. I did a search on the net and found there was about 8 points in this gourmet lunch. It's what I wanted and you're not suppose to deprive yourself of what you want, right? I could work it into my plan but it would it be all that I could have for lunch, one lonely hot dog on a bun. Was I sure it was what I wanted. While I was doing my search on Dottie's Weight Loss Zone, I happened across the point values at McAlisters and thought mmmmm, they have an under 500 calorie menu ... That's what I really wanted and that's where we headed for lunch.

After lunch I had some unfinished business to take care of, that being swimsuit shopping. I wasn't going to give up on that. Although, I was a bit disappointed yesterday I was worth the effort to continue my search. I dropped Gary off at home and headed to the mall. I parked by VonMar so that was my first encounter with limited choices. I normally wear a 16 but the only suit I liked was an 18. I've been trying to convince myself not to get hung up on numbers. My frustration with numbers on the scale, kept me off of them this week after Stephanie's challenge and I knew I shouldn't get hung up on numbers on labels either. Well it didn't look too bad but the top was a little big ... what's new, I've always been out of proportion that way. The other factor was while it was a good buy being on sale, it was still sixty bucks. Did I want to spend that much on a suit that hopefully by next year, I'd be too small for ... especially on top since that's the first place I lose weight. I continued to the next store which was Penney's. I found a couple of suits, one was a 16 and the other I couldn't find the size but it looked about the same and it had a skirt. When I got in the dresssing room, I found the size of the skirted suit was a size 12. Do I even attempt to get it over my biggest flaws. It must be because of the stretchiness of the spandex but it went over my hips and butt. After I tried both on, I decided that although I wasn't totally turned off by either of them, I would continue looking. After five more stores with no success, I headed back to Penney's. When I left the dressing room there, I gave the suits to the gal manning the try-on room and she hung them up on a rack, so I thought they'd be easy locate. Well, upon my return the rack was empty, so I headed over to the rack with the swim suits. There were several yellow and black suits but none in the size 16 that I tried on. The size 12 floral was missing too. Hang in there, Sheilah don't get frustrated maybe one of the other size 12 might fit if it was cut right. I found one but it was polka dots. The but came from Gary making a crack about polka dots when we were watching "Project Runway" the other night. But I liked it. Looking at it after I tried it on, I fantazied with the adjustable straps, that it would be something I could wear next year with a flatter belly and smaller thighs, if I didn't stretch it out too much in the couple of times I'd wear it before next suitsuit season.

Swimsuit shopping wasn't the diaster I have always envisioned it to be. I actually enjoyed time to myself doing something just for me. Was it the attitude that I went into this little expedition with, about deserving something good for me? Yeah, could be. I'm looking forward to getting together with friends. Maybe I'll even try water skiing.

Too Much

Why should the weekend be any different? It's just another day or series of days isn't it? Every day is a brand new start isn't it, but those days are "my" days. Activiites that I do for myself and my family. Is it because of less committment or that I can vary my activities. I don't know but I live for the weekend and I am very jealous that Gary is retired and has one long weekend with vacations inbetween.

I had thoughts running through my head for weekend activities as I left the office at noon yesterday. Gary had mentioned going shoe and grocery shopping when I got home. I thought that also included going out for lunch and was anticipating what sounded good and would fit into my plan. When he mentioned that there was ham in the fridge, I thought why not save some money and I'd be able to keep a thumb on my point intake too, so we had lunch at home.

While we were at Target looking at the shoes that rated high in Consumer reports I got the courage to try on swimsuits ... mistake. We're going to a friend's place on a lake Sunday and I needed a new suit. One piece of clothing that I really feel uncomfortable in is a swimsuit. The one I had wasn't too bad because the bottom is like gym shorts and the top like a tank top but I recently put my finger though it pulling it up over my oversized hips. Anyway, it's the end of the season and I thought maybe there would be a good sale. Well, the selection was very limited and the two I tried on were unacceptable. They showed off all the major flaws that I didn't want to be reminded of. I was done and didn't want to think abaout what I would face Sunday.

My next plan for the afternoon was to hit the gym. Boy did I ever need that ... literaly, I need to be in the gym for about ten hours straight from what I just witnessed. I did my bike and treadmill work and walked out into the furnance. We've had oppressive heat for the last few days and it was even difficult to breathe. I asked Gary if we could go to the bookstore before we did the grocery shopping. I wanted to see if there was anything that I might to want to order for my Kindle and see if they have any Zumba DVD's. As I walked in I felt a bit lightheaded and by the time I got to a chair at the back of the store my vision was somewhat impaired. Had I overdid it at the gym or maybe a combination of working out and the heat. I decided to go home, forgo the grocery and relax the rest of the day. We had our normal Friday night fried rice but I went to bed shortly after dinner hoping I wasn't getting sick. I needed all my strength as I still had things to do and people to see because it was the weekend.

Fun, fun, fun

Feeling pretty chipper this morning. It helps that it's Friday and I only work half days on Friday. Yesterday went smoothly and during the workday it was pretty routine. Had my normal morning breakfast of Honey Bunches of Oats and brought a bologna (reduced fat) sandwich and a banana for lunch. I must admit that the weekly breakfast needs some shaking up. It's starting to get old having the same thing day in and day out. I say that after Gary has bought 4 boxes of this cereal. I like the variety that has pecan clusters and it isn't always easy to find, so he always buys several packages when he sees it. Boring can be a negative trigger in your daily diet or exercise ritual, so I need to be aware and change things around if only for a short time, so I don't loose my edge.

We watched Jacob and Gracie while Stephanie and Jim went to "Back to School" night. We ended up going to Fazolis and I told Gary that I wanted the small spaghetti and meatballs. Come to find out they don't have the smaller size anymore, so I thought no problem I'll just eat half of it. I ended up giving Jacob quite a bit off my plate plus a meatball after he had inhaled his slice of pizza. I don't know why I get these epiphany's until after I consume my meal, but this morning I thought I should have ordered a kids spaghetti and meatballs for myself. It would have been cheaper and the portion size would be right and I wouldn't be faced with the question of can I have one more bite when looking down at a plate full of spaghetti. I feel guilty though about ordering a kids meal. Is it because I think it's dishonest or is it the fear of being told no you can't have that, it for kids. I guess I need to change my way of thinking. Restaurants definitely serve too much on a plate. It's hard to throw food away with my upbringing of not wasting food still instilled in me. But, I'm finally at the point where I don't want it to go to my waist either.

I heard a frightening statistic yesterday and that was 37% of adults in Indiana were overweight. Well that really wasn't all that front-page news. In fact, I thought the percentage would have been higher. The shocker was that 42% of Indiana's children were obese. That's right, more children than adults have a weight problem. After reading Stephanie's post yesterday and hearing these statistics, I realized that something has to be done to safeguard our kids from an unhealthy future. It's not only the eating, but also the lack of exercise. So many kids are spending their time indoors in front of a TV or computer or for that matter one of those hand held gadgets. They need to get out and run and play and do what I find all my grandchildren are doing and that is using their imagination while being active and still having fun. Fun isn't just for kids though, I plan to have some myself this weekend.

Obsession

Why am I noticing so many scales. A scales in the bathroom at work, in magazines, at the store and I about tripped over ours in the dining room last night when Gary didn't push it back under the cabinet. I told him that Stephanie said to hide it. I guess it's just on my mind and it really shouldn't be. I think I've become too all engrossed in this diet thing. It seems like it's all I think, eat and sleep. The world is revolving around it and it shouldn't .... should it? I mean it's good to stay focused and make good choices but to become obsessed can't be a good thing. I'm taking it with a grain of salt because it's something new I've incorporated into my life and once it becomes more routine, it will become just that ... a part of living.

The past two days I have done well with eating ... and really with exercise too. I had my Zumba class on Tuesday and I seem to be getting in the groove. I'm more familiar with the music and the moves. There are favorites and ones that I'm not quite able to perfect just yet. She even put a couple of new tunes and moves in the routine and one I really liked. I have re-uped for the next six weeks. Last night I went to the gym. We renewed our membership there too and while it's only fifty bucks for the year, I still want to use it on a regular basis. It's a good outlet now, especially, because it is too hot to do any walking in the neighborhood.

I have been OP with my eating and last night even incorporated a glass of wine. Life is good when you work it right. Yesterday I had to take some things out to my boss who is recuperating at home after a nasty fall from a horse. One of the things was a tin of cookies from a colleague. He opened the goodies while I was there and of course offered me one. How could I refuse? Well, it goes like this. No thanks. I felt bad for about a 30 seconds and moved on.

Last night I had a call from my son, Erick. It's always good to hear his voice and hear how everyone is doing. He is planning on coming in for a Colts game and while I won't get to see him but for only a few hours, I cherish what time we have together. I need to have things to look forward to and some plans are coming together for the next couple of months. I'm taking the day off on Monday to spend with our grandkids, Jacob and Gracie, before they head off to school on Tuesday and I'm hoping there's nothing on Kim and Erick's schedule, so we can spend Labor Day weekend with them in Maryland. We also have planned a few days of R&R in Tunica.

So, today I'm more positive. It's going to be a great day and I'm noticing all the little things that make it great.

Are you sure?

I have been challenged and I accept the challenge to stay off the scales this week. Something needed to be fixed in my relationship with them and maybe separation will be good. My first thought was to analyze the situation. Why do I weigh myself? Do I believe in the numbers game, is weighing daily a positive or a negative? It was then I realized that I always tend to blow things out of proportion, making them bigger than what they should be. Overall, it tenses me up and makes me sweat the small stuff needlessly. This is a lifestyle I'm trying to incorporate into my life and not some big drama day after day. My main goal is to enjoy life and be happy and not create roadblocks that will prevent me from doing that and sometimes making myself miserable. I will now set out to find value in knowing that I stayed on plan, that I exercised, that I played it forward by sending a card to a friend, encouraging them in their quest.

As also was suggested, I have switched my numbers game from the scales to counting point and being vigilant about doing that. I had become lax in keeping track and made the mistake of running the totals in my head. Not to analyze, but I don't think that I was being honest or consistent. An example was Monday after my TOPS meeting when we went to Steak N Shake for dinner after the meeting. From past experience I knew the point count in a double steakburger with cheese and a small fry and it worked into my plan. Monday, I heard someone mention onion rings. Mmmm, that sounded good, they should be about the same calorie count. My logic was that a potato was certainly more calories than an onion and the portion size of the onion rings was smaller about 6 or 7 in an order. Well .... you know what they say when you ASSUME. Let me break it down ... it makes an ASS of U & ME. There's also a carpentry rule about measure twice ... cut once. It helps prevent the disaster and need to start over. Check your calories or points before you put it in your mouth. Make sure you know the value don't assume, don't guess.

By the way there are 790 calories in onion rings and 440 calories in fries. The points are 19 vs. 10. WAKE UP CALL! This threw my points off for the day but I didn't let it throw me for a loop. An adjustment will be made and I relish the knowledge I attained to help me in the future.

Something's Got to Give

It's been awhile ... probably too long since I've written. Friday was the start of my downward spiral and although writing is therapeutic, I wasn't in the mood. I have tried very hard to stay on track but seem to be dictated by the scales. I know, I know, I know ... they fluctuate. I know all about hormones and water weight and atmospheric pulls. I wish someone would 'splain that to my emotional side. Stay off the scales, you say? Well I kind of did that. I didn't weigh until Friday but knew I needed to get on the scales because of my overindulgence the day before and I wanted to keep myself in check. I did write a note on Friday to the TOPS loop I'm on and I was going to expand on that here on my blog but it never happened. Here's my note to the group.

I got up this morning and put on a pair of jeans (it's casual day at work) and
they felt tight. After getting dressed I headed downstairs to get on the
scales. I hadn't been on them since Monday morning and was hoping to see a loss but just had this feeling. As I took each stair, I felt the soreness in my legs from spending three nights this week at the gym. I got on the scales as softly (like that makes a difference) as I could and stood there a second before I opened my eyes. Yep, there it was ... a gain of over a pound. My first reaction was thinking a few choice words and then came the WHY. Surely my one off day didn't mean a gain, especially with the extra exercise and then came the logical reasoning (yeah right) ... the rice last night still needed digesting. I should have waited another day to weigh myself. I am so tired of this roller coaster ... so, Sheilah why not just get off? Because the ride's not over. It doesn't actually come back into the station until I get on the official scales at TOPS on Monday. So, I'll keep holding my breath or screaming at the top of my lungs to the tune of something like "get me off of here". But, who knows maybe with a loss on Monday night, I'll find myself back in line.

Gary and I had a big night planned for Friday. We were going to see "Rent" and I had a BOGO for Fogo's, a Brazilian Steakhouse. I really watched what I ate all day and tried not to overindulge with all the succulent cuts of meat at Fogo. To be perfectly honest, I was a little disappointed with the evening.

Saturday I slept until about 7:30 and felt pretty good. Last week I mentioned about staying in bed too long and said I was going to try to get up when I first awoke this weekend, but sleeping in was just too tempting. I got on the scales Saturday morning and they didn't budge. I wanted to turn things around from last weekend where I felt nothing was accomplished and kept busy with various tasks until it was time to get ready to go downtown to "The Taste of Downtown" at Easley's Winery. Again, I ate lightly because I knew we would be eating at food booths but I was going to choose wisely there. I was determined to have a loss come Monday. What a waste of time. To start off we couldn't find a parking space and ended up walking several blocks which would have been okay except for the heat. The line for tasting at the winery was back almost to the door. We tried to get there early, but I guess it wasn't early enough and there were only four or five food booths and some of them were restaurants I never heard of. I was expecting most of the downtown eating establishments to be represented but I was sure wrong about that. The band we wanted to hear wouldn't be playing for over 90 minutes, so we just walked the circuit around the area, looked at a few of the old cars that were on display and left, asking each other where we were going for dinner. Wherever it was, I was going to be in control.

Sunday morning's face-off with the scales saw a miniscule movement but still no loss for the week. I was starting to get ticked. We had no plans for the day, so we headed to Horseshoe Casino. I knew that Gary was chomping at the bit to gamble after his good fortune when we were on vacation and thought I'd just play a few slot machines and take my Kindle to read. It was a light breakfast at home before we left and I had no idea what would happen for lunch or dinner. That's really a bad move. I need pre-planning. There was a big fiasco at the casino with the slot machines. They weren't printing vouchers when you cashed out and you had to wait for a hand pay. I didn't even bother because I knew I'd grow impatient and ended up playing the machine until my money ran out. Gary played for a couple of hours and on our way out, a Horseshoe Employee offered us free food comps for our inconvenience. We ended up going to the buffet ... oh, Lord what am I going to do! Well, I settled for a slice of beef, vegetables and a couple spoonfuls of dressing. I knew to stay away from the salad because it tends to make me hold water. I wasn't satisfied, I was bummed about not playing the machines, and I was still ticked about my measure of success with the scales this morning. Okay, I've had it ... I'm gonna get what I want. I made my way back to the buffet, looking at the mac n cheese, continued walking around and then over to the dessert table staring at the banana cream pie, back circling the main buffet like I was ready to pounce at any moment and then back to the table where Gary was sitting with nothing acting like a defeated dog with my tail between my legs. I had really won a battle but yet felt defeated.

Moving on to yesterday morning. Up and at 'em. The scale would surely show me what I wanted to see after my sacrifice the day before. Damn scales ... I've had it. It's not worth all the aggravation and emotional drama I'm putting myself though. It's just not in the cards for me to lose. I'll have to be satisfied with things the way they are. I'm not a person that can eat sprouts, tofu and brown rice. I get enjoyment from eating and if I have to pay the price for that then ... bring it on. My mood was dictated all day by those crazy scales. I felt I was only a speck, easily flicked away as some insignificant annoyance hanging around. I couldn't do anything right and as the day went on, I felt the pull downward. There must have been some hope deep inside though, because I was drinking water like I was living in a desert to flush out some of those fat cells and excess water I thought maybe I was holding.

As I showed up at my TOPS meeting, awaiting my moment of truth, I felt a glimmer of hope just being surrounded by friends facing the same struggle but yet succeeding. I finally realized that I was succeeding too no matter what was about to happen as I stepped on that metal monster. Geez, what kind of cruel game is this .... I had lost one pound. I was exhausted from all the drama. I couldn't even revel in my success. Was it just a number? I'm not sure. Where's the hallelujah. It just wasn't in me like the week before when I went below that hashmark. I've got to regain that enthusiasm some how or I'm not going to make it. I'm just so tired of it all, but there's still seems to be something inside of me that is making me keep going. I'm hoping something happens soon similar to that runner's high that usually comes right after the point of exhaustion. I sure need it.

Knowing the points before you eat them

NEWS FLASH .... yesterday I went to the gym, again. Why? I'm note sure yet. I don't think it was that I wanted to, more like I needed to. It's not over until it's over and this body has a lot more transforming to do until that time.

Gary had called to say he was taking Jim to the airport and I said that I would go to the gym while he was gone. I needed to work off the lunch I consumed. I didn't have time to make my sandwich and still get to the office on time and I thought well it wouldn't hurt to eat out once a week for lunch. I was thinking Subway but some how between 7:00 a.m. and noon the location got changed. Why in the world I wanted chili when it was 100 degrees outside I haven't a clue but that's where I found myself ... at Charlie and Barney's Chili Parlor. I have no idea how many points I consumed ... wait I just calculated it and it was between 15-20 points which wouldn't be too bad with a low-cal dinner but Gary had already suggested Stromboli's for dinner and that was anything but low calorie. Okay it'll be my high calorie day and that was good enough reason to go to the gym.

Pushing Through

Yesterday's Zumba class was rescheduled. We knew last week there may be a possibility this would happen and it was confirmed on Monday. So what was that going to mean for me. A night in front of the TV with no exercise and nothing accomplished. I knew that's not what I really wanted. In the past, I would have just accepted that fate. When I got home from work, I mentioned to Gary that I wanted to go to the gym since it was too hot to walk outside, did he want to join me? I was trying to use my words probably as I have a tendency to come across in an "all about me" fashion or so I'm told. He said "now" and I replied, well I was checking to see if he wanted to go before or after dinner. From his body language and continued questioning, I knew he didn't want to go period. So, there ya go, I got another "out" from exercising.

Whoa, I'm not finished. What happened next was I told him that he didn't need to go, that I could go by myself and he could have dinner ready when I got home ... oops, did I revert back to telling him what I wanted instead of including him and ASKING him his opinion. I guess I'm a "work in progress" on all fronts. I think he was relieved. He already planned on cooking dinner, so my comment didn't bother him. He was supporting me in doing what I needed to do.

I grabbed my IPOD and was off. The gym was busy. I guess a lot of people stop after work. I positioned myself on a bike and switched on the music to get me through 20 minutes. I pushed the IPOD's button again and nothing. I knew I should have checked to see if it needed charged before I left. Could I do this without the distraction of music or should I just leave now. I said to myself ... okay, I'll try for 5 or 10 minutes. I then started to push myself. I could do this no matter what ... I just kept telling myself to push harder, push harder. A few times during the twenty .... YES TWENTY minutes I went as fast as I could for one minute getting the RPM's up to almost 100 instead of 70 range I normally hit. I told myself surely I could get through 60 seconds at this speed. I'd look away from the timer and guess at what would be 30 seconds and then look and tell myself what's 15 more and then when it got to 50 would count down the last 10 seconds like they do on "Biggest Loser". I got my 20 minutes in and headed to the treadmill. I grabbed a magazine and hoped that it would make the time go faster but for some reason couldn't get interested in anything so it was just walk, look at the timer, walk, adjust some settings, walk, convince myself it was worth it, walk and finally the time was up and at least I had the reward of dinner waiting for me when I got home. I had also burned up a few extra calories. When you've finished exercising, I've heard and read other people say aren't you glad now that it's over, that you did it. Well I was just glad that it WAS OVER. Next time I will have an IPOD that is charged and playing but I know that I'll also continue to push myself.

Out with the Old

I got up this morning tired but feeling good. Yesterday was a good day all the way around. I went out to George's about 10:30 and he loaded me up with work (mainly typing thank you notes) for the rest of the day. There's much to be said about having something to do ALL day. Busyness also keeps the mind occupied and I didn't think once about eating.

Last night there was just a weigh-in because we had a pool party scheduled at Vera's. I was confident I had a loss, although the scales were up a little from Sunday. I really craved a Sunday morning breakfast, gave into the craving, so maybe that's the reason, but the overall result was still down for the week. FLUCTUATION, keep remembering that. The only disappointment was that Sunday when I weighed, I got past that hash mark that I had strived to come back from vacation with and found it wasn't meant to be. I at least achieved my goal of a no-gain vacation. I didn't post anything Sunday because I was holding my breath that it really happened but come Monday morning found that prize was just a figment of my imagination on the UNofficial scales.

I drank water throughout the day. If I can do that on Monday trying to flush out a loss, why can't I do it the rest of the week? I weighed on the scales at work before I left and it looked like the water exercise didn't work this time. I was still above that hash mark. I had to set my mind in the right direction and be thankful for my loss ... that was my main focus, right?

Drum roll ... on the official scales a loss of 1.5# and 1/2# on the other side of the hash mark. My breath is taken away once more but I'm not holding it, it a long cleansing breath to get ready for next 4 1/2# stripped from my frame, my goal for August.

Vera gives out report cards every month showing our progress for the month and for the year. I find that I'm now in double digits from the beginning of the year. Another accomplishment to cheer about. It's still very easy to be critical of only 10 pounds but I'm not looking at it that way. I'm looking at my new path, my new thinking, my new zest for life and it's only going to get better.

Get Over It

I felt pretty much out of it all weekend. A weekend that I couldn't wait to get there. I think a good part of it was the disappointment I felt when I didn't get some things done that I thought about doing.

There were distractions and a good bit of laziness. I just wasn't on my game. It was almost like I didn't have a plan although I did vision getting things done around the house that had been neglected since we returned from vacation. When I get in one of those moods I seem to be paralyzed not knowing when to zig or zag, so I do nothing.

I feel like a failure in everything. I need to remember that life is made up of many plans you have for yourself and some of them overlap. I was successful in staying on the plan that would make the scales clunk tonight. So, that's a good thing. But this feeling of worthlessness can be dangerous. Why? Because I'm not happy. I need to find joy in anything and everything. Joy keeps your moving. Joy keeps you positive. Gary says I over-analyze and maybe I do. Nothing had to be done this weekend. Okay, maybe some laundry and I did do that but what is this guilt feeling that's gnawing away at me that I didn't get the house in order and wade through all the paperwork I wanted to. It can wait. It'll still be there tomorrow or the next day and no adverse result is going to come from not doing anything until then. It's the all or nothing in me and that's something I need to get a handle on.

All weekend, I kept thinking nothing is getting done. I'd do a load of laundry and an hour later think nothing is getting done. I'd go through some bills and pay them and an hour later think nothing is getting done. I went to a very enlightening meeting with a speaker that kindled the fire in me and a concert where I relaxed and enjoyed the music and think the weekend was a total waste. There is something definitely wrong with this picture.

As I ramble on, I finally see the problem. It's letting go. Moving on. Forgive and forget. Much like a bad day of eating. It's over, done, finished. Nothing you can do about the past except learn from it. Make wiser decisions in the future. Be ready for the distractions and not let them stop you in your tracks. Make a better plan, set a timetable, if needed. Relish the accomplishments.

Okay, I'm "Over It". It's going to be a great day and a great weigh-in tonight!

What gives?

I started off yesterday's blog with the post that I slept an hour later than on workdays. Well, today it was a couple of hours later than normal and it wasn't worth it. By the time I got moving and had breakfast, it seemed that the morning was half gone AND wasted. I've got to get up when I wake up the FIRST time, if it's at a decent hour. Maybe I'll be dragging at first but I'll eventually get going and feel better that I'm getting something accomplished. As I write this, I know it easier said than done but next weekend, I'll give it a try.

Yesterday there were many mixed emotions. The first thing I did was get on the scale. No movement. Were they stuck? I was positive I’d see progress this morning. I instinctly picked up a glass bowl of apples off the table and got back on the scale. Up 4#, nope they’re working I thought, as I jumped off the scale because I didn’t want to see the numbers go up under any circumstances. I still was curious and got back on a third time and saw almost a full pound loss. Did the scale have a memory chip that when my familiar feet hit, it just spit out the information in the memory. What gives, what can I believe? Well, I was going to believe in that the third time’s the charm weigh-in that morning and hope it set my tone for the day.

I planned to go to a TOPS area meeting that was being held on the southside of Indianapolis. Several members of my chapter were going to be there and I was interested in hearing the guest speaker, the TOPS President. When I left for the meeting around 8:30, Gary asked what time I’d be home. I told him that the meeting should be over around 11:00, as that was normally the timeframe. The meeting sometimes tend to be a little boring as chapter after chapter had members come up to get their awards and have their weight loss announced. It was part of the program that I hadn’t been included in for many, many years and usually those in my own chapter never had the numbers the other losers had. Like I said sometimes it made for a long boring meeting.

The theme for the meeting was “Christmas in July” but I wasn’t there for a party, I was mainly there to support my chapter and to hear Barbara Cady. As she started speaking, I could see that she was using sailing as an analogy. How ironic is that with Gary’s sailing adventure earlier this summer which was at the same time I started on my own voyage starting with the mini-seminar that I hosted. I remember one quote that Barbara used … “the ship isn’t going anywhere unless you untie the rope”. I had untied my rope and let go of the fear of failing to be able to get to that far away port that had so much to offer. Her presentation was very inspiring and while my fire was burning brightly, it’s always good to add what it needs to keep it burning.

I was finally headed to my car at 1:30 and that’s when I was hit with the emotion of guilt. I had planned to work on the house today and get all the vacation laundry out of the living room. But the day was about gone (not really, but it was in my mind). Instead of doing something when I got home, I just sat on the couch and fretted feeling even worse. Boy is that familiar but it didn’t have anything to do with eating this time. We were going to a community concert at Greenwood’s amphitheater tonight and I felt the day was shot.