Alone and Ashamed

Well, we're back home in Indiana after a great trip east. We took a side trip/detour home and got in after dinner last night. When I woke up yesterday my mood was still on the down side. I really tried to do things to cheer myself up. I prayed, I counted my blessings, as we drove I looked at the beautiful things God had created. It just wasn't working. I had done okay at breakfast. The hotel had a great spread but I made sure I wasn't over five points as I didn't know what the rest of the day held. I can't even remember as I write this what we did for lunch. Let me think a minute . . . I was thinking I wanted Subway ... oh, that's right, Gary suggested Wendy's and I knew by past experience their dollar menu Chicken Sandwich and a baked potato had been in my plan for past lunches. Although, Gary was sitting there reading the nutritional information on the back of the placemat and found that the hamburger off the dollar menu and a small chili would have less calories. So, next time I'm going with that.

Anyway ... onto the topic of the post. When I got home, I got on the computer and logged into blogger. I really didn't expect to see any comments and that's okay because before I got back to blogging a couple of weeks ago, I know I was gone for a long time and of those 28 followers many have given up blogging but then for some reason I decided to look at my stats. I thought I looked at it right ... but what I saw was that there were NO page views yesterday. I really felt alone. This staying focused and disciplined and accountable is tough. Yesterday I just felt I couldn't do it alone. I expressed my frustration and weakness on yesterday's blog and it didn't matter because no one was reading to care anyway. I really know better ... my family cares, my TOPS family cares and maybe those couple of people that stop by my blog occasionally and read it, maybe they care too. But, it shouldn't matter. I should be my own cheerleader. I'm the one that's putting the work into it. I'm making the decisions ... both good ones and some not so good.

And up until yesterday, it didn't matter. I didn't need anyone. I was doing well and I was confident that I could do it on my own without any outside assistance. I even felt that I could be the one helping others with their shortcomings and confidence boosting. What a difference a day makes, huh?

The Ashamed part came right before I posted this entry. I logged into Blogger to post and saw that I had a comment from Tess (thanks, Tess). A comment that was dated yesterday. I decided to look at the stats from yesterday again and saw that I had 14 views. Not a paparazzi following but ....

Anyway, maybe it was all in the mood I was in ... which by the way has lifted today. I'm back at home, out of the car, into the routine and ready to get back on track.

Frustration threw me off the edge ... or did I jump?

We left Erick's about 8:30 a.m. and headed toward Charleston, WV where we were spending the night. When we were on the interstate, I checked voicemail at the office. There was a message from my boss who wanted me to send an email for him. I should have checked VM's before I left. We stopped at a McDonald's where they had WIFI and I attempted to get into my email with no luck. Of course, while we were there, we had breakfast which meant a Sausage Biscuit for me. I guess this is where my frustration started to perculate. We stopped at DQ for lunch which I allowed myself. I'm always a little sad when we head home, missing the family. My next bit of frustration came in the form of aggressive driving. Gary has become more patient as he has gotten older, except when it comes to driving. Maybe it's just a guy thing, but it frustrates me to no end. It immediately put me in a bad mood. One I couldn't shake. I went from frustrated to incredibly sad.

I noticed then that anything I did or tried to do wasn't working out the way I wanted. In fact, I was pretty much going to blow off writing this blog post altogether but these are the things I need to express and come clean about.

We grabbed something quick for dinner which meant a sandwich and fries. The fries I ordered for lunch I only ate about half of but the dinner ones were gone and I didn't even realize it until they were gone.

I was bound and determined I was going to end the night on a positive note. The hotel had a workout room and I took advantage of it to gain control of my emotions or maybe blow off some steam.

I found this elephant in the bathroom in our room. It should have made me smile, reminding me of Disney World or a cruise where you often find these creations.

Today has to be a better day.

How Many Times Do I Have To . . .

Yesterday was a special day for a special little girl. It was my granddaughter, Katherine's fourth birthday. We celebrated on Saturday with her party, but Sunday was a day especially for Katherine. She had her favorite picks for all the meals today which weren't exactly diet friendly, but this was her day. I felt I succeeded, although there were some major temptations, as well as a handful of eligible excuses.

When I went downstairs I discovered Dunkin' Donuts. I'm a donut lover and like Katherine the chocolate frosted ones are my favorite, but when she asked me what kind I wanted I told her I was going to pass, so that I could have some other food later in the day. Kim did fix some eggs but again I was savin' up. I know that it's not a good thing to go without breakfast, but it wouldn't be long until lunch so I thought this one time would be okay.

We had lunch at CiCi's Pizza and I started with salad so I would have a feeling of fullness when I went back for pizza. I'm not that big of a fan for their pizza but for some reason it looked pretty good. I knew I wanted a slice of their BBQ pizza and also grabbed a piece of some kind that had ham and some other stuff on it. Both were the best CiCi's Pizza I have ever eaten. Two pieces were going to be my limit ... but. Out of nowhere the excuses started popping in my head. Hey, you're on vacation ... you've been pretty good, what's one off day going to do ... you're not weighing in on Monday, you'll have a whole other week. Those slices were on the small side. Nope, I'm going to do this, I've come this far and by golly this time I'm gonna finish what I started. I walked out of Katherine's lunch pick with my plan intact.

When we got back to the house, I caught up on some reading and the family played another round of games. On the counter by the table where we sit around for games, conversation, snacks, etc., has been a couple of bowls with candy ... M&M's and Junior Mints. I bet I've walked passed those candies 50 times this weekend. Did I notice them every time? Yep, pretty much. Did I have one ... no, not a one. Did I ever feel my hand reaching for them? Yep, a couple of times. How many times do I have to ask myself, do you really want that? Maybe until I don't notice it or don't feel myself reaching. I was holding out for another meal with my family. Our last one together this trip and I was holding on to those feelings ... happy feelings.

Party Time

I didn't sleep well the first night we got to Erick's. Didn't know if it was because of the high winds or just being in a different bed, just know that I kept waking up and having to turn over. That didn't stop me from sleeping in though. No alarm, so I didn't have to deal with the snooze resolution. Before I got in the shower, I saw the scale on the floor. I don't know what came over me, because I usually try to avoid a scale, especially when we're traveling. I saw a number that I haven't seen in a long time and I was happy. Granted it was a different scale, so I know not to get too excited, but I've been trying and am hoping for the best.

Katherine's birthday party was this afternoon. She's so excited. Kelly finished up decorating the cake and it came out great. We had lunch before the party. Erick made a run to Wendy's. I pulled up their menu online and decided to go with the Apple Pecan Chicken Salad. It would have been wonderful except for the blu cheese crumbles, but still it was pretty good. I think the salads are made up ahead of time, so I don't know if I could have ordered one without the blu cheese or not. I made another stride and that was not to pop a couple of half eaten chicken nuggets in my mouth as I was clearing the table. It's that mindless eating that you're not even aware of that can get something going after you've done it.

At the party I probably should have stayed away from the summer sausage and crackers but did back away before diaster hit and I did have my one piece of cake, but that was planned. Dinner was at Red Hot and Blues and I just had a BBQ sandwich and cole slaw ... no fries. It still not getting any easier but I'm doing better.

We're Here

Changes can come about by observation. I realized something that had been a habit with me. At lunch yesterday I did something I haven't done in a long time, if ever, and that was to eat a sandwich by itself when eating out. It always had to be accompanied by fries, chips, soup or something. It doesn't sound like such a big deal but it can be when you watching and limiting your intake. Everyone's heard of time management but there's also food management. While I was eating my tuna salad sandwich, it felt like some was missing, even though my sandwich was satisfying just because I wasn't used to it because basically it had become a habit.

We had about four more hours to drive and I made use of it by reading blogs on my Kindle and going through some magazines pulling out recipes, nutrition and weight related articles. I had subscribed to some magazines when the grandkids were selling them for a school fundraiser and I never had the time to read them. This was a good time to catch up.

We made it to Maryland just before dinner. It was good to see everyone as it had been since the first week in January that we were together. We had an early dinner at Woodside Deli and enjoy their terrific potato soup. We came back to the house and while Aunt Kelly worked on Katherine's birthday cake, the rest of us played a couple of games. It was so much fun and we laughed and had a good time especially in Sour Apples to Apples when the key word was sweaty and the winning card was "where the sun don't shine". Between games Kelly put some cupcakes on the table to snack on. They looked great but I'm saving my resolution of having one dessert a week until tomorrow during Katherine's Smurf's Birthday party.

Kissing it Goodbye?

Day Two of my Lenten resolution was soooo much harder. The alarm startled me when it went off and I didn't want to get up. I did turn it off and turned on my bedside lamp and laid there for awhile. On Wednesday I did my leg lifts and sit ups in a different bedroom but I felt if I didn't do them in my own bed, I wouldn't do them. They got abbreviated the way it was but I was soon in the shower waking up.

I made sure that I had my workout clothes with me as I had planned on using the company gym on my lunch hour. There had been some indecision on whether I was going to have my normal work week of getting off at noon on Friday or whether we'd be leaving for Maryland after work yesterday. It was a 90% go that my boss was flying out this morning instead of Saturday and it was decided I could take Friday off and we'd be leaving straight from work last night. I got on the internet looking for a hotel and found one in Zanesville. It had a workout room, so I decided to ditch my idea of exercise at noon. I told myself I'd hit the hotel workout room when we got there. Wanna take any bets. I hope it wouldn't be too late when we got there and I'd be grabbing at some idiotic excuse. When I knew I had a free lunch hour, I decided ... it's Thursday, my normal day to eat out, so why not? So, I bailed on the lower calorie grilled cheese sandwich I had planned on fixing for lunch. I ended up walking to the chili parlor and I tried to savor each bite. I had no idea where we were going to stop for dinner, but I knew I had better watch it.

I found a coupon for Ruby Tuesday's in my inbox for 25% off, so I asked Gary if he could wait until we got to Dayton for dinner. I ended up with BBQ Chicken and a baked potatoe along with their salad bar. Oh, there were so many regular things that I wanted to add to my salad, like egg, ham, cheese but I knew those would add calories. Calories that I had already used at lunch, so I remained viligant. When we got to the hotel it was 9:45 and Gary asked ... are you still wanting to work out. Well, did you bet on me? There could be excuses of it's too late, I'm tired, I'm tensed up from all the driving in the rain but we found out the workout room was open until midnight so that's where we ended up after changing clothes. Yes, WE ... Gary went with me although after 30 minutes he went back to the room before I finished my routine.

Good day and ... I'm so anxious to see everyone.

Lenten Season

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent. Since my daughter's post at I'm My Favorite last week about Lent, I have been thinking about what sacrifice I should endure. I kind of steered away from "giving up" something. I was thinking it should be something I WOULD do, something positive, like random acts of kindness. But, Lent is about sacrifice, so I decided it would be to get up when the alarm went off and not hit the snooze button time after time after time . . . that WOULD be a sacrifice for me. Subconsciously I must have been thinking about the alarm because I woke up just before 5:00 and thought that I forgot to set the alarm because surely it was time to get up. I checked the setting and it was still set. I guess I had my own built-in snooze. I went back to sleep and awoke again about 6:00. My alarm goes off at 6:15, so I just laid there for fifteen minutes. I popped up and did 25 sit ups and 10 leg lifts. I thought with the extra time, I should do something productive. I was showered, dressed and headed downstairs before the time I normally get up. Gary asked what I was going to do with my extra time and I told him, well I guess I won't be snapping at you this morning like I did the day before. I felt great and ready to face the world instead of being in panic mode trying to get out the door.

Being Catholic, Ash Wednesday is also a meatless day which made my choices lighter at lunch. I had a small salad and tomato soup from Paradise Cafe. The brisk walk with a nip in the air on my lunchhour burned a few calories.

I had been in a pretty good mood all day. No problems, everything running pretty smooth .... UNTIL ... I was changing cartridges in my computer and ended up with blue ink all over both hands. I tried to clean it off with both acetone and bleach with no luck. I guess I'll have to go home and wash dishes for a couple of hours and then who knows. Oh well, my granddaughter, Katherine's, birthday party is Saturday. She's having a Smurf's party. I guess I can tell her I was trying to become a smurf, if I still have blue hands when we get there..

The evening was so, so. I decided to work out on my lunch hour tomorrow instead of going to the gym tonight. I still needed to get packed and I wanted to send out questions to classmates for our blog.

MIND SHORTS FROM YESTERDAY

I am extremely worn out this morning. I couldn't believe it when the alarm went off. I hit the snooze at least three times. I don't care if I'm late for work or not .... YES I DO. I need to get up to wrap the baby gift for Heather and take it in to Joyce ... oh, five more minutes.

On the drive into work, I'm starting to wake up and I don't feel like there's a big heavy cloak over me. While approaching a stoplight, the light bulb goes off in my head that I forgot to bring the baby gift with me. Geez, what else did I forget. Lunch ... no I have a frozen dinner still in the breakroom's freezer. I"m not turning back or I WILL be late.

10:30 and starting to think about lunch. I really don't want that frozen dinner ... what sounds good? If I'm going to go out, it should be something like Subway .... but chili or anything else sounds so much better. I can always start eating better tomorrow. How long will it take me to get to goal, if I keep putting it off?

It's lunch time and I need some positive reinforcement. I'll eat my frozen dinner and try to find some interesting blogs. Maybe someone that's a mirror of myself that I can follow. Wondering if I should try to get followers that would read this and encourage me. No, the way things are now ... I'm fine. Stephanie and Kim will comment if I'm losing it ... my mind not weight ... or maybe weight to!

I think I'm done with these frozen dinners. They taste like crap (or carp as Jim would say), especially the chicken ... I think it's made with leftover parts. But, they're so convenient. Well, I just won't get anything with chicken in it. I didn't finish the meal, so that just means I can have a glass of wine with dinner. Mmmm, wonder what Gary's making for dinner?

Tonight is gym night ... but this week's schedule is messed up because we're living for Maryland right after work on Thursday which is suppose to be another gym night. Maybe the hotel we're staying will have a gym. But we probably won't stop until around 10:00? I could go on Tuesday and Wednesday. But I'm not used to two days in a row. So what?

Heard from Gary in the afternoon. He's sick. Said he'd try to go to the gym with me. I had told him last Saturday how tough it was to go by myself. He doesn't feel like cooking, so it's either I cook or we eat out ... we're going to Eggroll, so there goes my glass of wine.

Well, I made it to the gym. Gary said he'd go and just do a little bit on the treadmill ... real slow. I tried to get into my routine. I brought my Kindle to read while I was on the bike to make the time go faster ... too bad I didn't realize I only had two pages left in my book. I wanted to quit but I did 4 1/2 miles. Then to the treadmill ... why is this so hard, why do I want to give up so easy. I kept fidgeting with my Shuffle trying to find music that was more upbeat. That didn't seem to help. I'll just do 1 mile ... but I wanted to improve my last session. Yeah, look at Gary over there sitting down while my legs are aching. Okay, okay I only have to go a couple more minutes to make it. What the heck, go up to 20 minutes and be done with it. When I got off, I did feel like I accomplished something but then thought ... I do all this for 1/2 pound. No, I do this so I can have a couple of beers or a Big Mac and still lose. I'm not dieting, I'm changing. I making choices and that means I can have those extras, just so I don't have extras with those extra like fries or an extra dinner.

Today was a good day after all.

Movin' On

Last night I lost 1/2#. In the past, fractions of a pound weren't worth any hoopla or excitement, it was always "why didn't I lose more". In fact sometimes when multiple pounds were lost, it was the same quote. I didn't gain. I'm moving forward. It all adds up. That's what I'm dishing out this morning. I'm not on any particular diet, I'm just making changes. Maybe some work and some don't. I know that some weeks I'm going to see more progress than other weeks. I'm still determined and I'll continue down the road that I started on a couple of weeks ago. I love to travel and I don't mind long stretches.

I made another commitment at my TOPS meeting last night. We have election of officers in a couple of weeks. The term runs from April through the end of March. I announced that I would like to be the new leader. I haven't held that office in quite some time. I'm thinking that it will give me more accountability and I will learn along the way in the programs that I prepare.

What Have I Done?

Who'd think that a salad would make you freak out ... but that's where I'm at. I got up this morning and again wasn't happy with the scale. I' pretty sure I won't have a gain tonight at TOPS but not too sure about a loss either. I've been trying to drink loads of water to prime the pump so to speak to spurt out any excess water.

I had brought my "Smart Ones" to have at lunch but my boss offered to buy lunch if I go pick it up. Can't turn down an offer like that. He even gave me my choice of where to get it. I knew that Cafe 251 had good salads and I knew he liked their wraps, so that's what I choose. But, I'm so afraid. I know that lettuce tends to hold water. Now, I'm doubting my choice. So, if I doubted it why didn't I just have soup or something else? At least with having to walk about one mile round trip I got some exercise. For just once I'd like to get up on Monday morning and see the scales definitely down two pounds or MORE. I felt that I did work at it last week.

I know that I have a tendency to weigh more when I first get up in the morning, so I'm counting on that. I'll face what I see tonight with a positive attitude. Stay tuned for the results tomorrow.

Friends Makin' Monday

This is from Kenlie's site at All The Weigh. This is a first for me but I thought what the heck and traveling is something we do alot and I want to do more of.

1. Where did your most recent trip take you? We went to Illinois a couple of weekends ago. Guys were teaching knot tying. Gals were shopping.
   
2. Is there a place that you’d like to visit that you haven’t yet? If so, where? We're out to visit all 92 counties in Indiana, staying in a B&B and learning some local history. Got alot more counties to visit. It'll take several years.
   
3. Do you travel lightly, or do you cram as much into your luggage as possible? I always overpack. You never know what the weather's going to be or something special you'll be doing :)
   
4. Do your eating and exercise habits change when you travel? If so, how? I'm back on the wagon again and out to prove to myself that you can travel and eat sensibly and return with a loss. The Illinois trip I did just that.
   
5. Tell us about a place you’ve been that you’d like to go back to. While I like the adventure of new places, there are a few places we visit every year, but one place that I've only been to once and would like to return to is Ireland.
   
6. Do you prefer to travel at a certain time of year? No, if someone says go ... I'm in the car waiting.
   
7. If you had to choose, would you go to the beach or the mountains? Never been to the mountains on a vacation. Check that we went to the Smokeys but mountains to me mean snow and cold, so I'd rather go to the beach.
   
8. Have you ever needed a passport to travel? Yes
9. Do you collect anything in your travels? Nope.
   
10. Where do you plan to go next? We're headed to Maryland this weekend to see the kids and celebrate our granddaughter's birthday
    

Lots of Basketball

After a late night the evening before, we got up early yesterday to head to the Y. Nope not for exercise but to watch the grandkids play basketball. Jacob was playing at 9:00 and Gracie at noon, so during the break we ran a couple of errands and then met Stephanie, Jim and the kids at Chick Filet for a really early lunch. My usual there is chicken strips and waffle fries but yesterday, it was soup and salad. I really am finally making choices ... maybe not the best possible choices but hopefully better ones.

I had told Gary earlier that I definiately wanted to hit the gym and at first I thought maybe we could go between games but found out that there really wouldn't have enough time. I also told him this on the way to the Y and he didn't have his workout clothes on like I did. After Jacob's game we headed home and I was under the impression that we would go to the rec center when we got home and he changed clothes. MONKEY WRENCH. Gary said he was starting to feel puny and wanted to lie down for a little while. I took that time to update my blog, check Facebook, and catch up on a couple of games of Words with Friends. Lately when I'm wanting to snack I turned to the games as a distraction. The clock was telling me it was lunch-time even though we had already eaten but I know that I'm not hungry and it's just one of those eating cues so I needed the distraction. Gary came downstairs about an hour later and it was obvious he wasn't going with me. Should I blow it off ... no, I knew I couldn't do that but I wished he would have said something earlier ... I would have went ahead and gone when we got home from the Y and my exercise would be over. The dialogue went back and forth in my brain but I headed out. It was really hard to go by myself and it was hard to do the whole routine that I had planned to do this week. A little bit of exercise would be worthwhile and who would know I didn't do the entire program. But I knew finishing what I started out to do would work wonders in helping me feel stronger about my progress and if I had turned a corner. I finished the 5+ miles.

In the evening we stopped and had dinner on the way to the high school basketball game we were going to. We ate at Ponderosa and I had made the decision before we walked in the door that I was only going to have a salad off their food bar and a steak and baked potato and I stuck to it. We went to the game because it was Super Booster Night which Gary and I were inducted two years ago. After the game, there was a reception for the new inductees. I knew there'd be alcohol and snacks and again I pre-planned all I was going to have was a diet coke ... no snacks. Well, the snacks turned out to be enough to have had dinner there. The best of the spread was pulled pork sandwiches which looked so good and I saw it close up because Gary had fixed him a plate. But, last night it wasn't so hard just sitting and nursing my diet coke while others around me were eating. Rather, I just enjoyed seeing alumni that I hadn't seen in awhile and felt good about my choices and progress for the day.

Party Time

My nephew plays in a band called Big 80's. They band is quite good and for awhile every time we heard about them playing and we didn't have anything scheduled for that particular weekend we would go see them. It's probably been close to a year since that time but we saw on Facebook that they would be playing last night. Gary reminded me a few times of Jay playing and I pretty much just let the conversation end there. There were a few things that makes me less than enthusiastic about going. The first is that they don't start playing until 10:00 p.m., the second is the last time the smoke was so thick in the bar I actually got sick and most importantly I didn't know if I was strong enough to resolve not to munch and drink myself to a gain on Monday. I have found that bar food can sometimes be pretty tasty. I looked over the menu and there were a variety of sandwiches and lots of fried stuff like pickles, mushrooms, onion rings, fries, etc. I could get a steak but decided to go with the Chef Salad. Gary mentioned getting some mushrooms later in the evening when the band was playing and I kept the dialogue going in my head that maybe I'd have one but I was going to stay in control. The mushrooms were never ordered because we saw someone eating popcorn and asked the waitress about that and that was our table munchie for the evening. I started with diet coke but wanted something stronger later into the evening, I ordered a MGD64 and got another one just before the set ended. When I had it about washed down, I noticed the bottle and it was a regular brew, not the 64 calorie variation. I started wondering about the previous one I had ... what was it? I was starting to be bummed out that I had four times the calories I should have had and should have stuck with the Diet Coke.

It was a fun evening out and while we were there mainly for the music, I remembered the time, when we were much younger, that we got all dressed up like the gals I saw in the sparkly and off the shoulder tops, high heels and perfect make up for an evening that was just a big party. I think the purchase for me when I get to goal, it's going to be something jazzy like I saw last night.

I didn't notice until I posted the picture of my salad that on the table there was the phrase "drink responsibly". I think they should put that on restaurant tables with the word "drink" interchanged with "eat". This morning I got up and was afraid to get on the scale. I'm going to forego doing that until Monday morning and hope for the best ... while I continue to be conscious of what I'm eating because we have another evening out tonight.

TGIF

As you know, I'm not a morning person. Maybe I live in the wrong time zone. Would it be easy to get up three hours later in California? I drug myself out of bed again this morning and things didn't go well. I wanted to wear slacks today but I'm way behind in my ironing and the couple of pairs I was thinking about needed to be pressed and since I stay in bed until the last possible minute there was no time for that. I went to my closet to see what was in there and found a pair of black slacks. I went to put them on and couldn't get them over my hips. Oh, they were THAT pair. Then I pulled out a plaid pair and got them up but really had to suck it in to get them buttoned and zipped. I hate this. I feel like I'm making no progress at all. I remembered back to the time when I could pretty much pick anything out of my closet and it would fit. That was such a terrific feeling. It would come again, if I just kept my head in the game. I headed downstairs and got on the scales something I hadn't done since Monday when I had my weigh-in. I didn't like what I saw but kept reminding myself that I had to stick it out and I would have positive results on Monday.

Last night when we got to the gym I told myself that there was no rush to go anywhere else and that even though I hadn't planned on increasing my time until next week to seize the moment. I did an extra mile on the bike and an extra 1/4 miles on the treadmill. I liked the way I felt when we headed downstairs to the car. The back of my neck was wet and my spirits were lifted. I need more of that. On the way out, I stopped to talk to the brother of a friend of mine. He was saying that he was really dedicated last summer going to the gym on a regular basis and was able to drop 15 pounds right away. Then in September the weight stopped coming off and he said well, this isn't working and threw in the towel. Well, throwing in the towel didn't work either and he's back at it just like me. I'm determined to "make it work".

Boy, I'm sure glad I only have to work four hours today and then IT'S THE WEEKEND!

Just Another Day

No news is good news, so they say. Not much happening. Feeling pretty good about where I am in my program. I was thinking back ... remembering that in my younger years that I'd rush home from work and there would be some other activity to race to from there. That's when the kids were home. Now they have families of their own and are probably repeating those long lost days of mine. Now there usually isn't any activity except on Tuesday and Thursday where I have made it a priority to go to the gym. Monday's I have my TOPS meeting, so I guess I am on the run then but Wednesday's ... good ol' hump day finds me vegging out on the couch. Yesterday I was thinking about how I should increase my activity in the evening and thought about maybe ironing. Standing is better than sitting, right? Well, it didn't happen. I really didn't feel all that great, waking up with a headache and a sore throat. I felt better when I got home but still fell in that routine of vegging out. Tonight it's to the gym and tomorrow is the weekend where I'm always more active, so I guess Wednesday is the day I need to work on. But, all in all, I'm doing pretty good.

Important Steps

It seems like I've been doing this forever and I guess I have ... but with this latest do over when it comes to losing weight, it really does seem like I've been into it for weeks; whereas Monday was my first weigh-in since I've been back blogging. Probably since the first of the year, I have only been in the preparation mode. Psyching myself up, trying to convince myself now was the time, wishing and hoping with no action. While they say it's easier to get somewhere with a road map, maybe I've felt like I've been on this road before and knew where I was going and just needed to go. Evidently, it dawned on me that I needed some kind of help because since the first of the year all I had been doing was yoyoing the same few pounds which meant no progress in the direction toward and destination at which I wanted to arrive.

A couple of weeks ago after following my daughter's blog, I decided to go back and reread mine, starting at the beginning during the period I was doing so well. At times there was a lot drama with the scales but there was also success and I saw determination in what I read. Did blogging actually help me to continue to strive for what I wanted. I truly believe that it did. I feel that getting away from it contributed to my slide and regaining of most of what I worked so hard to lose. It kept me aware, it forced me to try harder, it opened my eyes to emotions and how to act on them instead of reacting out of control.

If I wasn't blogging I truly believe that just because yesterday was Valentine's day that I would have used that as an excuse not to go to the gym ... heck, if I wasn't blogging I probably wouldn't have gotten back to the gym period. I know I wouldn't have passed on the bread which I so felt was a part of eating a meal out. I truly believe blogging is my number one tool to be successful. Not the only one but the main one right now.

A little sidebar story. I had told Gary that even though we were going out to dinner, I still wanted to go to the gym. Another tool ... tell people your plans, it makes you accountable. We couldn't get into the restaurant where we wanted to go until an 8:30 reservation, so this proved no problem to do both the gym and dinner with some time management. My workout routine since last week, starting out slow but plan to increase, has been to do about 15 minutes on the bicycle and 15 minutes on the treadmill which computes to about 3 miles on the bike and 1 mile on the TM. I was finishing up my walking/running and saw I wasn't going to hit a mile in my 15 minutes but thought ... No, I want to do a mile so I kept pushing myself. When it hit 100, I realized that I was watching calories burned and not distance. Oh well, my first thought was that would allow me to spurge with a slice of bread at dinner. In times past maybe but last night I passed on the bread.

Messages

Happy Valentine's Day.

This was my gift from God this morning. Just enough snow to be picturesque. As I get older, I really dislike the cold and winter in general, but I do love the snow. On my drive to work I thought about years ago when Gary and I walked in the moonlight of a snowy night and how romantic it was. I often wish we would have another snow like that to recapture that moment.

This was the card Gary gave me this morning along with some miniture roses. My eyes immediately went to the words "Incredible" and I wondered how am I incredible? I opened the card expecting to see to a list of things that would give me that description but it just repeated his love for me and that was enough. I felt incredibly lucky to have him for my husband.

I took my card to work with me and as I was putting it on my work table, I noticed this sign. I realized that I'm not there yet. I'm doing good to do just enough instead of going the extra mile ... or am I? Going to the gym is something

more than I was doing ... passing on delicious bread is better. I am taking steps to better myself. Maybe that's why I lost two pounds last night.

It Worked!

I was still tired when I got up this morning ... I always am. I'm just not a morning person. I headed downstairs after I showered and got dress to get on the scales to see if I'd be in a better mood this morning. It wasn't what I wanted to see. It wasn't a gain but it wasn't a loss. I felt like I had so many other attempts and even successes at this and maybe this was going to be a time when my body said no ... you had your chance, I'm not budging.

Gary told me to have a good day and cheer up as I headed out the door. My task for the day was to fill my tumbler full of water and continuing replenishing it throughout the day. I did feel bloated so maybe I was holding water and I'd manage a loss some how tonight at TOPS. I'm keeping my hopes alive.

At 5:00, I went downstairs to get on the scales. I knew how much I weighed on them last week unlike the scales at home. It was definitely going to be a loss. I don't know how much and at this point I don't care. I'm headed to my meeting and to get weighed. I'll have something to write about tomorrow.

Mood Swing

It's Sunday night, we're home from our weekend in Illinois and I'm in a mood. I can't pinpoint exactly where it came from but I know that I want it to go away and I know that it can be dangerous in my plan. I don't know if it's because the weekend is drawing to a close or if I feel that I didn't do all that I wanted to do. I had temptations throughout the weekend. Some of which I was the victor. Passing on the bread at dinner, getting a salad for lunch with my sandwich at lunch instead of fries, refraining from ordering something for myself when everyone was ordering dessert at Culver's. Why didn't I revel in those accomplishments. Was it because before dinner I had a couple of beers and got into the pretzels and popcorn or that I had several bites of Gary's Turtle Sundae. I did workout like I had planned ... that was a good thing, right? But something is really bugging me and I don't know what it is. Am I fearful of a bad weigh-in tomorrow, afraid of failing. Maybe a good night sleep will help. I'll face the scale in the morning and maybe there will be another mood swing. I'll get more into it tomorrow. I'll be stronger, I'll be more determined. I'm just tired now.

Dreary Exercise

When I started blogging again this week, my intention was to blog every day. I needed that reminder on what I've set out to do. But just like with everything else in life, there's bumps in the road. Thursday was a routine day, I was doing okay but there was no major announcement, breaking news, or anything that came close to exciting to write about. In fact it was a pretty boring day come to think of it. I wanted a break from the "Smart Ones" dinners I was bringing for lunch at my desk and decided to go out. My choice wasn't the best but what I thought was workable if I stayed in line the rest of the week. Since I knew that I hadn't put anything on the blog, I thought maybe I could get by with putting an article on about bloating. I would still fulfill my goal of blogging everyday. Many things were running through my mind on topics that I could still write about when I got home from the gym after work but by then there was dinner to eat and TV shows to watch and I kind of felt blah ... which was something else I could definitely write about but ...

Yesterday I was off from work but there were plans to fulfill besides blogging. The first one ... to sleep in. I had really had a problem all week getting out of bed, staying there until the last minute, dragging myself into work right at 8:00 with no time to spare, my appearance wasn't something to make me feel good about myself. I mean, I was presentable but just felt dowdy on what I choose to wear and the lack of accessories. which is another topic.

Anyway, Gary and I were going to Illinois this weekend where he and his friend, Eric, were teaching a knot course. We're were going to make a stop at the casino on the way there and have lunch and then get on the interstate and head over. Hmmm, lunch meant the buffet. Buffet usually means all you can eat, and you all know what all you can eat can mean. But I set a plan in my head ahead of time. We wouldn't be shelling out a ton of money because we probably had comp money on our cards, so I wouldn't have to use that warpped reason of getting my money's worth. No, I was just going to have a salad. I've gone to restaurants and ordered a $5 - $10 salad and I told myself this is no different ... just because there are other things there to choose from. I deviated a little by having some minestrone soup, as well but when I left I didn't feel anything but satisfied both in my mind and my stomach.

Moving along ... we got to the hotel and it is one of the chains that have a "Happy Hour" in the evening in addition to the hot breakfast. Everyone, well the other three decided that we would just use their food bar for dinner which meant potato chips, tortilla chips, pretzels, hot dogs, melted cheese,refried beans, etc., etc., I could have been much better in a restaurant, but I had setout to prove something to myself this weekend. I ended up with a baked potato and a hot dog with no bun. I put some coney sauce over both and it was filling. I wanted to go back ... and I did to get a little salad and some carrots and celery with ranch dressing. I'm sure I could have cut out some of what I ate but I bore no negative feelings toward myself.

This morning I relished staying in bed and not "having" to get up. My plan was to hit the workout work. One of my bullet points this week was put exercise back in my routine. Three days which meant Tues, Thur. and Saturday. I don't know if I forgot about our trip when I first set out my plan but it didn't matter, Drury Inn has a workout room. That's where I thought about the title of this blog entry ... although it wasn't drury at all. I had the room to myself and completed my 30 minutes. There much to be said about exercising in the morning though, you do it and get it out of the way and don't have a dozen execuses running through you head all day until you do it. I felt I got a good workout because I was glowing (remember women don't sweat) which kind of proved it.

Well, there's my blog entry for today and catching up on the last couple of days. It seems like once you sit down at the keyboard you can just go on and on.

I will be doing some power shopping this afternoon and faced with lunch and dinner choices but I'm feeling pretty positive.

Random Foods That Make You Bloat

You already know it’s a good idea to stay away from salty potato chips when you want to avoid belly bloat. But a new report found that other seemingly innocent foods are tripping you up.

According to the Center For Disease Control’s list of the top 10 sources of sodium, most of us get too much sodium from…bread and rolls. It’s not that they contain more salt than potato chips and junk food—we just eat them more because, until now, we didn’t realize they had so much sodium in them.

According to the report, these top 10 items make up 44 percent of the sodium we eat every day. Here’s the rest of the list:

1. Bread
2. Cold cuts and cured meats
3. Pizza
4. Poultry
5. Soups
6. Fast-food hamburgers and sandwiches
7. Cheese
8. Spaghetti and other pasta dishes
9. Meatloaf and other meat dishes
10. Snacks—potato chips, pretzels, etc.

So, if you're planning to slip into a skintight LBD on Saturday, take a pass on having a pizza night or a burger a few days beforehand. Instead, try a protein-packed salad or a piece of grilled fish.

Back in the Saddle

I went horseback riding a couple of years ago on vacation. I hadn't done that since I was a kid. It was something I wanted to do, something I had planned. What I had envisioned was much different than the real thing. I guess because I'm not a kid (I started to say big woman but I just can't do that) the horse that was chosen for me was good sized. That meant to get my feet in the stirrups I really had to stretch out my thighs. Now I know why those cowboys were bowlegged. Anyway, along the trail ride, one of my feet slipped out of the stirrup and I was fearful (because I thought I was sliding to one side) that I may end of falling. I kept trying to maneuver my foot back. I finished the ride unscathed and was able to mark that adventure off my bucket list.

There is no moral ... I just wanted to say that I'm back in the saddle now and on my first day I didn't get thrown. Looking back the day went pretty much as I had planned. I ate what I had planned and I got to the gym.

This morning I got on the scale and they were down a little, not much but going in the right direction, so life is good.

DOUBLE DARE YA!

Should I even think about making another attempt at blogging? Guess if you continue that means you didn't fail. So, why not. My head is in a better place now, so now may be a good time ... a new beginning, so to say.

There is good and bad in everything, it's just the way you look at it. I am moved to say that 2011 was a bad year, but how can I. A lot of fun and exciting things happened in 2011. Maybe since I'm writing on this blog, I am focused on my weight goals and the success there wasn't so hot. In fact, it was pretty dismal but why focus on the negative ... so I won't.

I normally start out the new year on fire. I feel like I've been given a new lease on life, the slate has been wiped clean and I'm excited about the future. I've had new year streaks that have gone on for weeks without a gain. This year is a bit different. I didn't even really have my first weigh in of the year until mid-January after returning from a vacation which may not be an ideal time to see the numbers you want to see on the scale. But, there has to be a starting point. My second weigh-in of the year showed success of three pounds. Looking back though, I didn't have the well-rounded meals I should have had. I didn't proportion my calories consumption evenly and that may have backfired on me last week when my mind thought I was being a little too restrictive.

While watching my diet most of the week, I did have a few indiscretions, i.e., fries, hot dogs and chocolate which all could be worked into my point allotment probably if there had been one of those every other days but I failed to do the math. That's right I didn't track it on paper, I tracked it in my head which does fuzzy math when it gets the chance. I now realize why I gained a pound even though I felt I walked a marathon on Friday.

I felt pretty defeated that I couldn't even put two weeks in a row at my TOPS meeting last night. I want success but it comes with a price. Am I willing to pay the toll? Am I willing to do what it takes to walk in my weekly weigh-in feeling confident and proud of what I accomplished during the week. It seems like I've had the tendency to say "it's too hard" or "why even bother, just be satisfied with who you are" the last few months.

For right now I'm trying. I've gone back and read some of the entries to this blog when I was determined, motivated and doing well and thought ... I did it then, why is now any different. I making small strides today by knowing how many points I've consumed. I've told Gary that I wanted to go to the gym tonight and I written a couple of my TOPS members of my intentions going forward. I need to be accountable.

Should I count this as Day One or Day 11,001? Whatever it is, I'm moving forward.