Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Last week after my weigh-in, I was gun-ho.  I was definitely striving to make it a good week and have a loss last night.  I took my lunch instead of eating out and when I did eat out, I made good choices.  But "life happens".  I had a horrible day on Thursday.  I had forgotten to make an airline reservation for my boss, although I swore I did.  But when I went to check on it online there was nothing there and there was no evidence in my files that it was done.  I held my breath as I checked about availability ... you guessed it, it was sold out.  This was just a back-up reservation and I was pretty certain, it wouldn't be used but that didn't matter ... I screwed up ... AGAIN.  What if it was needed?  I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day and I was torn whether to get him involved and ask him if he was going or just wait it out because I would know the answer by the next day.  What did I want to do.  I wanted to bury myself in comforting food, sugary, carbo-laden, cheesy, gooey ... forget everything food.  I thought alot about addition that day.  I have other things in my life that could be addictive but I didn't think twice about running to a casino, bar, or the mall to buy shoes ... what is it with food?  When I got home, Gary was in bed sick.  I needed to talk but I knew he felt bad and didn't want to dump on him.  I guess he knew something was up and I told him of my discovery.  Like a good husband, he tried to comfort me by telling me no one is perfect.  We ordered a pizza for dinner and I proceed to eat WAY more than I should.  It reminded me of my pizza debacle while watching the grandkids.  When I got up on Friday, still obsessing over circumstances that might happen, I tried to remind myself to just face the music and move on, even though thoughts of early retirement and resignation ran across my mind.  Well, things worked out, I found out early on that my boss had no intention of traveling and I was off the hook.  If things were resolved, why did I still feel like I had just been given horrible news.  How do I stop all this woulda coulda shoulda dialogue and just learn from my shortcomings.  I was really whacked up over the weekend.  Every time I turned around I was screwing up from putting to much salt in the mac n cheese that I fixed for lunch on Saturday which made it inedible to clogging up the disposal when I put it down the drain to every other miniscule thing I tried to do perfectly and ended up falling on my face.  It was dreary outside, I'm really despising winter and I'm stuck in ... or at least felt I was because Gary had the flu.  I kept pretty busy on Friday night and some of Saturday but just couldn't shake the blue blahs.  I spent a lot of time sleeping using it as an excuse of wellness when I knew deep inside I was using it as an escape and my back ached from spending too much time in bed.

When I got up yesterday things seem to be more positive.  I knew I was going to have a loss at TOPS which helped and I was ready to delve into some work and get some things done just for the feeling of accomplishment.  The stars started to align when I got word that my daughter had passed a grueling exam to get her CAE certification.  It's amazing what great news and a feeling of so much pride in her made me feel so much better.  Things are looking up.

I guess having a couple of great days, even mixed in with an awful day, while the other days are spot on can show success.  I lost 2 3/4# last night, reaching my 20# mark from when I started getting serious last August.  This morning I kicked up my heels wearing those black shoes for the first time that I bought last month that was going to be the reward for reaching the 20# milestone.  I'm moving on ...

1 comment:

NAN said...

OMG- you did it! 20 pounds YAY! Congrats to your daughter too. I have been hungry this afternoon but you've inspired to me to close the kitchen down. I have eaten enough to call it dinner. Hope Gary feels better.