HAVE I ARRIVED?

One step at a time, one day at a time, one victory at a time. I think I just might be there. Yesterday started off like most other days. Got up, showered, got dressed, headed downstairs for my usual Honey Bunches of Oats breakfast, checked Facebook, grabbed my Smart Ones dinner out of the freezer and I was out the door still half asleep. Did I mentioned I'm not a morning person..

Mid-morning my boss brought me a document that needed to be delivered to our attorney's office at noon and said I'll buy lunch at Paradise Cafe while you're out. My typical lunch there is 1/2 sandwich and cup of soup. It fits into my plan well. However, Paradise always includes a cookie (at no charge) in with their orders. I know this and the last few times I've been there, I've succumbed to this freebie. I knew I was going to the gym last night and I knew that I have been better with my eating. The voices started again with reasoning as well as misguided information. As I was sitting at my desk eating lunch, I thought I'd check some blogs. This seems to be a tough time of year for a lot of people. I read how others are fighting off the demons and so many bloggers pulled in so many directions. There are snacking temptations, schedule issues, just the old winter weather blues syndrome. Motivation, dedication, commitment, do I or don't I, you name it.

Somehow, some way ... it made me think and I ended up taking the two cookies to the breakroom. After I did that and returned to my desk, I really questioned my sanity ... how could I do that. Those cookies are sooooo good. I then realized that maybe I'm over the hump and that I've got a chance for success, for something to build on.

As I mentioned, Thursday is one of my scheduled training days for the gym for my C25K training. I was moving into week 3 and I thought that I'd run on the track instead of the treadmill. Well, that didn't work. I don't know if I started out too quick and burned myself out or what but I just couldn't do the second run. Did I quit ... give it all up? No, I just went back to the treadmill and did the program on it. I got in a little more exercise and didn't feel defeated. I'll try to build up my endurance a little more and try the track again later .... starting out slower.

The chili was on the stove when we got home from the gym. It smelled heavenly and I was hungry. For some reason, after I had taken several bites, I was already thinking about the second bowl ... what's up with that? I didn't care if I would be full or not, there was a second bowl of chili in my future. Then I did some more thinking. That's not how I lost weight. I lost almost 30 pounds last year by limiting myself to one serving. Yes, the food was good but I decided one bowl was enough. I'd get to eat again at my next meal. Another victory.

I can't tell you how great I feel this morning. I even got on the scale in the midst of my normal morning routine and although I was half asleep, I saw what I needed to see and I was happy.

WHO'S TALKING HERE

Yesterday started out pretty good and didn't end of too bad. Another old thing I was doing but had to start again was drinking more water. I'm still having a problem with it but trying to incorporate it into a daily routine by having a glass on my desk at work.

I'm still fighting through the dialogue in my head. The voices that say I want a snack and I want it now or why not just this one time? What sounds good to eat vs. what is good to eat. I know I want to lose and I know how to do it but just how badly or how urgent is that desire is what I need to clarify.

It's still early in this chapter after picking up this book again after it's been sitting on the shelf and I've got to be patient. I know it will come, it always does if I give myself enough time. I've just got to work through the boredom, the doubt and the reality of it all.

WORKING ON IT

Yesterday was a pretty good day and today seems to be going even better. The difference between yesterday and today is that I'm more prepared.

I was my normal draggy self yesterday morning. I am truly one of those "NOT a morning person". At this point, I can't even tell you if I had breakfast or not ... I don't think so, because we didn't have much in the house as we hadn't been to the store for awhile. That meant I was also eating out at lunch or have no lunch and that wasn't going to happen. I did have a couple of gift certificates for Pita Pit and I had checked previously that their Turkey Pita fit into my plan.

I did get the munchies in the afternoon but had some pretzels and an apple available ... both a good healthy snack instead of a visit to the vending machine. These were left over from a lunch last week and I need to remember to have things like this on hand when the munchies strike.

Tuesday is on the schedule to hit the gym after work and I did my 15 minutes on the bike and then W2D3 of my C25K training. It moved along quite well as I alternated the running and walking. My big thing is keeping my eyes off the time. I'm sure it's a boredom thing. There is a small running track at the community center where I go to work out, so when I was finished on the treadmill, I wanted to see what real running was like. It was like ..... geez, I'm so tired. To do a mile you have to run 24 laps ... like I said, it's small. Well, I did run 2 laps as I was just trying out the sensation of regular running and maybe I'll add a lap every once in awhile. At least I tried and wasn't procrastinating because of fear or excuses.

Gary went to the grocery yesterday so I had my normal breakfast of my favorite cereal and a Smart Ones to bring for lunch so that's why I am better prepared today. It will be chicken for dinner tonight and my day is completely laid out for me. I will think when the munchies hit, if they do, and I will try to stay busy. There's always more to do than I realize ... so I need to start focusing.

IT WILL BE A GOOD DAY

WHEN WILL I LEARN?

My mind has been going in so many directions lately. I start out on one thing and then go in a completely different direction on some tangent. Is that what they call being scatterbrained.

I don't know how to describe the weekend. It seemed like there was so much going on or that needed to happen that it was obvious there weren't going to be enough hours in the day. Some things got done, most things didn't ... there were fun times and some uncomfortable moments and **** it was 11:00 p.m. Sunday night and I wondered what had been accomplished or if I had even given any thought to priorities.

The last I wrote I felt that I was reigning in on where I needed to be and I wasn't far from finding my groove again. My eating wasn't entirely under control but it was getting there and I had started exercising again.

Saturday night changed all that. I'm not going to go into detail because it may throw someone off seeing certain items described or such lack of willpower. It would probably even be a little detrimental to myself rehashing it all but I was anything but a wise and healthy person that wants to lose weight.

Notwithstanding Saturday I was able to weigh-in last night and stay at the same weight of the prior week. What am I doing? Am I playing the how far can I push the envelope without getting caught game. Do I even care any more? If I had been more in control I surely would have a loss. A loss that I could build on ... or maybe not. Maybe, I better knuckle down or it will catch up with me next week.

My daughter, Stephanie, had a good post today on her blog about that CLICK that we all are looking for. Something we've had in the past that we need to find to turn on again but seems to be just out of our reach or a memory lapse on how to achieve it again. For me that click has always been indefinable until she explained it. The click is commitment and consistent determination. I have determination but it's been anything but consistent so it's obvious I'm not committed. It seems like when the going gets tough, I look for a cookie to crumble. No more ... I have a bit more insight and I'm going to call myself on those weak moments to find that inner strength and build on each small success. It seems like such a struggle right now, so I guess it's still going be one day at a time.

Mmmm ... this post was going to be about feeling too comfortable ... oh well, maybe tomorrow.

The Norm

As a kid I always felt just a little out of place. While I had four siblings I still felt like an only child since my brothers and sister were adults when I was born, the youngest before me being 23 years older than I. I was shy and didn't make friends easy. My parents didn't drive so I was pretty much secluded to home. I had a good and loving family but no social skills. My parent didn't socialize much and I grew up with that adage that children are seen but not heard. For years I just went with the flow and never felt I had an opinion about anything. Nothing that I said or did was of any importance.

After I got married and had children I changed my tune. I wanted to bring my children up with values that everyone is important and everyone has a right to express themselves. But yet, many times I do not put enough confidence in myself. I go with the flow or are just in the moment.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post. I was going to write how I went back to the gym last night after taking off time because of my leg. The title was going to explain that I'm back to a normal routine but when I wrote "the norm" for some reason it brought back memories of childhood and just wanting to be like everyone else. I wanted to be involved and participate but it seemed like I was too shy to join in. I often wished that I had some special talent like the athlete, cheerleader or great student. I never put any value in myself and I feel that I'm still carrying a little of that "little girl" around with me.

There is so much more for me ... fear may be holding me back but I still need to strive for what I want.

Take Care

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It was a re-check on my blood pressure as the doc had put me on new meds. I hate taking medicine and don't do well at taking them consistently. I think it's a denial thing. The doctor did remind me that it's important to regulate your blood pressure though and there's a reason why they call it "a silent killer". My mom had high blood pressure as did some of my siblings. Mine was pretty much okay until five or six years ago. I guess it's a hereditary thing. Body shape and weight must be an hereditary thing too. I carry my weight in my hips and butt as did my mother and as does my daughter. I often wonder why there are so many body shapes for women. Women that are bigger on the top than bottom or bigger on the bottom than top. Then there are those that carry it all in their mid section or thighs and calves. Whereas, men usually just seem to have the abdomen excess. Of course it doesn't mean it has to stay that way. It's just a tendency and it can be whittled away.

Yesterday was a good day. I stayed on plan and kept my portions to where they needed to be. One thing I have noticed this week though is how wiped out I am. I wonder if that has anything to do with getting back on track and my body trying to adjust. All I know is that I'm looking forward to the weekend.

READY ... SET ... GO

I had an official weigh in at TOPS last night. We haven't met the last two weeks because of weather and the procrastinator inside of me couldn't get off of square one. I've felt like I've been running around in circles for weeks and couldn't even face the scales at home until last week and then only that one morning when I squinted to see the results. Last night I was down 1 1/2# and the circling has stopped and I am even facing in the right direction. I was never a big fan of rotaries. I am once again in the decade of the 70's. I seemed to have gotten a little too comfortable when I hit them last fall and it's time to forge ahead or down or whatever it takes to see results. I've been stuck too long or maybe it's better described as complacency.

I didn't stay for the meeting, only weighing in. Since it was Valentine's Day I wanted to go home and have dinner with my Sweetie. I stopped and got steaks and fixins' and we had a nice dinner together. Being the "old folks" that we are, though, I fell asleep watching TV after dinner. We had had a busy weekend, being out of town, and I guess it just caught up with me.

I'm searching out some new blogs to read. I would like to find someone that is starting out fresh to lose about the same amount as me. Last time I did that there was no stopping the lady I was reading and the pounds kept coming off and now she has no need to blog. She was an inspiration and I hope she continues to do well. For me, I'm just glad to get going again!

Help Me

It's 3:00 and I'm about ready to go down and pay a visit to the vending machine. I want something to stuff in my mouth. I forgot about it for awhile and then found a stray peanut sitting on the floor. I don't need a snack ... well, my stomach and my well being do not need a snack ... just don't ask my mouth or my head. I'm taking the time to talk to myself and not do anything impulsively and I'm calming down some. I only have two more hours and I'm out of here and ready to start a long weekend. I can do this. I am stronger than I realize. I don't need a snack right now, even if it's healthy and for some reason I don't think anything is healthy in the vending machine. Maybe the nuts but the package have 3 or 4 servings and I don't trust myself right now to know when to stop. Breathe in and out, Sheilah. You can do this. You have plenty of work on your desk to do ... so just get your head into it. I don't want to say "I TOLD YOU SO" or maybe I do when you see how strong you can be and how much you want to lose this weight.

The Deed is Done

I got on the scales this morning, finally. I have a guide now where I'm headed. It could have been worse but it doesn't matter because I am finally determined to make it better. Yesterday was a good day. I ate what I had planned to and that didn't include any impromptu snacking or going back for seconds. I ate dinner on the smaller salad plate and was satisfied. I don't remember any regrets or feeling of deprivation or drumming up any excuses. It was a good day. Just like putting one foot in front of each other to walk, I am using one day at a time to roll all of this up into a successful journey.

The plans are laid out for today and it's going to be another good one. I can be in total control today. Tomorrow will not be as easy, nor will the weekend but I can still have control over my actions. All I have to do is look back, see that I've done it before and have confidence in myself that it will be no different this time.

I'M ON MY WAY

Getting to "there"

Remember the typical "are we there yet" that little kids chime in when traveling. I need to get there. Find that commitment that lasts longer than a few hours. Our TOPS meeting was cancelled again last night ... that's two weeks in a row. That's not good for me. I need that accountability. I just keep procrastinating about the seriousness of all of this. As the pounds I've lost return I should realize it's going to get a lot harder before it gets any easier. I've got to stop NOW and gain some control.

I don't know why I can't step on the scales at home to see where I am and just go on from there. Until I do, I need to realize that I'm going to continue to slide on that dangerous slippery slope. I've got to turn things around and I've got to do it NOW.

Maybe I got too comfortable in the weight I had lost and for some reason thought I could just go back to my mindless eating and still keep my weight at a steady mark. I know that's only wishful thinking. Even if I was satisfied with the weight at a 30 pound loss, it's not going to be maintained by a little extra this and an extra helping of that.

Back to the basics and it's not going to happen tomorrow, or next Monday or the 1st of March. If it's going to happen, it's got to happen right now. Oh, how many times have I said that. How bad do I want this. It sure hasn't been at the top of my priority list for the last couple of months. I keep asking why? What will get it going again. Well starting and getting through one day may snowball into more confidence, so that what I'm going to do. Make today a good one and look forward to another good one tomorrow.

I keep blaming the absence of exercise on my lack of focus but again when you fail, you tend to make excuses instead of sucking it up, admit your shortcomings and move on. When I started out so many other times, I found that controlling my eating and exercise didn't go hand in hand right away. I got one under control and was proud of that and at a point I knew I was ready to add the exercise. I've got to change my way of thinking. I'm capable of doing what needs to be done and adjust the sails and get my ship sailing in the right direction.

The Day I've Been Waiting For

Today is going great and it has nothing to do with weight. I am several hours into the day and there is no pain. I haven't taken any pain killers in a couple of days so I hope this means the nerve pain in my leg and the constant pain it has generated has run its course. It's about time. Five weeks and I was really starting to unravel, even with the drugs. I really emphathize with people that have to live with chronic pain. Not knowing if it was going to get any better would be devastating for me. It takes a toll on every bit of your being. Physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually to a point.

Just the thought of living a normal day or even what the day may throw at me gives me so much more energy. I feel I have more control and that I can fight whatever demons I need to and get this last half of my weight off. No more turning to food to relieve whatever was going on in my head.

I haven't been on the scales for awhile and I don't know what to expect tonight but right now that doesn't matter. I'm ready and willing to give it another go under my own power and my own determination.

Here I come ... watch out!

Chocolate

Why is there chocolate in the house. Since there is ... why does it matter? It didn't when I had so much confidence in myself that I dared anyone to say that I couldn't do it. I made it through vacations and family celebrations and still lost. What's the difference now. EXCUSES, that's the only reason I can find. I didn't have any then. I wouldn't let them exist. We're in the deep of winter but what difference does that make. I'm hurting so bad both physically and emotionally but if I had the right attitude that shouldn't matter either. I need to find something else to focus on. I need to find something that I can enjoy and forget about the pain.

This morning I put on a pant suit to wear to work and made myself think about the difference in fit from this time last year. I have room to breathe. I can button the jacket. Do I want to go back to everything being so tight that I didn't know how much longer I could wear it and breath.

I'm giving it another try today. So far, so good but it's not even 9:00 a.m., but I did have a sensible breakfast.

I'm so tired and all the excuses that go with it.

I wish I had that kid attitude

Things are getting to me. But that's life and things happen ... good things and NOT so good things. Kids are so much more resiliant. They hurt but they usually have some run to and they hear it's going to be okay and believe that.

Maybe that's the roadblock I've hit. I don't believe enough and I'm tired. Maybe there's too many obstacles and the strength to fight more than one thing seems defeating. I see evidence that I haven't thrown in the towel completely so I do have hope. I'm just tried of being knocked down but I know I have to continue to get up, even when I don't know how long I'll remain on my feet.

My pride has been deminished, the leadership I thought I uncovered and especially the all or nothing thinking has all been thrown in my face. I hurt both mentally and physically and all I want to do is feel better.

I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am, how far I've come and how others facing much more challenging things than I am are taking advantage of their inner strength. Is that because they have others pushing them ... I need to push myself out this funk.

I don't need my legs ... I don't need to run a 5k ... and maybe I don't need to succeed, maybe I just need to believe that I can maintain until I get through this rough period. Better things are coming. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I don't need chocolate or ice cream or extra helping. My body needs substance and it can wait a few hour until the next healthy meal.

The weather doesn't help, the loss of a police officer doesn't help, the economy doesn't help, the lack of mobility doesn't help .... what helps ... knowing it's a temporary situation and things change and accept that.

Okay I'm done ... I was told I need to write and get it out. I think it helped ... I'm not heading out to the kitchen now and I WILL wait for dinner before I put another thing in my mouth.