I think I may be coming out of my funk. I hope so ... it's dark, dreary and lonely in there, making it hard to know which way to turn and not knowing if anyone is there that is willing to help you.
What turned things around ... mmmmm, I belonged to a group of on-line TOPS members, some of whom got together each summer. A retreat of sorts with many good memories. The lady that hosted it for over ten years had many irons in the fire over the past few years and discontinued the get together a few years back. The on-line group while still available lacked activity. I tried several times to ask questions, share information, to get some activity going to no avail. We went from 661 posts in January of 2006 to 6 posts in December of 2012. Last week someone else posted something to try to breathe some life back into what was once a really supportive and beneficial tool. It's not the way it used to be and I don't know if it'll ever be but I'm contributing and using it because I really need all the support I can get and am grabbing at every straw.
Moving on ... everyday our new motivator has posted a question. It's not necessarily a weight-related question but it could be by how you answer it. Yesterday it was ....Are you seeking contentment or excitement. That was a no brainer for me and my answer was "Definitely excitement. I'm so bored with everything right now and it is affecting my weight loss goals. Instead of sitting and waiting for something exciting though, I'm venturing out today to see what I can find instead of waiting for it to find me. We'll see what happens."
I knew that's what I needed ... maybe not the true definition of excitement like going sky diving but more than get up go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed and repeat. I was doing less and less and becoming more and more miserable. I needed to do something that was different from what I had made out my routine to be. I immediately started searching on the internet about self-made excitement. What you can do to put excitement into your everyday life. I found it could be little things ... just doing something out of the ordinary. My first thought and I don't know where it came from was to send Gary an email stating ... you pick the music, I would like us to dance when I get home from work. I don't know why but that lifted my spirits. There was a little anticipation of what song he would choose and rekindling romance.
I decided that I was going to get a salad from a place that is about the farthest I would ever walk for lunch. Yes, it was cold out ... yes, I have been saying that I despise the cold but I felt good about moving my body in the brisk air ... maybe it would even burn off more calories. You know what I found when I went outside ... my shadow, yes the sun was out and it seemed to rubbing off on my disposition. As I walked, I saw a guy sitting on the sidewalk with a sign. It said "homeless ... willing to work". For some reason at that moment, I envision myself in his spot with my sign saying "hopeless .... willing to work?" Was I willing to work to lift myself up ... yes, I am. I haven't even thought of having a salad for lunch for a long time. All I wanted was comfort food, hot food because the weather was cold and nothing else would do. I have been filling my subconscious with a lot of hooey lately. I got something different than my usual ... using this new found excitement factor. It was an applewood salad made with spinach and it was wonderful. I was also picking up a wrap to take back to my boss and he was buying ... what could be better. Well, after I ordered his wrap, I discovered it wasn't HIS usual. I had ordered the chicken caesar wrap INSTEAD of the chicken cheddar wrap, so when I finished my salad, I went back and reordered and on my way back to the office gave the homeless guy my mistake and paid my boss back for it. So, I didn't exactly get my "free lunch" but that was okay from my eyes being opened and answering my own questions.
In my searching for excitement, I was also lead to a blog which I had read in the past and even purchased the book the author of the blog had written and there was something in his latest post that I took to heart. This man had once weighed over 400 pounds and he had lost over 200 pounds and kept it off for 18 months. He has been struggling for the past six months, feeling lost but has recommitted himself. In one post a friend wrote to him about the "lost feeling". "Today I
want to share something in hopes it might reach the person who sent the
message about being "lost and hopeless". You see, I once felt
profoundly lost and hopeless. Those feelings were horrible, but what I didn't
know at the time was that those feelings were about to be the very thing that
helped me break free to a new life more wonderful than I could have ever
imagined. 25 years ago I had reached the end of my rope and it was all I could
do to just hang on. Then I let go of the rope with one hand and reached out for
help. I couldn't believe it when the people who answered my cry for help told
me to let go with the other hand too! I thought, "Cant you see I'm barely
hanging on here!?!" They explained to me that what I was holding onto
wasn't going to help me. In fact I was holding on to my old self, my old way of
thinking. They shared with me that I felt lost because I was lost, my old map
was never going to help me because I was following it when I got lost. They
also said I felt hopeless because hanging onto my old beliefs was no hope and
deep down I obviously knew it. I couldn't argue with them because they made too
much sense AND I could tell by the way they talked that they had been right
where I was and had found a way out. Well I did let go, against everything in me
crying out to hang on, I let go. What I found was that I did NOT plummet to my
demise as all my fears had told me I would if I let go. Instead I was for the
first time in a long time free. I was free from the strongest bondage that can
ever exist. Those are the bonds that hold me in place, not because they are
unbreakable, but because I cling to them. So if you feel lost I encourage you
to look around and realize you are lost. And if you feel hopeless know that
only by reaching out for help can you find hope. Real hope, real change. After
all, as it was for me, I'll bet it is the same for you: All my best thinking
got me lost and hopeless. Quit hanging on. Let go and fly."
So, I guess I've let go. I've got a new plan and if it doesn't seem to work, I'll let go and try something else.