BUSY IS GOOD

I'm late posting and for once it doesn't mean I've lost my way again.  It just means I'm busy with others things and that's good.  I need that for I think alot of my problem arise from boredom.  Yesterday is in the books as another successful day.  Not much exercise but the eating side of things is what I'm working on.  I was actually under target yesterday which pleased me.  Even when I'm over only by 20 or 30 calories I tend to think too much.  As long as I'm not mindlessly eating I should be happy.  

So Day 2 with more to do.

MAKING MY WAY BACK

Perhaps my lousy February was a turning point.  I guess I realized if I don't turn things around, even if only just a little, that slowly but slowly those pounds I lost over the last six months will be back.  I gave it another shot yesterday and I did okay.  I pulled back the reigns a little at lunch by eliminating a side dish and there was no candy nibbling when I got home from work.

I did get a wee bit of exercise in too.  When I got to the mall yesterday at lunchtime, the line for Chick-fil-A was pretty long, so I decided to take a couple laps around the mall.  When I got home from work, I was going to do a little Zumba from a U-Tube video I downloaded but it kept stopping mid-stream, so I gave up on it ... but I did put the effort forth.

Day one down and moving on. 

I'M SO TIRED OF FIGHTING IT

Yes, I am ... I want to find that drive again ... the fun of the challenge ... the feeling I'm part of a team but when you fall behind, the stamina slips and you start feeling defeated.  It's all attitude and for me I need to swing over to the see the light and want it bad enough again ... it'll happen but patience has never been my friend.  Is it better to start every day and fail or wait until the timing is right to get some consistency or is there even a right answer?

~Sheilah

NO BIGGIE

Yesterday was just an ordinary day.  Nothing really to write home about.  Being Ash Wednesday, I had my food limited to meatless meals.  I tried to think what I would sacrifice for the next six weeks and nothing came to mind.  Correction, some things came to mind, but did I really want to or think I could refrain from those things.  Maybe chocolate, maybe candy ... but not bread like I did last year, although I ought to.

I backslid into my habit of vegging out on the couch when I got home from work.  Yes, it's still winter and winter has this side effect for me.  I need a different prescription and I hope I can hang on for a few weeks until it arrives.  I know talk is cheap but I'm sure that pill of spring will help me turn things around by at least being a little more active.

WHAT'S WRONG

I've had this shadow over me this week that I can't seem to shake.  Nothing major just this little gnawing at me that all the planets aren't aligned.  I've acknowledged it and will just continue to push it out of the way when I start using it as an excuse.  I'm sure it will eventually go away.  It's difficult because I don't know what "IT" is.  I know I was annoyed with myself Sunday night when I discovered that I didn't put one of my co-workers down for girl scout cookies from Gracie that I was delivering on Monday so they didn't get ordered; but my wonderful daughter fixed that by giving me two of her boxes, but still the annoyance hung on.  Then we're dealing with our computer issues at home and I called an IT guy I know and he came over last night and stayed until 11:00 and still the problems remains, but it too will be fixed eventually.  I guess I'm still holding onto that annoyance.  Why is it so hard to let go sometimes?

I did well yesterday ... eating only what I had planned on eating, and being able to sway myself away from some temptations.  I was asked yesterday by a dieting buddy what my biggest obstacle was and I gave it some thought after my initial impulsive answer of attitude.  What causes my attitude to get out of whack.  Right now I think it's lack of involvement.  I need to stay busy.

I KNOW ... I KNOW

For a Monday, I felt pretty good when I got up.  I showered and got dressed in a pant suit that felt really loose around the waist and in the thighs.  I was feeling good about the weekend and cutting things out that I usually have.  I really felt that it was worth it.

I headed downstairs and was ready to face the scales.  I had been keeping a log on the notepad on the refrigerator so there wouldn't be any guessing.  When I got on the scale Friday, I thought ... darn, I've gained a little but immediately thought ... I can turn that around over the weekend and at least stay the same on the scales Monday.  But, when I went to the notepad, it showed I had lost because I forgot where I was the time before.  Good move on writing it down.

I really did paying attention over the weekend and I even worked out.  A little bit of zumba from UTube in the room on Friday night and a whole 30 minutes on the bike in the workout room on Saturday PLUS all the walking we did while shopping.  I was pretty confident.

SHOT DOWN.  The scales were back up and now I didn't even know if I'd have a turtle at TOPS because there were a several numbers on my pad but I didn't know which one was from last Monday.  I knew it'd be close.

My last gain was the week before Christmas and my streak ran out a lot sooner than I hoped.  I gained 3/4# last night.  It's not huge and I'm sure if I work really hard or maybe even just a little harder I'll have a good loss next week.  I could analyze it this way and that ... last Tuesday was when I had a CODE RED day with snacking.  I was completely out of control and felt helpless.  I don't feel that way now and a small gain will not make me go back to that dark place.  I'm pulling my boot straps up and DOING what I need to do.

THE WEEKEND

I didn't take the time to post yesterday.  We packed up after breakfast at the hotel and headed home after a relaxing weekend.  Well, it was for me anyway ... I needed to get away from it all and I believe it helped.  Saturday morning I used the workout room.  The first time this year that I did any type of structured exercise.  I got on the bike and it didn't take long to wonder if I could even make it to 10 minutes.  I then got out my Kindle and the focus was on it, instead of 1 minute, 2 minutes, geez this is taking forever ... 3 minutes.  I rode for 30 minutes.

My afternoon was spent at the mall shopping with the wife of Gary's co-instructor.  I then realized how out of shape I was.  Shopping was tiring with all the walking.  That has NEVER happened before.  When we stopped for lunch, having Chinese, I oped just to have fried rice with no entree.  I was saving my calories for dinner.  We were going to a steakhouse we had discovered last year.

When Kim and I got back to the hotel, the guys were back from teaching and in the jacuzzi down at the pool.  I had brought my suit but even though the hot bubbly water would have felt good on my back, I didn't want to bare myself where you could see all my flaws ... like you can't see them in jeans and sweater.  Maybe next time, but right then I was feeling pretty self conscious.

Dinner was good but it's funny how you build things up in your mind and then it's a little disappointing when reality hits.   Like I said, it was good but not as good as I had remembered from the year before.  Maybe it would have been better with the hot bread that I refrained from or if I had had a dreamsicle like Gary had.  

I really didn't want to go straight home.  We talked about a movie, but the timing wasn't right.  I was probably better off not going to a movie because I know I'd be into the popcorn.  We stopped for lunch and got home around 2:00.  I immediately unpacked and started the washer.  Back into the thralls of normalcy.  I'd already had my excitement for the weekend.

BACK TO THE OLD ME

Yesterday morning I knew I should have gotten up earlier but on these winter mornings when it's dark out and the blanket and comforter make it so much cozier, it's hard.  It seems like everything is hard.  I did manage to roll out of bed on the second snooze alarm which gave me enough time to throw things into a bag for our trip.  Gary would be picking me up at the office when I got off at noon and if I forgot something ... oh well.

On the drive to work we had talked about where to stop for lunch because once you got out of the city, the choices were limited.  Although we basically decided on what area of town to stop, our decision was made for us.  My boss called and asked me to pick him up something from the deli.  I told him that I didn't have the car today, but Gary could grab us all something on the way in.  He said if it wasn't that much trouble, that'd be fine.  The trouble wasn't with the inconvenience of stopping, it was what I normally ordered from Shapiro's.  Burger on bun and mac 'n cheese.  They have the BEST mac 'n cheese.  That's what I REALLY wanted and I thought ... what makes this so hard.  Just get a serving of mac 'n cheese and be satisifed with that WITHOUT the burger.  You know ... my inner voice was right for once.  That's what I got and I enjoyed it without any guilt of overeating at lunch.

We were then on our way to Illinois.  We were staying at a Drury Inn where they have "ALL THE EXTRA WITHOUT THE EXTRA PRICE".  For 90 minutes in the evening they treat their guests to three alcoholic beverages plus warm food.  It used to be just snacks and veggies but I guess to compete with other hotels, you can now actually make this little reception your place for dinner.  Gary said that's what the other couple we were with planned on doing.  I tried to choose wisely staying away from the hotdogs and chips and filling up on salad before I had small servings of some other things.  I may have overdone it but I still felt good about being better than I would have a couple of days prior.  For me, it was a start.

We sat around and talked and because of Illinois being on central time, we turned in kinda early.  When I got back to the room while Gary read, I got out my Kindle to which I had downloaded a Zumba clip from YouTube.  I could only do about five minutes but it was another start.  Maybe I'd hit the workout room in the morning.

I'M GLAD I'M ME

Yesterday didn't have a ton of excitement but it was still a good day.  It's still very slow at work but I kept myself busy, even doing a lot of clock watching.  I decided I was going to the mall on my lunch hour.  One of the stores had a big sale going on and it could be fun just looking through the racks.  It also meant that I would get some walking in ... I'm not exercising on a regular basis yet, so I try to grab a little here and there just to keep me moving.  I had bought a mustard colored jacket a couple of weeks ago and as I was going up the escalator, I saw a striped shirt that would go perfect with my new jacket and it was less than ten bucks, so I guess that was my excitement for the day.

Can annoying things be exciting too?  Yesterday I described exciting as something different, something that doesn't happen every day.  Well our email got hacked and I'm glad that's not an everyday thing because it's a hassle and so frustrating when you're trying to fix something that you don't know that much about.  Why do people get such a thrill from screwing things up for somebody else.  Our son said all we need to do is changed our password.  I'm not that computer literate but finally got that done but when more messages came in from bounced emails it just stuck in my crawl and toyed with my positive way of thinking.  I'm trying to remember the adage about acting instead of reacting. 

Gary tried a new recipe for dinner.  It was a pork dish that had portebello mushrooms in it.  He called me to ask about another ingredient (green peppers) and I said to leave it out because I really don't like the aftertaste it leaves.  Maybe it would have helped because even with a sauce, it was kind of bland but still okay.  It kept me from going back for seconds though.  

We're headed out of town for the weekend and I should have packed last night but fell asleep watching "Elementary" and had to get up earlier this morning.  I wish I was a morning person but at my age, I don't think that will ever happen.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

I think I may be coming out of my funk.  I hope so ... it's dark, dreary and lonely in there, making it hard to know which way to turn and not knowing if anyone is there that is willing to help you.

What turned things around ... mmmmm, I belonged to a group of on-line TOPS members, some of whom got together each summer.  A retreat of sorts with many good memories.  The lady that hosted it for over ten years had many irons in the fire over the past few years and discontinued the get together a few years back. The on-line group while still available lacked activity.  I tried several times to ask questions, share information, to get some activity going to no avail.  We went from 661 posts in January of 2006 to 6 posts in December of 2012.  Last week someone else posted something to try to breathe some life back into what was once a really supportive and beneficial tool.  It's not the way it used to be and I don't know if it'll ever be but I'm contributing and using it because I really need all the support I can get and am grabbing at every straw.

Moving on ... everyday our new motivator has posted a question.  It's not necessarily a weight-related question but it could be by how you answer it.  Yesterday it was  ....Are you seeking contentment or excitement. That was a no brainer for me and my answer was "Definitely excitement.  I'm so bored with everything right now and it is affecting my weight loss goals.  Instead of sitting and waiting for something exciting though, I'm venturing out today to see what I can find instead of waiting for it to find me.  We'll see what happens."

I knew that's what I needed ... maybe not the true definition of excitement like going sky diving but more than get up go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed and repeat.  I was doing less and less and becoming more and more miserable.  I needed to do something that was different from what I had made out my routine to be.  I immediately started searching on the internet about self-made excitement.  What you can do to put excitement into your everyday life. I found it could be little things ... just doing something out of the ordinary.  My first thought and I don't know where it came from was to send Gary an email stating ... you pick the music, I would like us to dance when I get home from work.  I don't know why but that lifted my spirits.  There was a little anticipation of what song he would choose and rekindling romance.

I decided that I was going to get a salad from a place that is about the farthest I would ever walk for lunch.  Yes, it was cold out ... yes, I have been saying that I despise the cold but I felt good about moving my body in the brisk air ... maybe it would even burn off more calories.  You know what I found when I went outside ... my shadow, yes the sun was out and it seemed to rubbing off on my disposition.  As I walked, I saw a guy sitting on the sidewalk with a sign.  It said "homeless ... willing to work".  For some reason at that moment, I envision myself in his spot with my sign saying "hopeless .... willing to work?"  Was I willing to work to lift myself up ... yes, I am.  I haven't even thought of having a salad for lunch for a long time.  All I wanted was comfort food, hot food because the weather was cold and nothing else would do.  I have been filling my subconscious with a lot of hooey lately.  I got something different than my usual ... using this new found excitement factor.  It was an applewood salad made with spinach and it was wonderful.  I was also picking up a wrap to take back to my boss and he was buying ... what could be better.  Well, after I ordered his wrap, I discovered it wasn't HIS usual.  I had ordered the chicken caesar wrap INSTEAD of the chicken cheddar wrap, so when I finished my salad, I went back and reordered and on my way back to the office gave the homeless guy my mistake and paid my boss back for it.  So, I didn't exactly get my "free lunch" but that was okay from my eyes being opened and answering my own questions.

In my searching for excitement, I was also lead to a blog which I had read in the past and even purchased the book the author of the blog had written and there was something in his latest post that I took to heart.  This man had once weighed over 400 pounds and he had lost over 200 pounds and kept it off for 18 months.  He has been struggling for the past six months, feeling lost but has recommitted himself.  In one post a friend wrote to him about the "lost feeling".  "Today I want to share something in hopes it might reach the person who sent the message about being "lost and hopeless". You see, I once felt profoundly lost and hopeless. Those feelings were horrible, but what I didn't know at the time was that those feelings were about to be the very thing that helped me break free to a new life more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. 25 years ago I had reached the end of my rope and it was all I could do to just hang on. Then I let go of the rope with one hand and reached out for help. I couldn't believe it when the people who answered my cry for help told me to let go with the other hand too! I thought, "Cant you see I'm barely hanging on here!?!" They explained to me that what I was holding onto wasn't going to help me. In fact I was holding on to my old self, my old way of thinking. They shared with me that I felt lost because I was lost, my old map was never going to help me because I was following it when I got lost. They also said I felt hopeless because hanging onto my old beliefs was no hope and deep down I obviously knew it. I couldn't argue with them because they made too much sense AND I could tell by the way they talked that they had been right where I was and had found a way out. Well I did let go, against everything in me crying out to hang on, I let go. What I found was that I did NOT plummet to my demise as all my fears had told me I would if I let go. Instead I was for the first time in a long time free. I was free from the strongest bondage that can ever exist. Those are the bonds that hold me in place, not because they are unbreakable, but because I cling to them. So if you feel lost I encourage you to look around and realize you are lost. And if you feel hopeless know that only by reaching out for help can you find hope. Real hope, real change. After all, as it was for me, I'll bet it is the same for you: All my best thinking got me lost and hopeless. Quit hanging on. Let go and fly."

So, I guess I've let go.  I've got a new plan and if it doesn't seem to work, I'll let go and try something else. 

BUT THAT WAS YESTERDAY

. . . and yesterday's gone.  A song from my era by Chad and Jeremy.  A golden oldie.  I guess that's how I've been feeling .... OLD.  Yes, I am a Senior ... but age has nothing to do with the way I should feel.  I'm in good health and able to move around like I always have.  The body is willing but . . . how does that saying go?

I know my problems right now are all in my head and are slowing down my weight loss.  I was being sarcastic yesterday about the positive, trying to jar myself back into all the good things I could be doing.  I haven't reached rock bottom and I'm telling myself this morning that I'm not going there.  I'm not going any lower.  I'm not giving back those 20 pounds I've lost.  I'm digging myself out of this rut here and now.  I could wait it out until spring giving myself excuses to go out for a fast food lunch to lift my spirits or head to the vending machine in the middle of the afternoon because I'm bored or have an extra glass of wine because that sounds .... mmmmm, what does that sound like.

This morning on my drive to work I was thinking about restrictions and how they can be so ... well restrictive.  What I'm trying to say is I just feel held back.  The lack of sun this time of year ... the lull in my workload ... things that go wrong that I don't have any control over.  It's funny how the force of a few things can pull you in like a tornado and take you places you don't really want to go.

I'm acting like nothing matters but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I'll find that eating relecklessly will matter when I weigh-in on Monday.  Not doing the laundry will matter when I go to pack for a weekend trip, sitting and worrying about my state of mind will matter when I forgot something important because I wasn't putting my focus in the right direction.

I've had my pity party.  It's time to find alternatives instead of thinking I'm restricted to one thing, one way, one thought.

Today is a new day ... yesterday's gone and with it all the baggage, negatives, restrictions, and imperfections. I'm capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for.  It's time to put one foot in front of the other and see how far I can go.

REVERSE IT

I lost big last night.  I'm on top of the world.  Nothing can stop me.  My positive attitude is abounding.  I've got this in the bag.  I turn my nose up at junk food.  Only the basic three meals for me.  It doesn't matter that tomorrow is a brand new day.

This is what I want to say in my next post.  I'm just not there yet.