Thursday, June 24, 2010

Fear Creeping In

Good News and Bad News to report this morning. I finally got on the scales and they went down WAY down ... well for me anyway. If I count by five's of the lines on the scale I just passed one ... no it doesn't mean 5#'s lost but it went past that mark on the scale and I'm going to look at that as a milestone. It's not as big as going into the next sets of numbers but I'm sure I'll see that soon if I continue the effort I've shown the past couple of days. I've got to keep reminding myself that I've just started. You're always excited once you start something, especially if there was apprehension and procrastination involved. But it's keeping the motivation that is key to continuing this journey.

The Bad News which I guess wasn't as bad as I initially felt and after I had some time to rationalize and rework it. Anyway, last night I was determined not to sit on my butt when I got home from work like I tend to do. I had a mountain of receipts to log into my Money program and see where the budget stood. Well, it turns out it didn't stand at all, it collapsed. I spent way more than I remembered or should have. The weekend in Put in Bay didn't help and I was robbing Peter to pay Paul with some of the accounts.

When I had finished allocating, I felt drained and depressed. I'm used to living a certain lifestyle. I deserve it. I work for it. I know that we're very blessed and I am appreciative of all that we have but I guess things need to change. The belt needs a little tightening. Funny that can be taken in a couple of contexts, but it worth working on and adjusting. At 8:45, I told Gary I was going to bed. I needed to escape from it all. I was pretty down. I was surprised that I choose bed over ice cream, cashews, cookies and whatever else was in the kitchen.

This morning after the good news on the scales which helped my mood, I started thinking of the one concern I had about not being able to take the vacation we were thinking about in July. Although no plans has been set, I had the date picked and I was spending a lot of time exploring different possibilities from a few days in Wisconsin to looking at discounts on cruises. All I knew was that I wanted that vacation. One of my main joys is not working and being able to travel. We have been pretty much able to do that, although not extravagantly, and I wanted that to continue. The fear was creeping in again. I could feel the vulnerability and wanting to feel better with some sort of pastry. I've read there are really only two emotions Love and Fear. All other feelings are byproducts of those two. I was feeling anger, frustration and loss ... but it all came from fear. Fear that I wasn't able to achieve a goal.

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