IT'S ONLY ONE DAY

I made it through yesterday without any junk.  I was tempted but I succeeded.  I didn't eat anything that I didn't plan to.  I feel good about that.  It's just one day but I will make the effort to turn that day into future good days.  We did a little more shopping last night and I think I've done about all I can do for our company party in a few hours.  So, a little bit of stress is off my shoulders.  I'm looking forward to the weekend and to Christmas ... there's still a little bit of kid in me.  Maybe that's why I'm still throwing temper tantrums when I can't do what I want to do.

BREAKING ALL THE RULES

Well, I haven't posted in a couple of days.  That means I have nothing good to say about my progress.  It really sucks that I can't hold it together.  Things seemed to have changed overnight, although looking back, I've been slipping for several weeks.  That being said, I get up everyday thinking I'm back on track, I'm turning things around and I will eventually get where I'm headed.

Today I have motivation to make that happen.  This morning I got on the scale for my LAST weigh in of the Holiday Challenge I'm in.  Maybe I should backtrack a bit ... I weighed in Monday at TOPS with a 2 1/2# gain.  I knew it was going to be a gain but didn't know how much and in a way was somewhat relieved.  I felt it could actually have been a 5# gain or more.  I felt huge.  I did count my blessings.  This was my first gain since the middle of October and only the second gain since I really got serious back at the end of July.  I've also lost 15# which is nothing to sneeze at.  I should have written all of this down on Tuesday but I wallowed in my defeat.  I need to be constant about blogging no matter what.  Tuesday, I told myself I'm back to the basics but holiday stress and holiday treats were too much for my weakened state of confidence and I had trouble saying no.

Yesterday, I was going to give it another shot.  I did well at the office until lunchtime.  I had pretty  much wrapped up all the prep work for our Office Christmas party tomorrow.  Even though I wanted something off the grid for lunch, I calmed myself and choose 1/2 sandwich and soup from Paradise Cafe.  When I got back to the office, I went back into party mode double checking my list and worrying that I had forgotten something.  I tried to reassure myself that it doesn't have to be perfect, just fun and only I would know every little detail.  I walked down the hallway to the supply room and saw a bucket of gourmet dipped pretzels on the counter.  I couldn't help myself ... maybe just one.  That did it, it was several trips back since I knew where the stash was and then I remembered I had a chocolate chip cookie in my purse that I was going to take home to Gary from lunch but I had started something and ate that too.  When I got home, it didn't stop.  I decided to do something worthwhile for a change ... ya know, keep active instead of vegging on the sofa in front of the TV.  I had gifts to wrap, so why not do that.  I needed to wrap the gift for the gal I supervise which was a candy dispenser.  I had Gary look at it and put batteries in, but it wouldn't work.  That meant I had to run out and find something else while Gary fixed dinner.  I ended up picking up a candy dish and of course I needed to stop at the drug store and get some candy to put in it. 

Dinner was good (Parmesean Chicken) and I stuck to my small plate and one serving unlike having seconds of chili the night before.  However, wrapping the gifts with leftover candy that didn't fit in the jar proved to be too tempting and I got into that.  Another day of mindless, can't turn it off eating.  Who is this person?

Okay, all caught up ... I got on the scale this morning for the challenge and the scale was down 3# from what I weighed on Monday.  It doesn't make any sense.  I'm a person that wants reasons.  I analyze and over analyze.  I've been snacking like a maniac and the scale is down?  This time I just need to know things aren't always as they seem and just accept it.  God is giving me another chance to pull myself together.  I'm not getting on the scales again until the morning of my next TOPS weigh-in which is January 7 but I do feel more in control.  I don't need the sickening sweet stuff, in fact just mentioning it really send negative waves through my brain this morning.  I'd rather have something more substantial. 

THERE IS STILL HOPE!

BLAH ... HUMBUG

I've really got the blahs today.  I feel pretty overwhelmed.  I am definitely going backyards and will have some things to make up to get off some of the weight I packed on this past week.  I'll find out how much that is tonight.  I'm not giving up just preparing to help me make the most of the emotional side.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

Yesterday didn't start out too well ... When I left for work, I tried backing out of the garage with the door still down.  I was easing out and I realized pretty quick what I was doing ... or wasn't doing, as the case may be and thereby ended up only leaving a small dent in the door.  I know I'm not a morning person, but I'm usually a bit more awake than I appeared to be yesterday.  Maybe my mind was just somewhere else.

Yesterday was my first born's birthday.  I really miss living so far away on occasions like this.  While he does have the pressures of supporting a wife and three kids, he still appears to be in his 20's to me ... maybe that's because I'm still stuck in my 40's, so he can't be there himself. 

I was really off yesterday when it came to eating right.  I keep telling myself to get back to the basics but I'm just not handling temptation well.

We went to Gracie's and Jacob's Christmas program in the evening and it was a very nice program and the kids seem to enjoy the songs they sang.  It was very crowded and we knew to get there early.  Afterward we stopped to get a bite to eat and I honestly took the approach that I had ruined the day already ... might as well get a sandwich and fries.  I got away from that kind of thinking over the past four months ... why is it returning?

DIFFERENT

Not much to post today about yesterday ... time is just moving along too quickly.  I woke up and didn't feel that great ... must have been the sleep issue.

We had our department Christmas lunch at work.  We went to a new restaurant in downtown Indy which was quite different.  The menu wasn't very extensive and I wondered if I'd be able to find something since I'm such a finicky eater.  It wasn't really an Asian restaurant but the meal was served in Bento Boxes which was intriguing.  You ordered one entree and three sides.  The entree was warm but all the sides were served cold and so odd that we had to ask the waiter to describe the contents.  I found only three things that I THOUGHT I would like.  I had the pork tenderloin for my entree which was delicious.  The greens-type salad and the green bean/almonds type dish weren't that bad but I didn't like the orange thingy.  All in all I enjoyed it and the portion sizes fit right in with what I'm trying to accomplish.  I would never say that I, myself, wanted to go back to this restaurant but if someone said they were going and ask me to go along, I would.

After lunch we exchanged gifts.  We did the normal thing of trying to guess who our Secret Santa was and I guess it was obvious to everyone who I had.  I normally am so busy this time of year with office stuff that I just wrap a gift and leave it ... but this year, I wanted to get more into the spirit.  I put little poems on my two Secret Santa gifts left earlier in the week and I guess my creativity gave me away.  I got a nice red scarf and stocking hat from my Secret Santa.

We got the rest of the afternoon off and I did a little Christmas shopping and then home to catch up on TV shows that I feel asleep during the night before when I couldn't keep my eyes open.  We watched Rizzoli and Isles and in the last scene, they were eating pizza.  Talk about the power of suggestion.  So we went to Jockomo's for dinner where I got my spinach salad and Gary got pizza.  I got sucked in by the breadsticks this time and ate way too many plus a slice of pizza.  I've got to keep my guard up because this month isn't going to get any easier.

TO SLEEP

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky;
I've thought of all by turns, and still I lie
Sleepless; and soon the small birds' melodies
Must hear, first uttered from my orchard trees,
And the first cuckoo's melancholy cry.
Even thus last night, and two nights more I lay,
And could not win thee, Sleep! by any stealth:
So do not let me wear tonight away:
Without Thee what is all the morning's wealth?
Come, blessed barrier between day and day,
Dear mother of fresh thoughts and joyous health!
TO SLEEP
BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH 

I had about 3 hours of sleep to make my way through yesterday and it wasn't easy.  I went to bed around 11:30 on Monday night, falling asleep with the TV on.  Around 1:30 a.m., I woke up to Craig Ferguson and laid there for a couple of hours trying to shut down my brain.  I was thinking about Christmas parties, shopping, work, vacations, wine, weight, new clothes .... I just couldn't turn off the rumblings in my head.  I tried counting stuff ... sheep, snowflakes, calories.  I rolled to my right, I rolled to my left, I laid on my back.  I once heard don't let your tongue hit the roof of your mouth and you'll be asleep in an instant.  My tongue got tired and wanted to be left alone but my mind didn't.  I finally got up, sent a couple of emails, paid some bills, played some games and then it was about 90 minutes before the alarm was to go off, so I went back upstairs and after about 20 minutes I was asleep.  I don't do well with naps and that's what I had but I should be grateful I got another hour of sleep.

I guess my body thought not sleeping should be compensating with eating because that's all I wanted to do yesterday ... snack.  I got through most of the day okay with an extra snack of pretzels and cashews in of all places ... bed when I went upstairs after dinner and shopping around 9:00 p.m. and found I couldn't keep my eyes open.  It was a better night's sleep for me but my sleeping sounds (I don't snore) must have sent Gary off to the spare room.

WHO KNEW

I didn't post over the weekend and that's really not all that unusual, even though my goal is to post daily.  It was just a busy, busy weekend but the honest truth is that I was definitely struggling and was in denial.  I wasn't ready to see it in writing ... you know, my vulnerability and mistakes.

Our Christmas party was a success and everyone had fun.  Some of the games didn't go as well as I hoped but no one seemed to care.  There was lots of laughs and food and adult beverages.  I wasn't as successful as I had hoped but I didn't totally fold my hand either.

Sunday I was tired and nursed a headache and didn't feel like getting out and doing the shopping I needed to do.  It was leftover turkey sandwiches for lunch while we watched football.  Way to go COLTS!.

Last night at TOPS I weighed in with a loss of 1 1/2#.  I totally did not think that would happen.  I was holding my breath that I would stay the stay as the week before.  I can't quite get my head around eating a higher calorie range (I never lowered my calories from 1600 like I said I would) and then be WAY over on the weekend with not the wisest choices.  You play with fire and you're going get burned ... so, I've put a stop to the mindless eating and am back on track.  I know I will have to be extra careful this week as the body chemistry does it calibration. 

Christmas Party #2 of three is now in the books.  Those are just parties I'm responsible for ... there are two others.  One is tomorrow for my department at work and the other is a family party that my niece is hosting a week from Saturday.  I'll get through all of them without major damage but I'm going to enjoy the season regardless.

WAITING

Waiting ... until tomorrow to post.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

I truly hate weighing in purposely twice a week.  I like challenges but maybe it wasn't the wisest thing for me to do in entering this holiday challenge.  I have a couple more weigh-ins and it'll be history and I need to remember in the future how I'm feeling now in considering any challenge again.  It's hard enough facing the scales once a week but I'm finding the scale always seem to fluctuate UP on Thursdays.  That was the case yesterday when I was up a little over a pound and had to report a gain.  It's not enough that I feel bad but I'm on a team and I'm dragging them down.

It's funny after weighing in I had the senseation all day that I was thinner.  Could be because I was wearing the suit that is the loosest on me but it was really more than that ... oh yes, my rings were looser too and that's always a good sign but my attitude was good and confident.  I need more of that.

Not much happened yesterday I was mainly in a Christmas card mode.  Both at work and at home.  I had to run to the post office at noon for stamps and decided to stop and get a roast turkey sandwich and salad.  Gary's still under the weather so it was toasted ravioli and a salad for dinner.  Sadly, I couldn't stay away from the bread and had two breadsticks.  Maybe, I'm feeling too confident?

LOSING BATTLE

I'm a bit frazzled this week.  Seems like I'm in a time crunch.  Maybe I'm just afraid that things are going to get down to the wire and I'm going to stress out and not enjoy the Season like I should.  I think I'm in pretty good shape keeping up but that fear lingers.

I also have this feeling that I'm losing it when it comes to my weight loss goals and that kind of "losing it" doesn't mean weight.  I feel that I'm really pushing the envelope and as long as I get away with it ... I keep pushing.  Gary has been sick all week with a cold and a touch of the flu.  I've always known how helpful he's been around the house, but it's really evident this week.  Since we were gone over the weekend and we have this big party coming up on Saturday, I've been trying to prep the house when I get home from work, so that means I don't have time to grocery shop and cook, so it's been grabbing carryout for dinner.  I also didn't take the time to lower my calories like I said I was going to and while I've been under, I still think it's too much.  I walked one day this week and have been on my feet more than usual, but I still don't think that is as effective as going to the gym. 

The only thing I can say is that I'm aware of all of this and I'm doing what I can.  I know if I can get through the next few weeks, it may instill more confidence in my thinking for 2013.

IT DIFFERENT NOW

Back in June of 2010 I started blogging. My daughter had been a good example and I followed her lead. She lost around 50# and I lost over 30. Then the holidays rolled around. We were doing quite a bit of traveling then too ... but the big difference was that around the holidays, I didn't have official weigh-ins for about six weeks. Starting in November around my birthday, I started playing the denial game and blogged off and on. When I finally did make my TOPS meeting the week before Christmas, I showed a 4 1/2# gain from sometime in November. It was all up the scale from there. The blog posts got fewer and fewer ... half as many in December, January and February, just one in March, four in April and then I was gone. When I started blogging again in August of this year. I started out with the same results. A great loss for the month. As I write this post, I have 15+ pounds off in four months about half of what I lost back in 2010 in about 5-6 months. I thought I had done so much better back then. But doing averages, I'm really not that much off the mark. Why do things seem to be much harder this time? I guess I shouldn't look back or compare things to the past. I need to keep reminding myself, it is different now. I'm traveling and not gaining. I committed to my blog. I'm getting through the holidays and parties. I have a network of friends out there cheering me on and even though it seems to be slow going, I will eventually see my goal.

WELL THAT DIDN'T WORK

As you saw from my post yesterday I didn't have time to write but wanted to stick to my commitment to myself to post daily if I could and had access.  There really wasn't much to post about Sunday anyway.  We went to Mass and then I dropped Gary off at the winery and continued my Christmas shopping.  We headed home around 5:00 (a 3-hour trip).  We stopped for dinner at a steakhouse that I had heard raves about.  It was even recommended by my brother when he was alive.  It was called "The Beef House".  The parking lot was packed at 7:30 which definitely was a good sign.  Well, not everyone's opinions are alike.  It had a really nice salad bar, better than most but I can't say the same for the featured item that the restaurant is named after.  I was expecting this thick slab of ribeye, melting like butter in my mouth.  Not even close.  Oh well, I can now say been there, did that!

Yesterday, as I mentioned was busy.  My "important date" was #1 of three Christmas parties.  Yeah, here I go again.  I was responsible for the activities at the party since it was for my TOPS group and I'm the leader.  I had asked for volunteers for the games but had no one step forward so you know what happens then.  I had ideas running through my head all weekend.  Yes, I hear voices in my head :)  I only had a few hours to get them sorted out and down on paper for the party, so I used every spare moment I had.  At least I might be able to use these for party #2 on Saturday.

It was then off to weigh-in.  I had upped my calories this week by 400.  I thought that 1200 was barely sustainable and I had lost over a pound last week with more calories Thanksgiving week.  I bought into all I heard about not eating enough and my metabolism shutting down.  Okay, my weight status.  I did lose ... 1/4# and I'm not going to turn my nose up at that.  It's a loss and during this time of year, I'm certainly okay but the daily calorie projection is going back down some.

I was somewhat miffed at myself last night.  I was holding it all together at dinner.  Not having the best selection (another buffet) but keeping my portions small and NO DESSERT.  As I looked at other people's plate ... I know shame on me for judging .... I was surprised.  We were a weight loss group.  Plates piled high and multiple desserts, huh???  I was okay until I got home and must have been feeling some deprivation because I ate the last two pieces of Gary's pizza that he had delivered for his dinner. 

Sometimes you've got it ... sometimes it's got you.  But, I'm okay.  I'm carrying on!

I'M LATE

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date
No time to say "Hello", "Goodbye" 
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

A trip to Erick's was the last scheduled trip on the calendar, but who keeps a schedule.  Maybe I should, but things happen.  When we were in Springfield, IL in October for a Knot Convention that Gary was involved in, we stopped at a winery on the way home.  While we were there, the owners mentioned they have a Christmas Market during the weekends in Advent and after seeing the rings that Gary makes invited him to come over and set up space at this bazaar.  I knew that I had a lot to do the first weekend because of our party next weekend and thought maybe the third week might be a possibility.  However, when I found I had Thursday and Friday off and got my decorating done turn things around.  So there we were in Bloomington, Illinois.  Gary sold a ring within 45 minutes and had a ball talking to people all day.  I wish I was that extroverted but you know what they say about opposities attracting.

I used Hotwire again for our hotel accomodations but when I went to check in, they didn't have our reservation.  I didn't panic ... I just called Hotwire and got things worked out and ended up getting a lower rate.  I did a little shopping and headed back to the winery.

We had dinner at Outback and I ordered chicken and a baked potato, being very conscious of what I was eating ... especially the empty bread plate in front of me.  I think I'm getting the hang of eating while traveling.  I just hope those aren't "FAMOUS LAST WORDS"

YESTERDAY

Not much happened so this will be another short post.  I was up earlier than I wanted and I thought about walking but it was dark out.  Don't know why I didn't think about a video or dancing or jumping jacks, sit ups, left lifts .... I know you have to seize every opportunity but for some reason those things didn't cross my mind.

I got busy finishing my decorating and straightening up and before I knew it, it was 10:00 a.m.  I hadn't stopped to have breakfast and thought then it was too late and I'd just save my calories. 

In the last two weeks our dishwasher, wine cooler and printer have gone KABUT.  The dishwasher went out the day after we had 20 for dinner but that didn't bother me ... maybe because Gary does the dishes.  I really don't like the dishwasher because it leaves waterspots.  Then on Wednesday Gary noticed the wine cooler's temp was showing 90 degrees which might be okay for mulled wine but "cooler" gives you a hint as to what the temp is suppose to be.  The cooler was nice to have but there's always the fridge.  But, when the printer went out yesterday morning we took off for the office supply store because that is a necessity.  Usually things like that change my mood, but I'm not going off the deep end.  They say things come in three's, so I hope we're over and done with the breakdowns and that I didn't have one.

Later in the afternoon, I went out again to pick up where I left off with my Christmas shopping.  I pretty much couldn't find anything for anyone on my list.  I did find a pair of black heels for myself.  My next ten pounds off (which I'm 4# from) was going to benefit me with a pair of shoes.  However, I couldn't wait because of the good buy.  There were only $8 marked down from $30.  Maybe I'll wait to wear them until I lose those other four pounds. 

For some reason, I was attracted to all the glittery and sequined clothing.  I didn't feel as rolly polly as usual and was envisioning myself in some of the bling.  Am I too old to wear something like that ... NEVER, is my body out of shape to wear something like that ... hmmmmm, I wonder.  Of course most of the stuff was in junior sizes and cut at angles I didn't have yet or was too short.  I wondered if maybe the more mature women's store may have something not quite so young looking.  However, when I when into one of those over size 14 stores, I didn't see any glitter.  The first thing I saw was birds.  Why does that stuff have to look so matronly and boxy. 

I had walked quite a bit around the mall and it was time to get home.  Maybe next trip out, I'll be more in the mood to try something on.  You know what they say, you never know until you try (on).