Penny for your thoughts

... or maybe like a bad penny that won't go away, here I am again. I've been living in a confused state since April. I have completely lost my focus on some things that are really important to me. But I guess that's natural for me to deny myself happiness thinking that other people and other circumstances should come first and if there's anything left over that would be enough. Well, the one thing that has zapped all of my energy since April has now been resolved. Time to move on and get back to business.

I always thought I was a multi-tasker. I also never considered myself an emotional eater. I've learned once again it's not an all or nothing world. I can walk and chew gum at the same time but I've found that when things get rough, eating right is the first thing I ditch when I have trouble coping, moving forward, or being stuck on not letting go of a situation. It's just not that important because I feel it only affects me so it's not that important.

Why do I always believe that my place is low man on the totem pole. That my needs never should outweigh those of someone that I feel is more important or more powerful than I. I have always been a people pleaser. I truly believe that's not a bad thing if kept within boundaries. I always thought an emotional eater was one that would eat a whole bag of chips or a whole quart of ice cream or pig out at a buffet ... that wasn't me. I had more control than that ... control over my emotions, yeah that's what I thought.

But since April, I have gained back half of the weight I worked hard to lose. I saw it creep back on pound by pound ... doing a lot a yoyoing along the way. However, when I got on the scale last night, I realized that something had to change. What was different at the start of my journey from what is going on right now. So much ... too much. It's time to start over.

I got on my home scales this morning for the first time in months. I continued to go to TOPS and be weighed weekly, but there's something to be said about those home scales. I don't know exactly what it is ... maybe something just between them and me. Something on a personal level, a realty level ... something I was definitely avoiding. Okay that's done. The next thing was blogging or journaling. For whatever reason that seemed to work and kept my daily accountability. To have something in black and white motivated me to try harder or feel good about my accomplishments, so day one done. The next two things are tougher. Food choices and exercise. But for the next month I'm really going to concentrate and give that my undivided attention. Hopefully by then some good habits will emerge and I'll be on my way again.