I'm glad yesterday is history and that I survived. Going through it, not good ... not good at all. But, looking back things turned out even maybe better than expected so why all the drama. I guess it's just my emotional makeup. Maybe something that needs to be changed or worked on but just like a habit hard to break or change.
Speaking of breaking yesterday morning I was a mess. I just couldn't function. All kinds of negative things were running through my head and it seemed like when I was able to do something I felt I was walking on eggshells and they're so easy to break. What was going on ... what caused the mood swing. I could probably point out some things that contributed to it, but I have no idea what started it or what could have been done to prevent it. It was a giant pity party. I'm still picking up after the party and most things have been put away now and I can look back at the overall picture not just dwelling on the little things that no one knows about or cares about but me.
I did make a couple of strides yesterday. After getting on the scales yesterday morning and to see the loss I had seen on Thursday disappear I didn't give up hope and think ... what's done is done, I'll start again tomorrow. Why does it need to be tomorrow ... what's wrong with right now. At lunch I was tempted by my boss having me get lunch at Shapiro's. I had planned on Subway and I stuck to Subway. It definitely would be about 600 or 700 calories difference or more. I pulled into a Subway that was on the way to Shapiro's and couldn't find a parking space and my determination wavered a bit as I headed to get his lunch ... well, I tried. I decided I needed to try harder and that I'd get his order and take it back to the office and then walk to Subway, the place where I had such a great day last week. Maybe I need to relive the good times. So, that's what I did.
In the afternoon I really had a blunder at work sending out an email that wasn't to be sent but I owned up to it (after having a panic attack) and things worked out when I informed my boss. I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle and I really couldn't handle him blowing up at me for my mistake.
I read my daughter's, Stephanie's, blog and saw how fantastic and how committed she is to her walking program. In looking at her time, I couldn't believe that my running/walking times were more than hers and really felt defeated, thinking of throwing in the towel but felt I had so much invested. Could Gary have calculated wrong .... I went to MapMYRun and put in the streets I ran on Sunday. I guess I did tell him a different route because I put it in twice and got 3.4 miles at 45 minutes. This really boosted my spirits and I'm anxious to try it again because I know I can run longer intervals.
I went to TOPS and weighed in with a loss of 3/4 pounds. While I was disappointed not to have the scale go down into the 80's, I was pleased that I didn't let things get out of control completely and end up with no loss or a even a gain ... it could have certainly gone that way with what I DID want to eat but I found something inside myself to say no at those times I needed to.
When I got home I shared with Gary that my run was really 3.4 miles because I had told him I turned on a different street and he said "no it wasn't". I was crushed. How could I believe in myself if no one else did or at least listen to what I was saying. I had a melt down and as I type this, I'm having another one. Oh how I wish I was arrogant or insensitive or just didn't care but I do and I really don't want to change that. I know I'm just too emotional at times but I'll be okay. I'll prove I'm okay.