Tuesday, August 30, 2011

IT'S NOT ALWAYS AS IT SEEMS

I'm glad yesterday is history and that I survived. Going through it, not good ... not good at all. But, looking back things turned out even maybe better than expected so why all the drama. I guess it's just my emotional makeup. Maybe something that needs to be changed or worked on but just like a habit hard to break or change.

Speaking of breaking yesterday morning I was a mess. I just couldn't function. All kinds of negative things were running through my head and it seemed like when I was able to do something I felt I was walking on eggshells and they're so easy to break. What was going on ... what caused the mood swing. I could probably point out some things that contributed to it, but I have no idea what started it or what could have been done to prevent it. It was a giant pity party. I'm still picking up after the party and most things have been put away now and I can look back at the overall picture not just dwelling on the little things that no one knows about or cares about but me.

I did make a couple of strides yesterday. After getting on the scales yesterday morning and to see the loss I had seen on Thursday disappear I didn't give up hope and think ... what's done is done, I'll start again tomorrow. Why does it need to be tomorrow ... what's wrong with right now. At lunch I was tempted by my boss having me get lunch at Shapiro's. I had planned on Subway and I stuck to Subway. It definitely would be about 600 or 700 calories difference or more. I pulled into a Subway that was on the way to Shapiro's and couldn't find a parking space and my determination wavered a bit as I headed to get his lunch ... well, I tried. I decided I needed to try harder and that I'd get his order and take it back to the office and then walk to Subway, the place where I had such a great day last week. Maybe I need to relive the good times. So, that's what I did.

In the afternoon I really had a blunder at work sending out an email that wasn't to be sent but I owned up to it (after having a panic attack) and things worked out when I informed my boss. I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle and I really couldn't handle him blowing up at me for my mistake.

I read my daughter's, Stephanie's, blog and saw how fantastic and how committed she is to her walking program. In looking at her time, I couldn't believe that my running/walking times were more than hers and really felt defeated, thinking of throwing in the towel but felt I had so much invested. Could Gary have calculated wrong .... I went to MapMYRun and put in the streets I ran on Sunday. I guess I did tell him a different route because I put it in twice and got 3.4 miles at 45 minutes. This really boosted my spirits and I'm anxious to try it again because I know I can run longer intervals.

I went to TOPS and weighed in with a loss of 3/4 pounds. While I was disappointed not to have the scale go down into the 80's, I was pleased that I didn't let things get out of control completely and end up with no loss or a even a gain ... it could have certainly gone that way with what I DID want to eat but I found something inside myself to say no at those times I needed to.

When I got home I shared with Gary that my run was really 3.4 miles because I had told him I turned on a different street and he said "no it wasn't". I was crushed. How could I believe in myself if no one else did or at least listen to what I was saying. I had a melt down and as I type this, I'm having another one. Oh how I wish I was arrogant or insensitive or just didn't care but I do and I really don't want to change that. I know I'm just too emotional at times but I'll be okay. I'll prove I'm okay.

1 comment:

I'm My Favorite said...

Congrats on sticking to your plan and going to Subway. I would have had a hard time in that situation so that's awesome that you said no to temptation.

What was it that my mother always told me? Don't compare yourself to others? I don't think you should be comparing your running to anyone else but yourself. What are your personal running goals? Is it to walk faster? Is it to walk further? Is it just to finish? Is it about making the time to get some exercise? Write down your goals on paper, TRACK them and work to achieve them. It's only a dream until you write it down and then it becomes a goal.

I'll never forget the look on your face when you turned the corner of you first 5k and you saw me and the kids cheering for you. You were so happy and proud of yourself. I could read it all over your face. And when we got back to the building after the race and you were smiling and line dancing and posing for photos. You were happy because you had finished a 5k. You had TRAINED and you had FINISHED. There were no mentions of times or pace in those moments. You just looked so happy to have EXPERIENCED the race. Don't let anyone take that away from you!!!