Disappointing

I remember some weeks back writing about those blogs that I was reading and then all of a sudden *poof* no more updates. I wondered what happened and thought how sad. As the joke goes ... now, I am one!

I know I haven't posted in a while. But you don't post when you feel like you're not doing well and continuing to slip. You don't want to paint a picture of gloom and doom. You want to be the positive one, the motivating one, the one whose blog is worthy of reading.

I think now those are the times you should write for you and not someone else. You need to point out the shortcoming and the problems but also in the next breath give yourself some encouragement and reason for continuing on.

I have been having trouble controlling my eating the last few weeks. I have gained 5 1/2# in the last two. While I thought I was somewhat in control (at times), it's obvious I wasn't. That can change and it will change. I do not want to give back any more than I already have which is about 20%. I want to continue losing and be absolutely giddy when I try on summer clothes.

One of my philosophies when I started was that it was okay if there wasn't that much on my plate at a meal, I was going to have another meal in just a few hours and it would taste MARVELOUS. Here lately, I seemed to have forgotten that and acting like what I was having was my LAST meal so I better chow down.

Late last night I wanted a peanut butter sandwich so bad but I resisted, telling myself that breakfast wasn't that far away and that I should head to bed and I could have that sandwich for breakfast. That's exactly what I did and I have been satisfied all day today, eating what was planned and looking forward to the next meal.

I hope I'm back on the road. Stay focused, Sheilah!

Pain Relief

I've just come from the doctor. I've been living on Advil all week because of the pain in my leg. I have not let it get me to the point where I have given up but it's taking its toll. I have continued my 5k training, as my leg seems to hurt less when I'm on the treadmill. Don't know if I'm focused on getting through the session and concentrating on that instead or what it is. The doctor is treating me with the same drug that he did when I had the shingles last year thinking the nerve is overstimulated again. I hope the medication works. All you want to do when you hurt (mentally or physically) is to feel better and for some reason stuffing my face comes to mind first but is not the answer. I'm pretty sure that's what happened last week and why I gained on Monday. I thought I had eaten okay but I think I may have overdone it on portion size or a few too many low-cal snacks just to get my mind off of other things. I need to find another option. I think I need some sort of hobby or something that will keep my hands busy. I've been playing some games on Facebook with friends. Maybe I need to find some more friends that will play with me.

Blah, Blah, Blah

I got an email this morning from my daughter, Stephanie, asking why no blog updates lately. I told her it was a combination of a couple of things. The least of the reasons was that I had a gain on Monday. It was 1 1/2 pounds and I wasn't expecting it but that didn't make me stop blogging. I just seem to be in a rut right now. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the weather and the blahs of winter. All it seems like I do is go to work and go home. We've been watching our budget since the start of this new year, so we don't even get that occasional meal out ... well, at least not like we used to. Last weekend we had no plans. It's funny when we were constantly on the go, I would give anything for a free weekend but yet when I get it, I'm bored to death. We were fortunate enough to watch Jacob and Gracie on Saturday night, so that did liv'n things up a little, but the work week just seems hum drum and I have no energy and no motivation.

I was so excited to start training for the C25K and this makes my third week but last week was tough as I'm having a problem with my leg. It didn't prevent me from training, however. In fact the leg doesn't hurt as much when I'm on the treadmill. It's just the after effects. The same thing happened last year about the same time and the end result was the shingles. I have no outbreak, so I'm thinking it's just the over stimulation of the nerve in my leg. Over the counter pain stuff seems to quiet it down so I keep going but it's annoying.

I need to stop procrastinating and do at least a couple of things every night to convince myself that I'm doing something worthwhile and that life is what you make of it. It can be boring or it can be active. I'm not a bear, I do not need to hibernate but I sure am ready for spring and it's gonna be awhile until it gets here so I might as well grin and bear it, huh?

Persistence

Yesterday I mentioned that I brought my workout clothes with me to the office to ensure that I would get my 5k training in because of not knowing whether the community center would be open because of the weather. All I can say is that I tried. I changed clothes and went into the company workout room only two find the two treadmills with people on them. I decided to go ahead and eat lunch and then perhaps those people would be finished with their workout. Well, perhaps they were but two different people were on the machines 30 minutes later. The snow didn't seem to be a major problem with the road conditions, so the only other answer would be to exercise after work. Since we're down to one car, Gary picked me up from work and when we got home I quickly made some meatballs, put them in some sauce and was off to the gym. I knew I picked up my IPOD on the way out but couldn't find it and had to do the treadmill without music (second time in a row as the IPOD was dead last time). I got through the session with the only problem being it seemed like the time was ticking away in slow motion. I had a gal running on the treadmill next to me and she certainly seemed to be a pro going at a consistent speed.

Tuesday nights are the best night for TV. Lots of favorite shows and we have the DVR working overtime. I especially enjoy The Biggest Loser. Last night there was a scene where the largest contestant was on the treadmill and challenged to go at a certain speed. I don't know what it was ... over 5 or 6 mph. All I know is that it was faster than I can go. I'm pushing myself at 4.5. Poofs of doubt starting showing up in my head. What kind of doubt? I don't know, I was just bothered. Gary said we should never compare ourselves to others ... either by different talents they have or how they perform. But doesn't that instill something in ourself to push us harder? Well, I guess it can also defeat us ... so, I guess I'll keep go along on the pace I'm on. At least I'm doing it but I still wonder why I can't do what they're doing. I don't know if it all goes back to the premise of being chosen last, or that you're no competition, so why even try. I question that maybe the reason I'm not any competition is because I don't have enough faith in myself so I'm trying a little harder. I mentioned a little about this and the word potential in a previous post. When I first went on Facebook, I was playing Scrabble and Lexulous quite a bit but I'd never win and then the games just quit. A couple of weeks ago, Gary challenged me to a game of Lexulous just between me and him and then another game also playing with a classmate that he plays with on a regular basis. I really tried hard and didn't make my usual quick moves but tried to make myself use strategy and it helped and I think I'm a better player now and even found out after a few games that I could even win. Some things in life are luck but there's also alot to be said with perseverance and drive but you walk a fine line if you trying to live up to someone else's goals.

Doing Well

I'm finding it difficult to find anything to post. I'm staying in the groove and with the colder weather don't seem to have that much going on with the exception of work and my normal activites. I don't have any drama going on in my life or need to vent about anything. We ARE down to one car as we got the settlement check on the car that was totaled Christmas week and we'll be starting the search for a new one, so we're working out a schedule with transportation as best we can. The new year brings not only trimming my body but also trimming the household budget as I may be going to a four-day work week.

At last night's weigh-in, I lost another 2 1/2 pounds. Yes, I think that January may surpass my great month of September as long as I stay focused.

We're suppose to get quite a bit of snow here in central Indiana today, so I brought my work-out clothes as I'm scheduled for my C25k training session today and I don't know if the community center will close because of weather conditions, so I'm opting to get on the treadmill during my lunch break to make sure I get my session in. I noticed this morning in going up stairs that I have a kink in my right knee. I hope it works out and has nothing to do with my training as I was just starting to get in the groove and found the speed I need to be going.

Sleep

Gary went for his annual appointment with the sleep doctor yesterday and told him of his problem waking up and not being able to go back to sleep (he's on a CPAP machine). They both agreed it was probably due to me :( Is that men sticking together or what. I do a lot of tossing and turning and while the noise I make isn't exactly snoring, I know the breathing and throaty sounds could possibly bother him.

He did wake up again last night and I got up with him for awhile and then of course I couldn't go back to sleep. I guess I was really conscious of trying to lie still and my mind was also rolling along with thoughts of work and other activities. I know I laid there for over an hour using a couple of new g0-back-to-sleep techniques. My niece just wrote on Facebook recently to picture a candle and concentrate on the flame ... guess my flame kept going out. I've also heard to not let your tongue touch the roof of your mouth. That only made me think of how hungry I was which usually isn't a middle of the night problem. Finally about an hour before the alarm went off I dozed off and woke up having some stupid dream when I heard the radio buzzing. Maybe I should concentrate on an elephant riding a unicycle or something stupid like that and I could go back to sleep.

Anyway I was surprised I wasn't completely exhausted this morning. I know sleep is important when you're trying to lose weight. It should be part of the eating, exercising routine and I've also heard that you can never make up for lost sleep so I should stop planning on sleeping until noon tomorrow. I usually feel worse when I stay in bed too long anway.

On another note I went to the community center last night. At first I was just going to spend time on the bike as I planned to do my last session of this week's C25K today but I was still haunted by not finishing and giving up on the treadmill on Tuesday. It was there taunting me to get on and show me who had control. So I accepted its challenge. I switched up the speed and walla ... I found my groove. I did the entire circuit and finally felt confident that I can continue on to reach my goal of the three generation race.

Reflecting

While reading the replies when I posted the "SCRAP" award I received from Ann over at Ann is Living Large No More, Darla's comment made me stop and think. One of the facts I stated was that I was very shy but yet there I was in my profile picture obviously speaking in front of a group since I was behind a podium.

Well it took me 30 years to get there and it was mostly in front of my peers, so I was less nervous and maybe did not show my timidness as much. It was also at our annual Christmas luncheon (that I coordinate) and I knew everyone was there to have fun. I love throwing parties but would rather remain in the background. When I first started at the company back in 1978 and had to get in front of the staff (which was much smaller then) I fumbled not only with my words but even knocked over one of the charts as I was trying to explain the trends. The next year went a little better as did the third year. The year after that I wasn't asked to speak but just to prepare a handout. I think it was all just a challenge for me by my supervisor and I thank her for the opportunity.

So many time we're afraid of what we're capable of doing, so we either don't do it or we don't give it our all. I have a very good friend that is a football coach and while together one night, he was talking about one of his players and I said "mmm, sounds like he has some potential". Coach Bill says I hate that word. I can't remember if he went on to explain or maybe I didn't ask but maybe it's because potential means that we could be doing so much better but we're satisfied just to get by.

I could go on, but I think you get my drift and I don't have a lot of time to expand. All I can say is ... if you afraid just go out and do it and see what the outcome is. I bet it's better than what caused the fear that would have stopped you.

Frustrated

Yesterday was pretty much like any other weekday or was it? I had an early morning appointment with the eye doctor. Pretty much everything was okay with the exception of the stigmatism so they are going to switch to a different kind of contact. I'll be glad to get out of the daileys. I struggled with my year prescription of them being hard to get in and then rolling in my eyes.

Then it was off to work. I brought my workout clothes because it was suppose to be my second day of c25k training. My daughter, Stephanie, is in Arizona, on business and her husband, Jim, had a evening meeting and asked if we could watch the kids. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to the gym in the evening so I was going to use the treadmill in my office gym on my lunchhour. I was determined, nothing was going to get in my way ... NO EXCUSES!

I was pumped and ready to do this. I turned on my IPOD and "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" was playing. Let's Hit It! My last session I found out I should have been switching up my speed when I jogged, so with correction in my program I started the warm-up walk at 3.7 and bumped it up to 4.5 when it was time to jog. I got thru the minute but just barely. The next round of jogging I edged down to 4 and struggled. I couldn't find the right combination. I pushed myself, I really did and twice I thought I can't do this but pushed through but I eventually caved and didn't finish the 20 minute alternation. I was really frustrated. I felt defeated. I immediately put something on facebook about it and heard from both my son and daughter. Erick is running his first marathon at Disney World this weekend and I know he'll rock it and Stephanie is also starting the C25k so the two people that I look at for advice gave me some but most importantly showed that they want me to succeed. This program is several weeks long but I have until October until the race that I'm wanting to run. So, even if the training takes twice as long or three, four or five times as long I'm going to continue to continue. I'll keep playing with the speed combinations.

I completed the day with my struggle in the back of my mind wanting a handful of nuts or a fudgie to ease the disappointment but I fought that too. I'm finding how strong I can become.

Being Scrappy

Ann over at Ann Livin Large No More presented me with this award on December 12. Things got really hectic around the holidays and I just kept putting off doing anything about it. It asks that you list 10 honest things about yourself and to pass it along. She waived the passing along but maybe I'll do that too.



1. I'm a coal miner's daughter



2. I was a surprise to my mom and dad. My four siblings were 18 months apart and 23 year later I was born. My mom was almost fifty and dad was 56.


3. I am very shy and insecure


4. I don't act my age


5. I tend to over analyze and hold on to things too long


6. I love new adventures especially when it comes to traveling


7. I have patience except when it comes to being patient with myself

8. I have a tendancy to start out "on fire" but whimp out in the end


9. While I have many people I call friends, I don't really have any close friends besides my family


10. I'm more positive now than I ever have been about reaching my goal this time.

Here's the people I passing the "Scrap" onto
http://justquiteating.blogspot.com Debbie at Weigh Down
http://whitneygettinghealthy.blogspot.com Whitney at Getting Health
http://justoneinch.blogspot.com/ Sorry I don't know your name
http://graciestoughjourney.blogspot.com Gracie at Gracie's Tough Journey

YEAH

Not much time to write this morning. Yesterday was a good day but I'm very tired this morning. Adjusting to the new sleep pattern and getting up earlier. So many adjustments in life. Have adjusted my eating back to normalcy the last few days too.

I was very happy at the scale last night. A four pound loss. That gives me momentum to continue. Only 1 1/2# more to get down to my lowest weight on this journey. My will is a little stronger and it seems to be a little easier to pass by all those extra calories.

Challenge

Yesterday went according to plan. I slept in again, knowing that today I'd be headed back to work and getting up early. Then to church. On the way home, Gary asked what I wanted to do ... meaning go out to lunch or have it at home. I immediately said, "I want to go to the gym". We went home changed clothes and I was anxious to start my Couch to 5k Training. This morning I ask myself why? Not really, I have a little more confidence that I will be able to participate in October at DisneyWorld with my family. In fact, I know it. If I can't run it as planned, I will definiately walk it.

I did a 10 minute warm up on the bike and then got on the treadmill with my instructions. Five minute warm-up and then start alternating jogging for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds and do this for 20 minutes. Easier said than done. What speed do I start. I set it for 3.7 and half way through doubted myself if I was doing this right. Should I be walking and jogging at the same speed. I was definiately jogging taking smaller strides, but it didn't seem right. I got through it and was glad I didn't have to do this everyday. The program says three times on week one, so I'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I later found out ... yes, I was suppose to up the speed on the jogging part. I started questioning if I need to start over and wait until next week. No way, I'm counting it ... it was only the first day.

My eating was in check, as well. Gary fixed a new recipe last night. Chicken Marsala and it was great but my portion was small and I was satisfied with that. It really helps that he is doing the cooking and does these new dishes. It varies our normal meals and variety is the spice of life.

Slow Start

Didn't see the light of day yesterday. Neither Gary or I left the house. It was a nice, relaxing, lazy day. We're kind of edging into the new year at a slow pace and there's nothing wrong with that. The hustle will start tomorrow going back to work after being off work since the Wednesday before Christmas.

I was surprised to hear from some of you yesterday since it had been a while since I posted anything. It's good to know that I have people pulling for me. That's a huge benefit.

While yesterday wasn't anything to write home about, it was still a good day. I got on the scale to see where I was after all the holiday parties and goodies around the house that had tempted me. I was surprised it was about the same as the last time I weighed in so I haven't dug myself too much of a hole to climb out. The next thing I did was measure out my cereal for breakfast instead of eyeing the portion. What I usually pour probably doesn't vary that much but I wanted to get back in that habit. The portion size and the information on the box gave me the exact amount of calories consummed.

Gary fixed tuna salad for lunch and when I went into the kitchen to fix myself a sandwich, I noticed how creamy it was and knew there was more mayo than I would have used, so I decided to warm up some left over in chili instead. It probably would work out to the same amount of calories (ya think) but I was making a conscious effort and decision and maybe that's more important. Dinner was the same problem. Gary fixed vegetables soup and I have no idea how many calories, so I had one bowl thinking that with all the veggies and one serving I'd be okay.

I really wanted to get back on track and start journaling and tracking points but yesterday I found myself just estimating and keeping portions to one serving. I'll keep my plan in front of me and most of all keep balance in my life.

Why Does It Matter

I am so happy the New Year has arrived. So, what's so great or different about today than what was given to me yesterday. A new start, new hope, a new direction. Each and every day is a new start. Every minute that passes can point you on the right path. They were plenty of times to call "do over" as I look back at the past six weeks. Can I get any of that time back and make a different decision ... NO, but I can make some changes going forward and I have and I will. My daughter Stephanie had a very good post on her blog today and it has put some fire in me instead of excuses that's been overflowing in my mind the last few weeks.

I think the only time to look back is looking at the tough times you've made it through, the things that made you proud, the milestones that you've gathered up. I look back at my progress and success in September and know that January can be just as successful.

I was hoping our gym was open today but it is closed because of the holiday. But there's something just about never taking "no" for an answer. There are other means of exercise. I should have taken a walk at midnight last night to welcome the New Year when it was 60 degrees here in Indiana, insteasd of in the 30's like it is now, but I have many choices. I can bundle up and go out anyway. I can pull out an exercise video. I'm can run up and down the stairs a dozen times. I'm sure the alternatives are endless. What would you do?