A BIG THANKS

It took my daughter to open my eyes and realize the important things. I thank her so much for being there for me because lately I've been feeling really alone. I tend to isolate myself, no matter how many others are around me, when I'm confused and lost in which way to turn. I sweat the small stuff way too much. It's good to focus in on something but you also can go overboard. Sometimes all you see is the goal and the importance of it. You lose something along the way in getting there because all you're doing is looking straight ahead. You need to experience some joy along the way. It doesn't have to be 100% serious business. I need to remember I'm not training just for the race but for the exercise, the way my body feels after how much running/walking I do. The fact that I'm doing something instead of the already way too much sitting I do.

I'm finding how important this blog is because it gives me an outlet to express the way I feel. I have the tendency to bottle things up. Once I get it out and see it in writing, then there's the chance that I might try to make some sense of it and the more I write, the more solutions I come up with. I think my only reader now is Stephanie and that's a good thing, because I can be more honest in what I write ... not holding back because I don't want to share something with the world where it may be taken out of context or someone creates an opinion of me. Whether I have readers or not, it's important to remember the blog is for me to better myself. But, the highlight of my day yesterday was Stephanie's response to my blog. It made my day better, it made me stay on track, it made me want to continue to strive for my goals. Nothing much else happened. I went to work, I had the lunch I brought, I ate dinner on my small salad plate. I went for a run/walk ... and that was enough. Tomorrow is always a new start.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS AS IT SEEMS

I'm glad yesterday is history and that I survived. Going through it, not good ... not good at all. But, looking back things turned out even maybe better than expected so why all the drama. I guess it's just my emotional makeup. Maybe something that needs to be changed or worked on but just like a habit hard to break or change.

Speaking of breaking yesterday morning I was a mess. I just couldn't function. All kinds of negative things were running through my head and it seemed like when I was able to do something I felt I was walking on eggshells and they're so easy to break. What was going on ... what caused the mood swing. I could probably point out some things that contributed to it, but I have no idea what started it or what could have been done to prevent it. It was a giant pity party. I'm still picking up after the party and most things have been put away now and I can look back at the overall picture not just dwelling on the little things that no one knows about or cares about but me.

I did make a couple of strides yesterday. After getting on the scales yesterday morning and to see the loss I had seen on Thursday disappear I didn't give up hope and think ... what's done is done, I'll start again tomorrow. Why does it need to be tomorrow ... what's wrong with right now. At lunch I was tempted by my boss having me get lunch at Shapiro's. I had planned on Subway and I stuck to Subway. It definitely would be about 600 or 700 calories difference or more. I pulled into a Subway that was on the way to Shapiro's and couldn't find a parking space and my determination wavered a bit as I headed to get his lunch ... well, I tried. I decided I needed to try harder and that I'd get his order and take it back to the office and then walk to Subway, the place where I had such a great day last week. Maybe I need to relive the good times. So, that's what I did.

In the afternoon I really had a blunder at work sending out an email that wasn't to be sent but I owned up to it (after having a panic attack) and things worked out when I informed my boss. I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle and I really couldn't handle him blowing up at me for my mistake.

I read my daughter's, Stephanie's, blog and saw how fantastic and how committed she is to her walking program. In looking at her time, I couldn't believe that my running/walking times were more than hers and really felt defeated, thinking of throwing in the towel but felt I had so much invested. Could Gary have calculated wrong .... I went to MapMYRun and put in the streets I ran on Sunday. I guess I did tell him a different route because I put it in twice and got 3.4 miles at 45 minutes. This really boosted my spirits and I'm anxious to try it again because I know I can run longer intervals.

I went to TOPS and weighed in with a loss of 3/4 pounds. While I was disappointed not to have the scale go down into the 80's, I was pleased that I didn't let things get out of control completely and end up with no loss or a even a gain ... it could have certainly gone that way with what I DID want to eat but I found something inside myself to say no at those times I needed to.

When I got home I shared with Gary that my run was really 3.4 miles because I had told him I turned on a different street and he said "no it wasn't". I was crushed. How could I believe in myself if no one else did or at least listen to what I was saying. I had a melt down and as I type this, I'm having another one. Oh how I wish I was arrogant or insensitive or just didn't care but I do and I really don't want to change that. I know I'm just too emotional at times but I'll be okay. I'll prove I'm okay.

TOO TOUGH

I had hoped to post through the weekend and I probably should have looking back. Friday I had lunch with a good friend that I hadn't seen in awhile. She is going through some difficult times and it made me realize how good I have it. We ate at a deli where they have the best mac 'n cheese. I tried to work it in my plan as I had been doing well this week ... or though I thought. Shapiro's also has wonderful pies and desserts but I passed them by with no problem.

Friday we had Jacob and Gracie spend the night. Since we hadn't been to their favorite in a while ... we headed to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I had originally thought I would just get a salad but opted for the grilled chicken at the last minute. I thought it would be a more nutritious meal with more vitamins in the baked potato, apples and green beans. I did have a problem with the biscuits. I had two instead of the planned one. Bread seems to be my big issue. I was very tempted to dive into Gracie's mac n cheese and Jacob's dumplings when they were finished with food still on their plate but I seem to be stronger at that point. We went home and the kids had ice cream but I just passed on that with no problem.

Saturday was a pretty boring day with no plans. I got my haircut thinking a change would do me good. I couldn't get in the mood to do anything and looking around me there was so much to do but I just felt stuck. I had a coupon for a BOGO at Ruby Tuesday's so we did a little shopping (which I wasn't in the mood for) later in the afternoon and went to dinner. There was a free concert in the park, so we checked it out to see what kind of music was on tap. It was a soft rock band and they were pretty good. I tried to tell myself that there ARE things to do close to home if I just look.

I wanted to run outside on Sunday morning as I didn't run on Saturday and to stay with my training schedule I needed to stick to it on Sunday. I woke up at 5 but that was way too early and again at 7:00 but thought I'd just lay there for a little while. Finally as the clock was approaching 9:00 I got up and got my running stuff on. I mapped out a route to do a 5k. I hydrated well before I left, so I thought I was well prepared. I had my IPOD and my phone to check my time. I thought this would be a good test for our run at Disney. I started out and my confidence dropped. I had been able to sustain a 12 minute run the last time at the gym. On the road, it was only ONE minute. What makes me give up so easy. Because I can ... because no one is there running next to me ... no one is there telling me I can do it. Why can't I be my own cheerleader. I didn't stop, turn around and come home though. I ran a little and walked more. At least I was going to finish the route and could see what my time would be with both walking and running. As I made one turn down a street, I approached a cross street but there was no street sign and I wasn't sure which way to turn. I choose the wrong way and was thrown off my course. I kept going thinking it would end up being about the same distance and that'd be okay. I made note of where I was at the 45 minute mark and finished at 49 minutes which I thought was pretty good. When I got in the house, Gary mapped out my actual route and it was only 2 1/2 miles. I felt pretty defeated. 1st that I didn't run as much as I felt I should have and secondly that I didn't go as far. I guess I should look at it that I didn't fail, I just set a point to improve. But my negative side has taken over. My mood is on the down side and spending the afternoon alone didn't help any.

I'm not giving up .... I never give up, I just stall out for awhile. It didn't help any getting on the scales this morning either.

Moving Along

Yesterday was pretty calm with no bumps in the road. I got on the scale and was down almost three pounds from a couple of days before. I'm back in the 180's ... I should be in the 170's or below but one day at a time. I have no one to blame but myself for my backslide and ignoring or even defying my weight plan. I have been drinking a lot of water. Well, really not a lot ... but a lot more than usual which could mean just a couple of glasses. But, I'm making a concentrated effort to at least keep a full glass of water on my desk at work and also to drink some in the evening. I know the larger than average loss in just a couple of days is probably mostly from water but that's okay it keeps me going at this point. And starting over, the beginning in very important.

The weather wasn't quite as muggy at noon and I needed to go out and pick up a few things so I decided to walk a couple more blocks and stop for a salad. I know salads can be dangerous by what's in them but I think it's still a little more healthier than something from a fast food joint. It's also a mental thing that I'm making a wiser choice and I want to KEEP making wiser choices.

Last night was 5k training night and Gary and I were off to the gym after I got home and sat for a little while. Our membership at the Community Center had expired and we were going to renew. It's $25/each for a senior membership for a year which I think is great. It's not the largest gym but they basically have all you need with treadmills, bikes, steppers, walking track, weights, etc. For some reason I wasn't too confident about my run. I was a little tired and could come up with several other excuses. I started off way too fast and thought ... great I've burned myself out and I'm not going make 5 minutes, let alone the 12 I was shooting for. I slowed it down some and before I knew it, I was at 7 and got to 10 and pushed myself to 12 minutes. I wasn't sure but I think my time was quicker, it should have been.

Gary spent all day at the dental school so we stopped at Egg Roll on the way home. I knew in the past this wasn't something that was going to mess up my program. I only ate half a portion and for some reason it tasted really good. Don't know if it was because we hadn't eaten there in awhile or the fact that I was pretty hungry or maybe from the run. Who knows ... I could have overeaten but I didn't.

Things weren't quite as hard as the days before but I wasn't focusing on it being hard, I was focusing on my success

EFFORT

I have taken three different routes to work this week and none of them has worked. There is so much road construction in Indy, I think all the roads are being repaired or in some cases torn up. I have to keep myself from being frustrated because it tends to spill over from one thing in life to another.

Yesterday was another successful day but it wasn't easy. We had a salad bar lunch at work put on by the Wellness Committee, of which I am a member. In fact, the topic for this month has been designated "Weight Management" and it was my responsibility to put the word out on this topic. Since I was on vacation and not at the meeting last week, the committee took over and planned out the lunch and who was bringing what ... I said I would bring a lite pasta salad but then heard someone else was bringing that. I ended up getting some three bean salad from the store. There's a brand that has canned salad that is pretty good. When I went to the store, I saw it was on sale $5 for 5 cans, so I bought 10 thinking I'd need a lot to fill up the bowl for work. Well four cans filled the bowl just fine. However, only a couple of spoonfuls were eaten and I still have six cans at home. Guess some food pantry is going to be getting some bean salad.

Before lunch I decided to go out for a walk. I remembered the day before really enjoying the weather and thought it'd be about the same yesterday ... wrong, it was stifling but I walked anyway ... jacket and all. I must remember to bring some walking shoes to work because my feet weren't very comfortable walking in heels.

Gary had said he had a surprise for dinner and I was anxiously awaiting it. He is quite the cook now and enjoys trying new recipes. Since I just had a salad for lunch, I had saved some points/calories for dinner. It was a tomato chicken marsala and .... well, it was okay but not my favorite. Well, maybe I didn't like it at all because I only ate half the serving I put on my plate. A couple weeks ago, I would have rummaged thru the cabinets looking for something else to eat and get into the freezer for ice cream without even thinking, but I'm making a concentrated effort for the next month and that means a daily effort not just random here and there. Looking back yesterday just seemed to be a struggle all the way around but I got through it and today is GOING to be a much better day.

COMMITMENT

My first full day of commitment for the next month is in the books. It was a good day but I found that I really had to put some effort into it. Something I hadn't done in a long time was to research what I was eating before I ate it. That happened just before I went out to lunch. I knew that I was headed to Subway. A few months ago they introduced their pulled pork sandwich. I'm a lover of BBQ and found theirs pretty good. I thought I'd better look up the calories vs. the turkey sandwich that I had gotten in the past. Pork 570 calories ... turkey 280. More than twice the calories and I'm sure even a lot more fat grams. There are four Subways in walking distance of where I work. I choose the one that was farthest away (about 5 blocks) to get in a little exercise. When I got there and placed my order, I tried something a little different, I got tomatoes on my TURKEY sandwich. I'm not a lover of whole tomatoes. I love spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, ketchup, tomato soup and all but a tomato that wasn't chopped up in itty bitty pieces wasn't for me. But I've learned that tastes do change and adding tomatoes to the sandwich would give it more volume so I tried it and it wasn't bad. I really enjoyed my lunch as they had outdoor seating and it was a beautiful day, just me and my kindle.

After work Gary and I headed to the gym. I had to get serious about my 5k training. I only have less than six weeks until the race at Disney. I did okay ... running straight for 10 minutes. Last Saturday I went for 7 minutes and my goal last night was to top it at 8 but I pushed myself and ended up with ten minutes. I also increased my distance to 1 1/2 miles at a quicker pace of running and walking. On Friday or Saturday, I will try to increase my distance and time running again. I'm feeling more confident now that I will be ready for the 5k on October 1

Penny for your thoughts

... or maybe like a bad penny that won't go away, here I am again. I've been living in a confused state since April. I have completely lost my focus on some things that are really important to me. But I guess that's natural for me to deny myself happiness thinking that other people and other circumstances should come first and if there's anything left over that would be enough. Well, the one thing that has zapped all of my energy since April has now been resolved. Time to move on and get back to business.

I always thought I was a multi-tasker. I also never considered myself an emotional eater. I've learned once again it's not an all or nothing world. I can walk and chew gum at the same time but I've found that when things get rough, eating right is the first thing I ditch when I have trouble coping, moving forward, or being stuck on not letting go of a situation. It's just not that important because I feel it only affects me so it's not that important.

Why do I always believe that my place is low man on the totem pole. That my needs never should outweigh those of someone that I feel is more important or more powerful than I. I have always been a people pleaser. I truly believe that's not a bad thing if kept within boundaries. I always thought an emotional eater was one that would eat a whole bag of chips or a whole quart of ice cream or pig out at a buffet ... that wasn't me. I had more control than that ... control over my emotions, yeah that's what I thought.

But since April, I have gained back half of the weight I worked hard to lose. I saw it creep back on pound by pound ... doing a lot a yoyoing along the way. However, when I got on the scale last night, I realized that something had to change. What was different at the start of my journey from what is going on right now. So much ... too much. It's time to start over.

I got on my home scales this morning for the first time in months. I continued to go to TOPS and be weighed weekly, but there's something to be said about those home scales. I don't know exactly what it is ... maybe something just between them and me. Something on a personal level, a realty level ... something I was definitely avoiding. Okay that's done. The next thing was blogging or journaling. For whatever reason that seemed to work and kept my daily accountability. To have something in black and white motivated me to try harder or feel good about my accomplishments, so day one done. The next two things are tougher. Food choices and exercise. But for the next month I'm really going to concentrate and give that my undivided attention. Hopefully by then some good habits will emerge and I'll be on my way again.