Moment of Truth

I weighed in with my TOPS group last night. I hadn't been on the "official" scale since November 15. I felt that I held things together quite well the first couple of weeks after the "15th" and this was during a traveling period, so I felt very successful. But then the holiday season was in full swing and once we had our big high school reunion committee Christmas bash at our house it was downhill from there. Too many goodies around the house, at work, in stores, at restaurants, etc. I knew what I was doing but I did it anyway with the pretense that I had time to lose a little before I got back to TOPS. I found out how important facing the scale on a regular basis can be. It was a 4 1/2# gain but I'm glad to have that behind me and back to walking the straight and narrow. BUT, there is no weigh in next Monday because of the holiday so another two week gap. That will NOT matter this time. I will be weighing a couple of times a week on my home scale. I will not avoid it like I did. It will help me stay focused. The New Year is fast approaching and it will be a good one. One where goals will be reached and pleasant surprises abounding.

I need to form habits again. Bringing my lunch to work a majority of the time but when giving myself a break from that to have a pre-planned plan. Learn to tell myself no and then give myself a reason for why I made that decision. To try new things, even if I find myself falling flat on my face ... just knowing that I tried is something to be proud of. Reveal in what works and being willing to change what doesn't.

I will enjoy what I'm eating but will wait until it's time to eat on a scheduled basis with no surprises. It's time to starting journaling, measuring and blogging on a regular basis. Okay I hope to be off and running again starting about two hours ago.

Nuts!

I appreciate the kudos yesterday from Gertie, Ann and Nan but I slipped up in the evening with nuts and not using a proper measuring device. Let me tell you, your hand is not what you should be measuring with. The annoying little voice in my head kept saying "it's protein, it's protein" but I know too much of a good thing isn't good. I also kept hearing Stephanie words "Get rid of the nuts". They're from the party we had on Saturday and I spent too much to toss them, so I need to work on my discipline.

When overeating like this happens it makes me think about all the posts I read about food addiction and binging and I really don't think that's my problem. Addiction would mean if I didn't have it ... I would go out and get it no matter what. I would wake up in the middle of the night and tear into the cabinets. No, I don't think I'm addicted to food. I think I just have an addictive behavior that I need to work on. Much like a two year old throwing a fit when they don't get what they want. I've also never sat down and emptied an entire container of anything unless it was a snacksize package but no large tubs of ice cream, or family size bag of chips. There were still nuts left last night so I don't think I was binging, my behavior was just whacked up.

I will start working on my behavior and not food in particular and see what happens from there. I know I'm making this much harder than it needs to be, but it just what you deal with at the starting over process.

Quit Saying You Will .... AND do it!

You've heard the expression about ... or get off the pot. I have been so wishy washy with my plan the last six weeks or so. I can point out that it's the holiday season, things can get busy and stressful but the truth of the matter is that I've been using LIFE and all that goes on in it at certain periods as an excuse to procrastinate and lose sense of priorities. I didn't get to the point of losing over 25 pounds with that type of thinking. I lost that weight by planning and doing . . . not wishing and hoping.

I want my groove back and while it's hard, I know it will only take a week or two of positive enforcement on my part to gain that once iron clad confidence I had back in September when I had my best weight loss month in the year. If I can get my act together now, the new year will take care of itself as I always go into a new year with fervor.

It has been so easy to say I'll start tomorrow. I've had years of that type of thinking and if I continue on my present course, I can have as many putting off until tomorrows as I want in the days ahead. But that's not what I want. I've always been the person who wanted instant results ... so, if I want instant results why don't I want to start NOW and keep doing what I need to be doing, then I'll see those results a lot quicker.

I can't let this destructive behavior become a way of life. I don't deserve the extra pounds any more than I deserve the overabundance of food I've consumed or the lack luster attitude that has developed from my choices lately but that's what I'll get.

It's only because of some habits I had formed over the past year that has saved me from going totally over the edge but you know what they say about giving an inch ... It has to stop and for me today was going to be the day.

I had a planned breakfast and I knew I had my "Smart Ones" lunch in the freezer at work. This is how I got started with my plan over a year ago and then again after falling off the wagon last spring, this plan helped me get back in rhythm in May when I found blogging. Not too many calories during the first part of the day, having a normal dinner and maybe a light treat in the evening, I was on plan and felt it was just a normal way of life, making good choices. I never felt deprived and it never stopped me for hanging out with anyone.

Oh, but then the lunchhour rolled around and I knew I wanted to go to the mall to pick up a few things. What's wrong with eating out? Mmmmm, chili sounds good since it's so cold out. Voices in my head going at it ... who was going to win. I had to take a stand. I had to start over and that meant frozen dinner. No, it's not as appetizing, but it's okay and dinner is the meal I look forward to on this plan. The other meals are just to sustain me and that hasn't bothered me in the past and looking deep in my heart and soul, it doesn't bother me now because of what I'll see and feel and hear and experience when the pounds start coming on again.

Once day at a time, one step at a time, one pound at a time. So far today I have found success. Got a feeling we'll be having chili for dinner tomorrow.

TGIF

Yesterday was a good day. I felt more in control and the day was full of fun and enjoyment. We had our department lunch at a restaurant in downtown Indy. People were ordering pizza and pasta but I had soup and salad mainly because of my debacle with food the day before and I was fine with my choice. I love this particular restaurant's portebello mushroom soup. I ate slowly (which is another good habit I had gotten out of the habit doing) so I wouldn't be just sitting there when I was finished watching everyone else eat. We exchanged gifts and it was fun to watch the excitement on everyone's face as they opened their gifts, just like they were kids again. I received a very nice Christmas platter. Perfect timing with our party coming up on Saturday.

Last night was Jacob's Christmas program and I'm so glad that we are able to share in our kids and grandkids activities. They all have special meaning to me. The church was crowded but fortunately Stephanie got their early and we had seats.

Since Gary wanted to watch the Colts game and forgot to set the DVR, we headed home instead of our plan to stop for dinner after the program. We put together some tuna salad and mac n cheese and settled in for the game. I know that's not the best menu but I watched my portions and I felt okay partaking in this meal. However, as the evening wore on and I had already had my sugar free fudgie, I wanted more. More ice cream, cookies and popcorn were calling my name but I held my ground and got through the rest of the evening.

I still haven't been on the scale but this morning the slacks I wore were loose, so I hope that's a good sign. Maybe I can conjure up the courage to weigh in the morning.

Got to Get it Together

I feel like I've awaken a sleeping giant. Why am I wanting to eat everything in sight. Am I squashing emotions? I didn't post yesterday and that probably was a mistake. Maybe I should have posted something about my desire to find something to eat that is satisfying and it doesn't have to be hot dogs, french fries, candy or popcorn. Those were things that I reached for yesterday that I should have found a good substitute.

I do feel a little overwhelmed but it's not to the point that I'm frantic. In fact things are starting to come together with my plan to do first things first. My department luncheon is today and last night I got everything done that I was responsible for. Next in line is the party at our house on Saturday and I delegated things to Gary to help me with that. That isn't me. I usually want to handle it all but I've opened my eyes a little on that.

I'll work on Christmas cards and shopping after our party and then should be in good shape ... oh, I forgot about our company Christmas party which I coordinate, but that will be fine too. I just want to enjoy the season and have some fun along with it. Overeating junk is not to be considered fun and I'll keep reminding myself of that.

Tonight is my grandson's school Christmas program. If anything lifts my spirits, it's my grandkids smiling faces. I spent wonderful time with my three in Maryland last week and get to see the other two several times this week because of the Christmas programs. Who needs gifts when I have these living treasures.

Back to the Routine

It's back to work today and getting involved in something is good. Less time to ponder and think and make up these wild stories in your head. I have vowed to be more confident and also go with the attitude to do what I can do and move on. I know I can't have everything I want but I can also dream.

I didn't get on the scales this morning. That'll come tomorrow after I drink a ton of water today. I don't drink that much when we're traveling and I need to be primed to get the water flowing out of me.

I plan to do a little shopping on my lunch hour and also get a list together of some small things I would like. I had the disappointment of not hearing from my "Christmas Swap" person, so I guess she changed her mind. I had a small list started for her that I'll just expand on for family. Maybe it was divine intervention because of feeling I'm too committed right now and also feel that I'm behind in what needs to be done.

I have never worked with to do lists before but I need some structure in my life to lessen the overwhelmed feelings. It'll get done ... it always does and this time that includes taking off the weight. All the tasks in my life are one step at a time.

Blue Monday

We're back on the road on the PA turnpike seeing the countryside covered in snow. The road is clear thankfully. We'll be sleeping in our own bed tonight and it'll be back to work tomorrow.

Yesterday evening seemed to be very frustrating for me with a work related issue and lousy performance by my beloved Colts. It's funny how such things we have no control over and really don't affect us personally have such a stronghold on our moods. Like taking an aspirin for a headache to dull the pain, chocolate sounded like it would do the trick. Good thing someone got to the dish before me and it was empty. We ate at an Italian restaurant last night and the portions were huge. So much that the amount I took home was overflowing in the takeout container I asked for In my frame of mind, I'm surprised I didn't eat the whole thing The scale this morning remained at 175 , so I know I at least maintained this trip..

My mood has switched from work and football to missing the kids and grandkids, wishing I still had kids at home to decorate with and play in the snow. Gary asked what was wrong and I said .. just life and he said I'm sorry I didn't know your life was so bad. It's not ... I'm so blessed with so much. So much to really feel guilty when I feel this way. I definitely need to put things in perspective.