Time to Move On

As I suspected last night was no party. I weighed in with a 3 1/2# gain. To make matters worse, by my standards, I was the only member that gained. I felt, not only did I let myself down, but everyone else too for the chance of the distinction of a "no gain" meeting. However no one said anything, except for the words of encouragement and listening to how my resolve dissolved over the past couple of days. Besides my TOPS members, I'm thankful to have cheerleaders like Kim, Karyn and the "Unknowndieter", telling me "push 'em back ... push 'em back, harder, harder ... meaning the snacking temptations. I also feel I have a coach in Stephanie telling me to get back out there and do my best because it's not over until it's over and it's far from over.

I found that's losing weight isn't just not eating less and exercising more, it's knowing exactly what you're doing. Planning and pre-planning and never let yourself sit in one spot for too long. I guess it's back to the basics and more awareness. There's no doubt I can do this, I've just got to build up my confidence a bit.

I knew exactly how many points I had left when we went to dinner last night and this time I didn't guess how many points something had, I checked out the listing for Bob Evans, got something I like within range and came in on target for the day. This morning I did get on the scales but I'm not going to make it a daily routine. I thought with the big gain and being right on yesterday I would see at least a small drop ... not yet, but I'll keep trying.

We're having dinner with a classmate we haven't seen since we graduated in 1967. A little nervous about that and because it's a mom and pop restaurant with a limited menu and not as easy as going to a site and seeing what points the entrees have. However, I have a plan and I am sticking to it. I'm not letting last night's gain do to me what my last gain did when I ironically had the same number of weigh-ins without a gain (9). I'm grazed but not down for the count. I have it in me to do this and when I feel I don't, I'll be grabbing someone or something to hold onto.

Crashed and Burned

The weekend started up so well, with only a couple of constructive criticizing remarks by my boss before I actually started it (maybe I should have not said anything in an earlier post about this kind of character building). I held firm on my choices at the festival we attended on Friday and I was pretty much right on up until dinner on Saturday. We had Jacob and Gracie on Saturday night and it seems their favorite place for dinner when staying with us is Cracker Barrel. I felt good about ordering a grilled chicken salad but then sucuumbed to the biscuits. At this point, I don't know if I had 1 1/2 or 2. Neither of the kids finished their meal and I did something I've never done before, I ate off both of their plates ... only a couple of bites, but with dumplings and mac n cheese, it wasn't the thing to do. We took the kids to play miniature golf and we had a fun evening and I guess it was a little bit of exercise bending over and picking up my golf ball for 18 holes.

But this morning, I kept remembering those biscuits and feeling like I was completely out of control. It was haunting me. My indiscretions were there in the back of my mind wondering what triggered this. I had a great weekend. I'm so blessed to be able to live the life I'm living. To be able to travel and have fun-filled weekends that don't need to be centered around food. After Stephanie and Jim picked up the kids, Gary left for a meeting and I had all these plans to clean house and get caught up on all the masses of paper we always seem to be drowining in. But I couldn't be motivated in doing anything. I held off the gremlins suggesting that a snack would get me moving but I was still justs sitting doing nothing but watching "American Pickers" that was on TV. Why was it so hard just to turn off the "idiot box" and clean the bathroom. I was given some alone time that I could get so much done and what was I doing ... wasting it. I felt like one of those characters from an old TV show, sitting on the couch, watching TV, downing bons bons. Well, it wasn't bon bons, as I became weaker from earlier in the day and got into some cashews and a fudgcicle. I really was trying but not hard enough.

When Gary came home, we went to dinner and again had no power over the bread and olive oil. I did bring home half of my dinner, but it was because I had spoiled my appetite with too much bread.

I know tomorrow will be a diaster for my weigh-in but I got to just get over it, accept that it'll put me a little behind and move on. They say it's good to bear your soul and admit it when you've done something wrong. I've got to convince myself that one bad day doesn't mean I'm done. It's not a stopping point to get off but just a connecting place to refuel and continue. Right now that seems to be easier said than done but I'll sleep on it tonight and ready to get back into the groove tomorrow.

Rooted in Me?

Can personality traits that have been ingrained for years be changed or it is just a part of who you are and you're stuck with it? I've always been shy and reserved but on occasion I can come out of my shell so maybe the "people pleaser" in me can change or at least be modified. I mean it's good to a point in being kind and helpful but is there a "dark side" to this trait?

Last week the TOPS loop I'm on started a team contest with various tasks to accomplish each week. One was to keep a food diary. No problem with that, I know how helpful journaling can be and it keeps me accountable. The dilemma was you got extra points for posting on the loop for everyone else to see. I immediately felt judgment set in with people thinking how does she think she can lose weight by eating that? I almost gave up those extra points for my team but half-heartedly managed to convince myself what does it matter what they think? It's working for me. I can have that glass of wine or that serving of augratin potatoes if I work it into my plan. Why do we worry so much about how others think? Is it holding us back from what we really want to become? I know alot of people won't go to the gym because they feel people are talking behind their back about their size. I almost succumbed to that way of thinking a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to decide whether to participate in a day on the lake and being faced with probably being the largest one in a swimsuit. They were supposedly my friends and they certainly weren't going to mock me, were they? Rereading this ... maybe it's not the people pleasing part but the judgment part or do they go hand in hand.

I'm diligently trying to learn to be my own person and do what I need to do that will get be to where I want to be. Does it matter what another person thinks ... maybe. I guess there's always room for constructive criticism. It just how I react to it that can make the difference in a good day or a bummer-type of a day. It's going to take a while but I'll get this all sorted out. Success feeds on success and what a great feeling that is!

I've got a friend

I've been avoiding the scale for the last couple of weeks except for my weigh-ins on Monday at TOPS and it seems to be working keeping my mood on an even keel about my progress. But, yesterday morning I found success somewhere other than a scale. It was in a pair of blue slacks that I haven't been able to wear I know in well over a year, maybe longer. I had been wondering how long or how many pounds it would take to see a change in my clothes. Years ago a rule of thumb was lose ten pounds go down a dress size. That has never worked for me. Maybe because my body is so disproportioned. Different designs fit differently and the cost of the clothes sometimes makes a difference too. I have been avoiding trying on anything that I don't normally wear because I just didn't want to be reminded that I wasn't quite where I wished to be. This morning, however, I wanted to wear a certain jacket and the only thing in my closet that would go with it was the blue slacks. Do I dare try? The last time I checked I could hardly get them over my thighs. As I held my breath, which would be practice for what was to come later, I found that I even had a little wiggle room in the upper leg portion of the pants. I think Zumba and the time I’ve been spending on the bike was paying off. While the legs weren’t skin tight, the waist was … so I took a big deep breath and yep got it buttoned. They were tight but I was determined to claim victory and wear my navy blue outfit.

I really want to keep with my schedule of the gym on Thursday nights. The last couple of weeks Gary has gone with me. He has been under the weather all week and I knew I shouldn’t bother asking him about going. I really need someone, not really to exercise with, but just go … it would give me that push and motivation I need but since I don’t, I’ve got to dig down deep and convince myself it’s the thing to do and not call the game due to whimpyness. I did go to the gym. Maybe the motivation tonight was what I wore to work this morning . The time on the bike was just like Zumba was on Tuesday night and that was that it was over before I knew it. I even did an additional five minutes on the bike, thanking it for my results. It’s a new friend that I promised to hang out with.

Keep Moving

Yesterday was a much better day. Things do seem to have a way of working out. I was pretty busy at work, which is a blessing in itself. It doesn't give me a lot of time sitting around and let my mind wander ... usually in the wrong direction. George is back in the office for a couple of hours each day since his horseback accident and it makes the workday more routine.

Yesterday when I went out to pick up something for our lunch (George was buying), it seemed like I had to pass more homeless people and their signs than usual. I always feel bad walking past these individuals, keeping my head down focused away from them, wondering if I'm turning my back on someone that really needs help. I even took an alternate route back to the office to avoid this unpleasant reminder but it ended up making no difference. It seems like there was someone on each street corner. I need to realize, however, you can't help everyone and some people just like living the way they are and don't want to change, even if it means living less than a life they could.

I guess it's the same way with losing weight, living healthy and being happy with whom you are along the journey. That doesn't mean you can't ask for help but there are better ways than thinking someone else is going to lift that burden and make it all better. There is work involved on your part and sometimes it tough and you think you can't live any other way than what you're living now. I guess the first step is wanting to change and willing to work to make it happen. I believe that I've taken that step and even though some days I feel a little confused and want to give it all up for that moment or that day, I know all I need to do is look a little deeper within myself, ask myself a few questions, have faith and keep moving and persevering toward that goal.

Lessons Learned

Today is a brand new day and I'm so glad we get that "do over" opportunity. I learned two things you need, that top the list when you're on this journey, and they are rest and water. Lack of those make the task a bit more difficult. I didn't sleep well Monday night and yesterday my foggy mental state seeped into my physical well being. I had already learned that dehydration even on a moderate level can make you tired. However, a lesson learned isn't always practiced. Lack of those two things accompanied by being surrounded by negative situations caused a small relapse for me. I just wanted to totally get away from it all yesterday. To break away from the norm and not to have to think about each step. While my eating wasn't the best, I didn't cast fate to the wind and eat everything in sight or search out those items in cupboards, the freezer or in drawers. I also learned that exercise could be just what is needed to lift that fog and see things a bit more clearly. Yesterday's Zumba class went so quickly and I actually felt so much better on my drive home. I tried hard yesterday to get past all those emotional setbacks and I posted on my Facebook page that I needed a pep talk and had a few responses. I also googled "Pep Talk" and ended up looking at Patton's final pep-talk to the troops. I have decided to change my analogy of sports and having a victory to becoming a soldier and winning the war. I find that in sports it's about the competition. Others are involved that want to win as badly as you. But, even if you're on the same team, some players are better than you are, the so called "Stars". Some times that makes you work harder but it could also be defeating if you're always coming in second. However, when you're engaged in war you're also working as a team, but individual effort is vital, especially to your fellow commrades. You both fighting for that ultimate goal which is freedom. I retreated during yesterday's battle but the war is still mine to win.

A little confused

I weighed in last night with a 1 1/4# loss.

I'm not in the best of moods this morning. I keep writing and then deleting. I'm just too darn negative, so that's my post for the day!