Happy Birthday Gary

Yesterday was Gary's birthday. No big celebration was planned. Just a quiet evening. The last few years I haven't know what to get him. I picked up a "Tall Ships" book at an antique store over the weekend and he seemed to think it was a perfect gift.

We had planned on going to the gym and then to Jockomo's for dinner but only half of that happened. We will be going to the gym tonight.

I can't seem to get away from the daily annoyances but that's life. It does appear that I am handling them better though. At least I didn't have strangers yelling at me. I know it was intimidation but knowing doesn't always make it easier.

I've stayed off the scale purposely but think I need to start weighing daily to avoid the uncertainties that are rumbling around in my head. New motto ... face it and move on.

Synopsis

Weigh In -- Gained 2 1/2 pounds

Emotion -- Disappointment

Attitude -- Let it Go and Move On

Quote -- Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.

Solution -- I may be trying too hard with too much focus on the wrong goal which means when things don't go the way I want them to go, I fall ... I fall very hard. I need to look for a different way to play the game. Not sure what kind of results I'll get, but I hope I can deal with it better than I have.

Out of Sorts

It's Monday and I have a cloud hanging over my head. I had hoped when I got on the scale this morning to see at the very worse no movement. Honestly, I have been aware of what I have eaten over the past two weeks and I truly thought that I could fulfill my mission to not have gained while traveling. I said "NO" many times and avoided many pitfalls that I have experienced in the past. I even tried to keep to my exercise schedule working out in hotel workout rooms. I did allow myself some things I could have probably avoided but thought this would just be the times I ate normally and would maintain ... guess I was wrong. The scale reported a two pound gain. I know that some of that can be voided out before I actually step on the TOPS scale tonight but am afraid not enough. I have already had two disappointments at work this morning where it's apparent that I screwed up due to not understanding what was conveyed ... my fault/their fault ... who knows, so Monday is not starting off to be a good day. I am also faced with a company celebration luncheon at Fogo. Today is just not looking good. It's going to take all I have in me not to give up ... or even stop until the next time. I'm not sure I have it 100% in me to persevere. I know each day I have a new chance to start over and I want to say that'll be tomorrow. However, I have let too many tomorrows slip by. I keep asking myself, what am I going to do, what am I going to be faced with? So unsure ... so down. But what choice do I have. I'll face the music and rewrite what I need to make this work.

Smooth Skating ? ? ?

Last night we went to our grandchildren's school skating party. Before we got there, I kept having flashbacks of the times we took Stephanie and Erick to their skating parties and even attending my own when I was in grade school. I wondered if it would be as much fun as it was then and if I would skate around the rink with the breeze in my hair or end up sitting on the floor. I was surprised that after awhile I had my balance with the occasional wobble. I did end up on the floor a couple of times but it was due to avoiding some little ones falling in front of me. All in all it was a fun evening and I think a little bit of exercise too. I'm a little sore but I think it's from my bruises and not overworked muscles

I haven't been on the scales for over a week and am curious where I am. However, I'm totally fearful to get on them in the fragile mood I've been in this week. I'm thinking that if I stay off of them, even though I feel like I've gained, I'll be more vigilant to turn things around thinking that there's hope, rather than getting on the scales, seeing a gain and not knowing if I can reduce the number before weighing in on Monday. Also I guess there's a chance that just because I've felt bloated, bigger and blah all week maybe I haven't gained at all and if I weigh myself and see a loss, I'll loosen the reins and that can be dangerous if I'm away this weekend. Guess I just need to hold steady.

Status

I'm still here. I'm doing okay.

My schedule is a little screwy with the traveling. Since I exercised at the hotel we were staying at on Monday, I went to the gym last night. I had no trouble on the bike, but it was all I could do to do a mile on the treadmill.

I'm hoping I can get to the gym tomorrow before I head off on a Girl's Get Away weekend, so that I can get my three session in this week. That's important to me. I wasn't counting on working tomorrow but my boss is coming back early.

Going to get some exercise tonight by going to Jacob and Gracie's school skating party. It's been years since I was on roller skates, but I remember it being fun.

Alone and Ashamed

Well, we're back home in Indiana after a great trip east. We took a side trip/detour home and got in after dinner last night. When I woke up yesterday my mood was still on the down side. I really tried to do things to cheer myself up. I prayed, I counted my blessings, as we drove I looked at the beautiful things God had created. It just wasn't working. I had done okay at breakfast. The hotel had a great spread but I made sure I wasn't over five points as I didn't know what the rest of the day held. I can't even remember as I write this what we did for lunch. Let me think a minute . . . I was thinking I wanted Subway ... oh, that's right, Gary suggested Wendy's and I knew by past experience their dollar menu Chicken Sandwich and a baked potato had been in my plan for past lunches. Although, Gary was sitting there reading the nutritional information on the back of the placemat and found that the hamburger off the dollar menu and a small chili would have less calories. So, next time I'm going with that.

Anyway ... onto the topic of the post. When I got home, I got on the computer and logged into blogger. I really didn't expect to see any comments and that's okay because before I got back to blogging a couple of weeks ago, I know I was gone for a long time and of those 28 followers many have given up blogging but then for some reason I decided to look at my stats. I thought I looked at it right ... but what I saw was that there were NO page views yesterday. I really felt alone. This staying focused and disciplined and accountable is tough. Yesterday I just felt I couldn't do it alone. I expressed my frustration and weakness on yesterday's blog and it didn't matter because no one was reading to care anyway. I really know better ... my family cares, my TOPS family cares and maybe those couple of people that stop by my blog occasionally and read it, maybe they care too. But, it shouldn't matter. I should be my own cheerleader. I'm the one that's putting the work into it. I'm making the decisions ... both good ones and some not so good.

And up until yesterday, it didn't matter. I didn't need anyone. I was doing well and I was confident that I could do it on my own without any outside assistance. I even felt that I could be the one helping others with their shortcomings and confidence boosting. What a difference a day makes, huh?

The Ashamed part came right before I posted this entry. I logged into Blogger to post and saw that I had a comment from Tess (thanks, Tess). A comment that was dated yesterday. I decided to look at the stats from yesterday again and saw that I had 14 views. Not a paparazzi following but ....

Anyway, maybe it was all in the mood I was in ... which by the way has lifted today. I'm back at home, out of the car, into the routine and ready to get back on track.

Frustration threw me off the edge ... or did I jump?

We left Erick's about 8:30 a.m. and headed toward Charleston, WV where we were spending the night. When we were on the interstate, I checked voicemail at the office. There was a message from my boss who wanted me to send an email for him. I should have checked VM's before I left. We stopped at a McDonald's where they had WIFI and I attempted to get into my email with no luck. Of course, while we were there, we had breakfast which meant a Sausage Biscuit for me. I guess this is where my frustration started to perculate. We stopped at DQ for lunch which I allowed myself. I'm always a little sad when we head home, missing the family. My next bit of frustration came in the form of aggressive driving. Gary has become more patient as he has gotten older, except when it comes to driving. Maybe it's just a guy thing, but it frustrates me to no end. It immediately put me in a bad mood. One I couldn't shake. I went from frustrated to incredibly sad.

I noticed then that anything I did or tried to do wasn't working out the way I wanted. In fact, I was pretty much going to blow off writing this blog post altogether but these are the things I need to express and come clean about.

We grabbed something quick for dinner which meant a sandwich and fries. The fries I ordered for lunch I only ate about half of but the dinner ones were gone and I didn't even realize it until they were gone.

I was bound and determined I was going to end the night on a positive note. The hotel had a workout room and I took advantage of it to gain control of my emotions or maybe blow off some steam.

I found this elephant in the bathroom in our room. It should have made me smile, reminding me of Disney World or a cruise where you often find these creations.

Today has to be a better day.