EFFORT

I have taken three different routes to work this week and none of them has worked. There is so much road construction in Indy, I think all the roads are being repaired or in some cases torn up. I have to keep myself from being frustrated because it tends to spill over from one thing in life to another.

Yesterday was another successful day but it wasn't easy. We had a salad bar lunch at work put on by the Wellness Committee, of which I am a member. In fact, the topic for this month has been designated "Weight Management" and it was my responsibility to put the word out on this topic. Since I was on vacation and not at the meeting last week, the committee took over and planned out the lunch and who was bringing what ... I said I would bring a lite pasta salad but then heard someone else was bringing that. I ended up getting some three bean salad from the store. There's a brand that has canned salad that is pretty good. When I went to the store, I saw it was on sale $5 for 5 cans, so I bought 10 thinking I'd need a lot to fill up the bowl for work. Well four cans filled the bowl just fine. However, only a couple of spoonfuls were eaten and I still have six cans at home. Guess some food pantry is going to be getting some bean salad.

Before lunch I decided to go out for a walk. I remembered the day before really enjoying the weather and thought it'd be about the same yesterday ... wrong, it was stifling but I walked anyway ... jacket and all. I must remember to bring some walking shoes to work because my feet weren't very comfortable walking in heels.

Gary had said he had a surprise for dinner and I was anxiously awaiting it. He is quite the cook now and enjoys trying new recipes. Since I just had a salad for lunch, I had saved some points/calories for dinner. It was a tomato chicken marsala and .... well, it was okay but not my favorite. Well, maybe I didn't like it at all because I only ate half the serving I put on my plate. A couple weeks ago, I would have rummaged thru the cabinets looking for something else to eat and get into the freezer for ice cream without even thinking, but I'm making a concentrated effort for the next month and that means a daily effort not just random here and there. Looking back yesterday just seemed to be a struggle all the way around but I got through it and today is GOING to be a much better day.

COMMITMENT

My first full day of commitment for the next month is in the books. It was a good day but I found that I really had to put some effort into it. Something I hadn't done in a long time was to research what I was eating before I ate it. That happened just before I went out to lunch. I knew that I was headed to Subway. A few months ago they introduced their pulled pork sandwich. I'm a lover of BBQ and found theirs pretty good. I thought I'd better look up the calories vs. the turkey sandwich that I had gotten in the past. Pork 570 calories ... turkey 280. More than twice the calories and I'm sure even a lot more fat grams. There are four Subways in walking distance of where I work. I choose the one that was farthest away (about 5 blocks) to get in a little exercise. When I got there and placed my order, I tried something a little different, I got tomatoes on my TURKEY sandwich. I'm not a lover of whole tomatoes. I love spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, ketchup, tomato soup and all but a tomato that wasn't chopped up in itty bitty pieces wasn't for me. But I've learned that tastes do change and adding tomatoes to the sandwich would give it more volume so I tried it and it wasn't bad. I really enjoyed my lunch as they had outdoor seating and it was a beautiful day, just me and my kindle.

After work Gary and I headed to the gym. I had to get serious about my 5k training. I only have less than six weeks until the race at Disney. I did okay ... running straight for 10 minutes. Last Saturday I went for 7 minutes and my goal last night was to top it at 8 but I pushed myself and ended up with ten minutes. I also increased my distance to 1 1/2 miles at a quicker pace of running and walking. On Friday or Saturday, I will try to increase my distance and time running again. I'm feeling more confident now that I will be ready for the 5k on October 1

Penny for your thoughts

... or maybe like a bad penny that won't go away, here I am again. I've been living in a confused state since April. I have completely lost my focus on some things that are really important to me. But I guess that's natural for me to deny myself happiness thinking that other people and other circumstances should come first and if there's anything left over that would be enough. Well, the one thing that has zapped all of my energy since April has now been resolved. Time to move on and get back to business.

I always thought I was a multi-tasker. I also never considered myself an emotional eater. I've learned once again it's not an all or nothing world. I can walk and chew gum at the same time but I've found that when things get rough, eating right is the first thing I ditch when I have trouble coping, moving forward, or being stuck on not letting go of a situation. It's just not that important because I feel it only affects me so it's not that important.

Why do I always believe that my place is low man on the totem pole. That my needs never should outweigh those of someone that I feel is more important or more powerful than I. I have always been a people pleaser. I truly believe that's not a bad thing if kept within boundaries. I always thought an emotional eater was one that would eat a whole bag of chips or a whole quart of ice cream or pig out at a buffet ... that wasn't me. I had more control than that ... control over my emotions, yeah that's what I thought.

But since April, I have gained back half of the weight I worked hard to lose. I saw it creep back on pound by pound ... doing a lot a yoyoing along the way. However, when I got on the scale last night, I realized that something had to change. What was different at the start of my journey from what is going on right now. So much ... too much. It's time to start over.

I got on my home scales this morning for the first time in months. I continued to go to TOPS and be weighed weekly, but there's something to be said about those home scales. I don't know exactly what it is ... maybe something just between them and me. Something on a personal level, a realty level ... something I was definitely avoiding. Okay that's done. The next thing was blogging or journaling. For whatever reason that seemed to work and kept my daily accountability. To have something in black and white motivated me to try harder or feel good about my accomplishments, so day one done. The next two things are tougher. Food choices and exercise. But for the next month I'm really going to concentrate and give that my undivided attention. Hopefully by then some good habits will emerge and I'll be on my way again.

Paying the Price

After my weigh-in last week, I tried to be careful and make wise choices. Gary made homemade spaghetti and meatballs one night last week and I limited my portions. It was really, really good and I wanted to go back for seconds but I resisted, thinking I'd have my seconds for lunch the next day.

I made it up to running 8 minutes on the treadmill but then the mind started its dialogue and I wasn't able to get the second eight minutes in, so I spent 10 minutes on the bicycle trying to build up some endurance.

I was in check all week and when we had dinner after the gym on Thursday, we started talking about nothing on our calendar for the weekend and maybe this was a good time to make one of our county trips. Three years ago when Gary retired we decided to go on the adventure of visiting all 92 counties in Indiana and learning a little about its history. We knew it would take a decade or more to do this ... but it was to be an adventure. We ended up going to Porter County and stayed in a B&B and had a great time exploring. Some of the things we discovered was really good food. Again, I tried to be vigilant but fell short at times like when a gourmet breakfast was set in front of me or going to a great Italian restaurant the innkeeper recommended.

It could have been worse as it could have been better if I would have resisted but when I stepped on the scale last night I was relieved to see the weight to be the same as last week. I would have been happier to see a loss but I feel I really didn't deserve anything but what I saw.

NEXT . . .

I weighed in on Monday and my prediction wasn't that far off. I had gained
4 3/4# since my absence for vacation. I don't know why I felt the need but I started looking back over some numbers and stats going back to my heaviest weight of 206 in November of 2009. Maybe I wanted to remind myself that I haven't been the victim of gaining it ALL back, although I did hate not being able to say that I lost 30# or even 25# like I once boasted proudly. Both of those sound like a truly great accomplishment but so does 23 1/4# .... that's what I'm down and I'm not ready to give it back. It's not that far off from 25 or 30 and I will attain that again and more.

The numbers can serve as whatever you want to make of them ... good results, slow progress, troubled months, I'm pushing all the negatives aside and starting the next chapter or next phase. I believe that this is only going to be a 2-act play and now that I'm back from intermission the real story will unfold along with a happily ever after ending.

In the last couple of days, I feel I'm already forming good habits of taking my lunch, drinking my water and eating good and healthy snacks. I also plan to hit the gym on a regular basis and last night I pushed through my mental block of not being able to complete three five-minute intervals of running. I knew all along it was something I could do and something I needed to prove to myself. Tomorrow is 2 eight-minute intervals. Sounds tough but doable. I'll also take a peak at the scales tomorrow morning and hope to be back in the '70's which will give me a boost and perhaps bring me back to that quarter century loss.

Call FEMA, There's Been a Diaster

I knew it had been awhile but didn't think it had been over a month since I last blogged. I thought a few times about starting it back up but just had no motivation to write. It was just like the lack of motivation I had to get serious about this weight loss journey I was on. I am only half way to my destination, but it seemed like I settled into a dark dreary ghost town and I didn't know or my attitude didn't care which way to move on out. It was like I was content to be where I was ... that was ... that was, until this morning when I got on the scale.

Since my last day of blogging, I have been on two trips. I got through the first one in pretty good shape and even exercised. The second trip which was just over two weeks ago came with a different ending, although the night of our first stop I did pay a visit to the hotel gym. However, I gave myself some whimpy excuse saying I can't do this, meaning I won't do this and set some sort of record for the shortest time on a treadmill. I didn't see a treadmill or any other type of exercise equipment until I returned home.

I had this false impression that with all the walking we were doing I was burning calories like a stoked fire .... trouble is that I was drowning out the flames with all the wrong choices or too much of a good thing I was eating. I had fallen back into that false prophecy that hey, I'm on vacation ... well, you know the rest and what the results of that kind of thinking will get you.

We returned from vacation a week ago yesterday but because it was my wedding anniversary last Monday, I didn't go to my weigh-in ... we went out to dinner instead and the feasting and celebrating and literally TOO MUCH breaking of bread continued.

Did I get on the scale when we got home .... no!! I guess I was afraid or maybe I thought I had another week and all that bloat and heaviness I seemed to be feeling would go away. I think it was last Wednesday when I decided to face the music and saw ... well, since I jumped back off quickly, I don't quite remember but I know it was well over a 5# gain. How can anyone gain that much in ten days. To make it worse, my husband informed me that he had lost 2 pounds and I knew I didn't eat as much as he did. It wasn't fair and I tried to push it off that it wasn't entirely my fault .... YEAH, RIGHT! If you believe that, there's a course on denial, available somewhere.

I settled into my routine and had a good eating day but the next morning got up and saw the scale only go down a pound. I guess the results weren't "good enough" and just like when you think you aren't good enough the mind starts this crummy dialogue and the results aren't pretty and the number on the scale this morning wasn't either.

Enough is enough. The damage is done. The lesson is learned .... obviously, the hard way .... AGAIN. Maybe, I need a different approach. There are different ways to teach a subject. A method to make you understand more clearly and actually "get it" this time. All I know staying at home and pretending your sick and not studying isn't going to advance your knowledge any. I've got to listen, I've got to take notes, I've got to study and most of all I've got to care.

I do care. I can clean up after this disaster. Maybe with the help of some friends, after facing the scale tonight, I can push through all the debris and start a new and better way to get back on the right road with a bright future.

I tried to come up with an acronym for FEMA that is in the title of this post but all I could come up with were words for the first two letters ... FRIENDS EVERYWHERE ... can you come up with the last two?

Mid Week

This week ... how would I describe it so far. Good news with a little "stinkin thinkin". I'm not a big fan of Mondays. It's genuinely hard getting back into the work routine. I've got to push myself a little harder on Mondays. I had a voice mail when I to the office. It was a reminder. I wrote it down but quickly forgot about it until very late in the afternoon. By then, it was too late to do anything about it. I screwed up and disappointed someone. It broke my spirit and it takes me about twice as long to recover from a broken spirit. Things were resolved by Tuesday and it was "no harm ... no foul", but I still screwed up and let someone down for a moment. I kept thinking what else have I done wrong or not done. My confidence was crushed. I'm coming out of it now but why do I do this? It doesn't help any to dwell and rehash but it has become a tendency of mine. One good thing that did happen Monday evening was that I lost 3 pounds. I worked hard last week and I saw the results. Could I have tried harder ... you betcha!