CHANGES

I haven't blogged for awhile and that usually means trouble ... but not so in this case.  I am content, motivated and doing well.  In fact we just got back from vacation last Friday and I'm pretty sure that I will have a loss tonight.  That's right ... going on vacation with free food that included buffets and I'm losing weight.

How did the turn around occur?  I finally found a niche.  As I mentioned before, I belong to TOPS and over ten years ago a group of people from TOPS groups around the country got together online.  The founder of the group would even have a picnic every summer and we always had a fun weekend with fun activities about weight loss, including exercising and nutritional information.  As the years passed, I got involved in other things, including chairing my high school reunion committee and interest in what we called "The Picnic Loop" seem to fade.  I would run back when I was having trouble staying motivated and ask for help but it just wasn't the exciting new craze like it was at the beginning.

Then came MySpace, FaceBook, Twitter and all the new communicating sites people were using, including SparkPeople, and MFP.  Although I had a few friends that I communicated with through these mediums, I still felt ... out of the loop, so to speak.  People were doing well and I wasn't and felt like a fifth wheel or is it third wheel?

The Picnic Loop also had less and less activity.  There was only six posts for the whole month of December.  Anyway,  a former member has recently tried to rekindle this group and between her and I ... we've got some good chatter going on with some other former members.  It felt like going home again.  I have become really involved posting a lot and have even started a challenge for the month of March called "March Gladness" (play on words) with quite a few people participating.  I finally feel that I'm a player and part of something. You know ... that I belong.  With that, my attitude has changed and I feel like I've come to life again.

I'm not giving up on these other ways to remain accountable, I'm just putting a little more focus on what motivates me the most.  I sure hope it lasts.

BUSY IS GOOD

I'm late posting and for once it doesn't mean I've lost my way again.  It just means I'm busy with others things and that's good.  I need that for I think alot of my problem arise from boredom.  Yesterday is in the books as another successful day.  Not much exercise but the eating side of things is what I'm working on.  I was actually under target yesterday which pleased me.  Even when I'm over only by 20 or 30 calories I tend to think too much.  As long as I'm not mindlessly eating I should be happy.  

So Day 2 with more to do.

MAKING MY WAY BACK

Perhaps my lousy February was a turning point.  I guess I realized if I don't turn things around, even if only just a little, that slowly but slowly those pounds I lost over the last six months will be back.  I gave it another shot yesterday and I did okay.  I pulled back the reigns a little at lunch by eliminating a side dish and there was no candy nibbling when I got home from work.

I did get a wee bit of exercise in too.  When I got to the mall yesterday at lunchtime, the line for Chick-fil-A was pretty long, so I decided to take a couple laps around the mall.  When I got home from work, I was going to do a little Zumba from a U-Tube video I downloaded but it kept stopping mid-stream, so I gave up on it ... but I did put the effort forth.

Day one down and moving on. 

I'M SO TIRED OF FIGHTING IT

Yes, I am ... I want to find that drive again ... the fun of the challenge ... the feeling I'm part of a team but when you fall behind, the stamina slips and you start feeling defeated.  It's all attitude and for me I need to swing over to the see the light and want it bad enough again ... it'll happen but patience has never been my friend.  Is it better to start every day and fail or wait until the timing is right to get some consistency or is there even a right answer?

~Sheilah

NO BIGGIE

Yesterday was just an ordinary day.  Nothing really to write home about.  Being Ash Wednesday, I had my food limited to meatless meals.  I tried to think what I would sacrifice for the next six weeks and nothing came to mind.  Correction, some things came to mind, but did I really want to or think I could refrain from those things.  Maybe chocolate, maybe candy ... but not bread like I did last year, although I ought to.

I backslid into my habit of vegging out on the couch when I got home from work.  Yes, it's still winter and winter has this side effect for me.  I need a different prescription and I hope I can hang on for a few weeks until it arrives.  I know talk is cheap but I'm sure that pill of spring will help me turn things around by at least being a little more active.

WHAT'S WRONG

I've had this shadow over me this week that I can't seem to shake.  Nothing major just this little gnawing at me that all the planets aren't aligned.  I've acknowledged it and will just continue to push it out of the way when I start using it as an excuse.  I'm sure it will eventually go away.  It's difficult because I don't know what "IT" is.  I know I was annoyed with myself Sunday night when I discovered that I didn't put one of my co-workers down for girl scout cookies from Gracie that I was delivering on Monday so they didn't get ordered; but my wonderful daughter fixed that by giving me two of her boxes, but still the annoyance hung on.  Then we're dealing with our computer issues at home and I called an IT guy I know and he came over last night and stayed until 11:00 and still the problems remains, but it too will be fixed eventually.  I guess I'm still holding onto that annoyance.  Why is it so hard to let go sometimes?

I did well yesterday ... eating only what I had planned on eating, and being able to sway myself away from some temptations.  I was asked yesterday by a dieting buddy what my biggest obstacle was and I gave it some thought after my initial impulsive answer of attitude.  What causes my attitude to get out of whack.  Right now I think it's lack of involvement.  I need to stay busy.

I KNOW ... I KNOW

For a Monday, I felt pretty good when I got up.  I showered and got dressed in a pant suit that felt really loose around the waist and in the thighs.  I was feeling good about the weekend and cutting things out that I usually have.  I really felt that it was worth it.

I headed downstairs and was ready to face the scales.  I had been keeping a log on the notepad on the refrigerator so there wouldn't be any guessing.  When I got on the scale Friday, I thought ... darn, I've gained a little but immediately thought ... I can turn that around over the weekend and at least stay the same on the scales Monday.  But, when I went to the notepad, it showed I had lost because I forgot where I was the time before.  Good move on writing it down.

I really did paying attention over the weekend and I even worked out.  A little bit of zumba from UTube in the room on Friday night and a whole 30 minutes on the bike in the workout room on Saturday PLUS all the walking we did while shopping.  I was pretty confident.

SHOT DOWN.  The scales were back up and now I didn't even know if I'd have a turtle at TOPS because there were a several numbers on my pad but I didn't know which one was from last Monday.  I knew it'd be close.

My last gain was the week before Christmas and my streak ran out a lot sooner than I hoped.  I gained 3/4# last night.  It's not huge and I'm sure if I work really hard or maybe even just a little harder I'll have a good loss next week.  I could analyze it this way and that ... last Tuesday was when I had a CODE RED day with snacking.  I was completely out of control and felt helpless.  I don't feel that way now and a small gain will not make me go back to that dark place.  I'm pulling my boot straps up and DOING what I need to do.

THE WEEKEND

I didn't take the time to post yesterday.  We packed up after breakfast at the hotel and headed home after a relaxing weekend.  Well, it was for me anyway ... I needed to get away from it all and I believe it helped.  Saturday morning I used the workout room.  The first time this year that I did any type of structured exercise.  I got on the bike and it didn't take long to wonder if I could even make it to 10 minutes.  I then got out my Kindle and the focus was on it, instead of 1 minute, 2 minutes, geez this is taking forever ... 3 minutes.  I rode for 30 minutes.

My afternoon was spent at the mall shopping with the wife of Gary's co-instructor.  I then realized how out of shape I was.  Shopping was tiring with all the walking.  That has NEVER happened before.  When we stopped for lunch, having Chinese, I oped just to have fried rice with no entree.  I was saving my calories for dinner.  We were going to a steakhouse we had discovered last year.

When Kim and I got back to the hotel, the guys were back from teaching and in the jacuzzi down at the pool.  I had brought my suit but even though the hot bubbly water would have felt good on my back, I didn't want to bare myself where you could see all my flaws ... like you can't see them in jeans and sweater.  Maybe next time, but right then I was feeling pretty self conscious.

Dinner was good but it's funny how you build things up in your mind and then it's a little disappointing when reality hits.   Like I said, it was good but not as good as I had remembered from the year before.  Maybe it would have been better with the hot bread that I refrained from or if I had had a dreamsicle like Gary had.  

I really didn't want to go straight home.  We talked about a movie, but the timing wasn't right.  I was probably better off not going to a movie because I know I'd be into the popcorn.  We stopped for lunch and got home around 2:00.  I immediately unpacked and started the washer.  Back into the thralls of normalcy.  I'd already had my excitement for the weekend.

BACK TO THE OLD ME

Yesterday morning I knew I should have gotten up earlier but on these winter mornings when it's dark out and the blanket and comforter make it so much cozier, it's hard.  It seems like everything is hard.  I did manage to roll out of bed on the second snooze alarm which gave me enough time to throw things into a bag for our trip.  Gary would be picking me up at the office when I got off at noon and if I forgot something ... oh well.

On the drive to work we had talked about where to stop for lunch because once you got out of the city, the choices were limited.  Although we basically decided on what area of town to stop, our decision was made for us.  My boss called and asked me to pick him up something from the deli.  I told him that I didn't have the car today, but Gary could grab us all something on the way in.  He said if it wasn't that much trouble, that'd be fine.  The trouble wasn't with the inconvenience of stopping, it was what I normally ordered from Shapiro's.  Burger on bun and mac 'n cheese.  They have the BEST mac 'n cheese.  That's what I REALLY wanted and I thought ... what makes this so hard.  Just get a serving of mac 'n cheese and be satisifed with that WITHOUT the burger.  You know ... my inner voice was right for once.  That's what I got and I enjoyed it without any guilt of overeating at lunch.

We were then on our way to Illinois.  We were staying at a Drury Inn where they have "ALL THE EXTRA WITHOUT THE EXTRA PRICE".  For 90 minutes in the evening they treat their guests to three alcoholic beverages plus warm food.  It used to be just snacks and veggies but I guess to compete with other hotels, you can now actually make this little reception your place for dinner.  Gary said that's what the other couple we were with planned on doing.  I tried to choose wisely staying away from the hotdogs and chips and filling up on salad before I had small servings of some other things.  I may have overdone it but I still felt good about being better than I would have a couple of days prior.  For me, it was a start.

We sat around and talked and because of Illinois being on central time, we turned in kinda early.  When I got back to the room while Gary read, I got out my Kindle to which I had downloaded a Zumba clip from YouTube.  I could only do about five minutes but it was another start.  Maybe I'd hit the workout room in the morning.

I'M GLAD I'M ME

Yesterday didn't have a ton of excitement but it was still a good day.  It's still very slow at work but I kept myself busy, even doing a lot of clock watching.  I decided I was going to the mall on my lunch hour.  One of the stores had a big sale going on and it could be fun just looking through the racks.  It also meant that I would get some walking in ... I'm not exercising on a regular basis yet, so I try to grab a little here and there just to keep me moving.  I had bought a mustard colored jacket a couple of weeks ago and as I was going up the escalator, I saw a striped shirt that would go perfect with my new jacket and it was less than ten bucks, so I guess that was my excitement for the day.

Can annoying things be exciting too?  Yesterday I described exciting as something different, something that doesn't happen every day.  Well our email got hacked and I'm glad that's not an everyday thing because it's a hassle and so frustrating when you're trying to fix something that you don't know that much about.  Why do people get such a thrill from screwing things up for somebody else.  Our son said all we need to do is changed our password.  I'm not that computer literate but finally got that done but when more messages came in from bounced emails it just stuck in my crawl and toyed with my positive way of thinking.  I'm trying to remember the adage about acting instead of reacting. 

Gary tried a new recipe for dinner.  It was a pork dish that had portebello mushrooms in it.  He called me to ask about another ingredient (green peppers) and I said to leave it out because I really don't like the aftertaste it leaves.  Maybe it would have helped because even with a sauce, it was kind of bland but still okay.  It kept me from going back for seconds though.  

We're headed out of town for the weekend and I should have packed last night but fell asleep watching "Elementary" and had to get up earlier this morning.  I wish I was a morning person but at my age, I don't think that will ever happen.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

I think I may be coming out of my funk.  I hope so ... it's dark, dreary and lonely in there, making it hard to know which way to turn and not knowing if anyone is there that is willing to help you.

What turned things around ... mmmmm, I belonged to a group of on-line TOPS members, some of whom got together each summer.  A retreat of sorts with many good memories.  The lady that hosted it for over ten years had many irons in the fire over the past few years and discontinued the get together a few years back. The on-line group while still available lacked activity.  I tried several times to ask questions, share information, to get some activity going to no avail.  We went from 661 posts in January of 2006 to 6 posts in December of 2012.  Last week someone else posted something to try to breathe some life back into what was once a really supportive and beneficial tool.  It's not the way it used to be and I don't know if it'll ever be but I'm contributing and using it because I really need all the support I can get and am grabbing at every straw.

Moving on ... everyday our new motivator has posted a question.  It's not necessarily a weight-related question but it could be by how you answer it.  Yesterday it was  ....Are you seeking contentment or excitement. That was a no brainer for me and my answer was "Definitely excitement.  I'm so bored with everything right now and it is affecting my weight loss goals.  Instead of sitting and waiting for something exciting though, I'm venturing out today to see what I can find instead of waiting for it to find me.  We'll see what happens."

I knew that's what I needed ... maybe not the true definition of excitement like going sky diving but more than get up go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed and repeat.  I was doing less and less and becoming more and more miserable.  I needed to do something that was different from what I had made out my routine to be.  I immediately started searching on the internet about self-made excitement.  What you can do to put excitement into your everyday life. I found it could be little things ... just doing something out of the ordinary.  My first thought and I don't know where it came from was to send Gary an email stating ... you pick the music, I would like us to dance when I get home from work.  I don't know why but that lifted my spirits.  There was a little anticipation of what song he would choose and rekindling romance.

I decided that I was going to get a salad from a place that is about the farthest I would ever walk for lunch.  Yes, it was cold out ... yes, I have been saying that I despise the cold but I felt good about moving my body in the brisk air ... maybe it would even burn off more calories.  You know what I found when I went outside ... my shadow, yes the sun was out and it seemed to rubbing off on my disposition.  As I walked, I saw a guy sitting on the sidewalk with a sign.  It said "homeless ... willing to work".  For some reason at that moment, I envision myself in his spot with my sign saying "hopeless .... willing to work?"  Was I willing to work to lift myself up ... yes, I am.  I haven't even thought of having a salad for lunch for a long time.  All I wanted was comfort food, hot food because the weather was cold and nothing else would do.  I have been filling my subconscious with a lot of hooey lately.  I got something different than my usual ... using this new found excitement factor.  It was an applewood salad made with spinach and it was wonderful.  I was also picking up a wrap to take back to my boss and he was buying ... what could be better.  Well, after I ordered his wrap, I discovered it wasn't HIS usual.  I had ordered the chicken caesar wrap INSTEAD of the chicken cheddar wrap, so when I finished my salad, I went back and reordered and on my way back to the office gave the homeless guy my mistake and paid my boss back for it.  So, I didn't exactly get my "free lunch" but that was okay from my eyes being opened and answering my own questions.

In my searching for excitement, I was also lead to a blog which I had read in the past and even purchased the book the author of the blog had written and there was something in his latest post that I took to heart.  This man had once weighed over 400 pounds and he had lost over 200 pounds and kept it off for 18 months.  He has been struggling for the past six months, feeling lost but has recommitted himself.  In one post a friend wrote to him about the "lost feeling".  "Today I want to share something in hopes it might reach the person who sent the message about being "lost and hopeless". You see, I once felt profoundly lost and hopeless. Those feelings were horrible, but what I didn't know at the time was that those feelings were about to be the very thing that helped me break free to a new life more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. 25 years ago I had reached the end of my rope and it was all I could do to just hang on. Then I let go of the rope with one hand and reached out for help. I couldn't believe it when the people who answered my cry for help told me to let go with the other hand too! I thought, "Cant you see I'm barely hanging on here!?!" They explained to me that what I was holding onto wasn't going to help me. In fact I was holding on to my old self, my old way of thinking. They shared with me that I felt lost because I was lost, my old map was never going to help me because I was following it when I got lost. They also said I felt hopeless because hanging onto my old beliefs was no hope and deep down I obviously knew it. I couldn't argue with them because they made too much sense AND I could tell by the way they talked that they had been right where I was and had found a way out. Well I did let go, against everything in me crying out to hang on, I let go. What I found was that I did NOT plummet to my demise as all my fears had told me I would if I let go. Instead I was for the first time in a long time free. I was free from the strongest bondage that can ever exist. Those are the bonds that hold me in place, not because they are unbreakable, but because I cling to them. So if you feel lost I encourage you to look around and realize you are lost. And if you feel hopeless know that only by reaching out for help can you find hope. Real hope, real change. After all, as it was for me, I'll bet it is the same for you: All my best thinking got me lost and hopeless. Quit hanging on. Let go and fly."

So, I guess I've let go.  I've got a new plan and if it doesn't seem to work, I'll let go and try something else. 

BUT THAT WAS YESTERDAY

. . . and yesterday's gone.  A song from my era by Chad and Jeremy.  A golden oldie.  I guess that's how I've been feeling .... OLD.  Yes, I am a Senior ... but age has nothing to do with the way I should feel.  I'm in good health and able to move around like I always have.  The body is willing but . . . how does that saying go?

I know my problems right now are all in my head and are slowing down my weight loss.  I was being sarcastic yesterday about the positive, trying to jar myself back into all the good things I could be doing.  I haven't reached rock bottom and I'm telling myself this morning that I'm not going there.  I'm not going any lower.  I'm not giving back those 20 pounds I've lost.  I'm digging myself out of this rut here and now.  I could wait it out until spring giving myself excuses to go out for a fast food lunch to lift my spirits or head to the vending machine in the middle of the afternoon because I'm bored or have an extra glass of wine because that sounds .... mmmmm, what does that sound like.

This morning on my drive to work I was thinking about restrictions and how they can be so ... well restrictive.  What I'm trying to say is I just feel held back.  The lack of sun this time of year ... the lull in my workload ... things that go wrong that I don't have any control over.  It's funny how the force of a few things can pull you in like a tornado and take you places you don't really want to go.

I'm acting like nothing matters but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  I'll find that eating relecklessly will matter when I weigh-in on Monday.  Not doing the laundry will matter when I go to pack for a weekend trip, sitting and worrying about my state of mind will matter when I forgot something important because I wasn't putting my focus in the right direction.

I've had my pity party.  It's time to find alternatives instead of thinking I'm restricted to one thing, one way, one thought.

Today is a new day ... yesterday's gone and with it all the baggage, negatives, restrictions, and imperfections. I'm capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for.  It's time to put one foot in front of the other and see how far I can go.

REVERSE IT

I lost big last night.  I'm on top of the world.  Nothing can stop me.  My positive attitude is abounding.  I've got this in the bag.  I turn my nose up at junk food.  Only the basic three meals for me.  It doesn't matter that tomorrow is a brand new day.

This is what I want to say in my next post.  I'm just not there yet.

PERFECT ALIGNMENT

Last week after my weigh-in, I was gun-ho.  I was definitely striving to make it a good week and have a loss last night.  I took my lunch instead of eating out and when I did eat out, I made good choices.  But "life happens".  I had a horrible day on Thursday.  I had forgotten to make an airline reservation for my boss, although I swore I did.  But when I went to check on it online there was nothing there and there was no evidence in my files that it was done.  I held my breath as I checked about availability ... you guessed it, it was sold out.  This was just a back-up reservation and I was pretty certain, it wouldn't be used but that didn't matter ... I screwed up ... AGAIN.  What if it was needed?  I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day and I was torn whether to get him involved and ask him if he was going or just wait it out because I would know the answer by the next day.  What did I want to do.  I wanted to bury myself in comforting food, sugary, carbo-laden, cheesy, gooey ... forget everything food.  I thought alot about addition that day.  I have other things in my life that could be addictive but I didn't think twice about running to a casino, bar, or the mall to buy shoes ... what is it with food?  When I got home, Gary was in bed sick.  I needed to talk but I knew he felt bad and didn't want to dump on him.  I guess he knew something was up and I told him of my discovery.  Like a good husband, he tried to comfort me by telling me no one is perfect.  We ordered a pizza for dinner and I proceed to eat WAY more than I should.  It reminded me of my pizza debacle while watching the grandkids.  When I got up on Friday, still obsessing over circumstances that might happen, I tried to remind myself to just face the music and move on, even though thoughts of early retirement and resignation ran across my mind.  Well, things worked out, I found out early on that my boss had no intention of traveling and I was off the hook.  If things were resolved, why did I still feel like I had just been given horrible news.  How do I stop all this woulda coulda shoulda dialogue and just learn from my shortcomings.  I was really whacked up over the weekend.  Every time I turned around I was screwing up from putting to much salt in the mac n cheese that I fixed for lunch on Saturday which made it inedible to clogging up the disposal when I put it down the drain to every other miniscule thing I tried to do perfectly and ended up falling on my face.  It was dreary outside, I'm really despising winter and I'm stuck in ... or at least felt I was because Gary had the flu.  I kept pretty busy on Friday night and some of Saturday but just couldn't shake the blue blahs.  I spent a lot of time sleeping using it as an excuse of wellness when I knew deep inside I was using it as an escape and my back ached from spending too much time in bed.

When I got up yesterday things seem to be more positive.  I knew I was going to have a loss at TOPS which helped and I was ready to delve into some work and get some things done just for the feeling of accomplishment.  The stars started to align when I got word that my daughter had passed a grueling exam to get her CAE certification.  It's amazing what great news and a feeling of so much pride in her made me feel so much better.  Things are looking up.

I guess having a couple of great days, even mixed in with an awful day, while the other days are spot on can show success.  I lost 2 3/4# last night, reaching my 20# mark from when I started getting serious last August.  This morning I kicked up my heels wearing those black shoes for the first time that I bought last month that was going to be the reward for reaching the 20# milestone.  I'm moving on ...

DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Yesterday I got up and decided I would wear a pair of grey slacks that I had in my closet.  It had been years since I wore them and I vaguely remember trying them on some time back and there was no way they fit. I had noticed them in my closet lately and for some reason I just knew that they'd fit yesterday and didn't even think of an alternative to wear.  Well, I WAS able to get them up over my hips and double buttoned but were they comfortable?  Not in the least and I shouldn't have worn them because I was conscious of them all day long.  Did they look okay?  I guess they did with the sweater I wore over them but I didn't feel good in the outfit.  I felt FAT and blah.  It's great to see that you can wear something you haven't worn in ages but maybe it should just be a "try on" session.  I remember writing in my blog early on about being able to fit into another pair of slacks that were unwearable but I can't for the life of me remember which ones they were now.  Maybe they fit more comfortably.

NOT FUNCTIONING WELL

We are deep in winter ....although I do remember years ago it being colder.  I think we've just got fooled the last couple of years with mild winters.  No matter, I'm not dealing well with it.  I'm very lethargic just wanting to climb under the covers.  I have no energy.  Maybe it has to do with the season.  I'm not depressed just blah.  All of that usually goes hand in hand with overeating trying to make yourself feel better with empty calories that contains sugar and carbs.  I'm fighting that.  I guess I've been at it long enough to have the knowledge and a little bit of will power to hang in there.  Nothing going on just need to address the emotions today.  

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

When we got back from Maryland last week I purposely stayed off the scales because I didn't want it to ruin my weekend away when we met some friends at a B&B.  I don't know what kind of thinking that was but at the time, it was a decision I made.  I knew I had one bad day, i.e., the pizza monster escapade and several others on the cusp and probably thought I was going to see a gain and maybe that would bring on that thinking of I already blew it ... might as well keep blowing.

Looking back over the weekend, as I mentioned yesterday I certainly wasn't up for any dieter of the year awards but I watched my portions but also enjoyed my weekend.  When I got on the scale yesterday morning it wasn't up in the next decade of numbers which was really my concern but I couldn't really remember what it has said two weeks before but I thought it was probably a gain and gave myself a pep talk of going forward.  I made it a point to write down the scale's account on the pad on my refrigerator so I would be better informed next week.

When I got to my TOPS meeting and weighed in, I was blessed with the scales being indifferent.  I had remained at the same weight, I was still in the game.  We have a contest going to see who can go the longest without a gain and I really thought I blew that opportunity to shine and remain motivated.  Like I said yesterday, I was ready to kick it up into high gear and even more so now, knowing that I don't have to play catchup with some pounds I already had kicked to the curb.  In quoting the saying ... ready, willing and able .... no denying the able part but hoping that all three will go hand in hand.

BACK AT IT AGAIN

I've really never stopped but maybe just a little more umph this time knowing that for the next three weeks I can make some real progress before we're on the road again.  We had a Bed and Breakfast weekend and had a great time meeting up with some friends we hadn't seen for quite a while.  I watched my portions on Friday and refrained from the bread at an Italian restaurant and Saturday we went to an early movie, meaning we had a late lunch for which I just made it my main meal and wasn't hungry when Gary made a fast food restaurant run at 8:00 p.m. However the scales were up this morning, so something went awry during the past couple of week since I weighed in on January 7th.  I will not let that hold me down.  It is onward and knocking ounces off day by day.  The plan is even getting back to the gym.  It was 22 degrees this morning and snowing so outdoor activity will be at a minimum but why not walk a couple of blocks to the mall and walk around there.  If it doesn't kill ya, it makes you stronger, right?

MOVING ALONG

I really feel that I am back in the groove and I AM watching my calorie intake and with the choices I have not taking the high road or low road or whatever is the road you shouldn't be taking but ... and I know my problem is eating out too much ... but again BUT, that is my lifestyle and I guess I'm not willing to change that now by sitting watching other people eat or ordering something I'm not going to eat.  It's just hard for me to believe that a couple items on a plate can add up to 1200 calories.  Things like salads and ONE sandwich.  I believe in calories in and calories out and burning calories, so I'm not trying to fool myself.  I guess I'll just have to try harder.

WHERE AM I?

We're back home after an enjoyable trip to see Erick and Kim and to watch the kids while Erick ran the Goofy at Disney World.  I just don't know what day of the week it is.  I'm back at work and am really glad to be there.  It seems kind of weird to come in for just a day but my boss is leaving for a week and I know there are things that need to be done before he leaves tomorrow.

Looking back on the past week, I don't think I did horribly, even though I had a post about disaster.  It could always be worse and even though I overate at times, I did make restraints.  I'm back at it today with total commitment and hopefully I can pull off a small loss at my next weigh-in on Monday.

DISASTER IN THE MAKING

I really don't know what happened yesterday.  I even woke up with good intentions.  I checked the package of muffins and saw that it was doable, even though the quantity was lacking in the package (four muffins about the size of my thumb) and maybe even the quality too.

We had promised to take Katherine to Cici's for lunch after we picked her up from school and earlier I thought I wouldn't even eat ... then the thoughts of just a salad, but then when we got there, my thoughts immediately went to ...  if I was paying full price, I might as well take advantage.  My thought process was truly off trying to convince myself that the slices were so small, surely they didn't have that many calories to I can't just sit here while everyone else is eating to I've eaten this much, might as well have some of the dessert pizza.  Bad move all the way around.

Gary fixed spaghetti and meatballs for dinner in a rush because the boys were being picked up at 5:45.  Rushing around wondering if they were going to be able to eat in time got to me.  I was trying to stay to the schedule and my own pressure I think I can deal with but when it affects others, not so much.  So, I overate at dinner too, an extra meatball and bread.

But as the song goes "but that was yesterday, and yesterday's gone".  I've been given another day.  I'm pretty sure I can do better than yesterday.

LAZY SUNDAY

Not much happened yesterday.  I guess that's why the late post.  I think I was the last one up again ... can't remember.  Guess the kids realize I need my beauty sleep.

We had lunch in ... hot dogs.  I probably should have just had one and skipped the buns but didn't.  I did skip the mac n cheese so that was something.  The kids wanted a snack later in the day and I found oreos on the table.  What do they say about ... I bet you can't eat just one.  Well, I had two out of the package as I was putting them away but Katherine said ... Grammie, can I have an oreo so of course I ended up with just one.  Looking back I should have given them both to her.  I hadn't had an oreo in ages and forgot how addictive they can be.  I kept wanting to pull them out of the cabinet the rest of the afternoon and I didn't forget where they were in the evening either ... but I refrained.

We went to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner where I saw a lot of things I'd like to have on the menu but here in Maryland the calorie count is also on the menu, so I ended up with a BBQ chicken breast and salad bar.  I didn't have that many calories left anyway after my high calorie lunch ... so, in retrospect, I think I did okay.

THE WINNER

We had a challenge going yesterday and I won.  I was the last one up.  My grandson, Evan, said he was going to give me a run for my money but ended up third.  The girls rule ... yeah!   It's a fun time with the grandkids. 

Yesterday was more on target.  In fact, it was under target.  We went to Jersey Mike's for lunch which is a sub place that in my opinion is better than Subway.  Subway was getting to the point where the bread was like carboard with very little meat.  The place was packed but a table opened up just as we got in the door and the kids camped out there while we stood in line.  I had written their orders down and the kid behind the counter was a good jokester.  Brandon wanted a chicken caesar wrap and when I made that order, the clerk asks what name ... I guess I was spacey because I thought he was wanting me to give the wrap a name.  Like cluck, cluck or Chicken Little maybe ... oh, you mean the name on the order to bring it out to the table. HAAAAA HAAAA.

We decided to stay in for dinner and grandpa went to the store with a list.  I thought he was going to fix dinner, like at home ... but I ended up in the kitchen which felt great.  I enjoy cooking for more than two people and cooking for your grandkids is the best.  We had soft tacos which the kids liked, but I'm not a fan, so that kept me in check.

While I'm not getting any formal exercise, going up and down three flights of stairs is doing it for me.  Hope Sunday today goes as well.

WRITE, WRITE, WRITE

Erick and Kim had an early flight to Orlando yesterday and they were gone before we were up.  We got the kids up and off to school with no problem.  I know that I'm not going to be perfect away from home, but as long as I write ... it helps me keep that carrot in front of my face and know what I'm chasing,  I continue to try, even though I strumble.

I did well eating Kashi cereal for breakfast.  It reminded me of something but I couldn't put my finger on it.  Maybe Sugar Crisp without the sugar.  Not something I'd buy but it was worth trying.  We went to Chick Fillet after picking Katherine up from pre-school and I got what I have gotten when I'm working and go to the mall.  So, check, check.  We didn't want to go out for dinner, so we ordered a pizza .... STUMBLE, STUMBLE, STUMBLE.  I don't even remember how many pieces I had which ain't good but the pizza wasn't loaded with toppings so ... maybe looking for the silver lining there.  Because I knew I had too much of a good thing, I didn't log dinner into My Fitness Pal which there will be no more of that kind of behavior. 

Here's some notes that I took from the book I'm reading that I want to keep fresh in my mind.

"People are more likely to make progress on goals that are broken into concrete measurable actions, with some kind of structured accountability and positive reinforecement".  I'm getting that by blogging and MFP.

"Outter order brings inner peace".  I know when I was at home and working with a to do list and seeing things get done, I felt calmer and a little more confident.

"When the student is ready .. the teacher appears".  I have found a good teacher on MFP, but I still feel like the class clown sometimes.  Can I be both a good student and a cut-up?

LIVE AND LEARN

Sleeping in a strange bed the first night makes for unsettling sleep and it doesn't help when you husband doesn't sleep well either.  In the book I'm reading .... "The Happiness Project",  one of January's goals is getting enough sleep ... which in turn gives you more energy.  A high level of energy would help keep your other resolution easier.  A fitfull night's sleep ... is that why I had 1200 calories for lunch?  I'm still working on where I need to be ... some days I've got it, some days I don't, but it doesn't mean I'm not getting there.

We checked out of the hotel around 9:00 and stopped at a McDonald's drive-thru.  I kinda gave up on my fruit parfait ... I don't know why because it's good and filling but over the holidays I got settled in some bad habits and I'm still putting off the time to turn things around ... and then lunch was "find something now" we can't eat too much later because dinner will probably be early.  I let Gary make the choice from the interstate markers, which was a bad choice, but the worse thing was I didn't check the calories until AFTER I ate.   Long John Silver's ... fried, fried, fried. 

I discovered something the other night when I was working on my class blog.  Blogger had changed their format and it was giving me fits trying to add pictures and getting the format where all my entries were on one page.  I finally had it and gave in to what was there, was what was going to be seen.  What I discovered is that I don't like change because it slows me down.  I had put something off long enough ... I hadn't updated our class blog for months and now that I finally decided to do it, they changed things on me.  I just wanted to get it done but with the changes it was going to take me longer than I had planned and I had all these other things to do.  Something wasn't going to happen the way that I had envisioned it ... and it frustrated me and I just finally gave in to mediocrity.  I need to change my holiday ways.   Change, I need to approach it differently.

WELL ... DARN!

I didn't post yesterday.  Not my plan, but things happen.  Yesterday wasn't a good day from the beginning.  I felt rushed and the mood must have been set from the time my feet hit the floor and I couldn't shake it.  I had planned on working yesterday and then we were going to leave for Maryland when I got off work.  Then, it was that I was going to work until noon, Gary would pick me up and then we'd head to ... to, I took any extra day of vacation and we could leave whenever we got ready.  Well Gary had another night where he didn't sleep well and was up early which meant he was ready to go before I even got up.  I can't do things well when I'm rushed. 

I had worked on my class blog Tuesday night trying to get it updated before we left which meant no packing got done until yesterday morning.  I'm glad that my goal of getting organized this year paid off that clothes were washed and ironed and hanging in the closet just waiting to be thrown into a suitcase.  I did well with my meals on Tuesday ... only having soup and salad for dinner when I was eyeing Gary's choice of Country Fried Steak on the menu but went with my first choice.  Yesterday, how'd I do ... not so well with eating on the road and my mood being ... well, moody.  Without a computer, I also didn't getting anything logged in because of lack of effort or a difficult factor in maniputing data in my new phone.  Whatever the excuse, things didn't happen according to plan.

We're now here and I'm hoping I can turn things around and act like it's just any other day.

*POOF*

Got up yesterday not ready to start off a new work week after having four days at home ... and what seemed to be four productive days. But to do the things we want to do, a paycheck helps. The two people that I support are both gone this week, so that makes it even tougher but it'll be a short week for me ... so deal with it ... Sheilah. 

I've been on a somewhat high because of getting organized and just the ability to have a "do over" in the new year and being able to get back on track. The mood started to falter after finding out that an airline reservation for my boss was booked on the wrong day. I don't know if it was my mistake, the travel agency's mistake or my boss gave me the wrong date ... but it was a screw up at anyone's hands and my emotions took the responsibility. Sometimes things can be rectified but the bad thing here was that on the day he needed to travel, there weren't any seats available in the class he wanted to be in. When I informed him, he was upset but a lot less than I thought and he didn't put blame on anyone, he just wanted to get it fixed. I stewed about it most of the day. When talking to Gary, he said don't sweat the small things ... but it seems like nothing is small to me, especially if it affects someone else. 

BUT ... good news, I weighed in last night with a two pound loss. That did increase my spirits while still wondering how I pulled that off. I was so out of it over the holidays. Not to the point of giving up but I did lose focus and didn't blog like I intended and was pretty frazzled and in a weaken state when tempted. But, no need to look back ... I lost and it's time to move forward.

GOING WELL

I stepped on the scales when I finally got up and going yesterday and liked what I saw.  I don't know if I'll have a loss tonight at TOPS tonight because our last weigh-in was 12/17 and I have no idea what I weighed then but I was down from what I weighed January 1st at home, so that shows progress.  But, it doesn't matter because tonight is a brand new start.

Yesterday was kind of a lazy day ... nothing specific on the calendar.  I knew we'd settle in to watch the COLTS game but that was about it.  Writing down items on my "to do" list, however, proved to be helpful and I did get some things done so I felt a sense of accomplishment.  I am calmer, a little less frazzeled, and happier. In the past there would be fleeting thoughts about doing this or that but when it's there in black and white, it's getting done instead of putting it off.

Gary wasn't feeling well, so I fixed lunch and picked up dinner after going to 6:00 p.m. mass.  Since I was in charge, I fixed and picked things that I knew would fit into my plan.

TOO BUSY?

I knew I was going to be busy yesterday.  I wanted to keep it that way not to be bored.  Gary had a knot meeting at the house and I do not have the same fascination with his hobby as he does, so I had planned to stay busy with running errands, shopping and checking things off my "to do" list.  I should have put update my blog on the list.

I was able to knock several things off the list that took some time and actually did forget about this blog, although I spent a couple of hours on our class blog since I hadn't updated it since a month after our class reunion last June.  I guess I was setting priorities.

I have leaned to a favorite place for lunch when eating out because of a certain salad they have but I was no where close to this restaurant when out doing my errands yesterday so I opted for McAllister's where I got their "pick two" of a bowl of tortilla soup and a 1/2 cheese and bacon baked pototato.  It's on my plan and worked with the bowl of chili and sandwich I had from Gary's lunch leftovers which I had for dinner.

I'm still having a little trouble with the tools I know that will help me on MFP.  I can't seem to get my food logged in on the same day I eat it and now I'm off a day with my blog but I DO feel like I in a better place than I was last month.  The best thing is that I will have my first weigh in of the year at TOPS tomorrow which will really be a starting point.

MUDDLING ALONG

Yesterday wasn't any big whoop ... or ooops, either.  I guess that makes it a good day.  I did opt to go out to lunch due to having to make a bank run.  Paradise Cafe is right across the street so I had my half of a turkey cranberry sandwich and onion soup.  The soup sure tasted good with it so cold outside.  I had to walk a several blocks both ways, so maybe I burned off some extra calories shivering.  This is the place that always gives a free cookie with your meal.  It remained on my tray as I left.

I'm leaving things unchecked on my "to do" list which isn't exactly what I envisioned in this getting organized plan, but I do check off at least one or two a day and sometimes things from the day before ... so things are getting done.  Like I said yesterday, it just going to take time in getting into the groove.

Small Steps

It was hard going back to work yesterday after being off for four days.  Those four days consisted of staying at home with no travel involved which was a nice change.  It's strange that my retirement goal is to do lots of traveling and I do like to stay on the go ... but I guess you CAN get too much of a good thing.  I was able to get some things accomplished and realized there is always something to be done in the house.

As I mentioned it's my goal in 2013 to get a little more organized, so that I won't feel so overwhelmed and feel like I'm spinning my wheels or going in circles and end up stopping like I'm in a rut.  I wanted to start using a "to do" list, so that I can not only see that things are being accomplished but to know the things that need action and not forget about them until I'm in a crunch.  I did well on New Year's day accomplishing three tasks that I set for myself.  Yesterday didn't go that well but still there was still some success.  I now find I can't just keep them in my head, I have to actually write them down to check them off.  I got a cute little notebook from my Secret Santa at work that I can use. 

I stuck to planned meals yesterday so no mindless snacking.  I was tempted to ditch the frozen dinner I brought for lunch and go out and get something, but knew how important it was to stick to the original plan, just to get in the groove.  So all in all, I'm moving along in the right direction.

MINIMAL DAMAGE

The New Year is here and I'm setting out to work a plan that will help me find success.  Yesterday was a good day.  I believe I ate well, even though my calorie intake was a little over my goal ... but things happen.  I still feel more in control that I have been in weeks and that's a good thing.  I passed up breadsticks when we went to lunch.  Something my willpower has been lacking lately and I also walked passed our new candy dispenser with M&M's yesterday without much trouble ... although one time, I did get a little too close but backed off immediately.

My goal, which is not necessarily a resolution, is to get a little more organized in 2013.  Most of the time I feel my life is going way too fast and is pretty chaotic.  I need more balance and serenity.  I also want to be a happy person and stress and hurriedness (I guess that's not a word, I got squiggly marks under it)  can take away from that.  I'm starting to reread the Happiness Project and see if that helps.

Onward to success.