STILL STRUGGLING

I tried to convince myself it would be a better week but I'm still having problems. Yesterday it was the vending machine. I happened to see a new item in it. Lancer's Peanut Bar. Basically, it's just peanut brittle. A lot of sugar. I walked away but went back in the afternoon. A couple of hours later because of being on a sugar high, I noticed cookies in the kitchen ... no resistance. I feeding something and it's not my determination or will power.

Today, I attended a retiree's lunch with Gary and again, it was eat at will.

When am I going to get it?

TROUBLE KEEPING UP

I have every intention of blogging on a daily basis but when it comes right down to it, I either have writer's block, my life sounds boring or too much is going on to devote 10 minutes to the blog. Those are all excuses but you do what you do and sometimes that has to be enough.

The weekends seems to be the biggest obstacles ... in a lot of things. Usually it's too much going on and my focus goes out the window or I think since I'm home, I can just sit around and relax. Nothing seems to get done and then the guilt sets in but then I think it's too late to start on any kind of a project so I just sit and dwell on it. I'm going to try to make this week different. Maybe I have to write out a schedule or a "to do" list. Maybe that would bring the controlled chaos into some order.

When I'm out of sorts, my eating goes out the window or should I say in my mouth. I guess it's true what they say about using food to fill a void. When I'm busy, there are times when I completley forget to eat and have no hunger pangs or rumblin's in my tummy. But, when I'm being lazy I'm constantly hungry and on the hunt for something to stuff in my mouth. Probably just for something to do.

Okay, all of the above were just rambling thoughts I guess I needed to purge. It's a brand new week and it should be an easier one to stay on track. When I got up yesterday and got on the scale, I was still in the 90's and the scale hadn't moved from the week before but that didn't give me the green light to deviate from my plan. I had my regular breakfast of cereal and I brought a frozen dinner for lunch. It was also my intention to drink a large volume of water but that didn't happen as I had a pretty busy morning at work. I weighed in with a pound loss which put me back into the 80's. It was a shocker but something I'll try to build some motivation. That's three weeks in a row, yeah! I do remember last week curbing myself and telling myself I had enough when I could have easily had one more serving, one more slice, or some chocolate anything. Those little bits of judgment can make the difference between a loss and a gain when the losses are small.

As I mentioned this week should be easier with no free lunches with my boss on vacation. I'll be bringing in my limited calorie frozen dinners in each day for lunch and stick to my salad plate servings at night with less eating out on the agenda this week.

I'm not completely where I was this time last year, but if I get a few more weeks under my belt, I may just be on my way again.

PULLING IT TOGETHER

Yesterday was another so-so day. I'm really having trouble right now with my eating habits. I don't know if it's the change in weather ... it's really turning cool. I enjoy that but sometimes any change interferes with routine and psyche. I had to get lunch again for my boss and it was just going to be 1/2 sandwich and soup for me which fits okay into my plan ... BUT there were those two chocolate chip cookies that come with it. Most times I just bring them to the office, dump them in the breakroom or pin them on the "Happy Place" board and am done with it. Yesterday was a different story. I ate my lunch @ Paradise and was face to face with the cookies while I delayed going back to the office and then they were gone. I know it was just to make myself perk up a little. No will power today.

Last night it was planned that Gary and I get back to the gym but when I got home, Gary wasn't feeling well. I knew there was no reason I couldn't go by myself but I was tired and what harm could putting it off for another day cause? I sat through the news with the struggle of yes, go ... no, stay home this time running through my mind. Well, as you take one step at a time, I went up and changed clothles and still struggling I told Gary I was headed to the gym and did he want to meet me at Eggroll. He said just to pick up something for dinner. I went and did a mile and felt so much better after. We had spaghetti for dinner (aren't you suppose to carb load before you run?) and probably overdid that too but at least I put in some exercise.

One of these days everything is going to click and I'm going to string a few of those day together and be on my way.

DO NOTHING WEDNESDAY

I wasn't in the mood for much of anything yesterday. I forgot to bring my lunch so I headed to Subway at lunch ... the weather was noticeably cool as I walked and I decided chili sounded better so I retraced my steps and headed in the opposite direction. I know I had too many crackers in my chili and I could have done without the cheese ... why don't I remember all those little things add up. At least I got a little walk in.

I intended to go to the gym after I got home but spent the evening on my butt plastered in front of the TV instead. I'm really dragging this morning and I think it's lack of REAL exercise. I'm headed back to the gym tonight.

FEAR AND LESSONS

Well, I played out my fortune cookie message from last Thursday over the weekend. It was full of fun. There was time to play, time to work and time to relax and all but one activity went according to plan.

Friday night we went to a high school football game. The coach is one of our high school classmates and he took over the program last year. It was quite a challenge for him because prior to his arrival they had only won one football game in the last ten years. Last year we went to the one game they won last season and saw a lot of improvement. They won the game Friday by a large margin and I'm hoping they'll continue to improve their record. Their motto is certainly to "Never Give Up". Bill is quite the disciplinarian and he's going to be tough on them because he expects results from his efforts.

Saturday Gary and I did one of our Casino Crawls where we hit four casinos. It's great that we enjoy the same things but I wish we could play together to feed off each others excitement when we hit a bonus or jackpot but we just don't seem to bring each other luck. We took our pot and divided it by four to use at each casino to last us through the day and we ended up bringing some money home for the next crawl and also put some away in our vacation pot from the machines that we did hit on. It was a late night and I wonder how much validity there is about avoiding eating late at night because he hit White Castle about 11:oo p.m. on our way home. I don't know the truth about late night eating but I do know that I shouldn't have eaten what I did. Looking back always seems to be clearer, doesn't it.

Sunday we were pretty wiped out and all I did was update my high school blog which literally took hours. We had a lot of input this month and pictures and it all took time to organize and set up. I really need to work on the input as I get it, instead of putting it all together in one day or evening ... but that's me, the procrastinator. I seem to thrive off of the last minute push.

Labor Day was an enjoyable afternoon with Stephanie, Jim and the kids. It's these times that I miss the rest of the kids and grandkids and start a countdown of when everyone will be together. Gary grilled some traditional holiday fare and we played some games after lunch. The only thing I had on my schedule to do Monday and that I didn't do was go out for a run/walk. My knee is still tender and I used whatever other excuse just not to go out.

When I got up yesterday and weighed, I so hoped I would see the 80's but the scales are still stuck in the 90's. I did so well during the week but let down my guard over the FUN weekend. Again, looking back I saw my mistakes and how I could have whittled off at least one pound. I weighed in with 1/2 pound loss and that's okay, I'll work on it again this week and see those 80's.

I had originally planned on going to the 80's Zumba Party with Stephanie last night but again thought I better give me legs another day of rest so I could get three days at the gym in this week on the treadmill. Disney is only 3 weeks away and I don't want the chance of a injury and be unable to participate with the family. Before leaving for my weigh-in, I checked one of my email accounts that I don't use a lot. It's the one that I listed on Facebook. It is usually full of spam but I do get some TOPS emails there and I was trying to kill some time before I left. I happened to see an email from a high school classmate. She was giving me late notice that some classmates were getting together before one of them moved to California. The gal moving was one of my bridesmaids and I hadn't seen here since right after I got married. BUT, fear set in. I knew this was going to be a group of girls from a different grade school than I went to ... what if the majority of them were people I didn't know and they be so busy talking to Peggy, I wouldn't fit in ... and because I knew I couldn't be there at 6:00 because of weighing in first, what if there wasn't a seat left when I got there. What if I had nothing to contribute to the conversation if they were all talking about their pre-high school days. What If ... What If. Maybe I just shouldn't go ... make up an excuse that I didn't get the email in time or had other plans. So what? Maybe there'd be another time. I remembered a quote and decided to "Do It Afraid". Just go and make an appearance and it might not be so bad, in fact maybe it'd be fun like braving the anxiety and jumping in a lake with friends. Well, when I got there, there were five ladies in a booth for six. They all went to the same grade school but they all went to the high school with me. Peggy looked great and some of the conversation centered on me at times ... we were all catching up and it was fun. I'm so glad I didn't let my uneasiness or introverted personality stop me in having a great evening. I have to learn to have more confidence in myself and if I don't do something how will I ever do that I will succeed.

Boy this was a long post ... there goes to show the importance of posting daily.

Yada Yada Yada

Nothing exciting ... just glad the weekend ... the LONG weekend is almost here.

I did have an incident at work yesterday. I had a voice-mail from my boss when I first arrived at the office that said he received a call that a chair was being delivered between 10:00 and noon and to let our receptionist and building engineer know. I was aware this was going to happen as I had received a call about 10 days ago advising me of the schedule date and told them to call Joe when they were 1/2 hour away on that day. I got busy with something and forgot to say anything to Mary Ann or Joe until about 11:30. I immediately asked Mary Ann if a chair had been delivered yet. She said no, so I went down to talked to Joe but he wasn't in his office, so I left him a voicemail. As I was coming back from lunch, Joe was in the lobby and I mentioned something about the delivery and he said yeah, someone was here to deliver a chair and I didn't know anything about it, so I sent them away. My heart was in my mouth. I know I notified him when I got the initial call but I didn't call him first thing this morning when I got the call from my boss. Boy, did I screw up. Then Joe's said ... only kidding, no one has shown up yet. I didn't know whether to hug him or hit him. In normal circumstances it may have been funny but in my fragile state of mind, was it a cruel joke? I guess I should just be thankful and learn a lesson to not put anything off ... do it as soon as it can be done. Boy ... where have I heard that before and not just in relation to work stuff.

When I got home from work and after sitting for a bit ... not putting it off, just relaxing for a few minutes after my drive home from work, I got ready to go to the gym because it was our scheduled day. As my knee and legs still haven't fully recovered from my two previous longer outings, I was going to take it easy. While it WAS a training day, I was trying to convince myself I was just there to get a workout to keep my legs in shape. I thought less focus on training and more focus on just exercise might help my mental stamina. I think it did. I had a great workout and I also reached a goal that I really didn't set out to meet. As I left the gym, I thought that I just may keep this up after the race at Disney. It felt good to leave with my hair damp, sweat on the back of my neck and my face feeling flush.

Gary and I then headed to Egg Roll for dinner. Opening my fortune cookie ... I finally found a fortune that wasn't hookey and one that I should take to heart.













So, that's what I intend to do this weekend is have fun. I'm going to be responsible when it comes to my diet and keep up with my schedule of exercise but everything else will have an element of fun it ... what the heck the diet and exercise can be fun too!

ANOTHER DAY IN THE BOOKS

Pretty much the same as the day before but I said I needed to blog, so I am doing that if only in some repetitiveness. As every student knows, you need to go over things a few times to learn and this journey I'm on is a learning experience.

It was a normal day at work ... slow, which could get me in trouble with a visit to the vending machine in the afternoon. I had brought a banana, but I wanted something more ... something crunchy, so I got a bag of pretzels. I guess I need to have a stash in my drawer of snacks that I can work into my plan. I didn't think pretzels were a such a bad choice. I had a salad at lunch and walked on my lunch hour and then again when I had to run an errand.

My legs were a little sore. I'm sure it was from the 2.4 miles I had done the night before. It is more of a workout running/walking outside. While there aren't major hills, it's not all one elevation. Usually I feel stiffness when I get up and down the next day but once I get going and moving no different, but yesterday WAS different, I was noticeably sore and I can understand where you need a day to recover.

Gary fixed a new recipe last night for dinner. Crusted Parmesan Chicken and it was wonderful. I definitely wanted to go back for seconds but I didn't because I know the calorie count was higher than just grilled chicken since it was made with breadcrumbs and mayo but sensible eating is the way to go. That is enjoying what everyone else is having in smaller portions. I'm getting there.

A BIG THANKS

It took my daughter to open my eyes and realize the important things. I thank her so much for being there for me because lately I've been feeling really alone. I tend to isolate myself, no matter how many others are around me, when I'm confused and lost in which way to turn. I sweat the small stuff way too much. It's good to focus in on something but you also can go overboard. Sometimes all you see is the goal and the importance of it. You lose something along the way in getting there because all you're doing is looking straight ahead. You need to experience some joy along the way. It doesn't have to be 100% serious business. I need to remember I'm not training just for the race but for the exercise, the way my body feels after how much running/walking I do. The fact that I'm doing something instead of the already way too much sitting I do.

I'm finding how important this blog is because it gives me an outlet to express the way I feel. I have the tendency to bottle things up. Once I get it out and see it in writing, then there's the chance that I might try to make some sense of it and the more I write, the more solutions I come up with. I think my only reader now is Stephanie and that's a good thing, because I can be more honest in what I write ... not holding back because I don't want to share something with the world where it may be taken out of context or someone creates an opinion of me. Whether I have readers or not, it's important to remember the blog is for me to better myself. But, the highlight of my day yesterday was Stephanie's response to my blog. It made my day better, it made me stay on track, it made me want to continue to strive for my goals. Nothing much else happened. I went to work, I had the lunch I brought, I ate dinner on my small salad plate. I went for a run/walk ... and that was enough. Tomorrow is always a new start.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS AS IT SEEMS

I'm glad yesterday is history and that I survived. Going through it, not good ... not good at all. But, looking back things turned out even maybe better than expected so why all the drama. I guess it's just my emotional makeup. Maybe something that needs to be changed or worked on but just like a habit hard to break or change.

Speaking of breaking yesterday morning I was a mess. I just couldn't function. All kinds of negative things were running through my head and it seemed like when I was able to do something I felt I was walking on eggshells and they're so easy to break. What was going on ... what caused the mood swing. I could probably point out some things that contributed to it, but I have no idea what started it or what could have been done to prevent it. It was a giant pity party. I'm still picking up after the party and most things have been put away now and I can look back at the overall picture not just dwelling on the little things that no one knows about or cares about but me.

I did make a couple of strides yesterday. After getting on the scales yesterday morning and to see the loss I had seen on Thursday disappear I didn't give up hope and think ... what's done is done, I'll start again tomorrow. Why does it need to be tomorrow ... what's wrong with right now. At lunch I was tempted by my boss having me get lunch at Shapiro's. I had planned on Subway and I stuck to Subway. It definitely would be about 600 or 700 calories difference or more. I pulled into a Subway that was on the way to Shapiro's and couldn't find a parking space and my determination wavered a bit as I headed to get his lunch ... well, I tried. I decided I needed to try harder and that I'd get his order and take it back to the office and then walk to Subway, the place where I had such a great day last week. Maybe I need to relive the good times. So, that's what I did.

In the afternoon I really had a blunder at work sending out an email that wasn't to be sent but I owned up to it (after having a panic attack) and things worked out when I informed my boss. I guess God only gives you as much as you can handle and I really couldn't handle him blowing up at me for my mistake.

I read my daughter's, Stephanie's, blog and saw how fantastic and how committed she is to her walking program. In looking at her time, I couldn't believe that my running/walking times were more than hers and really felt defeated, thinking of throwing in the towel but felt I had so much invested. Could Gary have calculated wrong .... I went to MapMYRun and put in the streets I ran on Sunday. I guess I did tell him a different route because I put it in twice and got 3.4 miles at 45 minutes. This really boosted my spirits and I'm anxious to try it again because I know I can run longer intervals.

I went to TOPS and weighed in with a loss of 3/4 pounds. While I was disappointed not to have the scale go down into the 80's, I was pleased that I didn't let things get out of control completely and end up with no loss or a even a gain ... it could have certainly gone that way with what I DID want to eat but I found something inside myself to say no at those times I needed to.

When I got home I shared with Gary that my run was really 3.4 miles because I had told him I turned on a different street and he said "no it wasn't". I was crushed. How could I believe in myself if no one else did or at least listen to what I was saying. I had a melt down and as I type this, I'm having another one. Oh how I wish I was arrogant or insensitive or just didn't care but I do and I really don't want to change that. I know I'm just too emotional at times but I'll be okay. I'll prove I'm okay.

TOO TOUGH

I had hoped to post through the weekend and I probably should have looking back. Friday I had lunch with a good friend that I hadn't seen in awhile. She is going through some difficult times and it made me realize how good I have it. We ate at a deli where they have the best mac 'n cheese. I tried to work it in my plan as I had been doing well this week ... or though I thought. Shapiro's also has wonderful pies and desserts but I passed them by with no problem.

Friday we had Jacob and Gracie spend the night. Since we hadn't been to their favorite in a while ... we headed to Cracker Barrel for dinner. I had originally thought I would just get a salad but opted for the grilled chicken at the last minute. I thought it would be a more nutritious meal with more vitamins in the baked potato, apples and green beans. I did have a problem with the biscuits. I had two instead of the planned one. Bread seems to be my big issue. I was very tempted to dive into Gracie's mac n cheese and Jacob's dumplings when they were finished with food still on their plate but I seem to be stronger at that point. We went home and the kids had ice cream but I just passed on that with no problem.

Saturday was a pretty boring day with no plans. I got my haircut thinking a change would do me good. I couldn't get in the mood to do anything and looking around me there was so much to do but I just felt stuck. I had a coupon for a BOGO at Ruby Tuesday's so we did a little shopping (which I wasn't in the mood for) later in the afternoon and went to dinner. There was a free concert in the park, so we checked it out to see what kind of music was on tap. It was a soft rock band and they were pretty good. I tried to tell myself that there ARE things to do close to home if I just look.

I wanted to run outside on Sunday morning as I didn't run on Saturday and to stay with my training schedule I needed to stick to it on Sunday. I woke up at 5 but that was way too early and again at 7:00 but thought I'd just lay there for a little while. Finally as the clock was approaching 9:00 I got up and got my running stuff on. I mapped out a route to do a 5k. I hydrated well before I left, so I thought I was well prepared. I had my IPOD and my phone to check my time. I thought this would be a good test for our run at Disney. I started out and my confidence dropped. I had been able to sustain a 12 minute run the last time at the gym. On the road, it was only ONE minute. What makes me give up so easy. Because I can ... because no one is there running next to me ... no one is there telling me I can do it. Why can't I be my own cheerleader. I didn't stop, turn around and come home though. I ran a little and walked more. At least I was going to finish the route and could see what my time would be with both walking and running. As I made one turn down a street, I approached a cross street but there was no street sign and I wasn't sure which way to turn. I choose the wrong way and was thrown off my course. I kept going thinking it would end up being about the same distance and that'd be okay. I made note of where I was at the 45 minute mark and finished at 49 minutes which I thought was pretty good. When I got in the house, Gary mapped out my actual route and it was only 2 1/2 miles. I felt pretty defeated. 1st that I didn't run as much as I felt I should have and secondly that I didn't go as far. I guess I should look at it that I didn't fail, I just set a point to improve. But my negative side has taken over. My mood is on the down side and spending the afternoon alone didn't help any.

I'm not giving up .... I never give up, I just stall out for awhile. It didn't help any getting on the scales this morning either.

Moving Along

Yesterday was pretty calm with no bumps in the road. I got on the scale and was down almost three pounds from a couple of days before. I'm back in the 180's ... I should be in the 170's or below but one day at a time. I have no one to blame but myself for my backslide and ignoring or even defying my weight plan. I have been drinking a lot of water. Well, really not a lot ... but a lot more than usual which could mean just a couple of glasses. But, I'm making a concentrated effort to at least keep a full glass of water on my desk at work and also to drink some in the evening. I know the larger than average loss in just a couple of days is probably mostly from water but that's okay it keeps me going at this point. And starting over, the beginning in very important.

The weather wasn't quite as muggy at noon and I needed to go out and pick up a few things so I decided to walk a couple more blocks and stop for a salad. I know salads can be dangerous by what's in them but I think it's still a little more healthier than something from a fast food joint. It's also a mental thing that I'm making a wiser choice and I want to KEEP making wiser choices.

Last night was 5k training night and Gary and I were off to the gym after I got home and sat for a little while. Our membership at the Community Center had expired and we were going to renew. It's $25/each for a senior membership for a year which I think is great. It's not the largest gym but they basically have all you need with treadmills, bikes, steppers, walking track, weights, etc. For some reason I wasn't too confident about my run. I was a little tired and could come up with several other excuses. I started off way too fast and thought ... great I've burned myself out and I'm not going make 5 minutes, let alone the 12 I was shooting for. I slowed it down some and before I knew it, I was at 7 and got to 10 and pushed myself to 12 minutes. I wasn't sure but I think my time was quicker, it should have been.

Gary spent all day at the dental school so we stopped at Egg Roll on the way home. I knew in the past this wasn't something that was going to mess up my program. I only ate half a portion and for some reason it tasted really good. Don't know if it was because we hadn't eaten there in awhile or the fact that I was pretty hungry or maybe from the run. Who knows ... I could have overeaten but I didn't.

Things weren't quite as hard as the days before but I wasn't focusing on it being hard, I was focusing on my success

EFFORT

I have taken three different routes to work this week and none of them has worked. There is so much road construction in Indy, I think all the roads are being repaired or in some cases torn up. I have to keep myself from being frustrated because it tends to spill over from one thing in life to another.

Yesterday was another successful day but it wasn't easy. We had a salad bar lunch at work put on by the Wellness Committee, of which I am a member. In fact, the topic for this month has been designated "Weight Management" and it was my responsibility to put the word out on this topic. Since I was on vacation and not at the meeting last week, the committee took over and planned out the lunch and who was bringing what ... I said I would bring a lite pasta salad but then heard someone else was bringing that. I ended up getting some three bean salad from the store. There's a brand that has canned salad that is pretty good. When I went to the store, I saw it was on sale $5 for 5 cans, so I bought 10 thinking I'd need a lot to fill up the bowl for work. Well four cans filled the bowl just fine. However, only a couple of spoonfuls were eaten and I still have six cans at home. Guess some food pantry is going to be getting some bean salad.

Before lunch I decided to go out for a walk. I remembered the day before really enjoying the weather and thought it'd be about the same yesterday ... wrong, it was stifling but I walked anyway ... jacket and all. I must remember to bring some walking shoes to work because my feet weren't very comfortable walking in heels.

Gary had said he had a surprise for dinner and I was anxiously awaiting it. He is quite the cook now and enjoys trying new recipes. Since I just had a salad for lunch, I had saved some points/calories for dinner. It was a tomato chicken marsala and .... well, it was okay but not my favorite. Well, maybe I didn't like it at all because I only ate half the serving I put on my plate. A couple weeks ago, I would have rummaged thru the cabinets looking for something else to eat and get into the freezer for ice cream without even thinking, but I'm making a concentrated effort for the next month and that means a daily effort not just random here and there. Looking back yesterday just seemed to be a struggle all the way around but I got through it and today is GOING to be a much better day.

COMMITMENT

My first full day of commitment for the next month is in the books. It was a good day but I found that I really had to put some effort into it. Something I hadn't done in a long time was to research what I was eating before I ate it. That happened just before I went out to lunch. I knew that I was headed to Subway. A few months ago they introduced their pulled pork sandwich. I'm a lover of BBQ and found theirs pretty good. I thought I'd better look up the calories vs. the turkey sandwich that I had gotten in the past. Pork 570 calories ... turkey 280. More than twice the calories and I'm sure even a lot more fat grams. There are four Subways in walking distance of where I work. I choose the one that was farthest away (about 5 blocks) to get in a little exercise. When I got there and placed my order, I tried something a little different, I got tomatoes on my TURKEY sandwich. I'm not a lover of whole tomatoes. I love spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce, ketchup, tomato soup and all but a tomato that wasn't chopped up in itty bitty pieces wasn't for me. But I've learned that tastes do change and adding tomatoes to the sandwich would give it more volume so I tried it and it wasn't bad. I really enjoyed my lunch as they had outdoor seating and it was a beautiful day, just me and my kindle.

After work Gary and I headed to the gym. I had to get serious about my 5k training. I only have less than six weeks until the race at Disney. I did okay ... running straight for 10 minutes. Last Saturday I went for 7 minutes and my goal last night was to top it at 8 but I pushed myself and ended up with ten minutes. I also increased my distance to 1 1/2 miles at a quicker pace of running and walking. On Friday or Saturday, I will try to increase my distance and time running again. I'm feeling more confident now that I will be ready for the 5k on October 1

Penny for your thoughts

... or maybe like a bad penny that won't go away, here I am again. I've been living in a confused state since April. I have completely lost my focus on some things that are really important to me. But I guess that's natural for me to deny myself happiness thinking that other people and other circumstances should come first and if there's anything left over that would be enough. Well, the one thing that has zapped all of my energy since April has now been resolved. Time to move on and get back to business.

I always thought I was a multi-tasker. I also never considered myself an emotional eater. I've learned once again it's not an all or nothing world. I can walk and chew gum at the same time but I've found that when things get rough, eating right is the first thing I ditch when I have trouble coping, moving forward, or being stuck on not letting go of a situation. It's just not that important because I feel it only affects me so it's not that important.

Why do I always believe that my place is low man on the totem pole. That my needs never should outweigh those of someone that I feel is more important or more powerful than I. I have always been a people pleaser. I truly believe that's not a bad thing if kept within boundaries. I always thought an emotional eater was one that would eat a whole bag of chips or a whole quart of ice cream or pig out at a buffet ... that wasn't me. I had more control than that ... control over my emotions, yeah that's what I thought.

But since April, I have gained back half of the weight I worked hard to lose. I saw it creep back on pound by pound ... doing a lot a yoyoing along the way. However, when I got on the scale last night, I realized that something had to change. What was different at the start of my journey from what is going on right now. So much ... too much. It's time to start over.

I got on my home scales this morning for the first time in months. I continued to go to TOPS and be weighed weekly, but there's something to be said about those home scales. I don't know exactly what it is ... maybe something just between them and me. Something on a personal level, a realty level ... something I was definitely avoiding. Okay that's done. The next thing was blogging or journaling. For whatever reason that seemed to work and kept my daily accountability. To have something in black and white motivated me to try harder or feel good about my accomplishments, so day one done. The next two things are tougher. Food choices and exercise. But for the next month I'm really going to concentrate and give that my undivided attention. Hopefully by then some good habits will emerge and I'll be on my way again.

Paying the Price

After my weigh-in last week, I tried to be careful and make wise choices. Gary made homemade spaghetti and meatballs one night last week and I limited my portions. It was really, really good and I wanted to go back for seconds but I resisted, thinking I'd have my seconds for lunch the next day.

I made it up to running 8 minutes on the treadmill but then the mind started its dialogue and I wasn't able to get the second eight minutes in, so I spent 10 minutes on the bicycle trying to build up some endurance.

I was in check all week and when we had dinner after the gym on Thursday, we started talking about nothing on our calendar for the weekend and maybe this was a good time to make one of our county trips. Three years ago when Gary retired we decided to go on the adventure of visiting all 92 counties in Indiana and learning a little about its history. We knew it would take a decade or more to do this ... but it was to be an adventure. We ended up going to Porter County and stayed in a B&B and had a great time exploring. Some of the things we discovered was really good food. Again, I tried to be vigilant but fell short at times like when a gourmet breakfast was set in front of me or going to a great Italian restaurant the innkeeper recommended.

It could have been worse as it could have been better if I would have resisted but when I stepped on the scale last night I was relieved to see the weight to be the same as last week. I would have been happier to see a loss but I feel I really didn't deserve anything but what I saw.

NEXT . . .

I weighed in on Monday and my prediction wasn't that far off. I had gained
4 3/4# since my absence for vacation. I don't know why I felt the need but I started looking back over some numbers and stats going back to my heaviest weight of 206 in November of 2009. Maybe I wanted to remind myself that I haven't been the victim of gaining it ALL back, although I did hate not being able to say that I lost 30# or even 25# like I once boasted proudly. Both of those sound like a truly great accomplishment but so does 23 1/4# .... that's what I'm down and I'm not ready to give it back. It's not that far off from 25 or 30 and I will attain that again and more.

The numbers can serve as whatever you want to make of them ... good results, slow progress, troubled months, I'm pushing all the negatives aside and starting the next chapter or next phase. I believe that this is only going to be a 2-act play and now that I'm back from intermission the real story will unfold along with a happily ever after ending.

In the last couple of days, I feel I'm already forming good habits of taking my lunch, drinking my water and eating good and healthy snacks. I also plan to hit the gym on a regular basis and last night I pushed through my mental block of not being able to complete three five-minute intervals of running. I knew all along it was something I could do and something I needed to prove to myself. Tomorrow is 2 eight-minute intervals. Sounds tough but doable. I'll also take a peak at the scales tomorrow morning and hope to be back in the '70's which will give me a boost and perhaps bring me back to that quarter century loss.

Call FEMA, There's Been a Diaster

I knew it had been awhile but didn't think it had been over a month since I last blogged. I thought a few times about starting it back up but just had no motivation to write. It was just like the lack of motivation I had to get serious about this weight loss journey I was on. I am only half way to my destination, but it seemed like I settled into a dark dreary ghost town and I didn't know or my attitude didn't care which way to move on out. It was like I was content to be where I was ... that was ... that was, until this morning when I got on the scale.

Since my last day of blogging, I have been on two trips. I got through the first one in pretty good shape and even exercised. The second trip which was just over two weeks ago came with a different ending, although the night of our first stop I did pay a visit to the hotel gym. However, I gave myself some whimpy excuse saying I can't do this, meaning I won't do this and set some sort of record for the shortest time on a treadmill. I didn't see a treadmill or any other type of exercise equipment until I returned home.

I had this false impression that with all the walking we were doing I was burning calories like a stoked fire .... trouble is that I was drowning out the flames with all the wrong choices or too much of a good thing I was eating. I had fallen back into that false prophecy that hey, I'm on vacation ... well, you know the rest and what the results of that kind of thinking will get you.

We returned from vacation a week ago yesterday but because it was my wedding anniversary last Monday, I didn't go to my weigh-in ... we went out to dinner instead and the feasting and celebrating and literally TOO MUCH breaking of bread continued.

Did I get on the scale when we got home .... no!! I guess I was afraid or maybe I thought I had another week and all that bloat and heaviness I seemed to be feeling would go away. I think it was last Wednesday when I decided to face the music and saw ... well, since I jumped back off quickly, I don't quite remember but I know it was well over a 5# gain. How can anyone gain that much in ten days. To make it worse, my husband informed me that he had lost 2 pounds and I knew I didn't eat as much as he did. It wasn't fair and I tried to push it off that it wasn't entirely my fault .... YEAH, RIGHT! If you believe that, there's a course on denial, available somewhere.

I settled into my routine and had a good eating day but the next morning got up and saw the scale only go down a pound. I guess the results weren't "good enough" and just like when you think you aren't good enough the mind starts this crummy dialogue and the results aren't pretty and the number on the scale this morning wasn't either.

Enough is enough. The damage is done. The lesson is learned .... obviously, the hard way .... AGAIN. Maybe, I need a different approach. There are different ways to teach a subject. A method to make you understand more clearly and actually "get it" this time. All I know staying at home and pretending your sick and not studying isn't going to advance your knowledge any. I've got to listen, I've got to take notes, I've got to study and most of all I've got to care.

I do care. I can clean up after this disaster. Maybe with the help of some friends, after facing the scale tonight, I can push through all the debris and start a new and better way to get back on the right road with a bright future.

I tried to come up with an acronym for FEMA that is in the title of this post but all I could come up with were words for the first two letters ... FRIENDS EVERYWHERE ... can you come up with the last two?

Mid Week

This week ... how would I describe it so far. Good news with a little "stinkin thinkin". I'm not a big fan of Mondays. It's genuinely hard getting back into the work routine. I've got to push myself a little harder on Mondays. I had a voice mail when I to the office. It was a reminder. I wrote it down but quickly forgot about it until very late in the afternoon. By then, it was too late to do anything about it. I screwed up and disappointed someone. It broke my spirit and it takes me about twice as long to recover from a broken spirit. Things were resolved by Tuesday and it was "no harm ... no foul", but I still screwed up and let someone down for a moment. I kept thinking what else have I done wrong or not done. My confidence was crushed. I'm coming out of it now but why do I do this? It doesn't help any to dwell and rehash but it has become a tendency of mine. One good thing that did happen Monday evening was that I lost 3 pounds. I worked hard last week and I saw the results. Could I have tried harder ... you betcha!

HAVE I ARRIVED?

One step at a time, one day at a time, one victory at a time. I think I just might be there. Yesterday started off like most other days. Got up, showered, got dressed, headed downstairs for my usual Honey Bunches of Oats breakfast, checked Facebook, grabbed my Smart Ones dinner out of the freezer and I was out the door still half asleep. Did I mentioned I'm not a morning person..

Mid-morning my boss brought me a document that needed to be delivered to our attorney's office at noon and said I'll buy lunch at Paradise Cafe while you're out. My typical lunch there is 1/2 sandwich and cup of soup. It fits into my plan well. However, Paradise always includes a cookie (at no charge) in with their orders. I know this and the last few times I've been there, I've succumbed to this freebie. I knew I was going to the gym last night and I knew that I have been better with my eating. The voices started again with reasoning as well as misguided information. As I was sitting at my desk eating lunch, I thought I'd check some blogs. This seems to be a tough time of year for a lot of people. I read how others are fighting off the demons and so many bloggers pulled in so many directions. There are snacking temptations, schedule issues, just the old winter weather blues syndrome. Motivation, dedication, commitment, do I or don't I, you name it.

Somehow, some way ... it made me think and I ended up taking the two cookies to the breakroom. After I did that and returned to my desk, I really questioned my sanity ... how could I do that. Those cookies are sooooo good. I then realized that maybe I'm over the hump and that I've got a chance for success, for something to build on.

As I mentioned, Thursday is one of my scheduled training days for the gym for my C25K training. I was moving into week 3 and I thought that I'd run on the track instead of the treadmill. Well, that didn't work. I don't know if I started out too quick and burned myself out or what but I just couldn't do the second run. Did I quit ... give it all up? No, I just went back to the treadmill and did the program on it. I got in a little more exercise and didn't feel defeated. I'll try to build up my endurance a little more and try the track again later .... starting out slower.

The chili was on the stove when we got home from the gym. It smelled heavenly and I was hungry. For some reason, after I had taken several bites, I was already thinking about the second bowl ... what's up with that? I didn't care if I would be full or not, there was a second bowl of chili in my future. Then I did some more thinking. That's not how I lost weight. I lost almost 30 pounds last year by limiting myself to one serving. Yes, the food was good but I decided one bowl was enough. I'd get to eat again at my next meal. Another victory.

I can't tell you how great I feel this morning. I even got on the scale in the midst of my normal morning routine and although I was half asleep, I saw what I needed to see and I was happy.

WHO'S TALKING HERE

Yesterday started out pretty good and didn't end of too bad. Another old thing I was doing but had to start again was drinking more water. I'm still having a problem with it but trying to incorporate it into a daily routine by having a glass on my desk at work.

I'm still fighting through the dialogue in my head. The voices that say I want a snack and I want it now or why not just this one time? What sounds good to eat vs. what is good to eat. I know I want to lose and I know how to do it but just how badly or how urgent is that desire is what I need to clarify.

It's still early in this chapter after picking up this book again after it's been sitting on the shelf and I've got to be patient. I know it will come, it always does if I give myself enough time. I've just got to work through the boredom, the doubt and the reality of it all.

WORKING ON IT

Yesterday was a pretty good day and today seems to be going even better. The difference between yesterday and today is that I'm more prepared.

I was my normal draggy self yesterday morning. I am truly one of those "NOT a morning person". At this point, I can't even tell you if I had breakfast or not ... I don't think so, because we didn't have much in the house as we hadn't been to the store for awhile. That meant I was also eating out at lunch or have no lunch and that wasn't going to happen. I did have a couple of gift certificates for Pita Pit and I had checked previously that their Turkey Pita fit into my plan.

I did get the munchies in the afternoon but had some pretzels and an apple available ... both a good healthy snack instead of a visit to the vending machine. These were left over from a lunch last week and I need to remember to have things like this on hand when the munchies strike.

Tuesday is on the schedule to hit the gym after work and I did my 15 minutes on the bike and then W2D3 of my C25K training. It moved along quite well as I alternated the running and walking. My big thing is keeping my eyes off the time. I'm sure it's a boredom thing. There is a small running track at the community center where I go to work out, so when I was finished on the treadmill, I wanted to see what real running was like. It was like ..... geez, I'm so tired. To do a mile you have to run 24 laps ... like I said, it's small. Well, I did run 2 laps as I was just trying out the sensation of regular running and maybe I'll add a lap every once in awhile. At least I tried and wasn't procrastinating because of fear or excuses.

Gary went to the grocery yesterday so I had my normal breakfast of my favorite cereal and a Smart Ones to bring for lunch so that's why I am better prepared today. It will be chicken for dinner tonight and my day is completely laid out for me. I will think when the munchies hit, if they do, and I will try to stay busy. There's always more to do than I realize ... so I need to start focusing.

IT WILL BE A GOOD DAY

WHEN WILL I LEARN?

My mind has been going in so many directions lately. I start out on one thing and then go in a completely different direction on some tangent. Is that what they call being scatterbrained.

I don't know how to describe the weekend. It seemed like there was so much going on or that needed to happen that it was obvious there weren't going to be enough hours in the day. Some things got done, most things didn't ... there were fun times and some uncomfortable moments and **** it was 11:00 p.m. Sunday night and I wondered what had been accomplished or if I had even given any thought to priorities.

The last I wrote I felt that I was reigning in on where I needed to be and I wasn't far from finding my groove again. My eating wasn't entirely under control but it was getting there and I had started exercising again.

Saturday night changed all that. I'm not going to go into detail because it may throw someone off seeing certain items described or such lack of willpower. It would probably even be a little detrimental to myself rehashing it all but I was anything but a wise and healthy person that wants to lose weight.

Notwithstanding Saturday I was able to weigh-in last night and stay at the same weight of the prior week. What am I doing? Am I playing the how far can I push the envelope without getting caught game. Do I even care any more? If I had been more in control I surely would have a loss. A loss that I could build on ... or maybe not. Maybe, I better knuckle down or it will catch up with me next week.

My daughter, Stephanie, had a good post today on her blog about that CLICK that we all are looking for. Something we've had in the past that we need to find to turn on again but seems to be just out of our reach or a memory lapse on how to achieve it again. For me that click has always been indefinable until she explained it. The click is commitment and consistent determination. I have determination but it's been anything but consistent so it's obvious I'm not committed. It seems like when the going gets tough, I look for a cookie to crumble. No more ... I have a bit more insight and I'm going to call myself on those weak moments to find that inner strength and build on each small success. It seems like such a struggle right now, so I guess it's still going be one day at a time.

Mmmm ... this post was going to be about feeling too comfortable ... oh well, maybe tomorrow.

The Norm

As a kid I always felt just a little out of place. While I had four siblings I still felt like an only child since my brothers and sister were adults when I was born, the youngest before me being 23 years older than I. I was shy and didn't make friends easy. My parents didn't drive so I was pretty much secluded to home. I had a good and loving family but no social skills. My parent didn't socialize much and I grew up with that adage that children are seen but not heard. For years I just went with the flow and never felt I had an opinion about anything. Nothing that I said or did was of any importance.

After I got married and had children I changed my tune. I wanted to bring my children up with values that everyone is important and everyone has a right to express themselves. But yet, many times I do not put enough confidence in myself. I go with the flow or are just in the moment.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post. I was going to write how I went back to the gym last night after taking off time because of my leg. The title was going to explain that I'm back to a normal routine but when I wrote "the norm" for some reason it brought back memories of childhood and just wanting to be like everyone else. I wanted to be involved and participate but it seemed like I was too shy to join in. I often wished that I had some special talent like the athlete, cheerleader or great student. I never put any value in myself and I feel that I'm still carrying a little of that "little girl" around with me.

There is so much more for me ... fear may be holding me back but I still need to strive for what I want.

Take Care

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. It was a re-check on my blood pressure as the doc had put me on new meds. I hate taking medicine and don't do well at taking them consistently. I think it's a denial thing. The doctor did remind me that it's important to regulate your blood pressure though and there's a reason why they call it "a silent killer". My mom had high blood pressure as did some of my siblings. Mine was pretty much okay until five or six years ago. I guess it's a hereditary thing. Body shape and weight must be an hereditary thing too. I carry my weight in my hips and butt as did my mother and as does my daughter. I often wonder why there are so many body shapes for women. Women that are bigger on the top than bottom or bigger on the bottom than top. Then there are those that carry it all in their mid section or thighs and calves. Whereas, men usually just seem to have the abdomen excess. Of course it doesn't mean it has to stay that way. It's just a tendency and it can be whittled away.

Yesterday was a good day. I stayed on plan and kept my portions to where they needed to be. One thing I have noticed this week though is how wiped out I am. I wonder if that has anything to do with getting back on track and my body trying to adjust. All I know is that I'm looking forward to the weekend.

READY ... SET ... GO

I had an official weigh in at TOPS last night. We haven't met the last two weeks because of weather and the procrastinator inside of me couldn't get off of square one. I've felt like I've been running around in circles for weeks and couldn't even face the scales at home until last week and then only that one morning when I squinted to see the results. Last night I was down 1 1/2# and the circling has stopped and I am even facing in the right direction. I was never a big fan of rotaries. I am once again in the decade of the 70's. I seemed to have gotten a little too comfortable when I hit them last fall and it's time to forge ahead or down or whatever it takes to see results. I've been stuck too long or maybe it's better described as complacency.

I didn't stay for the meeting, only weighing in. Since it was Valentine's Day I wanted to go home and have dinner with my Sweetie. I stopped and got steaks and fixins' and we had a nice dinner together. Being the "old folks" that we are, though, I fell asleep watching TV after dinner. We had had a busy weekend, being out of town, and I guess it just caught up with me.

I'm searching out some new blogs to read. I would like to find someone that is starting out fresh to lose about the same amount as me. Last time I did that there was no stopping the lady I was reading and the pounds kept coming off and now she has no need to blog. She was an inspiration and I hope she continues to do well. For me, I'm just glad to get going again!

Help Me

It's 3:00 and I'm about ready to go down and pay a visit to the vending machine. I want something to stuff in my mouth. I forgot about it for awhile and then found a stray peanut sitting on the floor. I don't need a snack ... well, my stomach and my well being do not need a snack ... just don't ask my mouth or my head. I'm taking the time to talk to myself and not do anything impulsively and I'm calming down some. I only have two more hours and I'm out of here and ready to start a long weekend. I can do this. I am stronger than I realize. I don't need a snack right now, even if it's healthy and for some reason I don't think anything is healthy in the vending machine. Maybe the nuts but the package have 3 or 4 servings and I don't trust myself right now to know when to stop. Breathe in and out, Sheilah. You can do this. You have plenty of work on your desk to do ... so just get your head into it. I don't want to say "I TOLD YOU SO" or maybe I do when you see how strong you can be and how much you want to lose this weight.

The Deed is Done

I got on the scales this morning, finally. I have a guide now where I'm headed. It could have been worse but it doesn't matter because I am finally determined to make it better. Yesterday was a good day. I ate what I had planned to and that didn't include any impromptu snacking or going back for seconds. I ate dinner on the smaller salad plate and was satisfied. I don't remember any regrets or feeling of deprivation or drumming up any excuses. It was a good day. Just like putting one foot in front of each other to walk, I am using one day at a time to roll all of this up into a successful journey.

The plans are laid out for today and it's going to be another good one. I can be in total control today. Tomorrow will not be as easy, nor will the weekend but I can still have control over my actions. All I have to do is look back, see that I've done it before and have confidence in myself that it will be no different this time.

I'M ON MY WAY

Getting to "there"

Remember the typical "are we there yet" that little kids chime in when traveling. I need to get there. Find that commitment that lasts longer than a few hours. Our TOPS meeting was cancelled again last night ... that's two weeks in a row. That's not good for me. I need that accountability. I just keep procrastinating about the seriousness of all of this. As the pounds I've lost return I should realize it's going to get a lot harder before it gets any easier. I've got to stop NOW and gain some control.

I don't know why I can't step on the scales at home to see where I am and just go on from there. Until I do, I need to realize that I'm going to continue to slide on that dangerous slippery slope. I've got to turn things around and I've got to do it NOW.

Maybe I got too comfortable in the weight I had lost and for some reason thought I could just go back to my mindless eating and still keep my weight at a steady mark. I know that's only wishful thinking. Even if I was satisfied with the weight at a 30 pound loss, it's not going to be maintained by a little extra this and an extra helping of that.

Back to the basics and it's not going to happen tomorrow, or next Monday or the 1st of March. If it's going to happen, it's got to happen right now. Oh, how many times have I said that. How bad do I want this. It sure hasn't been at the top of my priority list for the last couple of months. I keep asking why? What will get it going again. Well starting and getting through one day may snowball into more confidence, so that what I'm going to do. Make today a good one and look forward to another good one tomorrow.

I keep blaming the absence of exercise on my lack of focus but again when you fail, you tend to make excuses instead of sucking it up, admit your shortcomings and move on. When I started out so many other times, I found that controlling my eating and exercise didn't go hand in hand right away. I got one under control and was proud of that and at a point I knew I was ready to add the exercise. I've got to change my way of thinking. I'm capable of doing what needs to be done and adjust the sails and get my ship sailing in the right direction.

The Day I've Been Waiting For

Today is going great and it has nothing to do with weight. I am several hours into the day and there is no pain. I haven't taken any pain killers in a couple of days so I hope this means the nerve pain in my leg and the constant pain it has generated has run its course. It's about time. Five weeks and I was really starting to unravel, even with the drugs. I really emphathize with people that have to live with chronic pain. Not knowing if it was going to get any better would be devastating for me. It takes a toll on every bit of your being. Physically, mentally, emotionally, even spiritually to a point.

Just the thought of living a normal day or even what the day may throw at me gives me so much more energy. I feel I have more control and that I can fight whatever demons I need to and get this last half of my weight off. No more turning to food to relieve whatever was going on in my head.

I haven't been on the scales for awhile and I don't know what to expect tonight but right now that doesn't matter. I'm ready and willing to give it another go under my own power and my own determination.

Here I come ... watch out!

Chocolate

Why is there chocolate in the house. Since there is ... why does it matter? It didn't when I had so much confidence in myself that I dared anyone to say that I couldn't do it. I made it through vacations and family celebrations and still lost. What's the difference now. EXCUSES, that's the only reason I can find. I didn't have any then. I wouldn't let them exist. We're in the deep of winter but what difference does that make. I'm hurting so bad both physically and emotionally but if I had the right attitude that shouldn't matter either. I need to find something else to focus on. I need to find something that I can enjoy and forget about the pain.

This morning I put on a pant suit to wear to work and made myself think about the difference in fit from this time last year. I have room to breathe. I can button the jacket. Do I want to go back to everything being so tight that I didn't know how much longer I could wear it and breath.

I'm giving it another try today. So far, so good but it's not even 9:00 a.m., but I did have a sensible breakfast.

I'm so tired and all the excuses that go with it.

I wish I had that kid attitude

Things are getting to me. But that's life and things happen ... good things and NOT so good things. Kids are so much more resiliant. They hurt but they usually have some run to and they hear it's going to be okay and believe that.

Maybe that's the roadblock I've hit. I don't believe enough and I'm tired. Maybe there's too many obstacles and the strength to fight more than one thing seems defeating. I see evidence that I haven't thrown in the towel completely so I do have hope. I'm just tried of being knocked down but I know I have to continue to get up, even when I don't know how long I'll remain on my feet.

My pride has been deminished, the leadership I thought I uncovered and especially the all or nothing thinking has all been thrown in my face. I hurt both mentally and physically and all I want to do is feel better.

I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am, how far I've come and how others facing much more challenging things than I am are taking advantage of their inner strength. Is that because they have others pushing them ... I need to push myself out this funk.

I don't need my legs ... I don't need to run a 5k ... and maybe I don't need to succeed, maybe I just need to believe that I can maintain until I get through this rough period. Better things are coming. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I don't need chocolate or ice cream or extra helping. My body needs substance and it can wait a few hour until the next healthy meal.

The weather doesn't help, the loss of a police officer doesn't help, the economy doesn't help, the lack of mobility doesn't help .... what helps ... knowing it's a temporary situation and things change and accept that.

Okay I'm done ... I was told I need to write and get it out. I think it helped ... I'm not heading out to the kitchen now and I WILL wait for dinner before I put another thing in my mouth.

Disappointing

I remember some weeks back writing about those blogs that I was reading and then all of a sudden *poof* no more updates. I wondered what happened and thought how sad. As the joke goes ... now, I am one!

I know I haven't posted in a while. But you don't post when you feel like you're not doing well and continuing to slip. You don't want to paint a picture of gloom and doom. You want to be the positive one, the motivating one, the one whose blog is worthy of reading.

I think now those are the times you should write for you and not someone else. You need to point out the shortcoming and the problems but also in the next breath give yourself some encouragement and reason for continuing on.

I have been having trouble controlling my eating the last few weeks. I have gained 5 1/2# in the last two. While I thought I was somewhat in control (at times), it's obvious I wasn't. That can change and it will change. I do not want to give back any more than I already have which is about 20%. I want to continue losing and be absolutely giddy when I try on summer clothes.

One of my philosophies when I started was that it was okay if there wasn't that much on my plate at a meal, I was going to have another meal in just a few hours and it would taste MARVELOUS. Here lately, I seemed to have forgotten that and acting like what I was having was my LAST meal so I better chow down.

Late last night I wanted a peanut butter sandwich so bad but I resisted, telling myself that breakfast wasn't that far away and that I should head to bed and I could have that sandwich for breakfast. That's exactly what I did and I have been satisfied all day today, eating what was planned and looking forward to the next meal.

I hope I'm back on the road. Stay focused, Sheilah!

Pain Relief

I've just come from the doctor. I've been living on Advil all week because of the pain in my leg. I have not let it get me to the point where I have given up but it's taking its toll. I have continued my 5k training, as my leg seems to hurt less when I'm on the treadmill. Don't know if I'm focused on getting through the session and concentrating on that instead or what it is. The doctor is treating me with the same drug that he did when I had the shingles last year thinking the nerve is overstimulated again. I hope the medication works. All you want to do when you hurt (mentally or physically) is to feel better and for some reason stuffing my face comes to mind first but is not the answer. I'm pretty sure that's what happened last week and why I gained on Monday. I thought I had eaten okay but I think I may have overdone it on portion size or a few too many low-cal snacks just to get my mind off of other things. I need to find another option. I think I need some sort of hobby or something that will keep my hands busy. I've been playing some games on Facebook with friends. Maybe I need to find some more friends that will play with me.

Blah, Blah, Blah

I got an email this morning from my daughter, Stephanie, asking why no blog updates lately. I told her it was a combination of a couple of things. The least of the reasons was that I had a gain on Monday. It was 1 1/2 pounds and I wasn't expecting it but that didn't make me stop blogging. I just seem to be in a rut right now. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the weather and the blahs of winter. All it seems like I do is go to work and go home. We've been watching our budget since the start of this new year, so we don't even get that occasional meal out ... well, at least not like we used to. Last weekend we had no plans. It's funny when we were constantly on the go, I would give anything for a free weekend but yet when I get it, I'm bored to death. We were fortunate enough to watch Jacob and Gracie on Saturday night, so that did liv'n things up a little, but the work week just seems hum drum and I have no energy and no motivation.

I was so excited to start training for the C25K and this makes my third week but last week was tough as I'm having a problem with my leg. It didn't prevent me from training, however. In fact the leg doesn't hurt as much when I'm on the treadmill. It's just the after effects. The same thing happened last year about the same time and the end result was the shingles. I have no outbreak, so I'm thinking it's just the over stimulation of the nerve in my leg. Over the counter pain stuff seems to quiet it down so I keep going but it's annoying.

I need to stop procrastinating and do at least a couple of things every night to convince myself that I'm doing something worthwhile and that life is what you make of it. It can be boring or it can be active. I'm not a bear, I do not need to hibernate but I sure am ready for spring and it's gonna be awhile until it gets here so I might as well grin and bear it, huh?

Persistence

Yesterday I mentioned that I brought my workout clothes with me to the office to ensure that I would get my 5k training in because of not knowing whether the community center would be open because of the weather. All I can say is that I tried. I changed clothes and went into the company workout room only two find the two treadmills with people on them. I decided to go ahead and eat lunch and then perhaps those people would be finished with their workout. Well, perhaps they were but two different people were on the machines 30 minutes later. The snow didn't seem to be a major problem with the road conditions, so the only other answer would be to exercise after work. Since we're down to one car, Gary picked me up from work and when we got home I quickly made some meatballs, put them in some sauce and was off to the gym. I knew I picked up my IPOD on the way out but couldn't find it and had to do the treadmill without music (second time in a row as the IPOD was dead last time). I got through the session with the only problem being it seemed like the time was ticking away in slow motion. I had a gal running on the treadmill next to me and she certainly seemed to be a pro going at a consistent speed.

Tuesday nights are the best night for TV. Lots of favorite shows and we have the DVR working overtime. I especially enjoy The Biggest Loser. Last night there was a scene where the largest contestant was on the treadmill and challenged to go at a certain speed. I don't know what it was ... over 5 or 6 mph. All I know is that it was faster than I can go. I'm pushing myself at 4.5. Poofs of doubt starting showing up in my head. What kind of doubt? I don't know, I was just bothered. Gary said we should never compare ourselves to others ... either by different talents they have or how they perform. But doesn't that instill something in ourself to push us harder? Well, I guess it can also defeat us ... so, I guess I'll keep go along on the pace I'm on. At least I'm doing it but I still wonder why I can't do what they're doing. I don't know if it all goes back to the premise of being chosen last, or that you're no competition, so why even try. I question that maybe the reason I'm not any competition is because I don't have enough faith in myself so I'm trying a little harder. I mentioned a little about this and the word potential in a previous post. When I first went on Facebook, I was playing Scrabble and Lexulous quite a bit but I'd never win and then the games just quit. A couple of weeks ago, Gary challenged me to a game of Lexulous just between me and him and then another game also playing with a classmate that he plays with on a regular basis. I really tried hard and didn't make my usual quick moves but tried to make myself use strategy and it helped and I think I'm a better player now and even found out after a few games that I could even win. Some things in life are luck but there's also alot to be said with perseverance and drive but you walk a fine line if you trying to live up to someone else's goals.

Doing Well

I'm finding it difficult to find anything to post. I'm staying in the groove and with the colder weather don't seem to have that much going on with the exception of work and my normal activites. I don't have any drama going on in my life or need to vent about anything. We ARE down to one car as we got the settlement check on the car that was totaled Christmas week and we'll be starting the search for a new one, so we're working out a schedule with transportation as best we can. The new year brings not only trimming my body but also trimming the household budget as I may be going to a four-day work week.

At last night's weigh-in, I lost another 2 1/2 pounds. Yes, I think that January may surpass my great month of September as long as I stay focused.

We're suppose to get quite a bit of snow here in central Indiana today, so I brought my work-out clothes as I'm scheduled for my C25k training session today and I don't know if the community center will close because of weather conditions, so I'm opting to get on the treadmill during my lunch break to make sure I get my session in. I noticed this morning in going up stairs that I have a kink in my right knee. I hope it works out and has nothing to do with my training as I was just starting to get in the groove and found the speed I need to be going.

Sleep

Gary went for his annual appointment with the sleep doctor yesterday and told him of his problem waking up and not being able to go back to sleep (he's on a CPAP machine). They both agreed it was probably due to me :( Is that men sticking together or what. I do a lot of tossing and turning and while the noise I make isn't exactly snoring, I know the breathing and throaty sounds could possibly bother him.

He did wake up again last night and I got up with him for awhile and then of course I couldn't go back to sleep. I guess I was really conscious of trying to lie still and my mind was also rolling along with thoughts of work and other activities. I know I laid there for over an hour using a couple of new g0-back-to-sleep techniques. My niece just wrote on Facebook recently to picture a candle and concentrate on the flame ... guess my flame kept going out. I've also heard to not let your tongue touch the roof of your mouth. That only made me think of how hungry I was which usually isn't a middle of the night problem. Finally about an hour before the alarm went off I dozed off and woke up having some stupid dream when I heard the radio buzzing. Maybe I should concentrate on an elephant riding a unicycle or something stupid like that and I could go back to sleep.

Anyway I was surprised I wasn't completely exhausted this morning. I know sleep is important when you're trying to lose weight. It should be part of the eating, exercising routine and I've also heard that you can never make up for lost sleep so I should stop planning on sleeping until noon tomorrow. I usually feel worse when I stay in bed too long anway.

On another note I went to the community center last night. At first I was just going to spend time on the bike as I planned to do my last session of this week's C25K today but I was still haunted by not finishing and giving up on the treadmill on Tuesday. It was there taunting me to get on and show me who had control. So I accepted its challenge. I switched up the speed and walla ... I found my groove. I did the entire circuit and finally felt confident that I can continue on to reach my goal of the three generation race.

Reflecting

While reading the replies when I posted the "SCRAP" award I received from Ann over at Ann is Living Large No More, Darla's comment made me stop and think. One of the facts I stated was that I was very shy but yet there I was in my profile picture obviously speaking in front of a group since I was behind a podium.

Well it took me 30 years to get there and it was mostly in front of my peers, so I was less nervous and maybe did not show my timidness as much. It was also at our annual Christmas luncheon (that I coordinate) and I knew everyone was there to have fun. I love throwing parties but would rather remain in the background. When I first started at the company back in 1978 and had to get in front of the staff (which was much smaller then) I fumbled not only with my words but even knocked over one of the charts as I was trying to explain the trends. The next year went a little better as did the third year. The year after that I wasn't asked to speak but just to prepare a handout. I think it was all just a challenge for me by my supervisor and I thank her for the opportunity.

So many time we're afraid of what we're capable of doing, so we either don't do it or we don't give it our all. I have a very good friend that is a football coach and while together one night, he was talking about one of his players and I said "mmm, sounds like he has some potential". Coach Bill says I hate that word. I can't remember if he went on to explain or maybe I didn't ask but maybe it's because potential means that we could be doing so much better but we're satisfied just to get by.

I could go on, but I think you get my drift and I don't have a lot of time to expand. All I can say is ... if you afraid just go out and do it and see what the outcome is. I bet it's better than what caused the fear that would have stopped you.

Frustrated

Yesterday was pretty much like any other weekday or was it? I had an early morning appointment with the eye doctor. Pretty much everything was okay with the exception of the stigmatism so they are going to switch to a different kind of contact. I'll be glad to get out of the daileys. I struggled with my year prescription of them being hard to get in and then rolling in my eyes.

Then it was off to work. I brought my workout clothes because it was suppose to be my second day of c25k training. My daughter, Stephanie, is in Arizona, on business and her husband, Jim, had a evening meeting and asked if we could watch the kids. I knew I wouldn't be able to go to the gym in the evening so I was going to use the treadmill in my office gym on my lunchhour. I was determined, nothing was going to get in my way ... NO EXCUSES!

I was pumped and ready to do this. I turned on my IPOD and "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" was playing. Let's Hit It! My last session I found out I should have been switching up my speed when I jogged, so with correction in my program I started the warm-up walk at 3.7 and bumped it up to 4.5 when it was time to jog. I got thru the minute but just barely. The next round of jogging I edged down to 4 and struggled. I couldn't find the right combination. I pushed myself, I really did and twice I thought I can't do this but pushed through but I eventually caved and didn't finish the 20 minute alternation. I was really frustrated. I felt defeated. I immediately put something on facebook about it and heard from both my son and daughter. Erick is running his first marathon at Disney World this weekend and I know he'll rock it and Stephanie is also starting the C25k so the two people that I look at for advice gave me some but most importantly showed that they want me to succeed. This program is several weeks long but I have until October until the race that I'm wanting to run. So, even if the training takes twice as long or three, four or five times as long I'm going to continue to continue. I'll keep playing with the speed combinations.

I completed the day with my struggle in the back of my mind wanting a handful of nuts or a fudgie to ease the disappointment but I fought that too. I'm finding how strong I can become.

Being Scrappy

Ann over at Ann Livin Large No More presented me with this award on December 12. Things got really hectic around the holidays and I just kept putting off doing anything about it. It asks that you list 10 honest things about yourself and to pass it along. She waived the passing along but maybe I'll do that too.



1. I'm a coal miner's daughter



2. I was a surprise to my mom and dad. My four siblings were 18 months apart and 23 year later I was born. My mom was almost fifty and dad was 56.


3. I am very shy and insecure


4. I don't act my age


5. I tend to over analyze and hold on to things too long


6. I love new adventures especially when it comes to traveling


7. I have patience except when it comes to being patient with myself

8. I have a tendancy to start out "on fire" but whimp out in the end


9. While I have many people I call friends, I don't really have any close friends besides my family


10. I'm more positive now than I ever have been about reaching my goal this time.

Here's the people I passing the "Scrap" onto
http://justquiteating.blogspot.com Debbie at Weigh Down
http://whitneygettinghealthy.blogspot.com Whitney at Getting Health
http://justoneinch.blogspot.com/ Sorry I don't know your name
http://graciestoughjourney.blogspot.com Gracie at Gracie's Tough Journey

YEAH

Not much time to write this morning. Yesterday was a good day but I'm very tired this morning. Adjusting to the new sleep pattern and getting up earlier. So many adjustments in life. Have adjusted my eating back to normalcy the last few days too.

I was very happy at the scale last night. A four pound loss. That gives me momentum to continue. Only 1 1/2# more to get down to my lowest weight on this journey. My will is a little stronger and it seems to be a little easier to pass by all those extra calories.

Challenge

Yesterday went according to plan. I slept in again, knowing that today I'd be headed back to work and getting up early. Then to church. On the way home, Gary asked what I wanted to do ... meaning go out to lunch or have it at home. I immediately said, "I want to go to the gym". We went home changed clothes and I was anxious to start my Couch to 5k Training. This morning I ask myself why? Not really, I have a little more confidence that I will be able to participate in October at DisneyWorld with my family. In fact, I know it. If I can't run it as planned, I will definiately walk it.

I did a 10 minute warm up on the bike and then got on the treadmill with my instructions. Five minute warm-up and then start alternating jogging for 60 seconds and walking for 90 seconds and do this for 20 minutes. Easier said than done. What speed do I start. I set it for 3.7 and half way through doubted myself if I was doing this right. Should I be walking and jogging at the same speed. I was definiately jogging taking smaller strides, but it didn't seem right. I got through it and was glad I didn't have to do this everyday. The program says three times on week one, so I'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday. I later found out ... yes, I was suppose to up the speed on the jogging part. I started questioning if I need to start over and wait until next week. No way, I'm counting it ... it was only the first day.

My eating was in check, as well. Gary fixed a new recipe last night. Chicken Marsala and it was great but my portion was small and I was satisfied with that. It really helps that he is doing the cooking and does these new dishes. It varies our normal meals and variety is the spice of life.

Slow Start

Didn't see the light of day yesterday. Neither Gary or I left the house. It was a nice, relaxing, lazy day. We're kind of edging into the new year at a slow pace and there's nothing wrong with that. The hustle will start tomorrow going back to work after being off work since the Wednesday before Christmas.

I was surprised to hear from some of you yesterday since it had been a while since I posted anything. It's good to know that I have people pulling for me. That's a huge benefit.

While yesterday wasn't anything to write home about, it was still a good day. I got on the scale to see where I was after all the holiday parties and goodies around the house that had tempted me. I was surprised it was about the same as the last time I weighed in so I haven't dug myself too much of a hole to climb out. The next thing I did was measure out my cereal for breakfast instead of eyeing the portion. What I usually pour probably doesn't vary that much but I wanted to get back in that habit. The portion size and the information on the box gave me the exact amount of calories consummed.

Gary fixed tuna salad for lunch and when I went into the kitchen to fix myself a sandwich, I noticed how creamy it was and knew there was more mayo than I would have used, so I decided to warm up some left over in chili instead. It probably would work out to the same amount of calories (ya think) but I was making a conscious effort and decision and maybe that's more important. Dinner was the same problem. Gary fixed vegetables soup and I have no idea how many calories, so I had one bowl thinking that with all the veggies and one serving I'd be okay.

I really wanted to get back on track and start journaling and tracking points but yesterday I found myself just estimating and keeping portions to one serving. I'll keep my plan in front of me and most of all keep balance in my life.

Why Does It Matter

I am so happy the New Year has arrived. So, what's so great or different about today than what was given to me yesterday. A new start, new hope, a new direction. Each and every day is a new start. Every minute that passes can point you on the right path. They were plenty of times to call "do over" as I look back at the past six weeks. Can I get any of that time back and make a different decision ... NO, but I can make some changes going forward and I have and I will. My daughter Stephanie had a very good post on her blog today and it has put some fire in me instead of excuses that's been overflowing in my mind the last few weeks.

I think the only time to look back is looking at the tough times you've made it through, the things that made you proud, the milestones that you've gathered up. I look back at my progress and success in September and know that January can be just as successful.

I was hoping our gym was open today but it is closed because of the holiday. But there's something just about never taking "no" for an answer. There are other means of exercise. I should have taken a walk at midnight last night to welcome the New Year when it was 60 degrees here in Indiana, insteasd of in the 30's like it is now, but I have many choices. I can bundle up and go out anyway. I can pull out an exercise video. I'm can run up and down the stairs a dozen times. I'm sure the alternatives are endless. What would you do?